Margm

So happy for you, your family, and for Marley Karen. Good things do happen. I saw a quote the other day that reminded me of Marty's dad. And, I wish we had a million of Marty's dads to help us along now. If the computers crash, that doc you see 3 times a year, he has no idea what is wrong with you. I miss the paper charts. Sometimes they got filed in the wrong place, but eventually they were found. (and this is how I glow)

Gwen, not knowing the situation, I need to keep my fingers still. But, they move on their own. I do believe Dee has put the onus on you to take care of her. Thought it a good idea at first, but the last thing you need is another problem to take care of. I'm sure, like she is a child, you are feeling protective of her. You talk about her bad life. She sounds like a very good companion at times, like maybe she is helping you, worrying about her more than yourself. None of my business, but it seems she is the one needing help, she sounds like she might hurt you in one of her "moods," whether caused by drugs or alcohol. I can tell you this, I do not think you will find a caregiver anything like her out in this ole world. But, it would be nice if Gwen had someone that she could depend on rather than "what's behind door #3." And you never know. It seems like you are the one giving her care, and you are the one needing care. But, on the other side, she does keep you guessing what each new day will bring, and someone that takes care of you would not be that exciting. Love you Gwen, love the care and worry you give to this child/young lady/woman, but you are supposed to be the patient. I don't think life would be as exciting with a staid, older woman, that is a real caregiver. I don't want this person to physically hurt you. I will admit, worrying about her, you have not had to worry about yourself. But, was that the focus of hiring someone to help you? I think she "helps" in some ways, but I do not think you depend on her, except "what mood is she going to be in tonight." Not my business, I think you would miss her and worry about her if she was gone.

I know, you hope they are fed and warm. Do not think it is easy for a good looking young man in those jails in California, but that is how they take winter. Get caught shoplifting and you are guaranteed shelter. Such a sad way to get it. At least their winters against the coast are not that bad. My son has been out there so often to try to "save" his son, but even after giving him a tent and sleeping bag. They were sold for the dope or were stolen by stronger people. It is hard, never thought it would happen like this, but we all have a family member somewhere we cannot help. You think you can't give up, but even getting as low as possible, they still hang on to the stuff. My son was lucky to get off it, but like my AA member sister, she got off the liquor with help from rehab. Grandson came out of rehab saying "sorry, it is the only life I want. Everything has been done we can do. They will take anything and you just hope and pray they do not get a hold of Fentanyl and you know it is there. I'm sorry Kevin. The stuff has altered their minds, and sometimes we can't help. We helped my son, but he wanted to be off of them to please his dad. He did it by himself. Same song, second verse.

Hate reliving that day. Prayers for you George. Some things cannot be replaced.

Mine with Optimum went up over $40 a month. Talked to some person that seemed to care and got it down to $180 (with taxes), but I have Netflix separate. Said I had to pay the $248 first though. We'll see. I paid it. My electricity was almost $400, but Brianna used a separate heater and she still stayed cold. Her thyroid levels run normal, but her body temperature gauge does not run like regular person. She is at her mom's now, so guess it will be down. This time last year it was $170. I called them and learned prices had gone up on things. No kidding!!!! That was something if you live and breathe, you already have learned.

Last night was Billy's night. I cried until bedtime. Then awhile afterwards. Watching "New Amsterdam" on Netflix, because I was watching "Chicago Med" and didn't need two of them. Sure, I'm crying for the actors, acting out their loss, but the scar tissue is so loose, even going into the 8th year. 2015 sounds so long ago. It was just yesterday. It will hit her soon, probably does when she is alone, then what C.S. Lewis said: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." And it does, and it does, and it still does.

I'm so sorry Karen.

See, that is why I wonder if Dee being there, even if she is another pain you have to put up with, I wonder how much her being there puts your mind on helping someone else, even though you are not really able, you want to find a way. In that respect, she is a pain, but one you take care of, even though she is there to help you. Maybe being needed does help you. Again, none of my business.

Keto sounds terrific. Some stupid people let their colons rupture and many more have colon diseases that make Keto foods death traps. Although, in some cases, I've seen it helps some. I used to follow the Atkins strictly. Of course that was years before the inevitable radiation side effect happened. I can have fats, I can have carbs, I cannot have fiber. Only, one time the doc said I could start wheat bread. The nutritionist could not believe a person could live on this diet. I've learned though, the main thing I crave is stuffed celery. No, I won't try it. I won't gripe (though my stomach will), but I've lived 9 years next month on this unheard of way to eat. I have Community Praline Pecan coffee and Pecan creamer. Anything with coconut, even just the flavoring will have me adding another cross on my bathroom wall. Please God, I promise not to eat.............again. So far I am riding just below diabetic levels. And, all this is rolled along with the dose of MiraLax each night.

