Margm

Janice, the anxiety is there. I don't know how to deal with it either. Some of my friends took to anger and I cannot do that. My mom took to anger. It is an emotion just like the panicky feelings we are having. I have no solution, but I am going searching for one. I cannot take antidepressants because of a colon rupture from the radiation I had for cancer 33 years ago. I do not know now to approach all this, but I am going bear hunting with a switch, so to speak. I wish we all did not hurt so much. Someone mentioned loving so much being a curse when you lose that love. It is a hard load to bear, but would not have missed it for the world. We had someone to share with for a long time. I don't know which path I will take, I am totally lost, but I am going searching. Hope has to be our reward sometime, somewhere.

Thanks Kevin, well, I would drink if my old woman's reflux problems would let me. We handle things the best way we can. I love all of you. You are so brave and I hope I can be too.

This is grief. I told a friend tonight, who lost her husband in December, and who has helped me. She got married at 31. She is my kids age. I got married at 18 and cried for my mama when I was pregnant later in the year, first trimester, and I had the flu. Last time I cried for her. Now I cry for Billy, partner for a lifetime. I get to do my growing up in my later years, guess this is my second childhood. It does not matter how old you are or how long you were together, when you lose your life partner, your world falls apart. I might need help because the terror/panic attacks seem to want to shut me down completely. I am no spring chicken, but not ready to be the boiled old hen for Thanksgiving dressing yet either. I will get it together. We are all a work in progress. (And, if I sound brave, I had 1/2 Xanax about 3 hours ago).

Marty, I have tried finding my faith. I am a Baptist, but Billy and I did not go to church. We were in nature in this beautiful state and always said we felt closer t o God in the national forest and the rivers than in a church. I am going to read the ones above and if not too long, I will copy them because reading is hard right now. I can write, but I have always been a writer and can express myself this way. I feel like such a coward and know I could find peace as I did when I had cancer. But that was me, and that was both of us pulling together. I do not want to put my grief on my children to worry about me. Suicide is not in my mind, my kids would just have a double whammy and I cannot do that. I am just not use to these terror attacks I am having and perhaps they are normal grief, but I never grieved like this before, not even for my father, though I had cancer when he passed and his was a long drawn out cancer fight. My two best friends had cancer at the same time, we were young women. They all passed away within two years and I had to seek counseling for why they were gone and I was not, when mine, at the time, should have been fatal, and why I was spared with Billy's help but I could not help save him. It was like we were given two miracles and I used them both up. I feel so unnecessary, but cannot leave my grown children with the financial burden, though we have funds to cover everything and for me to live comfortable, but how can this be comfortable? I am such a crybaby coward. I was able to copy. Thanks Marty.

I've got a doctor's appointment Friday. I will request a shrink, I suppose. I cannot be a burden to my children, but these panic attacks are driving me crazy, thus maybe a shrink. Billy was always against psychiatrists, said I could talk to him. Eventually, I could. Now I cannot. He does not answer.

Being older, ours was "Until the 12th of Never." He wrote that on a big sheet of paper and I have it right behind my computer screen on the wall.

Oh, I have thought that I would have preferred losing him to a divorce. At least then the hurt could turn to anger and he would be alive. My mom acted like she was "free" when my dad passed. She became very possessive of everything, it was "hers" but we were not trying to get it. My mom, sometimes I am sure, did not play with a full deck, but all we heard was how she had to quit a job she had just got a promotion to and had to start taking care of him. My son said my dad died with a smile on his face because he was so glad to get away. She has Alzheimer's now and thinks she had two husbands. She outlived him 31 years. Marriages are all different, but I see the grief expressed years later on this forum. I am happy to have had a loving marriage, and I cannot get angry at anyone but myself, but I can see where my mom's anger made her survive so long. But, at what cost?

I have mentioned that I felt like an unanchored ship adrift and unable to even see land. One of my friends, who lost her husband in an explosion, said after over two years she felt like she almost had an oar in the water. This morning I received a card from another friend who lost her husband a couple of years ago and she told me that nothing but time was going to help me. She said she would go outside in her yard and pull weeds all day to keep from being in the house. Also my neighbor helps me the most. She still sleeps with her husband's rolled up sleeves shirt. I have all Billy's clothes and houseshoes on his side of the bed along with a lifesize dog that my 16-year-old granddaughter gave me and she calls it "Daddy Dog." Billy was the only daddy she ever knew and he loved being teacher and grandfather/daddy to this beautiful child. We all just hurt, all of us, all of my family, all of the people on this grief forum. I guess there is no medium feeling to any of us, we all just hurt, and I hope time can alleviate some of this hurt for all of us.

Unfinished business........Thank you Kevin. You have helped me. It is unfinished business for Billy and me too. Not going to worry about any different plans.

