MartyT

My dear Lori, I’m sure that if you had found your beloved Mia by now, you would have let us know, but I want you to know that we’re still keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I have a special place in my heart for you, as I’ve learned from my own experience the agony of a pet gone missing – as I describe in this excerpt from my book, The Final Farewell: One Christmas Eve [my beloved cockapoo, Muffin] went off hunting and was gone for four days. It was the saddest and most painful holiday I had ever known. I was inconsolable. How does one resolve that kind of grief? Was he dead? Was he hurt and lying in some cold, dark ditch somewhere? Had someone picked him up and stolen him? Would I ever find out what had happened to him? How could I go on with celebrations with family and friends when my heart was breaking? How could I leave the house even for a moment, knowing that he might come back home while I was gone? Shouldn’t we search for him one more time? How could I be so upset over a dog? I also want to share with you (and all who read this) some interesting things I’ve learned from your situation, in hopes that you and others will benefit. (I must attribute much of the credit for my new-found learning to Maylissa, whose diligent Internet searching and informative posts led me to find some marvelous “missing pet” resources I would not have discovered otherwise, and I am so grateful to her for that. Thanks, Maylissa!!!) As I explored the Web sites Maylissa recommended (which are now listed on the Missing Pets page of my own Grief Healing Web site), I decided to purchase Kat Albrecht’s book, The Lost Pet Chronicles: Adventures of a K-9 Cop Turned Pet Detective. I’ve just finished the book, and it’s a wonderful read! I also learned so many things I’d never heard anywhere before, and I want to share with you some information that made me think of you and Mia. On pp. 238-239, Kat notes that “Sometimes it takes weeks, even months to find a missing cat. Physically, your cat is somewhere, and the majority of lost cats are found within a half mile, usually closer, of their territory. Although it is possible that someone has transported your cat a long distance from your home (either by mistake when the cat crawled in their van or because they are a cruel cat hater), you must act on the assumption that your cat is nearby and that you will recover it. If you lose hope or become discouraged by others who are trying to tell you to give up your search efforts, you will reduce your chances of recovering your cat.” On page 236, Kat also points out that, based on her vast experience as a pet detective, “We do not know enough about lost-cat behavior to predict which cats will remain hidden and which cats will travel. To be on the safe side,” she suggests, “combine aggressively distributing flyers and setting baited humane traps.” She also suggests that you join a lost-cat discussion board that offers tips and emotional support, and that encourages you to remain diligent and persistent in your efforts to bring your displaced kitty home. The one she recommends is moderated by Pauline Phung, at http://p209.ezboard.com/bcatsinthebag. Only you can determine how long you’re willing and able to keep hope alive, Lori, but I hope it brings you some comfort to know that your lost pet story certainly has educated me as a pet loss counselor, and I’m sure it has raised the awareness of many other animal lovers as well. I promise that as a tribute to you and Mia, I will continue to do all I can to spread the word about the vast resources available to those whose cherished animal companions have gone missing. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, Like you, I love the notion of looking up and finding our loved ones in the heavens, somewhere out there amongst the stars. When my dear father died, I remembered this beautiful quotation by William Shakespeare, which I had printed on his memorial card: When he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night, And pay no worship to the garish sun. — Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 2 And there is this, from an Eskimo legend: Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy. I found this one day on a Hallmark greeting card, attributed to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Stars are the forget-me-knots of angels in the meadow of heaven. And there is this, from The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery: You — and you alone — will have stars as no one else has them. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night. You — only you — will have stars that can laugh! And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows), you will be content that you have known me. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Mokie, As I read through all the messages posted in this thread, I am touched by the warm and caring responses you’ve received from Maylissa, Kelly, Eliza and Tracy, and there is precious little I can add to the wisdom and experience they’ve already shared with you. Nevertheless, I feel a need to add my voice to theirs and share some of my own thoughts with you. You say that with the onset of the holidays, your bad days outnumber the good ones, you want to cry all the time, and you are “seriously thinking of ending life to stop the pain.” The idea of sitting in a group with total strangers doesn’t appeal to you, your friends are growing impatient with your grief, reading a book about pet loss makes you even more depressed, and while work offers you some respite, your grief is still waiting for you when you get home at the end of the day. In your message of November 21 you ask, “please what else can I do?” I am reminded of the old adage that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Much as you may want to do so, there is no way to avoid this grief of yours. You cannot wait it out; you won’t “get over it” quickly, and nobody else can do it for you. It’s called grief work because finding your way through grief is hard work, and if you put it off, like a sink full of dirty dishes in your kitchen, it will just sit there, waiting to be done. And the longer it waits, the harder it becomes. In addition to what you’ve already tried or thought about trying, there is a great deal “else” that you can “do” with this grief of yours. If you find that one thing you’ve already tried doesn’t work for you right now, you can keep trying it anyway, you can leave it alone for now and try it again later on, or you can move on and try something else. Don’t make the mistake of