Eagle-96

I've gone back and read some of your posts. They are eerily similar to mine. I met a Lori at work and we worked together our entire marriage. We were married 13 years never had children and lived in our house for ten years. My wife also died suddenly in the middle of the night.

I am so sorry that you are not only dealing with the loss of your husband but you have to deal with people who are acting this way towards you. I usually tell people that are new to the forum that 99% of the people you deal with mean well when they say things that seem to be cold and sometimes callous. Well, unfortunately there is the other 1%. Sometimes people are too wrapped up in their own lives to stop and consider anyone else's feelings. It must be hard for you to deal with that. You should grieve in YOUR timeframe and nobody else's. People are under some strange illusion that grief is a finite timeline and you should be over your spouses death when they are over it. Something you will hear on this forum a lot is that only people that have experienced the loss of a spouse can truly understand this level of grief. The sad thing is that one of the very people treating you this way will probably endure this one day and then likely reflect on how they treated you.

That, to me, is one of the saddest aspects of this. That only people that have gone through this can relate. It makes it so tough to open up to people in our lives. It isolates us. I have three people(mother in law, friend of family, cousin)I know that have lost a spouse so I know when I talk to them they know my pain. They don't sugar coat it and they give me real words. I find the same solace and advice here and don't know where I would be without each and every one of you.

Pat, I am saddened that you are here. We don't wish this pain on anyone. I am glad you found us though. This forum has helped me so much through this process. I lost my wife to a sudden heart attack on April 1st so I am eleven weeks in to this. Fear is a very normal feeling as are sadness, loneliness, anger, regret, doubt... they come and go and you may experience them alone or sometimes all at once. There is no rhyme or reason to how these emotions come. Sometimes I just have to ride the wave of emotions until they subside. This shock just and numbness you feel now are your body using its defense mechanisms to shield you from the pain. To me it is like a fog that I went through where days just melted into each other. Keep in mind that your friends and family mean well when they say things that may seem out of place or odd. The sad fact is that only people that have experienced the loss of a spouse can ever begin to understand what you are going through. The way I describe it to people is I ask them to think about the lowest they have ever felt emotionally in their life. Multiply that by one million and that doesn't even begin to approach how I feel. Your friends simply don't understand your pain. So if they say something that seems unhelpful or cliche just know that they are trying to help but may not know how. You will also learn that there is a mask you will wear around friends and family. The mask that makes you appear alright when the pain inside seems unbearable. I wear the mask because I fear that people will stop calling or asking me to go out if I am always down and sad. I mean who wants to be around a downer all the time. At the same time I fear that people will think that I am ok or that I didn't really love Lori if they see me acting as if I were living a life that could approach happiness. Inevitably I take the mask off when I come home to an empty house. I don't say these things to scare you but to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. I pray for you and that you will find healing.

To everyone out there that has lost their spouse and has children. I know that Fathers Day is Sunday and will undoubtedly be a tough day for many of you. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for peace and comfort for all of you.

George, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Caring for parents can be difficult and was sometimes a source of frustration between Lori and her sister. Her sister lived in the same town as my MIL and we were two hours away. My MIL doesn't drive due to memory issues and so if anything was needed Lori's sister was in town and five minutes from my MIL house and a lot of things fell on her to do. To top it off, my MIL has issues stemming from lack of oxygen from her heart attack many years ago. These can cause her to lash out and she has little short-term memory and it is sadly out of her control. So Lori's sister had a great deal of pressure with caring for my MIL with very little thanks from my MIL. It caused friction between her and Lori. I hope you two can work it out.

Amazing article. Thank you for posting it.

Marg, I see exactly what you are saying and it reminds me of a thought I have had over the last few weeks. We hare surviving(as best we can) the most difficult thing we will likely ever go through. We are each at different points along this horrible journey and we are surviving it. We are doing it with each others advice, love, and assistance. It gives me a small sliver of hope that if I can navigate this swamp then I can do anything. Thanks for posting that.

