MartyT

My dear Grace, Your loss is so recent, and I am so very sorry that you have reason to find yourself here with all the rest of us now, in a place where I’m sure you never wanted to be. But we do want you to feel welcome here, and we’re very glad you came. If you haven’t heard from HOV’s Bereavement Office yet, I can assure you that one of our Bereavement Counselors will be contacting you by phone very soon to inform you of all the bereavement services available to you at no charge over the next 13 months. Our services include educational materials, correspondence such as our bimonthly newsletter, periodic telephone contact, ongoing bereavement support groups at various locations throughout the Valley, and individual bereavement counseling if you feel a need for that. Please feel free to contact our Bereavement Office for more information, at 602-530-6970 or 602-530-6971. (If anyone else reading this message wishes to receive our bimonthly newsletter, please contact HOV’s Bereavement Office and ask to have your name added to our mailing list.) I know your home feels empty now without the physical presence of your husband, Charlie, and I can only imagine how alone you must feel. But you are not alone. This online Discussion Group is always available to you, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Here you will find some of the kindest, most sensitive and caring people you will ever hope to meet. Here we’re all bound by the common experience of loss, we’re all on the same journey, and we’re determined to help one another find our own way along this difficult path. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Wendy, I’m so sorry for your loss. Since you are approaching the one-year anniversary of your mother’s death, I can assure you that it is not at all unusual for you to be experiencing a resurgence of grief right now, and that can be quite disturbing, especially if you didn’t expect it. Although the strong feelings of grief are not continuous, they can return at any time, whenever you are reminded of your loss – and they can be especially apparent toward the end of the first year. As this special date draws near, you may find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of your mother’s diagnosis, treatment and care. You may feel frightened and confused, all this time expecting that your grief would have been resolved by now and finding instead that if anything your pain has intensified. Please know that what you’re feeling is normal and to be expected. You are not losing ground. The progress you have made is real. Getting past this anniversary is but another significant step in finding your way through grief. You say you don’t know what you feel, you don’t know what to do or say, and you don’t know where to start. I don’t know what if anything you’ve been doing with your grief since your mother died, but since you’ve asked for advice on “how to just start dealing with this,” I want to suggest some things you might consider. First, get rid of the notion that "time heals all wounds." Time is neutral. It's not the passage of time alone that heals. It's what you do with the time that matters. Grieving is an active process, not a passive one, and recovery is a choice. You can learn how to use this grieving time to help you heal yourself. I believe very strongly that the more you learn about grief, the better you’ll be able to cope with it, because you’ll know what’s normal, and therefore what you can normally expect, and you’ll discover what you can do to manage your reactions. See, for example, some of the articles I’ve written about grief (go to the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site, and click on the category labeled ARTICLES BY MARTY TOUSLEY.) See especially Understanding the Grief Process and Managing Your Grief. Consider taking an online course on grief, such as the one I wrote, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Read one of the wonderful books on mother loss such as Hope Edelman’s Motherless Daughters, or Ruth Forman’s One Woman’s Journey: Recovering from Grief, or Losing a Parent by Alexandra Kennedy. Visit some of the Web sites listed under the DEATH OF A PARENT category on the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site. Consider joining a grief support group (contact your local hospice organization and ask what bereavement groups are offered; see the National Hospice Organization Data Base to obtain hospice listings in your home community). And by all means, continue sharing your story of loss and giving words to your grief by participating in a message board such as this one. In the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: “There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.” Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Oh my dear one, we are all so terribly saddened to learn of the tragic, sudden, accidental death of your beloved this past July. Please rest assured that there isn’t a person here who would “brush this off as puppy love.” Obviously you are deeply in love with Kyle, and the bond you have with each other is very, very strong. Death may have ended Kyle’s life, my dear, but it did not end the relationship you have with him. As long as there is a place in your heart which is the shape of Kyle, he will be with you. I understand that you have been in therapy, but I don’t know with whom or for how long, and I want to be sure you’re getting the sort of help you need. I hope that your therapist is knowledgeable about normal and complicated grief processes, and is experienced in treating them. (Sometimes consumers assume that every therapist has expertise in every aspect of mental health care, but when you think about it, that’s not very realistic. If you had a broken leg, for example, you wouldn’t go to a cardiologist when what you really need is an orthopedic surgeon. Nowadays there are counselors and therapists who specialize in bereavement care.) You might ask your therapist if he thinks it would help for you to work with someone who specializes in complicated grief reactions. You could ask him for a referral, or you can contact your local hospice organization and see what grief support services are available in your community. It may also help for you to do some reading about grief, so you’ll know what normal grief looks and feels like, which in itself will help you to feel less “crazy.” (See the Articles and Books page and the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site for suggestions.) I hope you will continue to participate in an on-line grief forum such as this one, which will help you to feel less isolated and alone. Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts at this sad and difficult time, dear one. You are not alone, and we all hope that you will find some comfort here. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Bethann, There is nothing I can say to take away the loneliness and anger you are feeling in the face of your grandfather’s death. What I can do is to assure you that such feelings are absolutely normal, and give you permission – indeed, encouragement – to puzzle over the spiritual questions you raise. This is the stuff of grief, my friend. Anger is one of the most common reactions in grief; it is only human to rail against the injustice of your loss. You’re angry at the disease that stole your grandpa’s dignity, and at those who cared for your grandpa for failing to save him from his illness. You’re angry at your counselor, too. On the one hand you feel as if she’s pulling for you and knows you’re strong enough to get through this, but on the other hand you fear she may be minimizing or discounting the magnitude of what you’ve lost when your grandpa died. You’re angry at God for letting your grandpa get sick and die, and at life because it isn’t fair. You’re angry at a situation that’s suddenly rendered you helpless and powerless, just when you thought things had settled down, you were happy, back in school and in control of your life. You’re angry at your friends for being happy, who aren’t suffering as you are suffering, who haven’t lost what you have lost, who may be more fortunate than you and don’t even see it or appreciate it, who cannot understand what you are going through and who, when all is said and done, will go back to their lives as usual while it feels as if your entire life has been turned upside-down. The following is exerpted from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year. I share it with you now (and with others who may be reading this), in hopes that it will help: . . . When you’re frustrated and hurting, it is only natural to lash out and look for someone to blame. Being angry is a way of channeling energy, of making some sense of the pain. When we are protesting an unjust loss, we may have every right to be angry. Even if we know our anger isn’t logical or justified, we cannot always help how we feel. Emotions aren’t always rational and logical. Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad – they just are. And for some of us, feeling angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss. . . Anger is a powerful emotion that can be frightening. But feeling angry doesn’t necessarily imply that you will lose control or take your anger out unfairly on others. Before you can get through it, let go of the intense emotions attached to it and move on, your anger must be admitted, felt and expressed, if only to yourself. When you simply acknowledge feelings of anger to yourself or to a trusted other without actually doing anything about them, no harm is done, to you or anyone else. On the other hand, if anger is suppressed and held on to, eventually you may erupt like a volcano, you may internalize it and take it out on yourself (in the form of depression or anxiety), or you may misdisdirect it toward innocent others such as family, friends and colleagues. Suggestions for Coping with Anger •Recognize what you were taught about anger as a child and how that may affect the way you experience and deal with anger now. •Seek to understand what’s driving your anger, resentment or disappointment. Examine whatever expectations you had of others that were not met. What did you expect that did not happen? Were your expectations reasonable? Were others capable of doing what you expected? •Discover ways to discharge the energy of anger in appropriate, non-destructive ways that will bring no harm to yourself, to others or to property. Find a safe place, space, activity and time where you can let your anger out through - physical exercise: sports, brisk walking, pounding pillows, chopping wood, digging holes, scrubbing floors. - hobbies and crafts: painting, pottery, stitchery, wood working. - music: blowing a horn; pounding drums or a piano. - writing: keeping a journal; writing a letter and tearing it up. - talking: finding someone you can talk to, without feeling judged or being told you’re bad because you’re angry. - reaching out: asking others for the support you need, rather than expecting them to know. •If you’ve decided your anger with another is justified, you can choose to deal with it by - confronting the person constructively with what happened and how you feel about it. - realigning your expectations, accepting the person’s limitations and seeking the support you need elsewhere. - leaving the relationship. •If you think you’re in danger of hurting yourself or someone else, if you’re feeling as if your anger is out of control, seek professional help at once. – Source: Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, © 2000 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, CT, pp. 24-26. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Ally, Surely one of the most painful aspects of losing a loved one to death is that somehow, on top of all our grief, we must put up with all the insensitive comments and empty platitudes we may hear from friends, relatives and others who think that they are helping us. If they don’t know what to say, they may talk about the weather or some other mundane topic – anything except to discover how we’re doing and how we are coping. Those who are unable to face us may avoid us altogether, as if we no longer exist for them. Sometimes people say things out of ignorance and inexperience, and we are left feeling angry, frustrated, disgusted and hurt. Stunned with shock and disbelief, we think to ourselves, “How could they say such an awful thing? Don’t they know how much it hurts?” The answer is simply that no, they don’t know, because they haven’t been where we are and they haven’t walked in our shoes. We cannot control the words and actions of others, but we can control where we turn for comfort and support. We can choose to seek out and be among the most supportive people we can find. One advantage to coming to this discussion group, Ally, is that here you will find people who DO know how much it hurts, because we all are hurting, too. In this place of understanding, caring and support, you are among others who are on the same journey, walking along the same path, grieving losses of our own and trying to find our own way. What we say to one another in our grief forums is this: We are here, all the time. We care. We want to learn more of what you think and what you are experiencing. We will listen as you talk about your loved one. We will cry with you in your sorrow and laugh with you as you recall the good memories. We won’t mind how long you stay or how long you need to be here. We won’t tell you to hurry up, to get a grip and pull yourself together, to let go and get on with your life. When you don't know where to turn or what to do with yourself, know this: We will be here for you just as you are here for us, as we all do what we can to help each other bear our grief and ease our collective burdens. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Beth, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and of course, because you are feeling so alienated from your best friend right now, it feels as if you've suffered a double loss. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. You say that your friend is keeping herself very busy and has built a wall around herself. When evaluating how someone else is grieving, I think it's extremely important to keep in mind that, although certain patterns and reactions are universal and fairly predictable, everyone's grief is as unique to that individual as his or her fingerprints. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no specific time frame. I'm not sure how long ago your friend's brother was killed, but the fact that he was young and his death was sudden and unexpected are important factors in how your friend is reacting now. A person in mourning can look and feel quite off balance to the rest of us, especially when that first wave of shock and disbelief wears off. Some may interpret the initial numbness of grief as a sign of indifference toward the one who died or even denial that a death has occurred. The sorrow that normally accompanies grief can look a lot like "depression" to people unfamiliar with grief. But more often than not, what you see is a very normal reaction: a natural response to losing a cherished loved one. It's very helpful to remember that, in and of itself, grief is not a pathological condition. That's why it's so helpful to read about normal grief, because it helps us know what to expect and learn how we can manage all those reactions that may be unfamiliar to us. If this is your own first experience with losing a loved one to death, Beth, you might find it helpful to do some reading about grief yourself. See especially my articles, Understanding the Grief Process, and Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family. I think it's only natural for you to be feeling a need to comfort your friend and in return, to obtain some comfort and understanding back from her because you, too, have lost someone you loved very much. Unfortunately, however, you may be expecting more from your friend than she is capable of giving you right now. That is not to say that your feelings and needs are any less legitimate. You, too, are grieving, and you deserve all the comfort, understanding and support you can find – but I want to gently suggest to you that right now you might do better to look to someone other than this friend for such support. That said, I want to commend you for coming here and seeking some "pointers" in how to be there for your friend in a positive way as she copes with the loss of her brother, and I'd like to refer you to two excellent articles on that very subject: How to Help a Person in Grief If Someone You Know Has Suffered a Loss by Bob Carnivale, and It's Happening Again by Sandy Goodman. I'm also pasting into this message a piece that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site, in hopes that it will be of some help to you and to others who read this message: How to Help a Friend in Grief As much as we would like to avoid unpleasantness in our lives, sometimes it is inescapable. Instead, we must learn how to grieve in healthy ways and work through our difficulties. If you are wondering what you can do to help a friend who is in intense mourning, here are some suggestions: Recognize that everyone grieves at their own pace. Some progress rather quickly, some move very slowly. We never move at the speed that others think we should. Help us take one day at a time. Keep us company and be there for us. You don't need to say anything profound or do anything earthshaking. Often, your greatest help is your quiet presence and simplest deeds. Make suggestions and initiate contact and activities. It is important for you to respect our privacy and give us some time alone, but we also may not have the energy to structure our lives right after a traumatic loss. We may have to rely on others to think of things that we don't know to ask for. Provide a safe environment for us to show strong emotions. It may be very painful, but it can be of enormous help. Help us remember good things. Tell us your memories of our loved one as you listen to us tell you ours. If we begin to show our emotions outwardly, you have not upset us, you have simply enabled us to be a bit more open in your presence. Be there after the first wave is over. Make the effort to call, to come by, to help us out six months and even a year down the road.Crowds may be difficult for us. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help. If we're not up to a visit we'll let you know, but let us know you remember and are there for us. Listen to us. We need to tell our story over and over in order to process our grief. We may even say outrageous things. Don't judge us by what we say or how we feel. We have a lot to work through, and in time we will come to the answers that are right for us. Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers. You may not be able to help us with certain issues right now, so don't be too quick to share your opinions if we say something you don't agree with. We need time to work things out on our own. Be sensitive to our needs, be patient, have confidence and believe in us. We will get better, we will experience healing; but it will take some time, and it can be rough going for much of the way. Be on the lookout for destructive behaviors. Traumatic loss can lead some people into depression, alcohol or drug abuse. We may need you to keep an eye on us while things are especially tough. Help us find humorous diversion. Laughter is good medicine. Be willing to do difficult things with us. We may need someone to sit with us in court; we may need a safe place to rage; we may need help with the funeral or afterwards. There may be some hard times ahead and facing them alone can be terrifying. Help us find ways to bring good things out of the bad. It is important that our loved one be remembered and memorialized. Find out about grief. Read some of the books that are available. The more you know, the better able you will be to help us. Help us to find support and inspiration. Often, a poem or song will speak to us in ways that no one else can. Also, talking to someone who has survived a similar loss can help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief. We have to go through this valley in order to get to the other side. Dealing with grief cannot be avoided or postponed. Grief can make relationships difficult and you may get frustrated with us or feel uneasy around us. But please remember that now, more than ever, we need the caring and patient support of our friends and family. Help us get through this as well as we are able. Your true friendship and companionship, your kindness and patience can help us get our lives back together. We will experience some level of grief over our loved one's loss for the rest of our lives. Some days will simply be better than others. One day, we hope to reach a point where our good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major milestone for us. Thank you for being here for us. Reprinted with permission from What To Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss(3rd Edition), by Bill Jenkins, WBJ Press, Richmond, VA, 20001, www.willsworld.com I hope this information proves helpful to you, Beth. Above all, please be patient with your friend. Grief work is some of the most difficult work she will ever have to do, and it will help her to know that you will let her do it at her own pace, and that you don't expect her to have to do it all alone. Wishing you and your friend the peace and healing you both deserve, Marty T

My dear Stephanie, I can only imagine the size of the hole in your heart now that your precious grandmother has died. Please accept our deepest sympathy and know that we are thinking of you. I hope you will take great comfort from the fact that you did everything you could to make your grandmother’s last days as easy for her as possible. Surely she knew how very much you loved her. Thank you for sharing your story with us and when you feel ready to do so, I hope you will tell us more about what was special about your beloved grandmother. In the meantime, know that you are not alone, and we are holding you close. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, The answer to your questions lies in your initial statement: “I never allowed myself to grieve and feel anything.” When we're unable to give grief the attention it demands at the time of our loss, our grief doesn’t really “go” anywhere – it just lies there waiting for us to take care of it. It simply does not matter how long ago the loss took place. The good news is that it’s never too late to do the work of grieving, and there is plenty of help “out there” and available. You have taken the first step simply by posting your message here and acknowledging your own “need to talk to someone.” I believe very strongly that knowledge is power, and the more you know about the subject of normal grief, the better you are able to understand and manage your own reactions. That’s why I'm always encouraging all our visitors to do some reading about the process of grief. Read some of the other messages posted in these grief forums – that alone will reassure you that you are not alone, that others have traveled the path that you are on now and have made some useful discoveries along the way that may be very helpful to you. Their stories can give you hope that if others have experienced the most devastating of losses and survived, then somehow you will make it, too. Go on the Internet and find and read some of the excellent books and articles written on the subject of loss and transition. See, for example, some of the references listed on the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site, and follow some of the links on my Links to Bereavement and Loss Sites page (look under the ARTICLES BY MARTY TOUSLEY, ARTICLES BY OTHER AUTHORS and BOOKS / RESOURCES categories). Consider taking an online e-mail course on grief, such as the one I wrote for Self Healing Expressions. Go to your corner bookstore or public library or to one of the online bookstores and browse the grief and loss category. Think seriously about joining a bereavement support group in your community; contact your local hospice to see what groups are available to you, usually at no cost. (To find a hospice in your own city or town, search the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization Data Base.) You do not have to stay in this miserable place of anxiety, loneliness and confusion, my friend. The help you’re seeking is all around you, and I hope that you won’t wait one minute longer to go after it. I hope you will think of it a gift that you can give to yourself. You are worth it, and you certainly do deserve it. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, I am deeply, deeply sorry to learn of this tragedy in your life, but I want you to know that everything you are describing is part of a very normal reaction to a terribly abnormal situation. I can only imagine how horrible this must be for you and your friend’s family, and although there is nothing I can do to take away your pain, I hope I can offer you some useful information. As I have said elsewhere in these forums, suicide is one of the most difficult and painful ways to lose someone we love, because we are left with so many unanswerable questions and so many mixed feelings: How could a dear friend do such a horrible thing to us? Where do we put all the anger, guilt and frustration that we feel? What more could we have done to help? How can we ever get past the shame and embarrassment we feel when others find out what happened, and seem all too quick to judge us for not foreseeing this and for not doing enough to prevent it? For whatever reason, your friend obviously believed that life in this world was just too much for him, and at the moment he took his own life, he saw suicide as his only option, as the only way to end the emotional pain he felt. Unfortunately, when someone is determined to commit this act, there is very little if anything someone else can do to prevent it. We simply do not have any control over the choices and actions of another human being, no matter how much we may wish it to be otherwise. For reasons known only to him, your friend acted on an impulse and, as someone once said, his suicide became for him a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Unfortunately, you and his family are the ones who are left behind to deal with the pain and hurt and guilt that have resulted from his action. There is no right or wrong way to do the work of grieving, and each of us must find our own way – but I believe very strongly that the first step in coping with grief is to educate yourself about it, so you know what to expect and what tools are available to help you manage it. It is especially important that as a survivor of suicide, you learn all you can about this particular subject. Read what others have written about suicide (see, for example, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Death of a Loved One by Carla Fine, ISBN 0385485514; you can go to Amazon.com to order it or ask for it at your local library). I hope that you will continue to use the Internet as one way of obtaining the information, comfort and support you need and deserve as you continue on your own grief journey. See, for example, an online e-mail course on grief that I wrote, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Take the time to explore some of the links I've posted under the SUICIDE LOSS category on the Links to Bereavement and Loss Sites page on my Grief Healing Web site. See some of the articles and books I've written and others I've listed on my Articles and Books page. There is an abundance of help out there just waiting for you to find it – and if you haven't yet obtained all the help you need, keep on looking! You might ask your primary care physician for a referral to someone who specializes in grief therapy or bereavement counseling – or try calling your local hospice or funeral home and asking for a referral. Grief is something that we get through and learn to live with, my friend, not something we ever get over. Death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship. The bond you have with your friend will remain with you as long as you choose to keep his memory alive in your heart. Always remember that your friend's entire life was much more than those few final moments when he chose to take his own life. I promise that the day will come when the good memories you have of him will outweigh the bad. As anyone walking this path will tell you, the way you come to peace about all of this is one day at a time, and if that's too much, you work at it one hour or even one minute at a time. I hope this information proves helpful to you, and when you're ready to do so, I hope you'll let us know how you're doing. Meanwhile, please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Marga, There isn’t a person here who cannot relate to what you are feeling. Grief is different for each of us, because each of us is a unique individual with our own distinct personality, gender, background, set of life experiences and resources, and each of us had our own unique relationship with the loved one who has died – but certain elements of grief are common to us all: feelings of fear, anxiety, sorrow, uncertainty, and being overwhelmed, for example, just as you describe. You say you’ve read the titles of the threads at our site, but I want to encourage you to go further than that. I can assure you that here you have found a warm and loving place of comfort, caring and support – but the best way for you to find that out is to take the risk of entering the various forums and reading the touching messages that are written here. If you take this risk, you will discover that you are not alone. In the Loss of a Parent Forum you will meet others who understand and appreciate the agony of losing a parent to death, and who are searching for the same consolation and understanding that you yourself are seeking. It takes great courage to push past your fear and reach out to others for help, and you are not alone in your fear. To see but one example of this, go back to this site’s main page, scroll down the list of forums, and click on Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other. Then click on the topic entitled Double Shot and read the messages posted in that thread. I am so very sorry to learn that the death of your mother was what brought you to us, Marga, but I think if you decide to "come in" and stay with us for a while, you will find this to be a very loving, supportive place, and I do hope you will feel welcome here. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, It took great strength, determination and courage for you to “give in” and acknowledge your need for help in dealing with both these losses, and I want to honor you for that. Sometimes we have a misguided notion of courage; we label as brave the soldier who is the first to march into battle, and we think of courage as the capacity to be strong and silent when we’re in pain, or as the ability to handle sorrow and woundedness all by ourselves without ever seeking outside help or intervention. But real courage is the willingness to take a risk, to face something very difficult without running away from it, to embrace our pain and learn to cope with it. You said it so well: Sometimes we just have to speak the truth in order to begin dealing with it. As you are discovering now, my friend, the truth will set you free. Thank you for posting your message of courage in this forum, which inspires all of us. We are honored by your presence. Wishing you peace and healing,