telling yourself that you “don’t feel like trying it.” If you wait until you feel like doing something, you will wait forever, because you’ll never feel like doing any of this! Grief work is very hard, it takes enormous energy, and it shouldn’t be done alone. It is an active process, not a passive one, and recovery is a choice. Remember that since the beginning of time, people have survived the most devastating losses. Whatever loss confronts you, know that you can survive. You will get through this experience, and you will not feel this way forever. Like all the rest of us struggling to cope with our own losses, given the proper information, comfort and support, you can learn how to use this grieving time to help you heal yourself. As I have said elsewhere, to make the process of mourning a healing one, you must go through it actively, which means moving through it thoughtfully and working with it deliberately. Expressed grief can be worked with and released, but suppressed and unexpressed grief will continue to torment you in ways you cannot control. Healthy, normal grieving is a process of honestly facing the reality of your loss, coming to terms with is impact on your life, learning to access all available resources for recovery, finding meaning in your loss, and continuing to live productively in the years that follow. You say you lost both your parents around the holidays and especially at this time of year, you find it hard to be “upbeat.” I hope you’ve read my article, Handling the Holidays When You’re Feeling Blue. You’ll find a similar article aimed at grieving animal lovers on my Web site, at Pet Loss and the Holidays. You ask “do those support groups really help?” I can tell you unequivocally that the answer is “Yes!” I am repeatedly amazed at the healing power of these groups, and that alone is what has inspired me to continue volunteering my time on the first Saturday of the month for the past 14 years as the facilitator for our own Pet Grief Support Group here in Phoenix AZ. (For further information, see Pet Grief Support Service.) See also my article, Finding Support in a Pet Loss Group. Although you “don’t have extra money for private counseling;” you might also be interested in reading Peggy Haymes’ article, Top Ten Reasons for Avoiding Counseling. If you cannot bring yourself to attend an “in person” support group or to seek private counseling, another (less costly) alternative is to purchase an audio program on pet loss which you can use in the privacy of your own home. Two such outstanding programs that I’ve reviewed and personally recommend are listed on my site’s Audiocassette / CD Program page; click on the links listed there to read more about each program. In her post to you on Nov. 20, Kelly refers you to one particular online chat for pet loss. If that one is not to your liking, you’ll find additional ones listed on my site’s Helplines, Message Boards, Chats page. As Maylissa notes in her response to Kelly, there are literally dozens of pet loss resources on the Internet, including Web sites dedicated to specific types of pet loss, such as the one aimed at horse lovers (Hoofbeats in Heaven). In her post to you on Nov. 22, Tracy accurately observes that “everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.” For further discussion of this topic, see my article, Understanding Different Grieving Patterns in Your Family. In her post to you on Nov. 17, Maylissa states that there are “a lot of good books out now . . . dealing with animal companion loss.” You’ll find links to many of them on the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site; I’ve listed only the ones I’ve read and personally recommend. Difficult as it is for you, I encourage you to continue reading about the grief that accompanies pet loss, so you'll have a better sense of what normal grief looks and feels like, as well as what you can do to manage your own reactions. This alone can be very reassuring. See those listed on my site’s Pet Loss Articles page. Another alternative is to subscribe to an online e-mail course I've written; you can get a sense of it at Coping with Pet Loss: Course Overview. Every loss is a challenge to grow. But growth requires change, and change is often painful. When your Smokey died, everything changed, including you. Nothing will ever be the same again, and it may feel as if you’ve lost control of everything. But you will find that in fact you do have some control, especially over the choices you will make. You alone will decide whether the changes you face will be positive or negative ones. You can choose how you will respond to this loss of Smokey and how you will let it affect you. You can keep both your memories of the past and your dreams for the future, and you can decide not to give up on yourself and the rest of your life. Since you have access to the Internet, you really do have a world of support at your fingertips. There are all kinds of resources "out there" – you just have to make the effort to find them and to reach out and ask for the help that you need. As all of the response you’ve received here indicate, you are not alone. If one of the suggestions we’ve made doesn’t work for you, keep looking for one that feels right to you. As overwhelmed as you feel, you are in need of support, comfort and understanding, and you’ve taken that first difficult step by coming here. I hope you will continue taking more of those steps as you continue on this long journey, one step at a time, and that you will think of each step as a gift you can give to yourself. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Hi Maylissa, I am experiencing some of the same problems you are, and I want you (and all who may be reading this) to know that each and every one of your questions and concerns has been forwarded to a technician in the Invision Power Customer Center. Not every problem gets addressed immediately, of course, but I think as you continue to visit the site, you will notice that changes and improvements are taking place, sometimes several times a day. We understand that these changes take some adjusting to -- and I'm sure you've already noticed that I am no computer whiz, either! I am struggling right along side of all of you as I, too, must learn the ins and outs of this new system. And like you, I would much prefer spending my time moderating these forums instead of learning all this "techy" stuff that I never wanted to know in the first place You've all been so kind and patient, and I hope you will continue to bear with us as we get all these kinks worked out.