So sorry for this George. I pray that everything will be ok with your dad. I had a trigger like this yesterday. I was visiting one of Lori and my friends in the hospital. He has multiple blood clots in his arm and is having a catheter procedure this morning to remove them. As we were visiting I heard the intercom scream out the words nobody wants to hear, "Code Blue in the Cath Lab. Code Blue in the Cath Lab". For those that don't know, Code Blue means that someone is crashing/coding and all available staff need to rush to the location. It brought back the memories I had with Lori in the Cath Lab(all the hope that she is in there they are placing stents and she can make it). Only to be crushed when they called a Code Blue to her room. My heart instantly sank yesterday when they called the Code Blue for someone I've never met but know that a family was most likely just beginning this painful journey.

For those that are familiar with the Love Languages, mine is "Acts Of Service". One of the main ways I expressed my love to Lori was by doing things for her. I wanted to make her life easier so I would do her chores(we split household work 50/50), fix things around the house, do yard work, make her dinner, grocery shop. I find myself with nobody to pamper, nobody to help, nobody to SHOW how much I love them.

You hit the nail on the head Gwen. My go to phrase for people who ask how I am doing(I give them the easy out and ask them "Do you REALLY want to know?") is, imagine the lowest you have ever felt emotionally in your life. Multiply that by a million and it still doesn't begin approach how I feel right now.

That is part of what scares me. I am only 45 and I fear a long life without Lori. It's hard to bare. It's strange, before this happened I always used to fear sickness and death because I didn't want to leave Lori behind. I didn't want her to suffer this pain we all know. Now I don't fear death. I know that in the blink of an eye I will be with her again and that removes the fear from me. It's a surreal 180 for me.

There can be benefit from both cops. Sometimes we do need to take it easy on ourselves as we are going through one of the toughest trials life has to offer. We have the need to rest, relax, and restore. Other times we do need that kick in the tail to motivate us to do the tasks in life that need to be done. The hard part is finding the balance between the two that leads us to a more fulfilled existence. I know that is where my struggle lies. I feel that same sense of accomplishment, however brief, when I handle the chores of the day. I also need to just do nothing periodically. I need those times to reminisce, reflect, cry as that is therapy for me. I'll keep looking for that balance.

It doesn't sound creepy at all. My thoughts are that I wish Lori could hear me and I suppose I don't really know if she does or not. I really feel that Lori is busy in Heaven worshipping God and praising Him for his love and mercy. If God sees fit to allow her to hear my words then all the better but I suspect she knows we will see each other again and is happy with her eternity. I still talk to her anyway as it is good therapy for me.

Happy Birthday George. I hope you find that joy you're looking for. I really do.

I suspect we will always carry this cloak with us forever. It's just not as visible to others as the license plate you described. Sometimes I want to shout out loud "Don't you know the pain I feel". I know however that I can find solace on this forum as we all see each others cloaks and know the depth of the meaning behind them. For that I am grateful.

Your insight into the grieving process will help you to be a light in her life when she needs it so desperately. I pray that you will find the strength to be the support she will need when her husband's time comes. I'll be pulling for you both.

I struggle with this a lot. I know that Lori had a relationship with the Lord and that through our previous talks that she is now in Paradise with Him. My struggle with talking to her now(which I do every day) is that she is now too pre-occupied with performing the tasks she was created for and spending her eternity praising God for his mercy. I like to think that every now and then He lets Lori hear my conversations with her but there is much I don't know. I'll keep talking to her though as it's good therapy for me.

One thing I have found is that the grief journeys of those on this forum, although different, are not better or worse than anyone elses. We are all in the midst of a mighty struggle. Certainly there are secondary circumstances that can make things difficult(financial difficulties, illness, second guessing, no friends or family being close, etc...) but I hope you don't negate the magnitude of your struggle just because of someone else and their situation. I know of the pain that my cousin has endured for the past 2 1/2 years after her husband took his life so I feel for you and the road you walk.

