MartyT

My dear friend, Your story is a wonderful example of the power of forgiveness and love, and I want to thank you for reaching through your pain to share it with the rest of us. In her insightful article, The Gift of Forgiveness, bereaved parent and psychotherapist Kay Talbot writes: Today, in my work with grieving people. I often find that forgiveness is misunderstood. What does forgiveness mean? Let's look first at what it doesn't mean. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or pardoning insensitive or abusive behavior or acting like everything is okay when we feel it isn't. It does not mean forgetting what has happened or naively trusting others who have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. [in Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart, Bantam Books, 1992] Robin Casarjian helps to clarify this: "What we are forgiving is not the act, not the abuse or the insensitivity. What we are forgiving is the people, the people who could not manage to honor and cherish themselves, us, their families, their spouses, their children or others. What we are forgiving is their confusion and ignorance and desperation and whatever it happens to be. It's not about what you do. It's about how you perceive the person and the situation. So you can forgive somebody and set boundaries and still take action. You can forgive somebody and litigate against them." Forgiveness is a conscious decision to stop hating both ourselves and others. It is an act of self-interest - something we do for ourselves to find greater freedom and peace. Even when we have suffered outrageous trauma, we can work through our appropriate anger and choose forgiveness as a powerful way to cast off the role of victim . . . When we choose forgiveness, we consciously recognize that we cannot change others, but we can change ourselves - gradually, over time, and with much difficult, emotional work . . . Forgiving becomes a process we embrace over and over. Memorials and rituals are tools we use to continue the process. Forgiveness is not a one-time event that absolves us of all future feelings of anger or guilt. Actually, guilt, like anger, can be a useful emotion. Appropriate guilt stirs up our consciences and makes us realize we need to ask for forgiveness. But inappropriate guilt keeps us from feeling forgiven and from creating a healthy future. In my evolving grief process, I have learned to identify, express and release anger and inappropriate guilt, to forgive, to seek and receive forgiveness. The person I am becoming in this process is a gift from my daughter. Not one I would have chosen, but one I choose to cherish nevertheless. My hope is that all who grieve will find such gifts within the legacy of their own lives. – Kay Talbot, "The Gift of Forgiveness," Bereavement Magazine, March / April 1999 Wishing you peace and continued healing, Marty T

While I would not consider your granddaughter’s behavior toward the Post Office clerk as abnormal, especially this soon after she lost her mother, her comment does appear to be a plea for attention on her part. I think you would be wise to look past her behavior at what she might be thinking and feeling at this point in her grieving process. As I’m sure you know, children grieve just as deeply as adults, but they express it differently. Because their attention span is shorter, for example, they tend to move in and out of grief, and the symptoms of grief may come and go, varying in intensity. Their response is based on the knowledge and skills available to them at the time of their loss. Having had less experience with crisis and its consequences, your granddaughter’s repertoire of coping skills is simpler, and her capacity to confront the reality of her mother’s death is more limited and immature. Your granddaughter may indeed be feeling a need for extra attention at what must be a sad and difficult time for everyone in your family. It may help to give her the extra time and attention she needs before she actively seeks it or demands it, so she’ll have less of a need to express it in inappropriate ways or at inappropriate times. Grieving children need their parents’ time and attention whenever their feelings of grief come up, and should be encouraged to talk about them. Because your granddaughter has only one parent now, who undoubtedly is consumed with his own grief at the loss of his wife, I would imagine that her opportunities to have her daddy’s undivided attention are limited. As this child’s grandmother, you can play a very important role in being there for her, in helping her to share her thoughts and talk about her feelings. You can also model reminiscing and talking openly about how much you miss her mother. Feeling, showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your granddaughter an example to follow, while holding back implies that feelings are to be suppressed. Reading together some of the wonderful books written just for children can be an especially effective way to get a child to open up and talk about her grief. See the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site for suggestions; scroll down the page until you come to the section labeled Books for Children and Those Who Love Them. Most of these titles can be found in the children’s section of the public library, or can be found or ordered from local or online bookstores. I also want to refer you to an insightful article by a bereaved mother that appeared in the July / August 1998 issue of Bereavement Magazine, entitled "Can You Discipline A Grieving Child?" Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Susan, I'm including here one of the lessons from the online, e-mail course on grief that I wrote for Self Healing Expressions, in hopes that it will help you and your sister. Source: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey Lesson # 10: Guilt (Copyright 20002-2004, by Marty Tousley; all rights reserved) Mindset Instructions: As you begin today’s lesson, take a few moments to ponder the following quotation: It is only too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything. — Morton Irving Seiden In our last lesson, you discovered that anger is one of the most common reactions in grief. Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty for what you did or didn’t do, said or failed to say when your loved one was alive, even if there is no basis for it? Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a whole mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment. When your loved one’s terminal illness was finally diagnosed, you may feel guilty that you hadn’t noticed symptoms sooner, waited too long to seek treatment or didn’t do enough to comfort him or her. If death came suddenly or unexpectedly, you may feel guilty for not being present when it happened. If it came after a long, lingering illness, you may feel guilty for feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering is over and you’re now free from the burden of worry and care. You may feel guilty that you are the one who survived, or uncomfortable that you received an insurance settlement or inheritance following the death of your loved one. If you’re a religious person, you may feel guilty that you feel so angry at God. Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. You agonize and tell yourself, “If only I’d done something differently, this never would’ve happened.” Sometimes, though, there simply isn’t anything you could’ve done differently. When your loved one’s illness or death occurred, chances are that whatever happened beforehand was not intentional on your part. Given the stress you were under then and how exhausted you may have been, you were doing the best you could. Given the information available to you at the time, you were doing what you normally would have done. Harsh as it may seem, consider that even if you had done things differently, your loved one still could have died in some other way at some other time! Sometimes we act as if we can control the random hazards of existence, even when we know that death is a fact of life. Guilt is driven by our own personal beliefs and expectations, and dealing with it requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. What did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well. What if, after careful examination of the facts, you find that your expectations of yourself are legitimate and you still did not live up to them? Then it’s important to face and take responsibility for what you believe you could’ve done differently. Healthy guilt allows us to own up to and learn from our mistakes. It gives us a chance to make amends, to do things differently next time, to come to a better understanding of ourselves, to forgive ourselves and move on. In the days ahead, take some time for one or more of the following exercises: -Identify what it is that you feel guilty about. Resist the urge to keep such thoughts and feelings to yourself like so many deep, dark secrets. Bring them out into the open where they can be examined. Share them with a trusted friend or counselor, who can view your thoughts and feelings more objectively, and challenge what may be irrational or illogical. - Listen to the messages you give yourself (the “should have’s, could have’s and if only’s”), and realize the past is something you can do absolutely nothing about. When guilty thoughts come to mind, disrupt them by telling yourself to stop thinking