My dear Walt, I have to ask you a question. If you had lost one of your limbs, would it be appropriate for someone to ask when you would stop noticing / missing / grieving the absence of your leg or your arm? It seems to me that losing your beloved Jeannie is not unlike losing a significant part of yourself, as if half of you is gone. Grief is not an illness from which you will recover; it more closely resembles an amputation. Although an essential part of you has been severed and is no longer there in a physical way, you still remember vividly how much that part meant to you. While over time you may grow accustomed to your plight, to some extent you will struggle every day of your life to accommodate and adjust to the physical absence of that important part of you. This loss of Jeannie will be with you for the rest of your life, Walt. That is not to say that you will always mourn as intensely as you are grieving now, but you will never, ever forget your beloved Jeannie. As you have already discovered, rather than recovering from your physical loss of her, you are finding ways to incorporate her life and her love into the rest of your life. Jeannie is a part of you and always will be, and sometimes you will remember her with joy, and other times with tears. Both are okay. Adjusting to Jeannie's physical absence in your life is not the same as "accepting" her death, either. We all must understand the fact that our precious loved ones have died and it is real, but there are some things in life that simply aren't acceptable. Some things are a mystery, beyond our understanding, and we all must find a way to live with them, just as you are doing now. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Maylissa, I’m so very sorry that you had the experiences you’ve described, and I hope that will never happen to you here – but I’d like to address some of your concerns. I’m reminded of an experience I had with my physician father several years ago. He had been caring diligently for an older man who was dying, and despite everything my father tried, he could not reverse the course of this man's illness, and eventually his patient died. The man’s wife was furious with my father, and he confided in me how taken aback he was by this woman’s white-hot anger. My father (who was a wonderful, caring, conscientious and highly respected physician) assured me that he had done everything in his power to care for this man, but in the end, he was powerless to save him. He was mystified by the wife's reaction to her husband's death, and he felt terribly misjudged and abused by the anger and rage this woman directed at him. I listened to his story and then gently suggested to my father that perhaps this was not what this woman was really angry about. Perhaps, I said, what she was really angry about is the fact that her husband died. I will never forget the look on my father’s face. He was astounded, and he began immediately to re-frame how he was perceiving this woman’s behavior toward him. The next time he saw her, he was able to empathize with her anger rather than taking it personally – and they both managed to talk about it, recognize it for what it was, work through it and get past it. I share this story with you, Maylissa, simply to illustrate how the anger that accompanies loss can be so hurtful, and how important it is to recognize that anger is one of the most common reactions in grief. When we’re frustrated and hurting it’s only natural to lash out and look for someone to blame. Being angry is a way of channeling energy, of making some sense of the pain. When we are protesting an unjust loss, we may have every right to be angry. Even if we know our anger isn’t logical or justified, we cannot always help how we feel. For some of us, being angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss. When you encounter grieving people in a support group – whether in person or in a virtual support group such as this one – you run the risk of exposing yourself to the raw emotions of other grieving people. Clearly in the situation you describe, you felt attacked for stating your beliefs, and you chose to deal with it by confronting the person constructively with what happened and how you feel about it. But if the person is unwilling to listen or unable to accept your point of view, there is another alternative: you can realign your expectations, accept the other person’s limitations and seek the support you need somewhere else. When you decide to participate in any online grief forum or message board, I suggest you consider the following: 1) Investigate before you participate. Notice whether the service is sponsored by a reputable organization (such as this one, which is sponsored by Hospice of the Valley), and learn whether the moderators are qualified to offer information and support (such as the ones you’ll find here, both of whom are nationally certified hospice bereavement counselors). Read about the moderators to learn about their background, education and training. Make sure they have experience in facilitating support groups and knowledge about the normal grief process. Read some posts written by the moderators to get a sense of their approach to grieving people. Make certain that the group or forum you select is made up of grievers with whom you can identify. Read some of the posts in a given forum to decide if you can relate to the people gathered there. 