Oh my dear Shannon, you are so NOT alone in what you are experiencing at this point in your grief journey. As an example, try going back to our main page that lists all the forums here. Click on the Loss of a Parent forum, then scroll down the list of Topic Titles until you come to the topic entitled It's One Year Today (dated 9th August 2004, posted by sshort), and read that series of posts. I hope, too, that some of our other visitors will share with you what they've done or plan to do as they cope with the aftershocks so commonly associated with anniversary dates. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Cori, I’m so very sorry to learn of your sister’s untimely death, as well as the firestorm of difficulties you’ve encountered in the wake of this sudden and unexpected loss. You must feel like the State of Florida itself, battered by one devastating hurricane after another. Your posting reminded me of a wonderful piece by Marta Felber entitled Help! I'm Being Bombarded! which I want to share with you and all our other visitors. (One of the most maddening things about real life and grief, I think, is that life keeps happening all around us, regardless of the fact that we are grieving. Couldn't it just stop for a little while, so we could catch our breath?!) HELP! I'M BEING BOMBARDED! Disasters Hit All at Once The gas serviceman found a leak and said, “You’ll have to dig up the line from the tank to the house.” . . . My lawyer called and asked for two more documents, and I could not find either one . . . The painter was coming to stain the deck the next day and the loose boards had not been repaired . . . When I discovered the ceiling tile coming down in the kitchen, indicating a leak above, I heard myself screaming, “I can’t take it! It’s too much! I give up!” I sobbed and sobbed. When Disasters Strike I Can Cry until I feel the tension go. Find a physical outlet: pound a pillow, slam the bathtub with a towel, or go for a brisk walk. Call a good friend and unload. Back up and handle (or choose not to handle) each thing in turn. Make a list of what needs to be done. This puts me back in control. Contact a logical person for each problem for advice and / or action. Get away, even if it is only for a few hours. Keep on top of each thing that happens as soon as possible. Put the local and world disasters next to mine, providing perspective. Summary Statement: I can stockpile strength during the periods of calm. I will also use those times to do my “To Do” lists . . . Bad times will come again. But when they do, I will share/release my frustrations and get specific help as soon as possible. These feelings of powerlessness will not last forever. — Marta Felber, Grief Expressed When a Mate Dies, 1997, p. 34. LifeWords Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Toni, My heart broke into pieces as I read your message that captures so well the agony of losing a child to death: not only the searing emotional pain but also the actual feel-it-in-your gut-and-in-your-heart physical pain of missing your precious Donald so much. You said it all: The day your Donald died, a part of you died too, and now, nearly one year later, you’re still searching for a way to live this new life in which you find yourself. You did not ask for this, you did not plan for it to be this way, and it all seems so grossly unjust and unfair. As you approach both the one-year anniversary of your son’s death-date on October 3 and his birthday on October 4, I would expect that many of the feelings and reactions you thought were behind you will come crashing in upon you once again, and it may feel as if you’re right back where you started on this difficult path of grief. Please don’t conclude, however, that you haven’t made any forward progress. The progress you have made is real. You’ve survived what is probably the most difficult year you have ever known, and that alone deserves credit and recognition. (See the article I've attached to this message, "Setbacks, Aftershocks and the Recurrence of Grief.") You say that you did not realize how many lives Donald had touched while he was with us. That tells me that, in addition to your own cherished memories of your son, you now have many stories about him that you did not have before. Remembering is an active process that can be very helpful as you work your way through this grief of yours. I want to invite you to put in writing some of those things you learned about your beloved son that you hadn’t known before. Perhaps you can even use this space to share with the rest of us some of those wonderful stories you were told about Donald. Ted Menten said it well: If we are loved and remembered, then we live on forever in the hearts of those who love us. And in the beautiful words of Hugh Robert Orr: They are not dead who live in lives they leave behind. In those whom they have blessed, they live a life again, and shall live through the years eternal life, and shall grow each day more beautiful, as time declares their good, forgets the rest, and proves their immortality. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T Setbacks.Aftershock.Recurrence.Tousley.doc

To all who've posted here about Kacki's dog Rusty: Dear Ones, In an effort to fix another problem, I have accidentally and unintentionally deleted all the posts previously posted under the topic labeled Rusty! To all the kind-hearted folks who've been so active here, I hope you will accept my deepest apologies! I'm also asking that you do whatever you can to help me reconstruct this topic, which has been so active. The member whose original post started this topic this past June is registered as "Kacki." If you wish to communicate with "Kacki" directly about the status of her dog Rusty, you can do so by clicking on the "Members" link at the top of the home page; that will take you to an alphabetical list of all our members. At the top of the list you'll see the pages indicated as (54) [1] 2 3 . . . Last >> These are the page numbers. Go to page 24 and you'll find "Kacki" listed there. Go across the page and you'll see a button labeled "Email". Click on that button to send an email message directly to Kacki. As I said in an earlier posting (which I just deleted!), you can also send an e-mail or a private message to anyone who posts here, simply by clicking on either the blue "PM" (for "private message") or the "E-mail" buttons at the end of the person's post. A form will appear that enables you to send a message directly to the person's e-mail address. Just be aware that, if you use this feature, the recipient will be able to view your return e-mail address -- so use it only if it is okay with you to be sharing your address with that person.