Butch, I know it was hard to fight. I find myself thinking it would be so easy to let go. I have mentioned that I used to read the romantic tragedies of people married so long and dying within hours of each other. I noticed he did not say much. Finally, after reading a few he let me know he thought it was up to the one left to go on with their life. My son told me last night, we could not lose you too Mama. And, I see what Billy meant. We have to go on for the ones that are left. Even if they are grown with families of their own. Sometimes I feel my worth was only being his partner, his wife, his best friend. Going on with a life without him seems unthinkable, but he always was smarter than I was. You made it through, you could have given up but you made it through for your son and your grandchildren. It has not been two weeks for me, sometimes I forget I have to carry on and just want to dissolve into the atmosphere. Our 54 years together gave us two children/grown now, three grandchildren and three great grandchildren. It is hard for me to carry on without him, but I have to, just as he would have had to carry on without me. I wish you the best of health now, and like me, we have to learn to take care of ourselves. Our mates cannot do that anymore, it is up to us to carry on for the family that we made together, just as your family that you and your wife made together. Feel better my friend.

I know it is too early for real plans. Thank you all. One thing I never wanted to do was be a burden to my kids. Our son has lived with us most of his life when he was not married. He is on VA disability, 100%, but has a girlfriend. He does not live with her or stay with her all the time, but I don't want him to be burdened with me. There is nothing that takes away the grief this early, maybe never, but if I was in any way unable to take care of myself, I would go into assisted living. I know what Billy would do if it had been me go first. I know he would grieve terribly, just like I do, but he would get in the RV and live. I have been so fortunate all these years. This is the first major grief I have had to go through and if I live long enough I might have to go through more. I am such a coward, but I am going to have to try to do what Billy would have done if I was the first to go. I know that would be what he would have wanted. We did discuss it, but not about him going. I was the one who had two major illnesses, but he pulled me through them. I could not pull him through, I tried. My son said he had a knock-out punch he could not dodge. My kids hurt terribly. He was such a wonderful father, husband and grandfather.

We know we have to move on. It has not been two weeks yet and I think about going "home." Billy and I were wandering people. Our roots are embedded in the red dirt of northern Louisiana, Webster Parish. We wanted to travel by RV. I don't think we are supposed to make plans yet, but I hear footsteps behind me and I am not wanting to run. Billy always let me make the plans. He just always went along with them. One moment I want to go back to our "home" state, but he would really have been against the city living. I don't care for it either. We discussed if either one of us was left behind, the other would travel by RV. Right now though, all I want to do is get away from "here" and that means where ever "here" is right at this moment. I think they tell you to wait a year. In one year I will be reduced to five pounds of flesh having to swim in this sea of tears, and I cannot swim. We neither had feelings for this house other than as a place for our granddaughter to have a "normal" growing up life. She hated this place though and wanted to live in a big city with her mom, which we accepted and made plans to leave this house. Now I want to leave, but I just want to leave period. I don't know to where. He is not here, he will never be here again and I have to shake myself and say that. I was granted fifty-four years with my best friend. I have to now make a life alone. How do I do this?

Neighbors - generational. I think you hit the nail on the head Debi. And Brad, I would have done the same as Deedo. Now to the neighbors. I am some older than the majority of you. We lived in a small papermill town. Our land where our house was built used to be my grandfather's land. All the land around us used to be his, most neighbors were relatives or relatives of relatives. We had a big front porch, red porch swing, and what they called, back then, a "picture window." No one hid behind curtains. My dad played all musical instruments and, bless his heart, (southern, I know), tried to sing. He did okay. Every Monday night we had his country music get together's and all the neighbors (no air conditioning) had their windows open or sat on their big front porch, or out in the yards, or on our porch. No TV. All of those reasons together produced neighbors, neighborhoods, and friends and relatives at your door. Someone passed away and you did not have to cook for days. I do not watch sad movies. I do not watch reality shows. I do not read epic novels. People tell me "that's life." I know, I live life. We all lead epic lives. On one good note. Some of my faith has returned, even without Billy prodding me. Oh, maybe he was, but this time I prayed to God for some rest and this is the first time I got about eight hours sleep.. Maybe I have had a break through. Life is not all about me, but the sleep was very nice. I might add, the sleep came along with the Tylenol PM, but I have been needing sleep aids for years. Billy did too, until about March. Even if we had known about his illness back then it would have been too late. i can take some comfort in the fact we did not know, so he was able to sleep without worry for awhile.

You are exceptional Debi. No wonder everyone misses you if they don't hear from you all the time. We are going to make it. We might be lonesome in 1000 people scattered around us, but we will still find a way. Love you my friend. You make a difference.