2) Look for a statement of the group’s purpose and its “ground rules.” (You can read ours by clicking on the link labeled "Discussion Group Guidelines," located at the top of the main page on this board, or you can go directly to the Discussion Groups page of my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/discussiongroup.htm ) 3) Look for an option that enables you to report to the moderator(s) any post that you find objectionable. (Note that a !REPORT button appears at the foot of every post in these forums, whereby you can alert our moderators to the link to such a post and the topic title.) 4) Use your own good judgment and common sense. If something doesn’t feel right, if you don’t feel safe, accepted or understood, trust your instincts, leave immediately, and find another group. Whether it is offered “in person” or online, a bereavement support group is intended to form a healing circle that helps members bear up under the heavy burden of loss without giving way. It may be one of the few places where you can come to be among others who understand, and where you can still talk about the one you have loved and lost. (It’s important to note that group support is not the same as group therapy. Support groups aren’t meant to cure long-standing emotional problems, alter people’s personalities or change their basic values or beliefs. Neither are they just social gatherings designed to introduce people of similar interests, although friendships may develop outside the group as members may choose to correspond with and get to know one another.) The group provides a safe, structured place where normal, healthy people bound by the experience of loss can come together on a regular basis to share their stories, get their concerns and feelings validated, learn more about the grieving process, express and work through their feelings, and reflect with one another on the meaning of it all. Members have the opportunity to grow by giving help as well as receiving it. Whether offered “in person” or online, most support groups are facilitated or moderated by people who’ve lost loved ones themselves, worked through their own grief and are committed to helping others get through the experience. What goes on in a support group meeting, or in an online forum such as this one, will vary with its leaders, its membership and what is shared. Although some groups have the added assistance of a professional bereavement counselor, who can offer expertise and educational information on grieving that may not be available otherwise, the facilitator / moderator’s role is the same: to provide structure and to make certain that everyone in the group feels safe. You have the right to expect that structure and safety no matter what group you select – whether "in person" or on the Internet – and if you don’t experience it, you owe it to yourself to find another group. I hope this information is helpful, Maylissa, and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to provide it to all of our members and visitors. Most sincerely, Marty T

[quote name='Maylissa' post='2781' date='Nov 17 2005, 05:46 PM' I also wondered if you would mind if I copied and pasted your reply into another grief site I use . . .I posted about some of the 'bugs' in the system in the Comments forum.] My dear Maylissa, You are most welcome to copy and paste my reply into another grief site, although as an alternative you might simply place a link to this entire thread into the message you post elsewhere. To do that, just go to the address box in your browser, then copy and paste the URL address into your message, like so: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=719 I read your post about the "bugs" and I've forwarded it to our administration. Please keep telling me about whatever other problems you discover as we all continue to figure out this new system. You are our eyes and ears . . . Love, Marty T

Dear Friend, Since your physician knows your personal health history, he or she is in a better position to evaluate your need for medication, but I think you are wise to arm yourself with some useful information before meeting with your doctor on Monday. Keep in mind, too, that while MDs are qualified to prescribe medications, not all physicians are knowledgeable about grief and the normal mourning process. In his classic text, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, grief expert J. William Worden notes, "There has been much discussion among mental health professionals about the use of medication in the management of acute, normal grief. The consensus is that medication ought to be used sparingly and focused on giving relief from anxiety or from insomnia as opposed to providing relief from depressive symptoms . . . It is usually inadvisable to give antidepressant medications to people undergoing an acute grief reaction. These anitdepressants take a long time to work, they rarely relieve normal grief symptoms, and they could pave the way for an abnormal grief response, though this has yet to be proved through controlled studies. The exception would be in cases of major depressive episodes. Psychiatrist Beverly Raphael (2001) affirmed that, although our psychological understandings of bereavement have increased, there is not yet a good basis for biological