such thoughts. Say “STOP!” firmly, and out loud if you need to. - Live the next day or next week of your life as if you were guilt-free, knowing you can return to your guilt feelings any time you wish. Pick a start time, and stop yourself whenever you make any guilt-related statements. - Write down your guilt-related statements, set a date, and pledge that from that day forward you won’t say them to yourself anymore. Post them and read them every day. - If you are troubled by feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering has ended, know that a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders; you have been released from an emotionally exhausting and physically draining experience, and to feel relieved is certainly understandable. - If you believe in God or a higher power, consider what He or She has to say about forgiveness. - Participate in a support group — it’s a powerful way to obtain forgiveness and absolution from others. - Be your own best friend. What would you have said to your best friend if this had happened to that person? Can you say the same to yourself? - Remember the good things you did in your relationship with your loved one and all the loving care you gave. Focus on the positive aspects: what you learned from each other, what you did together that brought you joy, laughter and excitement. Write those things down, hold onto them and read them whenever you need to. - Ask what you expected of yourself that you didn’t live up to. How is it that you didn’t? What were the circumstances at the time? What have you learned from this that you’ll do differently next time? What can you do to make amends? Find a way to genuinely apologize to your loved one’s spirit and ask for forgiveness. - Have a visit with your loved one. Say aloud or in your mind whatever you didn’t get to say while your loved one was still living. Be as honest as you can be. - Have your loved one write a letter to you. What would this person say to you about the guilt and sadness you’ve been carrying around? - Ask what it would take for you to forgive yourself. Can you begin doing it? Say out loud to yourself, “I forgive you.” Say it several times a day. - When you’ve consciously learned all you can learn from this situation, and when you’ve made any amends you consider necessary, then it’s time to let go of your guilt, to forgive yourself, and to move on. - Channel the energy of your guilt into a worthwhile project. Do good deeds in your loved one’s honor. Remember that no one else can absolve your feelings of guilt— only you can do so, through the process of intentionally forgiving yourself.

My dear LaNiNi, Once again I’m saddened to learn that yet another griever is being admonished for not doing her grief properly, according to someone else’s arbitrary standard or artificial timetable. There is no timetable for grief. Losing your mother is not something you will ever “get over,” whether it’s been three years or 63 years since she died! This loss is something you learn to live with, to endure, to get through rather than over, as you incorporate it into every aspect of your being. As you’ve already discovered, while the intense pain of the freshest grief diminishes gradually over a very long period of time, you are never really finished with loss when someone significant leaves you. This loss of your mother will resurface during key developmental periods for the rest of your life. You will have to face it again and again, not as the person you are today, but as the person you will have grown to be in two or five or 20 years from now. Each time you will face it on new terms, but it won’t take as long and it won’t be as difficult. That said, I am wondering what if any help you’ve received in the last three years, not only with losing your mother, but also for the trauma you experienced as a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I don’t know where you are with that, but my hope is that you’ve been able to get the help you need and deserve. Such trauma can complicate and even delay the grief work you need to do, which is why the issue of sexual abuse should be addressed first. There is a great deal of help available for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse; here are just a few resources that I hope you already know about: VOICES in Action (Victims of Incest Can Emerge Survivors) ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) Abuse Survivor Support You say that your mother died without giving you a chance to say all the things you wish you could have said. You also say that you lost yourself the day your mother died, and you’re “still trying to find it.” I’ve written elsewhere that grief produces all kinds of conflicting feelings, most commonly those of anger and guilt -- which over time can become quite distorted, unless we share them with someone else (a trusted friend, a relative, a clergy person, fellow grievers in a support group, a grief counselor). Feelings exposed to the light of day can be acknowledged, examined, evaluated, worked through and resolved. Feelings that are stuffed just sit there and fester, making us feel miserable, crazy, sick and alone. You may have heard that "time will heal all wounds" but I'm sure you've learned by now that the passage of time doesn't do anything to heal your grief – time is neutral. It's what you do with the time that matters. Grieving successfully requires the hard work of confronting, expressing and working through the pain of your loss. The good news is that it is never too late to do the work of grieving. That's because unresolved grief doesn't go anywhere – it just lies there waiting for us to deal with it – and when the pain of grief keeps coming up for us despite our efforts to ignore it, we are wise to pay it the attention it demands. So I strongly encourage you to find someone to talk to, my dear one – someone who respects the relationship you had with your mom and who knows something about the normal grieving process. If you haven’t yet dealt with the trauma of child sexual abuse, I urge you to begin with that. You have a heavy, heavy load on your young shoulders, and my prayer for you is that you will not give up on your efforts to find and nurture and take good care of that lost part of yourself. Please know that you are in the thoughts and hearts of all of us. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Susan, Since you have just passed the first anniversary of your dear dad’s death, the fresh pain of grief may have re-surfaced for you. Please know that this too will pass. You have survived one of the most challenging years of your life. As you well know, it has been (and will continue to be) a difficult journey, but you have come a long way. As the intensity of your pain lessens with the passing of time, I hope that you will continue to look to your memories of your dear father to bring you comfort. You can also look forward to new opportunities and experiences, recognizing that going on with your life does not lessen in any way the love you have for your beloved dad. Always remember that death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship, and the relationship you have with your dad will remain with you as long as you keep his memory alive in your heart, until the very end of time. Please know that we’re all thinking of you, and sending our warmest regards and best wishes to you. I also want to share with you (and with others who may read this) the following article which I hope you’ll find helpful: After the First Year – Then What? “Time heals,” many people say. It may. It may help to dull your pain. But the medicine of time, taken by itself, is not sure. Time is neutral. What helps is what you do with time.” – Rabbi Earl A. Grollman The first year of bereavement brings raw pain, disbelief, the agony of reality and many other deep emotions – emotions many of us have never experienced or at least not to the same depth. The time period after the first year is usually not quite as pain-filled as all the firsts were. Although we may be a little better, often we are not nearly as healed as we would like. It helps to understand this next period and to learn some skills for coping. It is most helpful if we lower our expectations of ourselves, work on our grief and hold on to HOPE. Remember, grief is different for everyone. It is like fingerprints or snowflakes: no two are exactly alike. Everyone grieves differently, so don’t compare yourself to others or place yourself on a timetable. Some of the following suggestions / observations may help you: •Be aware of becoming critical of yourself, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations. •A different level of reality may hit you. You usually no longer deny the death, but now face the reality and its long-term implications. •If the death was unexpected, some say that the second year is even more difficult. •It may be the time to struggle with new life patterns. You may have handled grief by overactivity and excessive “busyness.” If a previous style of grieving has not been helpful, it’s time to try new approaches, such as becoming more active in a support group; finding telephone friends; reading about grief; developing coping skills; becoming determined not to get stuck in grief; doing your grief work; holding onto hope. •It is vital to find a friend with whom you may talk. This is the one significant factor that prevents people from sliding into