Dear Christy, Although each of us experiences grief differently and the journey is unique for every one of us, there isn’t a person in this forum who doesn’t feel as strongly as you do about the loss of our beloved animal companions. Certainly you are not alone in the intensity of your reaction to losing your cherished Aleutia, as I’m sure you can see as you read some of the other messages posted here. When we are grieving, it is not unusual to have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless – and thoughts of suicide are not unusual, either. It is difficult to go on with life without our loved one, and it is only natural to feel a compelling need to join or to be with the one who has died. But there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately we want the pain of loss to end. You’re also not alone in "grieving so hard as to make myself sick." Grief affects us in every aspect of our being: physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual. As I indicated to you in the message I sent to you two weeks ago, however, I am concerned that now, 16 months after Aleutia’s death, it doesn’t feel to you as if you’re making much forward progress in your own grief journey. Sometimes survivors fear that when we accept the loss of our loved ones, it means we have stopped loving them. Many people who are unable to let themselves feel the full impact of their loss find themselves stuck in wishing for the past and the return of a loved one. Consequently, there can be no forward movement and no acceptance of the loss. Sometimes we who are bereaved torture ourselves believing that we need to "let go" of our loved ones who have died and say goodbye to them forever more – but when we love them that much, why in the world would we ever want to let go of them? You already know that "getting over" the death of someone so significant and so important in your life is impossible. We never "get over" such losses; instead, over time, as much as we don't want to do it, we find ways to live with our grief and live in a world without the physical presence of our loved ones in it. I hope you know that the very special bond you have with Aleutia will remain with you always. She will be with you just as long as you strive to keep her memory alive in your heart and in your mind. As you work your way through this grief journey of yours, keep in mind that it is the pain and resentment of losing Aleutia that you will one day manage to "let go" of – but you need never "let go" of your relationship with her. May I gently suggest that you focus instead on letting go of your pain? Think of what Aleutia would want for you as you live the rest of your life, Christy. Surely she would want you to miss her very much, as you do – but do you really believe she would want to see you suffering and miserable forever more? Perhaps instead she would want you to go on to live a good life as a way of honoring her memory. And even though you cannot be wherever Aleutia is now, in a very real sense she is very much here with you, wherever you are, because her spirit and her memory live on in you, and because she is so very much a part of you. In many ways, you are more inseparable now than you were before she died, because your relationship with her is not limited by space and time and distance. I see that you are visiting and posting in this forum regularly, Christy, and I hope that you’re finding it helpful as a place to put your feelings. I hope, too, that you are following some of the suggestions I offered to you a while ago. In any event, I want to assure you once again that you are being heard and you are not alone. Whether we're responding to you individually or simply reading all the messages you've posted, there are many animal lovers here who care about you, and all of us are wrapping you in warm hugs tonight. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear friend, It looks to me as if your registration as a member of the Grief and Loss Discussion Groups has been achieved successfully -- your message is posted under the User Name of MistyBlue2004. If you have a concern that I'm not addressing, please let me know. Most sincerely, Marty T

Dear Jeanette, I’m posting in its entirety a message I received from Joyce Boaz, Director of Gift from Within, an international nonprofit organization dedicated to those who suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), those at risk for PTSD, and those who care for traumatized individuals. I went to the site and watched a clip of the video she describes, and thought of you immediately. If your browser enables you to do so, I hope you will go to the site and watch it, too. Even if you cannot watch the clip, I think the content of Joyce's message is very, very informative, and I wanted to share it with you and with any other visitors who may be reading this message. (You are under absolutely no obligation to purchase the video, and this is not intended as a "plug.") Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T ___________________________ August 23, 2004 Dear Marty: I hope this email finds you well. The site looks wonderful. I thought you might like to know about our newest program. Best wishes, Joyce, Dir. Gift From Within. Living with PTSD: Lessons for Partners, Friends and Supporters This program is valuable for those who care about the PTSD sufferer in their life. It explains what PTSD is, why it is important to learn about this medical disorder, what you can do to help, ways to treat it, how to deal with the caregiver burden and how PTSD affects the family and other relationships. Survivors of trauma often have difficulty believing that they will ever recover. This film provides a realistic message of hope and teaches family members and community how they can assist in the recovery process. The program features Dr. Frank Ochberg and Dr. Angelea Panos. Both are close advisors to Gift From Within. Frank Ochberg is a psychiatrist and the former Associate Director of the National Institute of Mental Health and a member of the team that wrote the medical definition for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He was the editor of America's first PSTD treatment text and is a recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award from the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies. Dr. Angelea Panos holds a Ph.D in Clinical Psychology. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a licensed clinical social worker. She has more than twenty years experience in traumatic stress treatment, dealing with war refugees, domestic violence, victims of rape, and child abuse. Running Time: l8 minutes. Closed Captioned $30.00 Available in VHS, DVD Endorsement "Living With PTSD" is an important contribution to the treatment armamentarium necessary to combat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. As usual, Gift From Within has accomplished their mission by producing a short, concise, down to earth, pragmatic video that answers the question of how can friends and lovers of folks with PSTD help their significant others cope with this devastating illness. I strongly encourage friends and lovers of folks with PTSD to take less than 30 minutes out of their busy schedules to watch this video so they can learn directionally correct tips of how to encourage the healing process necessary to recover fromtraumatic stress. Carl C. Bell, M.D. President/C.E.O. Community Mental Health Council 8704 S. Constance Chicago, IL 60617 www.thecouncil-online.org Professor of Psychiatry and Public Health, University of Illinois at Chicago Endorsement: In GFW's newest video, Living with PTSD: Lessons for Partners, Friends and Supporters, the goals are clearly stated in the beginning: to help the support system of PTSD survivors to understand the symptoms and gain insight about how to help. I love how the video clearly depicts that PTSD is not the survivor's fault, describes exactly what it is, what the support person can expect and how much the survivor suffers and wants to get well. The video is geared towards "pure PTSD" but Dr. Ochberg does mention that sometimes PTSD is combined with other factors, which can mean it may take longer for the survivor to heal. By mentioning the importance of therapy for the survivor, it takes the pressure off the survivor to convince the support person of the need for this healing tool. I found this invaluable because many people are suspicious of therapy and doubt its legitimacy. Specific examples are given, such as the importance of listening, what do to when flashbacks occur, speaking with the survivor ahead of time to ascertain the survivor's wishes about the type of help desired, and what symptoms to watch for. This is important as it helps the support person understand the cause of the symptoms and to not take it personally if the survivor withdraws or lashes out. This video is important to those in our lives who we hope will be supportive on our healing journey. PB Member of GFW Gift From Within- PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers l6 Cobb Hill Road Camden, ME 04843 USA 207 236-8858 ph 207 236-2818 fax http://www.giftfromwithin.org-PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers http://www.ptsdinfo.org-Gateway to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Information http://www.vdbs.org-Violent Death Bereavement Society ______________________________