intervention. Pharmacological approaches should, for the most part, only be provided where there is an established disorder for which they are indicated. I would concur with this.” [pp. 70-71]. In 1989, an Institute of Medicine Committee for the Study of Health Consequences of the Stress of Bereavement stated that it did not recommend the use of anti-depressants "for individuals whose grief remains within the ‘normal bounds' of intensity and duration." Notice that both these references speak about “normal grief” or grief “within the ‘normal bounds’ of intensity and duration.” Normal grief is neither an illness nor a pathological condition; it is a normal response to losing a loved one – but since we all are unique human beings with our own individual backgrounds and experiences, what is “normal” can vary considerably from one griever to the next, and how our grief is expressed will vary as well. Everyone grieves differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experiences with loss, and available support. How you react to your sister’s death depends on how you’ve reacted to other crises in your life; on what was lost when this death happened (e.g., who you were in your relationship with your sister); on who died (i.e., what your sister meant to you and the role she played in your life); on when her death occurred (at what point in your life cycle as well as hers); and on how (the circumstances surrounding her death, and how her death occurred). As you probably already know, whether a person is grieving or not, using medications for sleeplessness, depression and/or anxiety involves certain risks, such as impaired motor coordination and mental acuity. Drug dependence, especially when drugs are taken in combination with alcohol, is also a risk. Be sure to ask your doctor about any potential side effects and/or drug interactions, to avoid aggravating existing problems or creating new ones. Whether you decide with your doctor to continue taking medication or not, I encourage you to educate yourself about the grief process, because your grief journey will feel so much safer and more predictable, you’ll understand yourself better, and you’ll feel less “crazy” and afraid. Visit my Grief Healing Web site and some of the links listed on my Death of A Sibling page. Read and learn about bereavement through books, articles, audiotapes, seminars, workshops, classes and support groups, including this online forum -- which functions as a virtual support group. Visit sites specifically aimed at adults whose siblings have died, such as Adult Sibling Grief. Such activities expose you to models of survival and growth, and can give you hope that you can make it, too. I hope this information proves useful to you, my friend, and for the loss of your beloved sister, you have my deepest sympathy. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

[quote name='Guest_floridamom_*' post='2770' date='Nov 17 2005, 11:00 AM' I am mourning the father that I wish I had. I don't cry because I miss him... I cry for the father that he never was. His death brings up these feelings in me.] Dear Ones, It is not unusual for individuals who've had an ambivalent or victimized relationship with a parent who has died to think that we have no reason at all to mourn the death. Feeling relieved at being free of the conflicted relationship, we may think we have nothing to be sad about, and feel as if spending any time or tears on the loss of an abusive parent would be wasted. Any need to mourn feels somehow hypocritical to us, and so we push away any positive memories and deny any feelings of missing the deceased. In writing about factors that can complicate the mourning process, noted clinical psychologist, researcher and thanatologist Therese Rando advocates "[educating] all mourners, but especially those who deny the need to mourn . . . about the unique issues inherent in mourning an extremely conflicted relationship." She lists those unique issues as follows: 1) Mourning the death of an abusive individual does not invalidate the abuse, lessen the culpability of the perpetrator or victimization of the mourner, or mean the mourner wishes the deceased were alive to resume the relationship. 2) Negative ties can bind just as strongly as positive ones, with the degree of bonding being determined by the strength of attachment, not its characteristics. Characteristics of the bond determine only the quality of the attachment. 3) Extremely negative ties - even those that predominate in number and intensity - can coexist with some positive ties (e.g., from a time prior to abuse, from a time when abuse was not occurring, from an idealization of the abuser). 4) All ties, whether positive or negative, must be relinquished. This demands mourning. 5) Contrary to popular assumption, mourning negative ties does not mean that the mourner is sad that the deceased has died or experiences unwanted deprivation. There is nothing in the definition or requirements of mourning that mandates sadness over the loss. In reality, mourning only means that whatever ties existed are worked through in order for the mourner to be free from them and that the mourner adapts suitably to their absence. Not to free oneself is a form of continued victimization. 6) Much of the mourning that must take place after the death of an abuser focuses on mourning for what that abuser has taken away from the mourner (e.g. innocence, autonomy, a happy childhood, trust). 