deep depression. You can find such help in a support group. •Carefully consider the normal grief reactions. One or more reactions may be giving you trouble, such as anger or guilt. If so, recognize the reaction and work on it. Don’t push it down or ignore it. •Other events in your life may also be adding to your grief (trouble with work, family members or friends). Realize this happens to many grieving people and it does complicate your grief. •You may or may not cry as often as you did at first, but when you do, realize it is therapeutic. Don’t fight the tears. As Jean G. Jones says in Time Out for Grief, “cry when you have to – laugh when you can.” •Physical symptoms may become more acute (stomach disorders, headaches, sleeplessness). Have a checkup. •Insufficient sleep plagues many bereaved. It may be helpful to give up all caffeine and alcohol. Physical exercise helps you to relax and makes you sleepy. •Check frequently that you have balance in your life – work, recreation (including exercise, hobbies, reading), adequate rest and prayer. •Don’t be alarmed if depression reenters your life or appears for the first time. Depression is normal and its recurrence is also normal. •Your grief may seem “out of control.” You may feel as if you are “going crazy.” This is common to bereaved people. It is important to realize that grief work takes time – Much more time than you think it should. Be patient with yourself. •Be aware of a lowered self-esteem. You might think to yourself, “I don’t like the person I’ve become.” Often it is the unrealistic expectations you may have of yourself to be handling your grief better – no doubt you are doing better than you’re giving yourself credit for. •You often hear, “Time will heal.” Yes, time does soften the hurt a bit, but mainly it is what you do with time: read, talk, struggle with your reactions, get help when you become stuck in a certain place, be gentle with yourself, lower your expectations, build a pleasant time with family and friends, pray to your loved one. •It helps to consider that your loved one is happy – free of pain and hassles – that you’ll be together again. Also, if you died, would you want your loved ones to mourn deeply the rest of their lives? You would want them to enjoy life as much as possible, and your loved one wants this for you as well. •Pride may be one of your greatest stumbling blocks. You may think that you should be doing much better – you may not want to acknowledge that you need help. •Vibes from friends may openly or subconsciously be, “Shape up – you must be over it by now. Get on with living, etc.” You not only experience the death of a loved one, but you feel abandoned by friends and even family. Find others to talk with who understand. These friends may come from those who attend your support group meetings. •Loneliness may seem to engulf you as you look ahead to a life without your loved one. Find new friends, worthwhile work (support groups always need help with phoning, mailings, research, etc.) and connect with friends from the past. Pleasant memories can help, too. •If you feel guilty, it must be acknowledged – not suppressed. Really look at the “if onlys.” Hopefully you and only you will be able to say to yourself,”I did the best I could at the time – so did my loved one.” •WHY? If the “why” is bothering you, ask it again and again until you can come to terms with it. You may never know why. It may remain a mystery that you choose to let go of. When you can, concentrate on your choice to get better. •Realize that anger may be at yourself, God, the person who died, those in the helping professions who did not seem to understand or help. Acknowledging your anger is the first step in releasing its power over you. •Don’t expect too much of your family. They, too, have their hands full of grief. •Consider even though you are struggling with grief, you would rather have had the time with your loved one than not to have had that person in your life at all. •Set realistic goals for the future – realistic is the key word. Pinpoint your most acute concerns. Think of all possible solutions. Choose one solution at a time and implement it. •So many of us have been brought up to be independent: “I’m going to handle this grief myself.” We find it difficult to ask for help. Yet we need help. Asking for help from caring people can make a big difference in your working through your grief. Force yourself to reach out for help. •Often, when we slide back into the pits, we panic. We hate the feeling. Irrationally we feel that we will remain there. It is important to realize that you’ve been in the pits before, and will be again, but you WILL GET BETTER. •Be a fighter against giving up and becoming stuck in grief, as 15% of grieving people do. A determination to work through grief may be one of the common denominators of those who recover. It is up to you. -- Author Unknown Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Steph, thank you so much for your positive and encouraging words. You sound like a very healthy and mature young lady. Since you lost your dad so suddenly and unexpectedly, and when you yourself were so young, I’m wondering if you could share with the rest of us what you think has helped you to get through this difficult and most devastating experience. How did you get to the place you are now? What have you found helpful, and not so helpful, as you’ve traveled your own grief journey? What have you learned that you can share with others, who may be newer to this experience? We are grateful for whatever wisdom you’re willing to offer. Most sincerely, Marty T

Dear Ones, Like everyone else who’s read your posts, I’m so very sorry to learn that you have lost your precious brothers, and I send each of you my heartfelt sympathy. Each of you describes so vividly the agony of losing a sibling to death, and my heart aches for both of you. I am also saddened to read how pressured you both feel at this very early point in your grief journey. You both lost your loved ones so very recently, and already you’re both feeling judged by others that you’re not “doing” your grief properly or quickly enough! You feel chastised as “failures” in your bereavement, as if, in the words of Rabbi Earl Grollman, you are “underachievers who flunked a grief course.” The fact is that when we are in the freshest throes of grief, we are deeply wounded: we are more vulnerable, more easily hurt, and more sensitive to the comments and behavior of others. In an ideal world, at times of grief we would be surrounded by those who deeply care, understand and accept the depth of our loss – but the world isn’t ideal, and we do have to deal with others, both at home and in the workplace. I want to encourage both of you to continue to seek the support of those who do understand your experience and accept your feelings. Reach out to your spouses or partners, close friends, family or acquaintances, even strangers (such as those who visit these grief forums) who are willing to listen to your stories. And don’t let anyone else judge how well you are doing with your grief. Read this piece, taken from the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: "If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in the corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting like no one has died." -- Doug Manning in The Gift of Significance: Walking People through a Loss We are doing well with our grief when we are grieving. Somehow we have it backwards. We think people are doing well when they aren't crying. Grief is a process of walking through some painful periods toward learning to cope again. We do not walk this path without pain and tears. When we are in the most pain, we are making the most progress. When the pain is less, we are coasting and resting up for the next steps. People need to grieve. Grief is not an enemy to be avoided; it is a healing path to be walked. -- from HOPE Line Newsletter, August 2002 Web site: www.hopeforbereaved.com Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, My heart goes out to you as I read of your efforts to make your last days with your beloved Haley as special as you can. I'm reminded of that beautiful line from the Simon and Garfunkel song: "Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you." The memories you are making now as you care so lovingly for your loyal friend are the ones that will sustain you in the days and weeks ahead. I have no doubt that you will find the strength and the courage you need to get through this, because your motivation stems from your love for Haley. There is no purer motivation than that. I want to refer you to some additional readings that I hope will offer you some comfort at this sad and difficult time. Please go to the PET LOSS ARTICLES page on my Grief Healing Web site. Listed there are many articles about euthanasia which you may find helpful. See also the beautiful writings on my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, especially the excerpt from Rita Reynolds' lovely book entitled Euthanasia: The Merciful Release, and Martin Scot Kosins' touching piece, The Fourth Day. Please know that all of us in the Pet Loss Forum are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Lisa, Please accept my deepest sympathy for this tragic loss of your brother. When death comes suddenly and unexpectedly like this, and to one so young, the shock of it is beyond all understanding, and I can only