Margm

I think that is the point. She never wanted to bother anyone so exit quietly. Family and friends knew. She was the type of person we all loved, still miss, and we know she is gone. I went through papers yesterday and found obituaries that were sent to me like a birthday card, except it was a "death card." We all have our "druthers" and I'd like to go without a "death card." Billy felt the same. Mama did too. Quiet exit, I hope.

I still think Dee is a major distraction from some of your problems, but I'm wondering if she is worth it. How long before she gets physical and hurts you in one of her drunken rages. Seems she tries to hurt your feelings. She is very lucky to have you.. I know there are other care givers out there that would appreciate a warm home and food. You should not have to wait for a happy time, she should be thanking you every day. I watched a short series the other night and looked at the clock and it was 2:00 a.m. Knocked me out of reading time and it was not that much entertainment. I think it was called "Keep Breathing" and I had to skip through part of it so I could just keep breathing. Actually ended good (I think), it was too convoluted, only me watching, and I wanted to "read the end of the book). Do not think it was true. Wilderness adventure, woman pregnant, falling down mountains, swept down a river, and unbelievable that she kept the pregnancy. I actually do not know what I watched. I hate shows that have flashbacks, and that was all it did. Stupid me.

I woke up planning on doing something industrious. I tackled the pretty boxes in the big bookcase. Of course all I did was dig up bones. Wrote what they were on top of the boxes. I still cannot look at some pictures, read his cards, You know I could help by throwing things away, but my mind and heart would follow them to the trash dumpster that comes Wednesday. In the past few years friends have sent me programs of funerals. My friend told her family, please no funeral, memorial, or paper write-up. They didn't understand. I do. As an addendum, I can go to Encore Westerns and it seems like it was a cleaner, happier time. Oh, I didn't know Billy then except to know he was watching the westerns too, they were new back then. Somehow they are going back in time, a time that was innocent, no grieving, just being a child. I guess 2nd childhood at 80 is not too bad. One size does not fit all.

I think it is 47 degrees. May be some ice forecast, but no snow. I used to make good mud pies when I was a kid, and that still is my skill. Can't eat them though. At least with snow, I could make great snow ice cream. With my no cook status now, mud pies are my specialty. Muddy, crawfishy Louisiana. Got up at about 4:00 a.m., turned the fan on, woke up again with completely dry mouth. A little Sprite, then coffee and all is good. Stay safe Kay, and you too Kevin. I remember our orthopedic floor at the hospital stayed busy in this weather.

I'm sure we all remember you Clematis. Glad you dropped by again. I think we just endure life still, might not be what we would have wanted, but it is life. Hope you are doing good. Gwen, I think Dee has become a sort of family to you, and we just put up with family. She at least "stirs the stew" to keep things rolling. Not ideal for sure. But, I think it is like playing a game, you don't know what is going to happen next, so you just keep playing. I just do not want her to hurt you physically. She needs help mentally, but damn if I don't think maybe we all do to a point. Waking up, hearing Donkey from Shrek singing "I'm all alone" is not reality. But, waking up alone is. I still have to think someone is with me and then I remember, they are all somewhere else. That is exactly where I want them to stay. Just do not let Dee hurt you physically, there are a lot of people who would love to have what you offer that would take better care of you. They wouldn't be Dee, but think they only made one of her. Guess you have to weigh how you'd feel if she didn't provide a small amount of excitement to living. Thinking about you.

Yes, have been to both. Scott was only about 10 or 11 one time we went and he almost backed off a mountain. Scared me so bad. We usually would stay at (I hope I remember this right) Wagonwheel Gap. It was right on the Rio Grande (I think). We went up a little road we found out was only for jeeps (in a Volkswagen) and came out on top of one of those huge mountains and looked down into a beautiful lake, Lake San Cristobal, and a quaint little town of Lake City, Colorado. We tried to go to that area every time. So many beautiful memories. I have lived a full life and wish I could do it all over again.

That was very sweet and insightful. I'm sure in seven years I have read things that I would not touch with a reply of any sort. I usually stay in my lane. I do think we would have all been better off if I had let it alone. For that, I am sorry.

We married in 1961, and his sister married a NM gentleman in about 1967. From 1969 until about 2000, we were all over those two states and Colorado. I would love to do it all again.

I loved that country Karen. In Tuscon and surrounding areas, the desert just made the mountains in the distance more beautiful. On the border of NM and AZ was a mountain name of Escudilla, in the White Mountains Range. Billy wanted to tent camp (our RV was in Benson, AZ.) I got one of my "ghost" feelings and could not stay there. Scott always called me psychic, but I just claimed to psycho. Of course, I will never go again, without Billy, but I loved Arizona and NM. Our RV club had a park in Wickenburg, but we never made it that far north. I know it gets too hot in the summer.

