Margm

Karen, my son is a slob, just like his mom. They have a "garage" where they park at the VA and Scott has a 4 door truck. (It is about 12 years old). He keeps it where he cannot find anything, clothes all over it. The back window slides, but instead of sliding it, they broke it out. They didn't take anything. Maybe the guard came up on them and they hid. Crazy thing was, all four doors were unlocked. They didn't have to break in. I always said if someone broke into my house they would just leave thinking someone had beat them to it. We have packs of 12-18 year olds breaking into cars all over the cities. Sometimes caught, sometimes just regrouped into another band of young thieves. And then, it is our turn. I'm sorry it happened to him. Glad all his things were out. Scott had some good stuff in his truck, but even I wouldn't look for anything I'd lost in underneath all the junk.

No, I stay away from the water now. When young, never saw them except on TV or pictures in the newspapers (when we had them.) When we lived on the lake we did not see them, but could hear a beating at night Billy said was them. We let our cat out once and figure one might have got her. There were snakes, that I am so frightened of, but in Arkansas they were everywhere. No alligators in central Arkansas though. Scott had one knock against his boat, and he quit fishing that bayou. But they are here, close to the bayous, come into people's yards, are seen crossing the roads. In my younger years I was left alone on the bank fishing, rode in boats fishing often, and never saw an alligator. Did see snakes. Do not live within a few miles of any waterways now. I guess every beautiful place has its drawbacks. We want clean water, we need clean water. I do not like to get reminders to boil our water. I use a water filter. Do not know if it is the best thing to use, but I do not know where the water comes from in the bottles either. Cannot lift them anymore and keep thinking about the sea creatures being trapped by our plastic waste, and know one person cannot do it alone. Hope everyone feels better and those with the problems that make us hate to turn over in bed, hope a solution is found. There will be a time I need a doc, probably sooner than later, but so far he just takes my vitals and blood work and seems satisfied. If he is, I am. Do not want to take anymore pills. I wish you peace in your life, as much as we can have at this point in time. As much as can be manipulated.

I often open my cabinets to put refrigerator stuff in. I'm watching things. If I find food in the cabinet that belongs in the refrigerator............I'm not gonna tell y'all.

My sister would have breathed lots better in that dry climate. It had to be wet for me. Today, I don't know the high, but I was in short sleeve shirt. It is 46 right now, cool, 41 low, 67 high tomorrow. But remember, we were under tornado watch a few days ago. It above us and below us. I was looking where Kevin lived and I'd like a magic portal and three buffalo robes just to see Banff. I've heard how beautiful. New Orleans is magic, my sister lived for years in the middle of the French Quarter. Had bananas growing in the courtyard behind her apartment. Yet, she had to move her car twice a day for the street cleaners and people walking their dogs, visiting wonderful New Orleans left reminders all along the streets. We felt we were in a tropical country, my sister's "home" and she loves it. She tolerates North Louisiana and I just love it. I don't hunt, criticized the hunting (Billy had quit), and he asked me if I knew those worms I jerked the guts out of and the fish I gutted, they had feelings too, so that was the last of my fishing. Never even considered it. I can be the biggest hypocrite in the world. I saw the picture where Billy and the "Bridge Sitters" (a group of teenage boys) used to go and do their summer swimming. Kelli jumped off of it too. I will find it and post it. No reason. Just memories of Billy as a kid.

In deep south Louisiana, the people used the moss to make mattress filling for beds. I guess every place has its beauty and also alligators and grizzly bears. I live in North Louisiana and we always feel like we have gone to another state/country when we go to New Orleans. My mom grew up in a place called "Red Lands" and the iron ore was so thick the water would stain everything red (before they got water softeners). My dad's folks and my mom's settled right on the Arkansas/Louisiana line so I am used to hills. No mountains though. In my imagination, Heaven has streams for Billy to fly fish in and mountains with snow on top for us to look at. And the temperature is always "just right." And you a Canadian boy, you grew up in South Louisiana. Magical. Right around the corner of this road is Bodcau Bayou. Kelli took a lot of pictures of the bayou and the cypress stumps. Until they made it a law against cutting the stumps, every high school shop class would make cypress stump lamps. They would sand them down and then shellac them (or varnish), I'm not sure which. But all country homes that had boys had one of these lamps. Then the state made them quit cutting them.

Mostly river land around here. I know there is a big swatch behind my daughter's house of just land, but I think that is about as prairie as we get. River bottom land. We have a beautiful place along the Louisiana/Arkansas border where it is almost like going up and down little hills. Our highest "peak" is Driskill Mountain at 535 feet. I grew up "between the creeks," and that was all I knew to call them. It was Bodcau Bayou and Dorcheat Bayou. All my family (in the distant past) lived and settled on or around those bayous. No kidding about "crawdad mud" between our toes. (I cannot stand going barefoot).

