Stallyn

Wendy, thanks for the encouragement,I love you always and always thanking God for bringing you and others in my path in the worst and better times in my life Hugs, William

Interesting, for years, (bipolar II) I wasnt told or aware there was a herb for such a thing, what are the side effects if any?

Hi All, Especially Kay, I got your message, well, I don't know where to begin, I been in the sidelines for quite some time now, coping and continually changing things that wisp by in my life, some bad times and some good, of course some of you know I tend to just keep to myself and try to tackle everything quietly, its been 18 months now since I lost the love of my life, now rebuilding my life and the pain I suffered, well I bring things up to date, at first I had a difficult time even to post this, perhaps hearing it may went to fast? I met a wonderful gal in April after a few mishaps, and we have been together since then, with the challenges of a new relationship and personality was not easy for the first few months, I was clueless! I spoke of Myrna, kept trinkets, pictures, etc, not knowing it was bothering her. but she stood by me, with Wendy there with me all along, I wouldn't know what do do with a woman's advice, lately my health was suffering, but seems to get better with therapy, you know what it feels to only feel miserable for so long, then suddenly life is renewed? Life is a transition of heart, mind and soul, to prepare us for the new things we are prepared for. Right now, I don't know how to reach out and help others, I want to, but fear cripples me,not sure how to offer something. Am I alone in this? Love, William

Well, Its been awhile since I been around, but I wanted to say, Fred, of course you know I known dear Wendy since early in our journey of loss, but talking to her and seeing her happiness and joy she has sought for so long, you gave her a wonderful gift of friendship and love, and thats awesome, there is hope and a future post grief, at least when you dont go looking it happens, and its just so neat to see you guys where you are now! Bless you, Jersey & New York girls, yes awesome!! William

Kay, Wendy said it best to kick him around, sorry, it bothers me, I seen my mother go through that, its entirely unacceptable what he is doing, If i had a way, he would be very very sorry, once that trust is misused it difficult to trust again.

Kay, how are you doing? I will pray for you and your family,

Kay, I am at a loss for words for all that is happening to you, though all this you maintained your strength and love for her, bless you my friend, Love, William

Karen, I am grateful for your friendship, have a very good night Love, William

Karen, I dont know what to say other than its very exhausting, I know most druggies have a mental illness themselves and I seen them hustle the drugs just to supply their needs, and when Danny and others get in the funk they don't really care about who's who. I hope it doesnt get to the poin of jail then its the hospital next, Its ok to vent, I wish I was here sooner though, I miss you! love, William

Karen, sorry about not posting sooner, I am very familiar with that situation seeing my friend years ago lose his housing because of drug use, sounds like its spiraling, and does his case manager get involved? You are right about saying "no" we tend to let the wrong crowd in but eventually we have to realize if we choose not to help ourselves no one will. Been there, done it, at a great cost. Hope today is better William

Teny, get well and I am thinking of you, (((HUGS))) your friend, William

Kay, wow, every word and detail just much as it is, reminds me how life stinks now at 41.

Lyn, Gosh, how many times I been told I look like a train wreck, personally, I mowed my lawn every week and kept a beard for a day or two, easy hiding in the facade of the home we live in, out there, we seem "OK" but remembering to eat, getting enough sleep, seems difficult. I have exhausted myself pretty much to the point of no return, if I don't do it all today, then its not at all, isn't that where our spouses would tell us to time out? Please turn off the autopilot, this rides making me sick, just once I'd like to hear silence and the whisper of our loved one saying, "I still love you too" William

Shelly, Depression is a unpredictable mood coinciding with grief, as a manic depressive, and my experiences with long bouts of depression, psychotherapy helps regulate it enough to allow the mind to cope with the loss adequately.

Never easy, Thx for posting, sometimes theres too much time thinking, reflecting on the good things that was with the love shared and suddenly again the reality sets in, I walked over a year now, and one day out of many it is the beginning again.