Thanks Debi. I read this and printed it out. Like I said, 33 years ago I had them. When I was waiting for the results of follow-up cancer tests, but I worked at a teaching hospital, I knew many psychiatrists, and knew I should go to one. I actually left a full buggy of groceries in the checkout lane and walked out of the store at one of these attacks back then. Fear can raise many disorders up. I developed dissociation and my shrink said it was the mind protecting itself. I welcomed those phenomenons though, after I found out what they were, but never the panic attacks. Probably called all of these "nervous breakdowns" in my grandmother's time. She suffered one after cancer surgery, stillborn child, trying to raise 6 small ones with my grandfather's three small sisters and brothers. Even with all that big family, after her husband passed away, she was still alone. My neighbor Hettie is an accountant. I am taking all the papers I have to fill out over there today. I have a congenital tremor and when I get in this condition I just as well have palsy, cannot write, sometimes cannot type.

My Billy was called "Billy the Kid" because he loved getting gifts, Christmas gifts, Birthday gifts, Father's day gifts. At first he was not one to buy them himself for any of the rest of us but over 54 years he delighted in this new found gift giving. The kids loved buying him gifts. He would pile them up beside him and take one at a time and painstakingly pull of ribbons, gift wrapping, and relish opening each gift. He was more fun than buying for a kid and our kids loved buying him lots of them. A most loving husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather. He loved kids. Yes, the magic has gone out of our life. We will poorly try to attempt to celebrate, but not sure we can. I am not as magical as he was and I am one of the mothers that would say "you should not have done this" and what is horrible, I meant it. He would say way ahead of time, "what are you getting me" to the kids. I have lost my companion and oldest child of my heart, my husband. We are all bereft at our losses. You all are in my hearts and I feel your sorrow.

Debi, you were the one who helped me the most and now I traced you back to here. You are having a time of it by yourself. I have classmates that are old enough to have already lost their husbands, and a few younger coworkers who lost their spouses. You, with your words, you gave me hope. I copied your note and sent it to my sister and my daughter who all suffered loss at the passing of my Billy, the best dad and brother (in-law) in the world and they are hurting too. My middle aged kids are not immune to the pain that I am going through and of course go through the pain with me. I do not know anything about Belgium. I only know the "deep south" of the USA. Certainly we have bad things too. When I called to have him cremated of course no funeral home would do it without the promise of funds. I try to not think about the unthinkable things that had to prepare him. I will not think about them. But the fact remains, what do they do with people who do not have insurance or funds? My children are grown, but losing this father, who was (to us) the best father in the world. They are suffering terribly and suffering because I suffer. I am having unthinkable panic attacks and can feel them coming on. I will go to the doctor tomorrow. This is something I had 33 years ago and did not expect it ever again, but they come on unwelcome but still they come on. I feel like a crybaby because even though I have lost this lion of a man, it has taught me empathy is not sympathy. And, Debi, I share empathy with you. I wish us both strength to face the upcoming days and hopefully my faith will return. I know that is something each person needs to fight these times of sorrow and despair, depression and panic attacks. I wish I had the words to help you, like you helped me. I saw the strength in your reply to me and so did my sister and my daughter. You are to be admired and cherished as a friend, as you were a wife, a daughter, and as you are a mother.

Debi, your note meant so much to me. I wish none of us had to have grief counseling, but sometimes little things really help. Thank you all.

Now my sister messages me on Facebook. Remember to take your Mira-lax and your blood pressure medicine. Billy used to put our medicines in separate cups. He would fix the coffee at night, I would pour it for him in the morning. Sometimes I forget to make coffee. After he got ill, nothing tasted good. Not even coffee. When I first met him his family was a coffee on the stove all day, cigarette smoking family. After he quit cigarettes over 30 years ago, coffee became a one cup a day thing. Strange the little things you remember.

The Baptist pastor told me God was just beside me waiting for my reach. I knew/know that and know I will not have total peace or anything close to that until I quit being so stubborn. I want you all to know that you have helped me. I did have to take 1/2 Xanax this morning and I do not know where these are coming from. I knew where they were coming from when I was being treated at MD Anderson. One of my friends nursed her husband through his death from a devastating stroke, for seven years. She is a wonderful Christian and her faith has sustained her. I know I need my faith back. Billy helped lead me back during my cancer battle, but this time he is not here and I have to do things on my own. I printed out your note Debi. You, Kay, and all the others. You have helped me so much. I am an infant on this journey. I have to figure things out until "it is my time." Thank you all so much.

