Margm

We have so much terrorism these days, it dawned on me that Debi, you live closer than we do to the disaster. I know it happens everywhere, our 9/11, and these are unsafe times, but I thought of you Debi when I was reading about this. We are, none of us, safe from these random acts of terror, and certainly we have enough in our life already without having to accept the delusional acts set off by this carnage. Prayers for all the people in France and surrounding areas. Stay safe Debi.

I had forgotten the song also. I can listen to music from the 70's, all of it. Clearance Clearwater Revival my favorites. Forgot Tommy James completely. It was my generation that went to the Vietnam war and should have come back and been as revered as "the greatest generation" from WW-II. We had many that "took to the hills." We were keeping an RV park for friends up in Jasper, AR in about 1997. Some Vietnam vets still lived hidden in the hills. One came down occasionally to shower in the park's stalls. There was no soap and he came over to tell me. I gave him a new box of Dial soap. When he finished showering, he was so humble he returned the used soap in its box. We lost a lot of good fellows that had to serve, that, at that time, were required to fight this war that the USA hated. They are my heroes. I think constantly about my grief and the suddenness of his passing, but everyone that died in our wars, in the Paris attack, each one had a family that loved them and there are so many that are grieving with us forever. Does not lessen our grief, but I did not feel this way when my dad passed away. His illness was so painful and drawn out that we just wanted relief for him. These people that are losing loved ones to this senseless terrorism attacks, their grief has to be as horrible as ours. I am selfish, I think of myself too much.

Sometimes it is not just the weather. Those four hats of Billy's that I talked to so emotionally earlier in the week, I was just going to the grocery store, just a mile or so away, and the sight of those precious hats have had me crying ever since. Okay, must be like those crazy hormones that made us cry at anything when we were pregnant, only I think my hormones have gone, just like our loved ones. Just crazy, stupid, forever more, cursed (and I could say a string of that) grief. Damn grief.

My son is a submarine vet. I will try the "0" right away. Thanks Kevin.

Kevin, my big opposition is talking to robots who are not there. Then they give you up to 9 numbers to punch and the 0 is what you should have punched at the first. I was so surprised to call our Group Insurance company (we both retired from the State of Louisiana, me from LSU and him from Dept of Hwys. I was so surprised when I finally talked to a real person and they told me they had been informed of all the information and everything was taken care of. If they removed his insurance payment from my next retirement deposit, it would be returned. Best, easiest thing I have had to do with this "death" business so far. Still, removing him from my Medicare or my insurance is just another sign that I am on my own. So be it. To quote John Denver (I think), "Some days are diamonds, some days are stones." Only, our diamonds are just cut glass.

I want to admit something about this "another day alone" topic. My friend lost her husband in December. She took care of him for a very long time. Their relationship was like most relationships in that it was "not like most relationships." We all had different stories. The fact of life, or death, is that we were left alone. In my case I went from Mama and Daddy's house directly to Billy and my house. I have never been alone in 73 years. But, my friend of many years said she sat down in front of his favorite chair after he was gone and told him all the bad things about their relationship over the years and then she told him about all the good things, and it was a number of years to hash over. She was exhausted when she finished. I talked to Billy's favorite four hats on the passenger side of the truck on my way to the "big city" from our little town. I talked non-stop, even about the first terrible nine years, then about the years in between, about all he had done wrong, but most of all, all I had done wrong and in the end, in the past thirty years we had forgiven each other and he was my best friend. I told him what a good father, husband and grandfather he was. By the time I returned home, I was totally exhausted, but I was totally "talked out," no more to rehash. We had forgiven each other any trouble we had caused the other one. My big mistake was, each night I would go to bed and each morning I would wake up telling him that he was not here anymore and would never come back. My friend said "don't do that." So, I have started telling his side of the bed how much I still love him and that he will always be with me until the end of time. That helped me more than telling him/myself that he was gone. We all have to make a pathway through this canebrake of grief. We have to knock down the trees, weeds, debris that gets in our way to make a place we can walk, a place we can breathe, a place eventually that we will see the sun. No path is the same. No method helps everyone the same, sometimes you meet an obstruction you just have to sit down until you are strong enough to get through. I still have no answers. I am still not strong enough to break through the obstruction, but I have a lot of "girlfriends" who have gone through this for a lot longer than I have, and I am hoping I can come out on the other side, like they have, but it has to be my own path, just like it has to be yours. I talk big, but I have not even faced but one month tomorrow morning. I am a fledgling. I had Billy 54 years, and they were my life, he was my life. Now I have to make a life, and it is not easy, but I see my two grown middle aged children hurting so bad too. Billy was an exceptional person, losing him hurt a lot of people.