It ranges in the 30's, 40's, 50's at night and will get up into the 70's a couple of days this week. We have been very wet, lots of rain. My son works at the big VA in Shreveport. He works the 11-7 shift and opens each morning before going home with a picture of the flag. This morning he got the sun coming up on our flatland world with a slight breeze to the flag. He does this every morning, and it has taken on a new life in itself. We need to see the flag every day. And with my hours, it is the only way I will see a sunup. Stay warm. We get used to the weather conditions where we live. My sister has her computer finally hooked up. Our small town had a computer geek after all. You all up north, keep warm and inside, if you can. (You can see my son's reflection in the window taking the picture). Sometimes the flag has wind in its sails.

Just needed a pick me up, and that was literally what Billy had to do. He would always take me to my parties (our working groups) for some holiday. At this one they were celebrating my last trip to MD Anderson (I would not go back), doc said he could follow me, treatment ended. They had a CD (movie, I guess) of John Holmes, the porn star (all girls party), but I passed out before they played the movie. It was all in good fun. We were a wild bunch, and I think there are two of us left now. This actually was a good memory, Billy loved to pick me up, and he knew I could not drink. He never drank. Not moral or religious reasons, it just made him sick. Would kill me now. Life did have its moments.

Gwen, I hate birthdays, mine or anyone else's. I guess not having them anymore would mean I didn't have to hate them. Don't like holidays either. I am the perfect Grinch, except he is nicer. Still, hate it for any of you all to have to put up with crappy people. I found my picture. Would not let me load it so I will find one when I was happy. Think I have put it on before. This was my 2nd Margarita. The 3rd one I was hanging my head over a clean commode and then I passed out. Could never hold my liquor. They called Billy to come get me. Kelli, my daughter, said every time Mama went to a party we always had to go get her. True. I didn't go to many.

I am fortunate. I have a wonderful support system that needs me often. The thing is, and you all know it, the feeling is "I am alone" no matter if we have 50 people picking us up. We had Thanksgiving, my son wished for a big one because me, his mother, would sit alone if they would let me. Unless we remarry, and some do, some of us still have that "alone, let me alone" feeling, but if we were left alone, then those that are really alone, they would understand that no matter how many people we have around us, we are still alone. I'm not trying to be mean. I have a young friend in the ICU of MD Anderson that has fought for years, really YEARS, and they have not given up, stem cells, chemo, chemo, chemo, bone marrow transplant and then failure, and still she fights on. She has pneumonia, in a coma, in the ICU at MD Anderson right now, she cannot get on FB, but her family gets on, asks for prayer, a million prayers, she fights, her tired little body fights, her doctors fight, her family fights. I used to have questions, never any real answers, but now I don't even have questions. I am going to read and travel to somewhere my book takes me. Can I say "Happy Holidays?" Well, I can say it.

Peace to you and all the rest of "us" and the many us's that have not found "us."

Sometimes I'd rather see the nurse. One comes to my sister's apartment. It is a male nurse and he was stiff and informal, new, not sure how to get around in a hoarder's things. Actually now, after disliking him so much, she is very happy and they have gotten to know each other. Sometimes that is more personal, safer than a stiff, computer driven doc that is in and out. I go every four months, guess because I am old. He is okay. #1 doc in our small town. Not the only one though, we have grown into the other small towns under our medical center's name. No one can do anything for me anyhow, except he did bring me up on being aware I'm a prime patient candidate for diabetes. Do not have it yet, but only because he made me aware I could do something, even on a low fiber diet. (Because of the ruptured colon).

I can't upload my grinch picture. Damn new computer. I want my old dumb computer back. My daughter thinks she will introduce me to the computer upgrades. I don't want to be upgraded, I am "the Grinch" in his meanest form.

I am so sorry. I think you very eloquently stated what everyone on here feels this holiday. My greatest regret is I am such a poor actor, I cannot fake happiness even to help my family. Now, what kind of person am I? I saw my little grandmother go through over 25 holidays after she lost the love of her life. We ignored any sadness on her part. My other grandma, my Mammaw, I actually think her holidays were much happier after my granddaddy left. He was a dictator that I thought was ancient when he died in his 50's. He was such a "blah" person, I never missed him. He died on my 13th birthday, and we lived happily ever after. I'm going to put an addendum to this. This "granddaddy" was supposedly mean to his wife, drank and ran around on her. She was the meek and mild female of the 1930's, and had no help or anywhere to go. She lived out her final nearly 40 years pampered, her own apartment built into her daughter's house. She grew different violets. Pictures of her in her late 30's and pictures when she passed at 95, she was more beautiful then than she had been when young. Her daughters kept her hair dyed and they were the most beautiful colors of pinkish and almost purple greys. She really was a live Angel.