We live in a small town of 1000 people. When we first moved here and a semi-emergency occurred after 10:00 p.m., we quickly learned that we must make sure we have gas in the vehicles tanks or we go no where. Everything closes at 10:00 p.m. The closest town is 35-40 miles away in any direction. This is Arkansas. This is why we moved to this part of the state. Billy liked the rural. I liked the rural, but not if an all night Walmart was not within 10 miles. Luckily, my neighbor and I recognized this attack. I am sure she has been through them too. It had been a long time for me, so I thought maybe this was one of those "this is the big one Elizabeth" (If you remember Redd Fox show). My lawyer said give myself a year. Know I do not want to stay in this big empty house. Billy was no "homesteader," we were RVers that stopped for awhile to help raise a granddaughter till she decided this town was too small. That hurt us both, but we got over it, it was something she had to do and really gave us some freedom we had not had. We were planning on leaving this house to finish up our RVing we had started years before. When the long ago radiation caused my colon to rupture last year and overall sepsis, then we talked about what we would do if the other left. Actually, we both figured it would be me, although Billy would not have let me go without a fight. Thus the anger at his leaving so fast. We did not have time to fight. I was willing but he physically could not. So, see, I have come to face the truth. Accepting it is not the same. I still go over in the RV and cry to him about leaving me. I will get peace, I believe, once I allow my lifelong religious beliefs to take hold. Right now I know I am holding God at arm's length. I am aware of that, even though I know I need the peace that passes all understanding.

I have not been. Could not eat so I have subsisted on Billy's Boost and Ensure that he could not drink. I ate "solid" food though today and I feel better. Washed a McDonald's small HB down with coke Thursday. I honestly do not know what each day will bring. But you all know that. If I am going to do what we had planned though I have got to get rid of the fear, panic attacks, and wishes to not be here. I am going to try and hope it gets better. Or easier. Or anything livable.

Oh, I expound on here all the time. I had a panic attack this morning. I thought I was dying, even looked up my insurance for the kids. Went to see my friend Hettie who lost her husband two years ago and we agreed it was a panic attack. I had one when I had cancer 33 years ago. Today was a week. The Baptist pastor called me and I melted over the phone. My son is here with me, so I am really not afraid. I only woke once I think last night, so that was good. Tylenol PM works best, even over prescription drugs, except Xanax. I will get it together.

Beautiful story, beautiful wife. Beautiful couple.

I don't want to do this every week. I only woke up twice last night and did take pill to sleep. Tylenol PM works best. I do not want to think. I do not want to "see" what I saw last Saturday. Got to get the images out of my mind. I received a card from a classmate who lost her husband, she called him "sweetheart husband" 12 years ago. She quoted something that helped her "Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal; love leaves memories that no one can steal." Nothing reaches me. Only, I remember this person's husband passing years ago. Then her mother, then her brother, who was younger than her. You have to experience loss yourself to feel empathy for someone, otherwise you feel sympathy. I was not there for my friends, I was living in the moment of still having my spouse, knowing I would go first, selfishly hoping this. But one fussed with her husband, had to leave to go to a granddaughters surgery in another state. Called home over and over. An aneurysm or blood clot took this young man during the night while she was gone. That was 16 years ago and she did not even get to see his body. One nursed her husband for seven years from a stroke that took his way of life, before it took his life. There are so many "if's" that I cannot dwell on them. If I could have saved him last week end, we would still be facing a terrible death. I have no saving graces. I need the peace from God, but how can he reach me if I won't let him in? Now I think about the plans we made if either of us were to leave. We would get in the RV with cremains in the passenger seat, or seated safely close. But see, I was supposed to be the cremains. It sounded romantically tragic. Now it scares the dickens out of me to move anywhere without him by my side. I promised myself I would never be a burden to my kids, the way my mother is to my sister. My mother needs in a nursing home, but my sister would lose the house she lives in, that is my mothers. My daughter has gone back to NM. My son is here with me, but he has been with us now most of his life. He goes off for awhile, but then he comes back. I think maybe about getting a rental property back in Louisiana, which is our home, but Billy and I both hate homesteading. We were RVers, gypsies, nomads, meanderers. Now I feel like a big rock in the middle of the road. Life will come back to me if I look for it , but his life will not come back to me. I would not accept he was dying. He finally made me accept it last week-end, but I still cannot face reality. Went to see my neighbor, Hettie. Was feeling weird, disconnected to person, place that I was. I had had one of these before when I was fighting cancer 33 years ago. I did have to go to a psychiatrist (which Billy did not believe in going to, when I had him to talk to). This was serious though, I had run off and left a basket of groceries in the checkout line, ran trying to find my psychiatrist, could not find her and had to call her. I cannot remember how I called her now. We did not have a cell phone. Had to have help to get to her office. This morning was the same, I felt like I was dying, hyperventilating. I did take a whole Xanax, finally calmed down and instead of drinking only Boost and Ensure, I had a can of cream of chicken soup and a glass of V8 fruit juice. The soup was not bad. I ate it all. I had a small McDonald hamburger Thursday but had to wash it down with coke. Hard to swallow. I have to come out of this. I know it has been just a week, but does anyone have anxiety attacks? This was a definite, full fledged, think I am dying, don't care, panic attack.