I dread Thanksgiving so much. I don't dread going to Louisiana, I dread coming back to this place we lived in, the place he left me in. I know he did not do it on purpose, I realize that, but I don't want to return. I have to put the house on the market though. Things I have to face and I want to hide under the covers. I can physically do that. What I want to do is just run, and I don't know where. Besides, I cannot physically do that.

I hate it too. This is a club none of us wanted to ever join. I was selfish enough to want to go first. And, all of our feelings, yours and everyone's change at a moment's notice.. That is probably why they tell a person not to do anything for a year. Right now, right at this moment, right at any moment I want to run, run, run away, anyplace that I am not there. Of course, that is impossible.

Brad, I cannot look at Billy's pictures yet without crying. I hope that one day, I know that one day I will have them beside me where ever I go. I know/I pray that one day they will give me some semblance of peace and not sorrow. My daughter posts them on Facebook and I have to pull away. It is so raw, so painful right now. Not yet a month. I was able to look at his 11th grade picture and smile. I did not know that cute plump, blond, slicked back 56-57 hairdo boy. But, I did love the boy in the picture without hurting. Strange feelings happen. Like the RVing that I so boldly planned that first week. Those were "our" plans. I cannot carry them out without him. I know that would be too painful seeing the places we had planned on seeing again. We always traveled to NM first thing. My daughter recently moved there and thought I would enjoy coming. I went out there on business one time, just my daughter and me. Billy stayed here with our granddaughter. I was miserable. The places we enjoyed could not be enjoyed without him. That is a strange phenomenon I have encountered. I have never been alone. Went directly from Mama and Daddy directly to Billy. Now, in my second childhood, I am on my own. Strange, scary, and empty.

My daughter is moving back to Louisiana from New Mexico, because Louisiana is "home." We all need home. She was crying last night and had to spend the night in a motel, her 2nd night on the road. I hate that trip through Texas. I do not hate Texas, I just hate the length of time it takes to get through it. Billy was such a wonderful father and grandfather, it is hard on all of us. We each share a big gaping hole in our life that is missing. You are so right, one hour, one minute, one second. The sun is out, she put the sunroof open a little to let the sun in. She is better today for one hour, one minute, one second. I have not cried yet today, but it rained so hard yesterday, it was so dreary that I know I added a lot of moisture to this house. Right now I am going to see my neighbor Hettie. I did not hear from her yesterday. We try to keep in touch every day. Her husband has only been gone a little over two years. She helps me very much, but she gets down with grief too. We all do.............anything to get through. You are a wise man Brad.

"I believe, and this is observation and my belief, there is a big difference in sympathy and empathy." My quote. Whatever our belief, however, we feel, we all know grief now first hand. Something I wish we never had to know. When I had cancer and was worried about dying all the time, I would wake up at night afraid. Billy would try to calm me, and this was thirty-three years ago. The calming influence he had on me was great, but it got turned around. His exact words I do not remember over the years, but the meaning was "Margaret, if you do die all your worries, your pain, your trials and tribulations will be over with and it will be your family that is left with all the grief and pain." How right he was. However we share grief, we share all the pain that he was referring to the family and people that were left behind. He also told me once, "whoever is left, must stay." So, whoever is left must pick up the pieces of a shattered life and live somehow, someway. Words are just words. Grief is pain.

"One day at a time."

I believe, and this is observation and my belief, there is a big difference in sympathy and empathy. I remember a lot of my friends losing their husbands to death and I offered them sympathy. Now that I have lost Billy, those same women offer me empathy. I accept it with an open heart and I love them for it. I remember my aunt, who passed away at age 90, she had lost her husband of 57 years when she was 77-years-old. I can never remember my heart being as open to her as it would be now. She is gone, and I feel guilt, but at the time I understood sympathy, I did not understand empathy.

Agree with it all. Two wobbly wheels here with a flip-floppy heart and brain, and water works that seem to happen and run down my face at the least little thing.

That was beautiful. I have briefly seen Billy twice. Just as I was waking up, like in a dream. It has been less than a month and I would just live for the times to briefly see him again. Until then, I will just live, possibly just exist, and maybe one day be alive again. One thing that is positive, the sun is out today.

Well, I picked a movie to watch tonight where the man's wife had just died in the hospital. I turned that off fast. Watched The Voice instead. I looked at forecast for tomorrow, it did not forecast my mood, but it did forecast sun. At this point in this life we have, we have to hope for something, even if it is just the sun. I want you to know, all of you, my heart is with all of you going through this horrible time in our life. I hope even for sunlight.