It's both sad and comforting to know that there are others in the same boat. I'm trying to let go of the guilt as I know in some far away corner of my brain that it was not my fault. It's just my dadgum heart that Lori held so tightly in her hands that won't allow my logic to win the day. It took a lot of courage for you to confront the doctor. Kudos to you. I have chosen to file a complaint with the medical board and to file suit. My goal is for there to be policy and protocol changes at the ER and for the doctor to never again have the opportunity to place someone else in the position he placed Lori and I. I couldn't live with myself if I knew that I did nothing and the same thing happened to someone else. In my heart I feel that if ONE life can be saved through Lori's death then my pain and despair will all have been worth it.

Thank you Kayc. I appreciate you posting those articles. My guilt comes from the what ifs and the shoulda' dones. We took Lori to a stand-alone ER(one that is not attached to a hospital) on the Tuesday before she died. She was diagnosed with a pulled muscle in her chest from the bronchitis she had two weeks prior. We trusted them and went home. The Friday before she died she had more chest pains so we went back to the same ER at 11:30 PM. We even said, "should we go to the hospital ER" in the car on the way there. We decided to go back to the same place. It was literally a fork in the road scenario(what if I had turned left instead of right). She was diagnosed by the same doctor with acid reflux and we were sent home at 12:30 AM Saturday morning. She collapsed in the bathroom at our home at 3:30 AM on Saturday and the rest is history. I will always wonder if the CPR was good enough. To rub salt in the wound, we later learned after seeing the medical records from the stand-alone ER(EKG and blood tests) that she was actually having a heart attack when they first received her at 11:30. So in essence, my wife suffered for 4 hours in the throes of a heart attack due to the negligence of one ER doctor. The records ave been reviewed by multiple experts ranging from PA, to cardiologist, to ER doctor and they have all concluded that the doctor on Friday missed the easiest tests to read that indicated Lori was having a heart attack. Everyone has indicated that she should have been immediately taken to the cath lab at 11:30 on 03/31. Lori would be here now if he had done his job. So you see, my guilt is a difficult one in that I could have simply taken a left turn and Lori would be here right now. Just one left turn. Just one demand for a 2nd opinion. Just one demand for more tests. Just one simple phone call to her sister(in the medical field) for advice. It just hurts that I didn't protect Lori when she needed me most.

I am sorry that you are at such a low point. Sometimes it seems that all is lost. Know that I hear you voice. I won't pretend to say that I know your pain because our walks are all different. I'll just say that I hope that you can find peace amongst the sadness you are enduring so heavily.

And no amount of internal logic or people telling me I did my best will make me think any differently or make me stop second guessing myself. At least not yet anyway. I hope I get there someday but right now I just feel like I failed at the ONE job I always felt I was good at and was needed for so much at that moment in time. Protecting Lori.

I struggle with this a lot. Whenever something comes up that Lori did(and I now have to do) it brings back the painful reality that she is gone. There were certain things I was good at and certain ones Lori excelled at and I dread performing those tasks sometimes no matter how simple they are. I guess it's a reminder of the emptiness I feel without her. Whenever we had to return something to the store or make a complaint about poor quality or service, Lori was really great at that as I don't like confrontation. When I think of that it still brings pain but I can also have a good laugh when thinking about how funny it was to see her no nonsense approach to the demand for good customer service. The looks of astonishment on the faces of the people we dealt with that gave her guff make me smile. She was my bulldog. Maybe I'll just have to focus more on the good aspect of those tasks. It's hard but it's something I'm working on. Thanks for posting that Marg.

Than you for posting this Marty. It was helpful. I don't have the regret of not saying goodbye to Lori as we both knew how we felt about each other and told each other every day. My regret comes from second guessing myself and what I did to help Lori that night(Did I do a good enough job of CPR, did I take her to the right ER before the heart attack, should I have demanded more tests, Should I have gotten a 2nd opinion). I suppose I'll second guess myself forever even though the logical part of me knows I did everything I could based on what the doctors diagnosed. Like the author, I have the images of Lori dying in front of my eyes and being helpless to stop it. It haunts me.