There was a time people would be thankful for this. I still think some people would be. I hope you find someone that can be a companion and not a millstone around your neck. You have enough problems without having to pick her up. I'm saying this and also knowing it is none of my business. That girl does not know how lucky she is. It is cold out there.

Kevin, those low temps scare me. We have a two day cold snap with it getting down to 20 to 30 degrees and they are warning us about hypothermia. My electricity bill was the highest it has ever (in my life) been. I turned it down to 72 and am wearing sweater in the house. My granddaughter has a weird hypothyroidism, her levels run normal with medications, but she freezes while I am sweltering. Our apartments were built in the 1970's and some rooms are just colder than others. I gave her the largest room with private bath and she just froze. She is living back with her mom now and i can turn temperature down. We saw the sun the last two days and our bayous are running over the banks into people's houses. This happens often, but I am high and dry, and comfortable. I would be satisfied with 70's daytime and 50's at night. Give it a day or two and we will have that. Then the rain and tornadoes. The poor tulip tree behind my apartment had bloomed out, the bulb flowers had started blooming, but we are not through with winter yet. I think maybe, (I hope) that it is not our humid coldness and maybe it is a dry cold and maybe able to be tolerated more. In my memories on Facebook, 12 years ago we lived almost 200 miles to the north and I had filled the freezer with snow ice cream. Put into the blender and it was good to go. Y'all stay inside and stay warm.

RIP for your brother. Time does not erase history, memories or feelings. He was a young man. So sorry.

I tried screaming into pillows. The force of the scream just hurt my head. I watched a movie the other night that was "sweet" all the way through. Took a bath towel to soak all the tears. I cried from the first of the movie until the last.. I was by myself so I could sob when I felt like it. Gwen's saying at the end of each of her posts finally soaked through this stupid brain of mine. "We grieve in direct proportion to how much we love." That really says it all, and you will see that. Took me seven years to see it, but I'm still grieving. Sometimes being old has its advantages. If your young, you have time to possibly make a new life. You will just have to find a part of your heart and mind to make room for whatever possibilities happen. I won't repeat my guilt for how I treated him when he reached for me when he was leaving. Somewhere, I think he knows I was not going to let him go. God took my "God badge" away that day. Cry whenever or wherever you feel like it. No shame.

I think that is the point. She never wanted to bother anyone so exit quietly. Family and friends knew. She was the type of person we all loved, still miss, and we know she is gone. I went through papers yesterday and found obituaries that were sent to me like a birthday card, except it was a "death card." We all have our "druthers" and I'd like to go without a "death card." Billy felt the same. Mama did too. Quiet exit, I hope.

I still think Dee is a major distraction from some of your problems, but I'm wondering if she is worth it. How long before she gets physical and hurts you in one of her drunken rages. Seems she tries to hurt your feelings. She is very lucky to have you.. I know there are other care givers out there that would appreciate a warm home and food. You should not have to wait for a happy time, she should be thanking you every day. I watched a short series the other night and looked at the clock and it was 2:00 a.m. Knocked me out of reading time and it was not that much entertainment. I think it was called "Keep Breathing" and I had to skip through part of it so I could just keep breathing. Actually ended good (I think), it was too convoluted, only me watching, and I wanted to "read the end of the book). Do not think it was true. Wilderness adventure, woman pregnant, falling down mountains, swept down a river, and unbelievable that she kept the pregnancy. I actually do not know what I watched. I hate shows that have flashbacks, and that was all it did. Stupid me.

I woke up planning on doing something industrious. I tackled the pretty boxes in the big bookcase. Of course all I did was dig up bones. Wrote what they were on top of the boxes. I still cannot look at some pictures, read his cards, You know I could help by throwing things away, but my mind and heart would follow them to the trash dumpster that comes Wednesday. In the past few years friends have sent me programs of funerals. My friend told her family, please no funeral, memorial, or paper write-up. They didn't understand. I do. As an addendum, I can go to Encore Westerns and it seems like it was a cleaner, happier time. Oh, I didn't know Billy then except to know he was watching the westerns too, they were new back then. Somehow they are going back in time, a time that was innocent, no grieving, just being a child. I guess 2nd childhood at 80 is not too bad. One size does not fit all.