Our lows at night come in at 30+ all week. We have a beautiful day today, sky is so blue, temperature in the 50's. Maybe into the 60's a couple of days. Enjoy that but know this is still January and we have not had winter yet. Even had some days in the 70's. Christmas was cold, 2-3 days of 20's at night and high 30's in the day. Not really bragging. We get hit with that hot air against the cold air and we are sitting ducks for tornadoes. I dread those. The little flower bulbs have already decided it is spring and the tree outside my mailbox has sprouts of new growth. These weather reporters even take up my soap opera time letting us know where the tornadoes are located when we get the bad weather. At least the greenery and flowers are not fooled where you are and come up to be knocked down. I won't lie though, if we could have 70 degrees during the day and 40's at night, that would be ideal. Get your fluffy blankets out and enjoy the weather, I know, you are used to, and I know it is beautiful.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I was very sarcastic in what I said. I feel I should apologize, but then I would feel I was doing myself wrong in doing so. You are right, age might play a part in it, I am 80, and I felt you were being very disrespectful to people I know who are kind and only want to help. I do not have to make a copy of the things you said, you can go back and read your own post. Our feelings should be respected, just like yours should be. Repeating what we say and then dissecting our feelings, somehow made me feel you were making fun of our real feelings. Perhaps I could have handled it more graciously, and I've never spoken that sharply to anyone, that I can remember (on this forum). Crying and feeling alone are things we all share, but not because someone on the forum has hurt our feelings. It is supposed to be a forum for support, and I'm sorry, I didn't see anything I agreed with when you were unkind. I will get off here now and perhaps Kay or Marty can correct my cynicism.

Please stay and share your thoughts, but negativity and criticism on this forum is not something I am used to. I write too much, but I have never felt so criticized for feeling grief. You mention perspectives often. I honestly do not know how to take your perspective. Perhaps I should have ignored the post.

I only have one thing to say, if you were looking for happiness, you came to the wrong place. I think you have all the answers already, Normal is a setting on a washing machine. We talk to each other. We read. I guess if we had all the answers, either we would not be here or we would hang a degree on our wall. I don't think a degree helps feelings. I'm sorry to say this, but neither are you. I do think you have topped the class in criticism. I give you an A+ (that probably includes your acquaintances you are so critical of.) Now, someone will have to make excuses for me because in seven years, I don't think I've said anything like this.

I guess I've read it many times before, but somehow, it hit me directly after reading these posts. We grieve in direct proportion to how much we love. Thanks Gwen.

I ordered me something. I seldom do that. I had "end time" thoughts in my mind though. I found Caftan's under $20 on Amazon. I ordered one, it is perfect so I ordered two more. So comfortable to sleep in. Now, if I go in my sleep, I will at least have everything covered nicely. Doomsday thinking.

Well Karen, when my folks need it and I have it, they will too. If I don't have it, I have depleted it. "Mama always said" that other folks having more than us does not make us any richer. When the cards are on the table, we can't take anything with us when we leave.

Karen, I think most of us have lived paycheck to paycheck. I am comfortable, but have two in the family that need more than they have money for, so sometimes I run out of money days before the end of the month. Prices have gone up so much. If we get a SS increase then the company that has my TV service went up over $40 and all I got was $50 extra. I called and will be dropping these million channels I do not watch. Two vehicles got paid for in November and December and with helping the others, who have to have help, I am in the same predicament I was before. Billy and I used to go fishing on the borrow pits off the bayou to get fish for all of us to eat. I'm a true bayou girl. I do have a friend and her husband passed after Billy. She was a school teacher and he was 25 years older. She lives close to her son now and posts her trips on FB. I am just so happy for her.. She shows the guy she is "with" now and he is somewhere around her age. I write her and tell her she is having too much fun. But, I am happy for her. I have no need for a man anymore and Billy would haunt me if I did. No desire for that. I think we all are miserable, I think that is normal, and I think most of us have no use for another man. Heck, I'm still married. I could put a couple of shocking funnies in that, but I won't. Karen, I'm glad you have your son close. I just want to get rid of useless papers from years back, buy a monument, put it next to my paternal family and hope Billy approves. I think he will and I will ask him one day, I believe.

I just read that Buzz Aldrin got married on his 93rd birthday. All his other partners ended in divorce. Gotta give the fellow a star for trying to find the right one. Am I being sarcastic? Could be. Wife is pretty but is no spring chicken, maybe a good "frying hen."

Billy used to tell me after years of clear tests that I still lived in fear of the cancer returning. I did. Then 32 years later my colon burst from all the radiation I had had for the cancer and I was not expected to live, overall sepsis. No surgery, my insides were burned up. Not even any female surgery, if I needed it, so I felt free of the stirrups. And then after Billy took such good care of me, emptying the drainage sack taped to my leg, then I was not really afraid. Tylenol was all I could take and it did not touch the pain. I walked until it had died down with Billy watching from the front door. I am obviously a lot older than you and we have different perspectives. The next year, I lost Billy and I did not want to live. Yes I have fear, fear of living, some fear of dying before I get rid of all this paper from years gone by. I do not face anything but death, you, being much younger, you have many mountains left to climb. I wish you luck and after awhile, you will notice all the spring flowers and then the autumn beauty.