imagine how your entire world has been turned upside down. I am so very sorry. You say that you have thoughts of just wanting to die the way your brother did so you can be with him. Keep in mind that feelings in grief are neither right or wrong, good or bad, and they’re not always rational – feelings just are, and for your own mental health it’s important to acknowledge them and express them. So I want to commend you for acknowledging and expressing your thoughts of suicide. Most grieving people have those very same thoughts, but they are terribly afraid to acknowledge and share them for fear of being regarded as over-reacting or crazy, or for fear of scaring other people. I want you to know that thoughts of suicide are not at all unusual when a person is grieving. Right now you may have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless and pointless. It is difficult to imagine life without your brother, and your feeling a compelling need to join or be with him is understandable. Keep in mind, however, that there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and actually acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately we want the pain of loss to end. You say that because you have two daughters of your own you know that suicide is not an option, and I want to suggest to you if that alone is your reason for hanging on right now, then accept it as a very good reason, and let it be enough. You ask how you go on from here, and trite as it may seem, dear Lisa, the answer is that you do it one day at a time, and if that is too much, you do it one hour and even one minute at a time. If you learn anything at all by reading the accounts of all the other mourners who are posting in these forums, I hope you’ll learn that there is no right or wrong way to do this thing called grief. There is only your way, and you must discover that way for yourself. We can share with you all the things we’ve learned and done and tried to help ourselves along the way, but it is up to you to pick and choose what works for you and discard what does not. Just know that to do nothing, to simply let time pass as if “time heals all wounds,” is only to delay the work that needs to be done. The passage of time does nothing to heal grief – it is what we do with the time that matters. So when you are ready to do so, I encourage you to read all you can find about grief in general and sibling loss in particular, so you will know what is normal and what is to be expected on this grief journey of yours, so you’ll be better prepared for what lies ahead, and you’ll know what you can do to manage your own reactions. See especially the Site Map page on my Grief Healing Web site, and look under the Death of a Sibling / Twin category. Follow some of the links listed there and learn what is unique about this special kind of loss. I don’t know how you found your way to this Discussion Group, but I’m so pleased that you made the effort, and I hope you will return from time to time to share more of your story and let us know how you are doing. Meanwhile, please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Friend, Please know that you are not alone in this devastating loss of your beloved Bandit, because everyone in this Pet Loss Forum has walked the journey you are walking now, and we all know and understand the searing pain of loving and losing a cherished companion animal. As you read any of the other messages posted here, I think you’ll see that you are in very good and caring company. There is so much help available to you on the Internet, and I hope you’ll find the energy to explore some of the vast resources here. I don’t know where you live, but you might begin by searching Moira Anderson's state-by-state guide to support groups, counselors and pet cemeteries on her Pet Loss Support Page. See also my Grief Healing Web site, which offers all kinds of information, comfort and support to those who’ve lost a beloved pet. See especially the pages labeled Pet Loss Links, Articles and Books and Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Lisa, I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your dear mother, and I must tell you that as you approach the one-year anniversary of her death , it is not unusual that your feelings of grief seem to be reawakened. In hopes that it will help you (and others) make sense of what you are feeling, I'm including here an excerpt from one of the lessons I wrote for an online e-mail course on grief (if you're interested, you can read more about the entire course by clicking on The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey Lesson # 22: Setbacks, Aftershocks and the Recurrence of Grief No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt "Sometimes I think I'm doing okay—then something happens and I can't seem to do anything right. I don't have any self-confidence anymore." Setbacks are the unexpected but inevitable frustrations and disappointments you'll encounter in your efforts to rebuild following your loss. They include statements from family members or friends which, intentionally or not, discourage your efforts. They can be your own internal thoughts, feelings and attitudes which have inhibited and debilitated you in the past: rigidity, closed mindedness, self-doubt, bitterness, anger, disappointment, and the temptation to quit. Or they can be external roadblocks stemming from natural occurrences or from bureaucratic rules and regulations you'll encounter along the way. Accept that setbacks are a reality of life over which you have no control. Remember that, although you cannot choose what life has to offer, you can always choose how to respond. The attitudes you bring to life's circumstances are always within your control. You can choose to give up and give in, or you can choose to take charge of your life and to keep moving forward. "As I drove along a lonely stretch of road the other day, I heard our favorite song on the radio and it kept me crying for miles. I thought I was done with all this crying." Aftershocks happen when some of the "down" feelings you've already experienced in grief come at you again several months after the death, or even after a year or more. Sometimes something acts as a trigger and catches you by surprise: a song, a place, a movie or a season, and it's as if you're confronted with the death for the first time, all over again. Painful emotions crash in upon you, and it feels as if you're starting the entire grief process anew. Know that aftershocks of grief are normal, and they will pass more quickly each time you experience them. They can be controlled somewhat by controlling the reminders of your loss, either by disposing of them or deliberately seeking them out. Maintain a balance between what you hold onto and what you let go of. Keep what's special or of sentimental value and when you're ready, discard the rest. Even though some time has passed, are you still feeling frightened and confused, all this time expecting that your grief would have been resolved by now? If anything, does it sometimes feel as if your pain has intensified? Recurrence of grief is common and normal, but disturbing nonetheless. Although the strong feelings of grief are not continuous, they can return at any time, whenever you are reminded of your loss. They may be especially apparent toward the end of your first year, as you approach the anniversary date of your loved one's death. As the anniversary of your loss draws near, you may find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of your loved one's diagnosis, treatment and care, remembering your experience of facing a terminal illness together. Rest assured that what you're feeling is normal and to be expected. You are not losing ground; the progress you've made is real. Getting past this anniversary is but another significant step in finding your way through grief. At this point it is only natural to look back and reflect on what used to be before you can let go of it, move on through your grief, and embrace whatever your life is going to be in the future. "Is there anything I can do to prepare myself for this anniversary date?" Be aware that oftentimes the anticipation of an anniversary date is worse than the actual day. Identify those days, events and seasons that are likely to intensify and rekindle your pain, and build comfort and healing into them. Plan what you're going to do ahead of time, even if you plan to be alone. Don't set yourself up for a bad day. Let your friends and relatives know in advance which days and events are significant for you. Verbalize your needs and include them in your plans. They may be very willing to help, but need for you to tell them how. As this first year draws to a close, plan a memorial ritual. Draw on those familiar, comforting ceremonies and activities unique to your religion, culture, traditions, family or way of life. Use this ritual as your rite of passage through grieving to healing, to mark a shift in the way you mourn, or as an official end to this first year of mourning. If you're feeling anxious, confused or immobilized as a certain date or time approaches, get the reassurance you need by returning to your support group or speaking with your bereavement counselor. "I have so many unhappy memories; how can I ever shut them off?" Handle your memories with care. If they are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold you to the past, they can interfere with your willingness to move on. You can choose which parts of life you shared that you wish to keep and which parts you want to leave behind. Soothe your pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness you experienced with your loved one belongs to you forever. Hold onto those rich memories, and give thanks for the life of the person you've lost instead of brooding over the last days. Build "memory time" into the day, or pack an entire day with meaning. It's easier to cope with memories you've chosen than to have them take you by surprise. Immerse yourself in the healing power of remembrance. Go to a special place, read aloud, listen to a favorite song. Celebrate what once was and is no more. "I don't think about my loved one as often as I used to — does that mean I'm letting the one who died slip away? Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting your lost loved one. You will never forget, because a part of this person remains in you. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with you only those memories and experiences that enhance your ability to grow and expand your capacity for happiness. As you've already discovered, you're never really finished with loss when someone significant leaves you. This loss will resurface during key developmental periods for the rest of your life. You will have to face it again and again, not as the person you are today, but as the person you will have grown to be in two or five or twenty years from now. Each time you will face it on new terms, but it won't take as long and it won't be as difficult. I hope this information is helpful to you, Lisa. Please know that we're all thinking of you at this sad and difficult time, and know that we are here for you. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

The feelings you’re having toward your mother in the aftermath of your father’s death are understandable. When one parent dies and the remaining parent begins dating someone else, it can be very hard for the adult child to accept, no matter how soon after the death it occurs. Partly that is because you may be feeling a need to remain loyal to your father and respectful of his memory, and you may be worried that your mother will cease to remember and love this irreplaceable person you both have lost. It may be helpful for you to keep in mind that you and your mother are grieving very different losses, and the relationships you had with the person who died are very different too. Your mother has lost her spouse, while you have lost a parent. I don’t know how long your parents were married, how close they were to each other, or anything else about their relationship, but I do know that however your mother reacts to your father’s death depends on many, many different factors. In her insightful book Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads, author Clea Simon observes that daughters of the newly widowed sometimes have trouble “balancing the real vulnerability of our newly single mothers with respect for them as adults.” She goes on to say that Accepting and encouraging our mothers’ independence can be awkward for us . . . Particularly in the social arena, we are not usually accustomed to seeing our mothers as women. We knew them as our mothers, not as fellow adults who raised us, who worked in the house or out to keep a family together. We do not usually picture them as women like ourselves, as partners enjoying or leaving relationships, as people like us who have lived with the mixed consequences of their actions. Unless our mothers had been alone for a long time before the death of our fathers, we tended to see them as part of a unit, as teamed with our fathers (or stepfathers or partners) in their roles as our mothers, not as women. Now fate conspires to show us the other faces of out mothers, and makes this time full of discovery for us both. For many of us, this can be an uncomfortable transition. If our mothers start dating, for example, we have to accept them as sexual beings. If we have not faced it before, we are now confronted with the reality that the tight parental unit – the monolith of parental support, discipline, and security that protected our childhood – was comprised of two humans, one of whom is now single and lonely as we have ever been. Some of us may experience this discovery as a betrayal . . . After the death of a parent, particularly a father, this . . . may become most pronounced when a widowed mother becomes sexually active again . . . (Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads, by Clea Simon, John Wiley & Sons, NY, 2001, pp. 140-142) To gain a clearer understanding of what your mother may be experiencing as a newly widowed person, it may help you to read what other widows have to say about dating and remarriage. See, for example, the article I’ve attached, “How Long Is Long Enough,” by Julie Donner Andersen. I also encourage you to get some help with all of this by talking to a therapist or professional bereavement counselor, so that your own feelings about losing your father and your current difficulties with your mom can be expressed, worked through and resolved. You may have no control over how your mother chooses to lives her life in the wake of your father’s death, but with help you can find more effective ways to manage your own reactions and get on with your own life. Your community library or your local mental health association will have good grief counseling referral lists, or you can use the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory to call your local hospital or hospice. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself, and I hope you will follow through with it. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T HowLongIsLongEnough.doc

Dear Lost, I'm so sorry to learn of the difficulties your significant other is having, but I want to applaud you for wanting to better understand what he may be going through so you can offer appropriate support. As I'm sure you know, a person in mourning can look awfully "crazy" to the rest of us, especially a few months after the death has happened, when that first wave of shock and disbelief wears off. Sorrow can look a lot like "depression," but more often than not, what you're seeing is a very normal reaction to losing a loved one. From what you've stated in your message, it's not clear to me whether your SO has even acknowledged to you (or even to himself) that he is having a problem with his grief. Aside from his being angry, I’m not sure if he has opened up to you or to anyone else about what is bothering him. Since that is the case, and since he isn't the one who is posting in this forum asking for help, it becomes very difficult for me to evaluate this situation. I don't know your SO and I don't know how he sees his own circumstances. Nevertheless, I will offer to you what I can. For starters, I can tell you is that everyone grieves differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss, and available support. Grieving differs among members of the same family, as each person’s relationship with and attachment to the deceased family member varies. How anyone reacts to a death depends on how they’ve responded to other crises in their life; on what was lost when this death happened (not only the life of the person who died, but certain aspects of their own lives as well: their way of life; who they were in their relationship with that person and who they planned to be; their hopes and dreams for the future); on who died (spouse, parent, child, sibling, grandparent, relative, friend or other; how they lived together and what that person meant to them); on the person’s role in their family; on when the death occurred (at what point in their life cycle: theirs as well as that of the person who died); and on how (the circumstances surrounding the death, and how the death occurred). Also, when evaluating someone else's grief as normal or abnormal, it's extremely important to keep in mind that, although certain patterns and reactions are universal and fairly predictable, everyone's grief is as unique to that individual as his or her fingerprints. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no specific time frame. Some folks experience grief in primarily emotional ways, having all sorts of feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness or loneliness. Others react in physical ways, feeling a need to keep busy as a way of handling the unpleasant feelings of grief. Neither way is right or wrong; they are just different from each other. In general (and know that I am only generalizing here) men express their grief in a masculine rather than in a feminine way, which often leads women to assume that they are not grieving at all. For example, a woman may take a man's silence as a sign of disinterest or lack of concern. Used to being in the role of strong protector and capable provider, a man may be afraid to share his grief for fear of embarrassment or of giving others the impression he is weak or otherwise incapable of "handling it". Your SO's responses aren't necessarily unhealthy; they may be perfectly understandable and normal under the circumstances in which he finds himself. If you feel comfortable in doing so, you can gently inquire whether your SO thinks he is making any progress in coming to terms with this particular loss, and if not, has he ever considered talking to someone about it and the effect it may be having on him now. I also think it would be helpful for you yourself to learn all you can about normal grief and what resources are "out there" and available. I don't know where you live, but I can tell you that most cities and towns have all sorts of places and people waiting to help with grief. You might consider calling your local library, mental health association, mortuary, church, synagogue or mosque to see what other resources are available. Many organizations nowadays offer bereavement support groups (at no cost) as well as individual bereavement counseling. I think what's important here is not that you try to assume the role of grief counselor yourself, but rather that you make yourself aware of what bereavement resources are available, so you're armed with that information when you approach your SO on the subject. Whether he decides to take advantage of those resources is really up to him, but certainly you can go so far as to help him find out what and where they are. You might also try spending some more time on the various pages of my Grief Healing Web site, especially on my Articles and Books page. Scroll down the page till you come to the section labeled "Articles by Marty Related to Human Loss and Grieving" and follow the directions there. You might also be interested in Tom Golden's WebHealing site, which focuses on male grief. Tom's book Swallowed By a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing is excellent. I've also written an on-line e-mail course which you might consider taking yourself; you can get a sense of it at The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Just knowing what normal grief looks like, knowing what to expect and knowing how to manage the typical reactions to it can be very, very helpful for you. Then, if and when the timing seems right, you can gently offer to share with your SO some of the resources you yourself have discovered and explored (so you'll know why you're recommending them.) You might also print out some of the articles that you find (or lessons in my course as they come to you via e-mail) and give them to your SO to read, along with a gentle comment such as, "I found this interesting article that shed some light on something I've been wondering about -- I thought perhaps you'd be interested in it, too. Maybe we can talk about it together, after you've had a chance to read it." Be aware, however, that your SO may not be open to or ready for your offers to help -- especially if he does not see that there is a problem here that requires your intervention in the first place. I don't know if what I've said offers you much help, my friend. As I said, I don't think you can fix this for your SO, but you certainly can learn more about it yourself so at least you can understand better what may be going on with him. You'll also be in a better position to encourage him to find the help that is available to him should he choose to seek it. I know it's difficult when you want to do something to make things better for someone you love, and you're not certain if they want or even need your help. Unfortunately, as a counselor I cannot force my help or unsolicited advice onto a person who does not seek it directly. As a matter of fact, I cannot force my ideas onto anyone who seeks my help, because all I would get in return is resistance. I simply cannot "make" someone else do what I think is best, regardless of how "right" I think I may be. Whatever you do, please know that I am thinking of you and your SO, and I hope you'll find the help you both deserve. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, Like everyone else who reads your message, I am so sorry for your loss and so very sorry you have a reason to be coming here -- but we're glad you found your way to this site, and we all want to welcome you to this warm and caring place. Because your husband was a patient with Hospice of the Valley here in Phoenix AZ, I want to be sure you know about the bereavement services we offer. Someone from our Bereavement Office will be contacting you by phone within the next two weeks, but I want you and others reading this to have this information now. Based on its belief that continuing support for the family after a death is crucial to the healing process, Hospice of the Valley offers a variety of programs and services designed to guide bereaved family members through their first year of grief. Services include a variety of bereavement support groups for adults, children and their families, individual and family counseling, periodic telephone follow-up and informal social gatherings at different times throughout the year. In addition to a monthly calendar of events, educational material is sent to each family to help them better understand the grieving process. One example of such material is our bi-monthly In Touch Bereavement Newsletter. Bereavement staff members and volunteers are available and will stay in touch with Hospice of the Valley families for at least thirteen months after the death of a loved one. If you have any questions, need information or just want to talk to someone, please feel free to contact the Bereavement Office of Hospice of the Valley at 602-530-6970. Visitors reading this from other parts of the country should know that similar bereavement services are offered by other hospices as well. To locate a hospice in your own community, search the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization data base. My friend, you say you thought you were ready for this -- but I don't know how anyone can possibly know how such a life-altering event will feel until it actually happens. It has only been four days. Be patient with yourself, and know that, while we cannot take away your pain, we will not leave you to travel this grief journey all alone. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, I want to thank you all for your words of wisdom. Please see an article I just wrote on this very subject, Should I Tell My Dad He's Dying? I also want to refer you – and everyone else who may be interested – to a very important book by Ira Byock, M.D., an international leader in hospice care, called The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book about Living, ISBN 0743249097. To give you a sense of its powerful message, here is a brief excerpt that I’ve posted on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. These four simple statements are powerful tools for improving your relationships and your life. As a doctor caring for seriously ill patients for nearly 15 years of emergency medicine practice and more than 25 years in hospice and palliative care, I have taught hundreds of patients who were facing life's end, when suffering can be profound, to say The Four Things. But the Four Things apply at any time. Comprising just eleven words, these four short sentences carry the core wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me about what matters most in life . . . We are all sons and daughters, whether we are six years of age or ninety-six. Even the most loving parent-child relationship can feel forever incomplete if your mother or father dies without having explicitly expressed affection for you or without having acknowledged past tensions. I've learned from my patients and their families about the painful regret that comes from not speaking these most basic feelings. Again and again, I've witnessed the value of stating the obvious. When you love someone, it is never too soon to say, "I love you," or premature to say, "Thank you," "I forgive you," or "Will you please forgive me?" When there is nothing of profound importance left unsaid, relationships tend to take on an aspect of celebration, as they should . . . Because accidents and sudden illness do happen, it is never too soon to express forgiveness, to say thank you and I love you to the people who have been an integral or intimate part of our lives, and to say good-bye is a blessing. These simple words hold essential wisdom for transforming that which matters most in our lives -- our relationships with the people we love. -- from The Four Things That Matter Most : A Book About Living © 2004 by Ira Byock, M.D. Free Press, New York Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

I think Frannie was referring to the Web site developed by Lighthearted Press which features Christine Davis and her wonderful books, For Every Dog An Angel and For Every Cat An Angel. When you go to that site, see the column on the left listing the site's Table of Contents, and just click on the "Testimonials" link -- that will take you to "Animal Lovers Speak Out." Scroll down about five entries and you will see a photograph of Frannie's precious Petey. Hugs, Marty T

If you go to the Pet Loss Links page on my Grief Healing Web site, then to the category labeled GENERAL PET LOSS RESOURCES, you will see a site listed there entitled, Tucson AZ Pet Loss Services. Just click on that link and you'll be taken to a description of what is offered in Tucson. These services are available in Las Vegas, Nevada: Center for Compassionate Care, 4131 Swenson Street, Las Vegas, NV 89119, 702-796-3143. Contact Vicky Quon, vquon@nah.org. Heather Lyn Baron, BA, 5481 Castle Vista Court, Las Vegas, NV 89118, (702) 889-0345, Seurat1@aol.com. Note to our other visitors: For a state-by-state guide to support groups, counselors and pet cemeteries, see my friend Moira Anderson's Pet Loss Support Page.