Dear Jeanette, I truly do believe that the PTSD needs to be addressed before you can even begin to focus on your grief issues, and I hope you will contact one or more of these resources as soon as possible: RAINN Hotline - 1-800-656-HOPE The Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network will automatically transfer you to the rape crisis center nearest you, anywhere in the nation. Since you live in the Phoenix, AZ area, you also have available to you any of the following: CENTER AGAINST SEXUAL ABUSE CASA 2333 N. Central Ave. Ste. 100. Phoenix, AZ 85004-1324. Email: casa@azcasa.org, Telephone: 602-254-9000 ARIZONA SEXUAL ASSAULT NETWORK 2333 N Central Avenue Phoenix, AZ 85004-0132, Telephone 602-258-1195 or 602-258-7390 EMPACT CRISIS INTERVENTION TEMPE 1232 E Broadway Road Tempe, AZ 85282-0151, 480-784-1500

Dear Jeanette, Forgive me, but I don’t think being called names and having fancy psychiatric labels pinned upon you is helpful, and certainly not what I would expect from a qualified mental health professional! If that's the sort of "help" you're finding, you need to look elsewhere. Obviously you have been under a great deal of stress for quite some time. The fact that you were raped four months ago and “it didn’t even bother me until I stopped [working around the clock]” tells me that, in addition to whatever unresolved grief issues surround your mother’s death and your dad’s subsequent rejection, you’re probably experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You say you have nowhere to turn, Jeanette, but you managed to find your way here. Good for you! There is a great deal of help “out there,” just waiting for you to find it, and I hope you will get going and start looking. Since you have access to the Internet and time to devote to taking care of yourself right now, why not begin by doing some good, sound research? Go to the Site Map page of my Grief Healing Web site and click on the category labeled TRAUMATIC LOSS. See especially the sites listed there having to do with PTSD. You say you’re not sure you care what happens anymore. If that means you’re thinking of suicide, please, please READ THIS FIRST!. I don’t know if you’re “mentally ill” or whether you need medication, Jeanette, and no one here can answer that question for you. That requires a thorough examination and careful assessment by a qualified mental health professional. I urge you to look in your telephone directory or contact your primary care physician, or call your local mental health association for a referral. You are NOT alone. There is ample help available – and my prayer for you is that you will not rest until you find the help you need. You are worth it, and you deserve it. Please stay in touch with us. We are here, and we care very deeply about what happens to you. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, I’m so very sorry for your loss; obviously you shared a very special bond with Rulin, and I can only imagine how terribly painful this must be for you. You’ve had other animals in your life, but it’s apparent that this one was different from the rest – this one was for you what some animal lovers I know would call your heart cat or your forever cat. My prayer for you is that one day you’ll come to know that you can never really be separated from a forever cat, because the love you feel for her has not died; the connection you have with her will last as long as you keep her memory alive in your mind and in your heart. You say that Rulin was the smallest of your cats and sometimes had problems with her nose; later a slight heart murmur and a narrowing of her trachea were discovered. Such signs suggest that Rulin may have had some congenital defects that couldn’t have been discovered until she developed symptoms. Of course there is nothing I can say to erase the load of guilt that you've been carrying around with you for the last few days. The only one who can forgive you is you, as I'm sure you already know. I certainly can tell you that guilt is one of the most common reactions in loss – guilt for what we may have done and guilt for what we may have failed to do. It sounds to me as if you did everything you possibly could for Rulin. Nevertheless, it's only human to want to go back and re-write the ending of this horrible tragedy. Certainly it was never your intention to do anything that would harm your beloved cat, and I feel certain that no one knew that better than Rulin did. You say that you caused her suffering at the end by following your vet’s instructions and forcing nourishment and treatments upon her – but please keep in mind that your intentions were not evil – they were pure, and they came from a place of love, not hatred. You were desperately trying to save her, not to torture her! Would you judge another animal lover in a similar situation as harshly as you are judging yourself? You say you used to meditate sometimes with Rulin in your arms. You might think about finding some way to communicate with Rulin’s spirit and asking for her understanding and forgiveness. That may be by meditating, by writing her a letter and saying all you need to say to her, by finding a quiet place and lighting a candle and speaking to her in your mind – whatever way you choose is up to you. It just helps to find a way to externalize and express all those mixed feelings, so you can release them and move forward in your grief process. You might also make the effort to find a pet loss support group where you can talk with others in a group whose experiences may be similar to your own. (Call your local library, veterinarian, pet groomer, animal rescue organization or humane society and ask what pet loss resources are available in your community.) Sometimes sharing our story in this way enables us to unburden ourselves and to obtain the absolution we may need from others. None of us is perfect; we are all human, we've all made mistakes and we've all done things about which we feel guilty. The point of all of this is to find some way to forgive yourself, to apologize and make amends to the one you believe you have harmed, to learn whatever lessons are to be learned from this and to move on. That's the only way you will begin to heal from this loss. Also, give yourself some time! It's only been three days!! Grief is not a single event; it is a process, and it doesn't take place overnight! Right now you may not have the patience and ability to concentrate long enough to read an entire book on pet loss, but if you haven't already done so, I hope you'll pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site. There you may find the information, comfort and support you need at this difficult time. Learning what is normal in response to losing a beloved pet can be very helpful, because you will discover that you are not "crazy" or eccentric for feeling the way you do, you'll learn what to expect in the weeks and months ahead, and you'll discover useful, specific ways that you can manage your own reactions. I'd especially recommend that you read the (brief!) article posted on my Articles and Books page entitled Loss and the Burden of Guilt, as I think it addresses a lot of what you are experiencing now. I hope you’ll continue to participate in our Pet Loss Forum, even if it’s only to read some of the other poignant and heartfelt messages posted here by fellow animal lovers. Here you will discover that you are not alone in what you are feeling, and you will avail yourself of some very caring support and inspiration from others. See also my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page and my Pet Loss Links page, which will take you to many other wonderful sources of support. You might also be interested in the online e-mail course I wrote, which offers help for pet loss in short, easy to digest messages delivered every other week via e-mail. See A Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss for further information. I hope this information helps, my dear. No one can take away the guilt you are experiencing now, but I can assure you that you do not have to bear it all alone. Please know that we are thinking of you, and when you feel ready to do so, I hope you will let all of us know how you are doing. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Hi Hannah, I too would like to know what our other visitors have to say about this, and I hope they will respond to your request. I thought you might also be interested in an article I just wrote for the August 2004 Holistic Expressions Newsletter, entitled Helping Friends in Grief. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Richard, There is probably no better description of the conflicting feelings associated with grief than what you have written here. I hope it helps to know that what you are feeling is absolutely normal, even though you may feel at times that you are crazy or losing your mind. Normal grief engenders a confusing combination of feelings, sometimes completely opposite ones, all at the same time. Sometimes feelings are completely irrational, and they can lead to other feelings you may not want to acknowledge and deal with, such as guilt and anger. As you struggle to make some sense of all of this, I think it’s important to keep in mind that such feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad -- they just are, and it's helpful to acknowledge them, and then find ways to express them so they can dissipate. You chastise yourself for being “so caught up” in your own grief – yet it seems to me that you couldn’t possibly be anywhere else right now. Grief is a process that takes place over a very long period of time, not something that can be achieved in a few days or weeks. And you’ve barely had sufficient time to recover from the exhaustion of caregiving, much less the stress of grief! I hope you’re taking as good care of yourself right now as you took good care of your beloved: getting enough sleep, nutrition and exercise. I hope you're using this time to learn as much as you can about normal grief and how to manage it: reading articles and books about coping with loss; exploring Internet resources that offer information, comfort and support (such as you will find on my Grief Healing Web site); coming back to this grief forum whenever you have something to say and you need someone to listen without judging you or pressuring you to hurry up and feel better. I’m especially struck by your comment that, although for seven months you knew your loved one’s illness was terminal and her death was coming, you were still unprepared for your reaction when she actually died. This is not at all unusual. Those in the caregiving role often think that they have already accomplished the work of grieving – that when death does come, it will be a continuation of the familiar feelings they’ve been having all along. After all, grief and loss are experienced throughout the course of a life-ending illness, both by the person who is dying and by the one in the caregiving role. I would imagine that you and Margaret began to grieve the moment you first learned that her illness was terminal. What caught you off-guard is your discovery that the work of caregiving may have ended for you when Margaret’s death happened, but your work is not over. Your journey through grief still continues. As you’ve already discovered, death brings a grief all its own, and now your mourning has begun anew. Please know that you are not alone in your grief journey, Richard. We are here for you, you have our deepest sympathy, and our caring thoughts are with you. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Friend, It seems to me that in the last sentence of your post you’ve answered your own question: the truth is, you must do whatever is best for you right now. There simply is no right or wrong way to do the work of grieving, and there is no timetable for it. Your post reminded me of the following piece that I’d like to share with you (and all our other visitors): I Hereby Resolve: •That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving and that I will not let others put a time-table on my grief. •That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving. •That I will cry whenever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be “brave” or “getting better” or “healing” by now. •That I will talk about my loved one as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can’t deal with their own feelings. •That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary. •That I will try to eat, sleep and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief. •To know that I am not losing my mind and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are normal parts of the grief process. •To know that I will heal, even though it takes a long time. •To let myself heal and not feel guilty about feeling better. •To remind myself that the grief process is circuitous – that is, I will not make steady upward progress. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that “slipping backward” is also a normal part of the grief process and these moods, too, will pass. •To try to be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts so eventually they can become a habit. •That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression. •That even though my loved one is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is what my loved one would want me to do. – by Nancy A. Mower, in Bereaved Parents Share, January 1998, PO Box 460, Colton OR 97017 Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Gina, I'm so very sorry to learn of the cumulative losses you've suffered these last few months, beginning with the death of your unborn child in June and culminating in the loss of your cherished companion Alex last Tuesday. Since this kitty was the one who stuck by you for 19 years and saw you through so many of life’s trials and tribulations, I can only imagine how devastating it must be for you to lose her, especially when you haven’t fully recovered from everything else that’s happened to you this summer. It strikes me that both the death of your unborn child and the death of your beloved kitty are losses that typically could be trivialized by others as insignificant ones, which can leave you feeling very hurt, angry, isolated and alone. Your heartache may be misunderstood by others, which may give you the impression that it is inappropriate and even abnormal to be mourning either one of these deaths, much less both of them, as deeply as you are. It’s important to understand that the death of any baby is worthy of tears and grief, even a baby who has yet to be born. Your attachment to your baby began the moment you learned you were pregnant, and when your pregnancy ended, so suddenly and unexpectedly, you lost much more than your baby. You lost all the hopes and dreams you may have had for your little one as well, including the opportunity to hold, to love and to mother your child, and to watch your little one grow up. As for the death of your dear cat Alex, once again you lost much more than a pet. You lost the one who was always there for you, supporting you through every crisis you’ve endured. Is it any wonder that you feel so bereft? Discovering that your reactions are healthy and normal can be very healing, Gina. You might begin by exploring some of the many caring sites on the Internet specifically devoted to the trauma of miscarriage as well as the agony of pet loss. Go to the Links to Bereavement and Loss Sites page on my Grief Healing Web site and click on the category labeled DEATH OF AN INFANT / CHILD / GRANDCHILD, and you will find links to several excellent sites. See especially Perinatal Death: The Invisible Loss. See also my Pet Loss Links page for links to dozens of pet loss resources. See especially my article, Coping with Pet Loss: "Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad About This?" I hope you’ll find someone you can talk to about both these losses, Gina -- to confront your pain and find some way to express it, so that all your feelings can be experienced, worked through and released. There is plenty of help available to you if you're willing to reach out and ask for it. You need not continue to suffer all of this in silence and alone. None of us can take away your pain, but we certainly can offer you companionship and support along the way. You do not have to bear these burdens all alone. At the very least, please know that we are thinking of you. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T