I cannot believe if they were married for life or death, I cannot imagine even though they have insurance, even though they worked at jobs for state or federal government that put back retirement for both of them, or the survivor, I just cannot believe their life is one of ease. I was 73 when Billy left, I was taken care of from both working at state jobs totaled at 60 years, life cannot be ease. I mention my family, they might have worked at jobs with retirement income, but one kept taking sabbaticals and used up her retirement. People cannot live on government hand outs. That is where family comes in. We help when and where we can. I guess there might be happy widow(er's) but I do not know any of them. My cousin is going to have to have government help. She is not well, cannot work any longer. Has one child that has a big family and lives away. Another cousin lost her husband of 55 years a couple of weeks ago. Thank goodness for her family. Her husband invested in a home in the country, just outside the city limits. It has grown into an industrial complex all around her homeplace she has lived 55 years. She will have no financial worries, and I'm sure her sweet large family will steer her in the way she needs to go. Where she lives has built up with dangerous gangs surrounding the high fenced in home. It was country when they bought it. I'm sure she would trade it all off just to have her husband back. There really is something called a "widow's brain" and unfortunately it sometimes happens when we are elderly to begin with. A lot of my friends live "in ease" alone. I'm lonesome (sometimes I prefer it.) I get to read. I have health problems that could shatter at any time. They say you cannot live in fear. Yes you can. As to the grief meetings. One of my sweet friends has gone to the "big" Baptist Church in our town/city (about 12,000 to 13,000) people. They had one of the grief seminars and she had me go. She said she'd go with me at first. I told her I could handle it. I expected men and women widowers and widows. I was confronted with young women that had recently lost children, one woman's son had just been shot in a deer stand. I asked why no men attended and was told, "oh, they just get remarried" and I knew that was not always true. I went three times and left afterwards so bereft that my sorrow seemed secondary to a child dying. I cried all the way home and was so despondent for days and could not go back. For once, I had no advice or help to give them. I think Kay was the leader to one of these seminars with much better results. Grandma said (in writing) to the response of the stranger that stopped in her country store. Asking how long my grandfather had been gone, being told it was 18 years, and the woman said "Oh, well you have had time to get over it." Grandma wrote in her "book" that it "felt like yesterday." We all take death in some different ways. My mom stayed angry at my dad because he had a cancer, with symptoms, that could have been cured. Taking away a man's ego (sometimes) is the same as ending their life. My dad suffered horrendously. My son has finally spoke to me in an aggravated way, (this does not happen), but I pressured him to go to the doctor. It worries me. He has some of the symptoms my dad had. He works for the VA Hospital, but he won't go. Sometimes men are smarter than their ego, sometimes not.. I take my sister on February 1st to her 2nd choice surgeon. She didn't like the first. She is not going to like this one either. She is down to 100 pounds. Well, football is fixing to start. I will watch, I will enjoy. I will call out "intercept" just like Billy always did, but he is not here. Enough of my word salad.

If you talk "your business" with any professional, or any friend, it is a private conversation and refer to it as such. Take it in another room, shut the door, and she is not included in the "visit."

Roxi, seven years later, I still cannot go some places or repeat things we did together. A funny picture of him is okay, but a serious one will still tear me up. He worked so hard on April 14th to make our taxes less and he'd stay up all night. I have years of tax papers that are legal to throw away, and I bought a paper shredder to do that. Still can't do it. Laughter is good. For some reason, tonight is a very "low" night. It happens sometimes. TV does not help, but reading turns my head another way. I will go read. We do what we can, when we can.

Of course you did, that is what counselors are for, I thought. I think Dee is possibly what you need, and sometimes do not want, but she keeps the world rolling, maybe bumpy sometimes, but you seem to know how to handle her and I suppose there is nothing to keep her from leaving. I think you make time in your life to include her, so perhaps she is needed after all..

Like my quiet time too. If call is too long, I escape with "bathroom" excuse. All know I have that problem, no one gets angry. Three hours out of my "do nothing" day is entirely too much. I need that time to read. I would put excuse on washing clothes, etc. I do that, but whenever I want to. The other is a rush job excuse, that I am excused for.

I have always felt both sides of our families were dysfunctional. Billy's mom "cursed like a sailor" and I grew to love that ole gal. I know my family fusses from time to time and I just allay it to being dysfunctional. In fact, I cannot remember a family I knew of that did not have some dysfunction. Then I think of the "first family," perhaps, and Cain killed Abel. We learned from the best. I sure can't remember my mom running around the house with every hair in place, a pretty dress covered by a beautiful apron and high heel shoes like the mom did on the TV show "Leave it to Beaver.". But we did eat three meals a day sitting at the table. We (after marriage) had a dining table too, but by the time my kids came around they had invented TV tables. I still think I have five of those. We always said the blessing before each meal at my mom and dad's home. Like I have said, my little sister was almost 10 years younger than me, and I can remember her getting hungry between lunch/dinner and supper. She would drag her wooden high chair to the table saying her version of the grace, "Lordy, Lordy, Lordy." She was ready to eat.