Dear Ones, This is another wonderful article that I think might bring you some comfort and understanding. It's called, "Grievers Anonymous" and is attached as a Word file. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T GrieversAnonymous.doc

Dear Clara's Mom, The people here stand ready to help in whatever way we can, but I wonder if you could provide us with a little more information. Can you tell us what brought you to this site? If you'd be willing to share your story, or to give us a few more details, we all would be in a better position to do whatever we can to meet your needs . . . In the meantime, regardless of what has brought you here, please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts. You are not alone -- not here, not in this very special, very caring place. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

While I’m so very sorry for the reason that brings you and all the others to this site, I am grateful that your coming here offers some relief. I want to respond to some of the issues you raised in your most recent post. You say it’s been just “five months since my mom passed and I still can’t think of her without bawling.” First of all, consider the fact that for your entire life on Earth so far, your mother has been an important part of your daily life. Is it reasonable to expect that, barely five months after her death, you would be able to think of her without being moved to tears? Five months is a very short span of time, considering the magnitude of your loss – and because the initial shock and disbelief that normally serve to cushion a blow like this are beginning to wear off, you’re probably just now feeling the full force of your grief. This is normal and to be expected, as I’m sure other grievers coming here will tell you. Your description of feeling as if you’re on a roller-coaster couldn’t be more accurate – it is as if you’re stuck on a terrifying, nightmarish ride that you never asked to get on, you have no control over the ups and downs of it, you don’t want to be there, you have no way to predict when the ride will end, and you want desperately to get off as quickly as possible, but the person running the ride is nowhere in sight. You feel dizzy, nauseated, terrified, disoriented and confused, and your entire world has been turned completely upside down. Nothing feels right, and you don't know when it all will end. Is there any more accurate description of grief than this? All I can tell you is that, gradually and over time, the ups and downs of this ride begin to level off somewhat. It won’t always feel as bad as it does right now, and eventually you will regain your bearings. You say you want to “keep it together” because you don’t like “falling apart” in front of your daughter. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but may I suggest that if and when she finds you crying, you can simply reassure her that it’s not because of anything she did or failed to do that has you upset – and then you can go on to explain that you are simply feeling very, very sad because you’re missing Grandma so much right now. Feeling, showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your daughter an example to follow, while holding back implies that feelings are to be suppressed. Refusing to cry in front of your daughter may lead her to wonder if you would cry if she died! Children need to know that crying is a natural and healthy way to release emotions. Read what Washington Irving had to say about tears: There is a sacredness in tears.They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. — Washington Irving You say you don’t want your dad to feel lonely – and yet, isn’t this exactly how you would expect him to feel at this point in his own grief journey? You cannot bring your mother back to him in a physical sense, but I wonder what would happen if together with your dad and your daughter you could find some ways to remember your mom, to bring her back in a different way, by bringing her to life in your conversations with one another? You can model reminiscing and talking openly about how much your mother meant to you and your family; you can go through photo albums and share special stories and find all sorts of ways to keep her memory alive, in your minds and in your hearts. So often we keep ourselves from mentioning the person who has died for fear of upsetting the bereaved -- but do you really think your dad is thinking of anyone BUT your mother anyway? Maybe he is longing to hear someone speak her name and to talk about how much he misses her. Finally, you say you’re not sure whether coming to this site is helpful or whether it simply reminds you of how much you’ve lost. I suspect it’s both, my friend – but I want to encourage you to think not just of how much you’ve lost, but also of what you still have that your mother has given to you, to your dad and to your daughter, and to everyone else whose lives your mother touched in one way or another. How would she want to be remembered by you? What is the legacy that she has left to you? What has she given to you that will sustain you now, as you learn other ways of keeping her here with you, now that you are no longer separated by time and space and distance? Death may have ended your mother’s life, but it has not canceled it. She will always be your mother, and you will always be her daughter. She will always be a part of who you are, and the relationship you have with her will go on forever. I invite you to tell us what you think about all of this, and I hope our other visitors will share their thoughts on these matters, too! Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Friend, I’m so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved sister-in-law last weekend. Please know that what you are feeling is part of a normal reaction to losing someone you loved very much, and the fact that this person was not directly related to you does not diminish those feelings in any way. Your lifelong connection to this person is real, and it is normal for you to be reacting with real grief. Unfortunately, sometimes the most difficult part of dealing with the death of a loved one is coping with the insensitivity of others who don’t understand the significance of the relationship you’ve had with the one who has died. You can choose to inform such people of how much this person meant to you, or you can choose to ignore (and even forgive) their ignorance and go elsewhere to find the comfort, support and understanding that you need – as you did, for example, by coming here to share your message with those who are walking a similar path. People who come here don't need to explain or justify what they are feeling, because we all are bound by the common experience of grief. I hope you and others who visit this place will keep in mind that death may end a life, but it certainly does not end the relationship you have with your loved one who has died, and I hope you will do everything you can to keep your sister-in-law’s memory alive in your heart, as you bring everything she meant to you with you into the present and future. Find ways to keep her with you always, as now you are no longer separated by time and space and distance. Because I think it will be of interest to you as well as to anyone else who reads this message, I’m once again attaching (in Word format) an informative and relevant article by Ken Doka entitled, “Grief: Coping with Hidden Sorrow.” Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T GriefCopingWithHiddenSorrow.doc

Dear Karen, What a heartwarming story -- thank you so much for sharing it with all of us, and congratulations on the adoption of your precious little one. We are so happy for you, and for Brandy. Most sincerely, Marty T