I think it is 47 degrees. May be some ice forecast, but no snow. I used to make good mud pies when I was a kid, and that still is my skill. Can't eat them though. At least with snow, I could make great snow ice cream. With my no cook status now, mud pies are my specialty. Muddy, crawfishy Louisiana. Got up at about 4:00 a.m., turned the fan on, woke up again with completely dry mouth. A little Sprite, then coffee and all is good. Stay safe Kay, and you too Kevin. I remember our orthopedic floor at the hospital stayed busy in this weather.

I'm sure we all remember you Clematis. Glad you dropped by again. I think we just endure life still, might not be what we would have wanted, but it is life. Hope you are doing good. Gwen, I think Dee has become a sort of family to you, and we just put up with family. She at least "stirs the stew" to keep things rolling. Not ideal for sure. But, I think it is like playing a game, you don't know what is going to happen next, so you just keep playing. I just do not want her to hurt you physically. She needs help mentally, but damn if I don't think maybe we all do to a point. Waking up, hearing Donkey from Shrek singing "I'm all alone" is not reality. But, waking up alone is. I still have to think someone is with me and then I remember, they are all somewhere else. That is exactly where I want them to stay. Just do not let Dee hurt you physically, there are a lot of people who would love to have what you offer that would take better care of you. They wouldn't be Dee, but think they only made one of her. Guess you have to weigh how you'd feel if she didn't provide a small amount of excitement to living. Thinking about you.

Yes, have been to both. Scott was only about 10 or 11 one time we went and he almost backed off a mountain. Scared me so bad. We usually would stay at (I hope I remember this right) Wagonwheel Gap. It was right on the Rio Grande (I think). We went up a little road we found out was only for jeeps (in a Volkswagen) and came out on top of one of those huge mountains and looked down into a beautiful lake, Lake San Cristobal, and a quaint little town of Lake City, Colorado. We tried to go to that area every time. So many beautiful memories. I have lived a full life and wish I could do it all over again.

That was very sweet and insightful. I'm sure in seven years I have read things that I would not touch with a reply of any sort. I usually stay in my lane. I do think we would have all been better off if I had let it alone. For that, I am sorry.

We married in 1961, and his sister married a NM gentleman in about 1967. From 1969 until about 2000, we were all over those two states and Colorado. I would love to do it all again.

I loved that country Karen. In Tuscon and surrounding areas, the desert just made the mountains in the distance more beautiful. On the border of NM and AZ was a mountain name of Escudilla, in the White Mountains Range. Billy wanted to tent camp (our RV was in Benson, AZ.) I got one of my "ghost" feelings and could not stay there. Scott always called me psychic, but I just claimed to psycho. Of course, I will never go again, without Billy, but I loved Arizona and NM. Our RV club had a park in Wickenburg, but we never made it that far north. I know it gets too hot in the summer.

Our lows at night come in at 30+ all week. We have a beautiful day today, sky is so blue, temperature in the 50's. Maybe into the 60's a couple of days. Enjoy that but know this is still January and we have not had winter yet. Even had some days in the 70's. Christmas was cold, 2-3 days of 20's at night and high 30's in the day. Not really bragging. We get hit with that hot air against the cold air and we are sitting ducks for tornadoes. I dread those. The little flower bulbs have already decided it is spring and the tree outside my mailbox has sprouts of new growth. These weather reporters even take up my soap opera time letting us know where the tornadoes are located when we get the bad weather. At least the greenery and flowers are not fooled where you are and come up to be knocked down. I won't lie though, if we could have 70 degrees during the day and 40's at night, that would be ideal. Get your fluffy blankets out and enjoy the weather, I know, you are used to, and I know it is beautiful.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I was very sarcastic in what I said. I feel I should apologize, but then I would feel I was doing myself wrong in doing so. You are right, age might play a part in it, I am 80, and I felt you were being very disrespectful to people I know who are kind and only want to help. I do not have to make a copy of the things you said, you can go back and read your own post. Our feelings should be respected, just like yours should be. Repeating what we say and then dissecting our feelings, somehow made me feel you were making fun of our real feelings. Perhaps I could have handled it more graciously, and I've never spoken that sharply to anyone, that I can remember (on this forum). Crying and feeling alone are things we all share, but not because someone on the forum has hurt our feelings. It is supposed to be a forum for support, and I'm sorry, I didn't see anything I agreed with when you were unkind. I will get off here now and perhaps Kay or Marty can correct my cynicism.

Please stay and share your thoughts, but negativity and criticism on this forum is not something I am used to. I write too much, but I have never felt so criticized for feeling grief. You mention perspectives often. I honestly do not know how to take your perspective. Perhaps I should have ignored the post.