I think we so want things to be normal again, but we all know it will never be normal again. But hopefully the sun will shine again. Thank you all.

Thank you Enna, that was so sweet. I don't think I cried day before yesterday, but I have made up for it today. Sometimes it is heck being human.

Marty, thank you for shoring me up. The headache analogy hit me.......right in the heart. You see, I never have headaches, luckily, and I better knock wood on that one. I did give in twice in the first week and went into our RV to scream into a pillow. Both times it gave me a headache, so it is one of those things that, well, if it hurts, don't do it. But yesterday I woke up with a headache. That is always a clue to me my blood pressure is a little high. Does not have to go up much, just a tiny bit and Billy would take my blood pressure when I had a headache. It might be 140/80, which is too high, but just that little bit would give me a headache. Still had it when I went to bed last night, had taken my blood pressure medicine as I am supposed to do, every day. But, I went to bed thinking I should leave my kids a note about how to get my insurance. That is one thing I have to do, another piece of business I have to attend to because Billy is the beneficiary. No headache today, just heartache. Thank you Marty, I needed to read this. I so want to be "up" for everyone, but sometimes I just cannot.

Nothing but an observation. It is raining and dreary here. Okay, so is my mood. I am fighting my emotions. I am trying so hard to fight this depression, this grief. Weather changes bring on too much. Too much everything. My neighbor sister widow Hettie was even fighting it too. I need sunlight. We all need relief from this pain. Sometimes I can fight it to some extent. It has not been a month yet. I have to fight to keep final pictures from flashing in my brain. My grandmother, aunt, other relatives passed away in their 90s. My mother is 94. These had to be strong women. Why am I such a coward. I have to fight this..........................

You have my hand. We will make it.

I have Billy's photography for Arkansas's beautiful autumn leaves. October was my favorite month of the year. Now it is my most hated month.

Debi, if you lived next door to me we could share Hettie, my sister widow. She helps me so much and yesterday after her Loyal has been gone two years and three months, she was depressed and it was one day, possibly the only day, I was not in total depression so I was able for the first time to sorta help her. It was the weather change from warm autumn weather to dreary, wet, sorta cold weather. So, we are in for it with weather changes, sunlight, rain, snow, wind blowing...........anything. Again, maybe the fog will lift one day. But you, Hettie and I could help each other a lot. I have at least five sister widows that check on me. These are "girls" I graduated with so many, many years ago, and some I worked with. And now you, a friend in Brussels.

KPL, I woke up alone also. After 54 years, I reach over on his side of the bed and I tell him I know he is gone and is never coming back. That does not help, but it is a ritual I have begun. My granddaughter gave me a life sized huge stuffed soft dog. I put Billy's boxers on him and his PJ's. Knowing Billy, I am surprised I do not wake up each morning and find "Daddy Dog" on the floor. Of course it does not help, but it was so sweet of my granddaughter. He was the only daddy she ever knew and for 16 years, she was his baby. We helped raise her. He was such a wonderful father, grandfather and husband, he is totally irreplaceable. Our son cannot watch boxing anymore because he and his dad watched it together. We will be able to do these things again. It hurts me to look at his picture because I cannot touch those high cheekbones ever again. I wanted us to die together, like things I read in the paper and things I read to him about long married people dying within minutes of each other. I wanted to go too. But, he told me that whoever lived "should stay." Hurt my feelings at the time, because I was very ill and was sure I was going first. I was comforted that he was going to take my ashes in the RV with him where ever he went. But, I know Billy. He would have taken the RV to the woods and he would have been a hermit, he would have lived alone like that until he finally passed away. I read a poem, anonymously written. It goes like this, and actually did not help that much, but the meaning is clear. One or the other must leave, one or the other must stay. One or the other must grieve, that is forever the way. That is the vow that was sworn, Faithful til death do us part. Braving what had to be borne, Hiding the ache in the heart. One, howsoever adored, First must be summoned away. That is the will of the Lord, One or the other must stay. It should be put in poem form, but the spaces would take up too much room. I hope one day the fog will lift off all of us, and we will find out why we had to stay.

Big hugs to you Debi. I wish I could see Brussels. My son has visited all over Europe. I will go visit Brussels on Google. Won't be the same, but you and I have shown that people are people where ever we live, where ever we come from. We all feel things the same. XXXXX You are a good friend and people just have to love you.