Tonite, sitting here, missing my baby so much, god, the pain so much not hearing her voice telling me "I love you" feeling loved and wanted by her. I feel so heavy like my chest caved in without a hope in the world knowing I will never see her again in this life. Part of me has moved on, but a huge part of my soul still feels empty. I ask myself many, many, times if one of these days, will I snap and just let everything we had, her legacy, my life slip away before my eyes. Just hoping the pain will just let up. I am exhausted. really exhausted. William

Thank you Lynette, its difficult for a guy like me to say anything really anymore, it has been trying times for the past year, living to forget, yearning to see the face of Myrna, feeling no anger towards her anymore, or least residual now. Its been 5 months now?, forgive me, I cant recall as well, You offer your experiences and no matter it be 5 months or 8, we learn from what we offer each other here. It can be just as bothersome with others avoidance behavior. I seen through my course others I interact with on a professional manner say too much or just plain don't get it! Of course you posted, and showed me again the kindness and love that just doesn't come anywhere else anymore. Its been over year now and whenever I talk about Myrna, it harks back the sorrow but pleasant memories of her life. I be thinking of you tomorrow, may the memories of his life with you comfort you, I be here if you need me. Love, William

Kay, I realized that too, where they are, everything they are becomes full of wisdom. Maybe they know now they served a purpose in our lives, maybe some mistakes but love always at the forefront. I always knew she taught me love and to love, thats the legacy, what I'd give to be married to her again through all this suffering has taught me. William

As time passed I forgave Myrna too, I rose above the anger and just feel the good times we had, One regret though, I should have been more attentive to her needs. Hopefully she has forgiven me for my mistakes.

Dusky, I get to printing it, I just absolutely love it, rememer that song from Nazerus- "Love hurts, love wounds" so true today, its been playing in my mind lately. Kay, I noticed society is in a rush, no time to say hello or get to know someone, sometimes when I go places I just smile and joke, sometimes it backfires and others light up knowing someone notices them, here, safe to be anytime, dating sites or bars, I question the effort put into it or the expense of just "meeting" people anonymously. Do you just wish seeign your spouse just for a minute, not saying anything but looking with love at each other?

Wendy, its getting old having them come over and tell me this and that, provide services they think is required and not needed, et al; meeting peer groups, group therapy, what about directing me to get social services and assitance for housing repairs? no, they have no clue of losing a spouse can affect all aspects of living, yes they tell me I make excuses not to socialize, and interact, hard to do since the incident last feb and march.I don't desire to get out just yet, maybe in a month, if they would assist with gas LOL. I would gladly discontinue services if it came down not losing my doctor and meds. Now I just have to turn inward with them and plead the 5th Love, William

Suzanne, I know here I get understanding, exactly, when I am tired or depressed my house and beard goes to heck but it never bothered me, eventually it get tended to, I think the need not to let it get to me personally anymore or lose my mind for it Half is gone, the void is ever ending inst it? Kay, you aloof? we get along fine, I love that song from Led Zepplin, "dazed and confused" I thought that song was written for me LOL you are a very warm person, you and Suzanne, Wendy, Karen and so many others met through here, no not at all think you guys are materialistic, maybe its a perception of the ones met on dating sites over the time (I since stopped looking) I wasn't ready. Love, yes again some day, maybe alot to offer the right person. John, when I posted last night it saddened me again to think about it, because it is true, love is the part of grief, we always love, perhaps the lingering of it reminds us how much we miss them. Love, William

Wendy, it comes at me from those crazy case managers and peer-to peer support, I thought about what conspired when they came by and really laid it out, indicating I was unshaved, house was a wreck, really, I am tired of telling everyone that grief is a long term thing, of course they do not understand losing a spouse is traumatic and I really don't want to interact with others, it hurt enough last year (you remember) Not going to say anything to them or anyone other than this forum. Dusky, I would like to print that "wish list" out with your permission, quite a few could read it and accept than trying to change us. its really something, hammer to the nail dead-on. Blessings, William

It feels that way Wendy, LOL, everyone I know here in Mesa says I need to get out and socialize, your kind words mean alot Love, William

Kay, I wonder if it can be done again, my late wife was exceptionally understanding of my illness and disability, through the years, I seen nearly most women my age want a guy with alot of money, mercedes, the whole bit and Myrna wasn't like that, had a good job but didnt care about materialistic things, how can anyone surpass her? she stood by me though the good times and many bad times, maybe not optimistic about it anymore, she was my soulmate. I would be classified as shy and introverted, not readily available to many options. Thanks, I am grateful to be back, I reached the limits of grief and here is home for a long time. Love, William