Hi Niki, I’m so sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved companion, Kong, this past weekend. Since he was with you and your husband for twelve years, I’m sure he managed to weave himself into the very fabric of your lives together, and I can only imagine how very much you are missing his physical presence now. You say that “the first thing we’re trying to get over is incredible guilt,” and so I want to refer you to one of the articles I’ve written, Loss and the Burden of Guilt. (For other articles of interest on pet loss, please see those listed on my site's Pet Loss Articles page. You also say you're struggling with whether to have Kong's body cremated, as you feel somewhat uneasy about the process. I can tell you that, if you do decide to have Kong cremated, your being present for the cremation is the best way to make certain that the cremains that are returned to you really are those of your dog. You can also take comfort in knowing that Kong's cremains will be with you always. Even if you decide to scatter most of them off Mt. Washington, you can always separate and keep a small portion of them with you, either in a small container or a locket of some kind. I will share with you that when my own beloved Muffin (a darling Cockapoo) was hit by a car and had to be euthanized in 1986, I had no idea what to do with his remains either. My husband and I ended up burying his body in our backyard in New Jersey — but of course the time eventually came when we moved to Arizona, and I cannot tell you how difficult it was for us to leave his grave behind! How was I to know that the option we chose would later turn out to be the "wrong" one? Like you, when this happened to our beloved Muffin it came right out of the blue. We were totally unprepared to even think about our dog as dead much less know what to do with his body. So we did what made sense to us at the time. And that is precisely why eventually Katherine Heuerman and I later came to write our book, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet. We wanted animal lovers like ourselves to know in advance that sooner or later we all will lose our animals to death (their life span is far shorter than our own), that we are responsible for deciding what to do with our animals' remains after death, and we ought not wait until we are in the throes of overwhelming grief to decide what we want to do with our cherished animals after they die, when we are not in the best position or frame of mind to make such difficult and unpleasant decisions. I don't think there are any right or wrong decisions here, Niki – you simply have to do the best you can with the information you have available to you at the time, given your own unique circumstances and resources. And you do what you think you can live with later. Based on those criteria, it seems to me that your decision to have Kong's body cremated is a very sensible one. If you want to have a place of remembrance at the pet cemetery where you can go to visit, you might consider placing a portion of his cremains in a container in a columbarium there – or you could purchase a memorial brick for a wall or walkway of remembrance, such as the one we have in the memorial park on the grounds our Arizona Humane Society here in Phoenix AZ. A less expensive option is to create a simple place of remembrance in your own home or yard – this can be done indoors with a potted plant, a photograph or a candle, or outdoors with a shrub, rosebush, tree or memorial garden. See my MEMORIALIZING A PET page for links to dozens of sites that offer various wonderful and creative ways of remembering our precious canine companions. You are limited only by your own imagination. I hope that in time you will come to see that regardless of what you decide to do with Kong’s remains, the love and the bond that you had with him will be with you always, and the memories you have of his life with you will remain in your heart forever, just as long as you choose to keep those precious memories alive. I hope what I've said is helpful, Niki. Regardless of what you and your husband decide to do, though, please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers, and may the memories of your beloved Kong one day fill your hearts with joy. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Ally, I see from all your recent postings that you’ve had a really rough night, and I sincerely hope you found some relief by coming here . . . I want to address some of the questions you’ve put to me in your message of June 26. First of all, whatever you are feeling and experiencing as you come to terms with this awful death of your beloved son is normal, Ally – normal for you. There simply is no right or wrong way to do the work of grieving – there is only your way, and you must discover that for yourself. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that your reactions aren’t normal. They are what they are, and as the weeks, months and years go by, you must find your own way of dealing with them. That said, I think it’s quite understandable that as time goes by you fear that you are losing touch with your son. Partly that is because you are in the process of learning how live without his physical presence in your life, yet still go on loving him in a very different way – loving him in his absence rather than in his presence. As Thomas Attig says, The heart of grief, its most difficult challenge, is not "letting go" of those who have died but instead making the transition from loving in presence to loving in separation. -- Thomas Attig, in The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love You say you’re still “a little torn in that I still don’t know what actually killed Dan . . .” As I’ve said to you elsewhere, I think it’s only natural for you to want to know what actually happened to your boy. Read what this mother has to say about her own need to know why – in this case, wanting to know why her son decided to die by suicide: For a long time I was obsessed with why Mitch had ended his life. I thought that I needed to discover the real cause of his hopelessness. I studied and analyzed what I believed to be his suicide note . . . Finally, I perceived that a death by suicide is a result of factors too numerous to count. I wanted to know why, but I didn't have to have an answer in order to go on living my own life. Even the most experienced and astute investigators are finally forced to make what at best is only an educated guess. It is important, however, to ask why. It is important to worry about why, because one finally exhausts possibility after possibility and ultimately one tires of the fruitless search. Then it is time to let it go and to start healing. -- Iris Bolton in My Son...My Son: A Guide to Healing After a Suicide in the Family Bolton Press.Com I want to refer you to some resources that I think may offer you some additional comfort, Ally. Please at least check them out, and please continue to let us know how you’re doing. These are the sites: Another Reality: After-Death Communication Dreaming Kevin: The Path to Healing (Book by Carla Blowey) Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love by Sandy Goodman Prayer Wave: After-Death Communication and Grief Support It's Happening Again (Article by Sandy Goodman) Finally, in response to your concerns about being there for your daughter and accepting help from your friend who wants to be there for you, I want to leave you with these words: Now that I am gone, remember me with smiles and laughter. And if you need to cry, cry with your brother or sister who walks in grief beside you. And when you need me, put your arms around anyone and give to them what you need to give to me. There are so many who need so much. I want to leave you something -- something much better than words or sounds. Look for me in the people I've known or helped in some special way. Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind. You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones, by embracing them and living in their love. Love does not die, people do. So, when all that's left of me is love, give me away as best you can. -- Author unknown Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Treating a Pet Like a Family Member - Right to the Very End [from Last Acts Partnership E-Newsletter, June 2004] It is far from uncommon for people to consider their pets beloved members of their families. And when these pets fall severely ill, owners want them to have the best care they can find during their final days. In that spirit, Colorado State University has started the nation's first student-run pet hospice care program in Fort Collins, CO. Kira, a 9-year-old black Lab mix with lung cancer, was the first patient. The program offers families a chance to bring their pets home and gives them a chance to say good-bye to their much-loved companions. The program is run through a veterinary teaching hospital, which also has a nationally renowned Animal Cancer Center, and specializes in providing emotional support to grieving pet owners. It hopefully will serve as a model that can be reproduced in other communities. To read an article about this unique pet hospice program that ran in the Rocky Mountain News, go to: Pet Hospice Comes Through in the End