I can remember when special days were really special. I think those were the days I had to join in and didn't mind. Yet, I hate for my Grinch mood to ruin it for others. Hard to pretend anymore. But then again, I did not used to have to pretend, it was honest true feelings of happiness. I think it was my mom who used to sing this song to me when I was feeling sorry for myself: Nobody likes me Everybody hates me Guess I'll go eat worms Big, fat, juicy ones Long, thin, slimey ones I decided I liked me too much for that.

I'm ashamed to say this, but I do not know. I handed them back to her. She says it is local SS. She taught one class for a couple of semesters, and I think they are questioning it. You would be surprised how little college teachers get paid, especially in Louisiana, also part-time payment. I believe our senior center here in town, and everywhere probably, has an ombudsman who works for the elderly, government pays. I will have to stipulate that I be there or she will run them off. Honestly, my dad died in April of 1984. It was about mid-April. The first of April his brother-in-law who he had known all their married life, he came to help. Daddy got up from his chair and with his cane physically ran him away from their house. My sister is just as stubborn.

I think if a person is so old they only remember the good times, then perhaps someone greater than us is helping protect our memories. Mama never quit talking. Marcy gave me two of her daily diaries. She and Daddy both kept daily diaries of weather, etc. Anything important, anything not really important. I have not read them yet, or even know what I did with them. Toward the last, Mama talked about her five husbands. This was a constant subject. Names didn't matter. The only fact for all of them was that they all died. Mama and Daddy were married about 44 years when he passed away at the ancient age of 65. Mama left at 95, but her little excellent, intelligent analytical mind left a long time before. Daddy was her only husband.

I think I did this wrong.

Running my mouth again. I miss Billy, he knew how to handle family. I don't. I'm doing it. I keep remembering I am 80 years old and sometimes I do get too frustrated. One frustration should be allowed me each day. I used to tell my grandson that he was captain of his own ship. I'm not even gonna tell you where he sailed his ship. My mom and dad were very "cold" as parents and grandparents. Not everyone is going to get it right 100% of the time. People should have happy Thanksgivings and Christmases. I am such a dud. Does everyone who lost their mate feel this way?

Gwen, I can talk from lack of experience, which is also known as stupidity. My sister gets things in the mail that tells her by her bank balance SS will not pay her but $?? amount of money this month. My sister has chemo-brain, or that is what she calls it. Cannot argue that fact. Now, I have to figure out how to pay her TV/Wi-fi company that she has not been paying and has TV but no wi-fi or house phone. I have her cell phone plan, and it is a simple senior flip-phone that companies want us to add apps to, and we use it only for calling. I talked to the SS woman in our town and she told me my sister has nothing to worry about, but the multi-page thing they sent her this month says she does. She drew out her retirement as soon as it became substantial, and that is gone many, many years ago so she gets some SSI too. This month they expect her to live on $500+. She expects me to fix this. Got to fix her TV and wi-fi and have someone come in and hook up her computer, the TV company won't do this for a personal computer. Bless her heart, she is the smart one in our family. This chemo throws her for a loop though. I took her in this morning for the big one, will go get her this afternoon when it is finished, and she will not be able to taste food. Cold food burns her mouth. She will not apply for food stamps. My son is going to help me pay for past due TV company fees and have a computer "geek" come in and fix her computer. She is lost without it as she checks her bills/bank all the time. I had a chance experience with road rage the other day. A big red-dick-truck got on my small Toyota Yaris hatchback's tail and honked his loud horn because I was not moving fast enough. I developed road rage and blew my Ferris-Yaris horn back and it was a little toy sound. So, I was on the road that ran parallel to the big red-dick-truck and I don't know what I would have done if I had caught him. My Yaris could not catch a one-legged man on a bicycle. I got over it.

This was a side effect (I felt, not including others) of being on antidepressants so long. I had a very flat affect. Believe me, that is the only "flat" I've ever had. I could not cry at all. Thanks Karen. I have so much frustration and I think I better just hush.

I sometimes go back and read what I've written and sometimes I say too much about family problems. Some of my family is very proud, sometimes to the point of stubbornness. My dad knew he was terminal, but he was afraid of pain pills, afraid he would get addicted. (His daughter (me) is not that proud). But being stubborn sometimes is mind boggling to other family members. We do not all run on the same track, and I do them disservice to talk about them. I'm sorry. I let frustration get the best of me sometimes, but that is really no excuse.

Mine never did it again after I started wearing slip on sneakers. I wear the long socks because they provide soft compression. Not uncomfortable at all. Mama used any kind of thing to file the calluses off. Hers would crack to the bleeding part. My daughters are pretty much the same. I can only figure it is because I never wear open heeled shoes anymore. Besides, I honestly need all the foundation under me I can get. I have been known to not pick my feet high enough and the floor will nearly throw me down. Good luck with that. It is miserable.