7) [successful mourning requires] that much alteration must be done in the assumptive world, the self, and one's behaviors in the world after the death. Thus, the mourner should not focus exclusively on the deceased. He must be helped to see that the major purpose of mourning is to free himself, and, only if appropriate, to express sadness and other emotions over the loss. [source: "Ambivalence in Mourning a Conflicted Relationship," in Treatment of Complicated Mourning by Therese A. Rando, Research Press, 1993, pp. 472-475] Rando goes on to say that whatever one's feelings may be, it's important to understand the need to review and to feel all of the emotions and memories pertaining to the deceased and come to terms with them: "If he wants to bury the unpleasant memories, that is fine - however, he needs to bury them dead (i.e., worked through), not alive." [p. 477] I want to suggest a groundbreaking book on this topic that you may find quite helpful, entitled Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief, by Jennifer Elison and Chris McGonigle. See also Less Than Loved Ones: Hopes and Dreams, an article by Russell Friedman and John W. James of The Grief Recovery Institute. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Handling the Holidays When You're Feeling Blue By Marty Tousley "Happy Holidays!" is a greeting we hear often at this time of year - but if you're mourning the loss of a loved one, the holiday season may be anything but happy for you. Perhaps there is no time of the year when we are more aware of the empty space our loved one has left behind than during the busy holiday season. Holidays can create feelings of dread and anxiety in those of us who are bereaved. The clichéd images of family togetherness and the often unrealistic expectations of a season filled with picture-perfect, joyful gatherings can cause tremendous stress for those who are not grieving - let alone for those in the midst of the painful, isolating experience of loss. In our culture and in our mass media, the pressure to produce warm and wonderful holiday memories for and with our families is enormous. But the reality is that, when we're mourning the loss of a loved one, we may not have the energy we ordinarily do. When we're surrounded by nostalgia and traditions, even the happiest memories can hurt. When we're in the midst of pain, and the rest of the world is in the mood to give thanks and celebrate, we need to find ways to manage our pain and get through the season with a minimum of stress. Read more . . .

Dear Ones, Your discussion reminds me so much of a poem I've always loved, written by e. e. cummings in 1944: when god decided to invent everything he took one breath bigger than a circustent and everything began when man determined to destroy himself he picked the was of shall and finding only why smashed it into because

Samantha, dear. Yes, your sister's pain and suffering have ended and you are grateful for that ~ but you're still here, and so is the pain and suffering of your grief and mourning! We are so very sorry for your loss, and we are holding you in gentle thought and prayer. I think that as November comes, the days get shorter and the holidays loom, everyone who is coping with loss looks forward to these days with dread and wonders how we'll ever find the strength to get through them. It may help to know that many helpful and informative articles have been written on this very topic, and on the Coping with the Holidays page of my Grief Healing Web site, I've assembled a list of links to many of them. I hope that whatever you plan to do for Christmas this year, you will think about and find a way to include your sister in your plans. Although she is no longer with you in the physical sense, she still exists in memory ~ and the relationship you have with her, the love you feel for her, certainly has not died. Because your loss is so recent, you may not have the energy to constuct an elaborate ritual of remembrance -- perhaps something as simple as lighting a Christmas candle in honor of your sister will do -- but as a very wise lady once said, "If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing." Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Tina, I'm so very sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved Maddie on Tuesday, and I can only imagine the shock and devastation you must be feeling now. Please know that here, in this special place of compassion and understanding, you are among kindred spirits, fellow animal lovers all, and here there is no need to explain or justify the very special attachment you have with your precious Maddie. Clearly this dog was your "heart dog," the special one that author Christine Davis (in her darling book, For Every Dog An Angel) refers to as your "forever dog." Since you live in Gilbert, Arizona, I want to be sure you know about our Pet Grief Support Group that meets on the first Saturday of every month, from 9:00 to 10:30 a.m. at Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix. (For further information and directions, click on Pet Grief Support Service.) You are most welcome to join us when our support group meets next, on this coming Saturday morning, November 5. You also have available to you our Pet Grief Support Service Helpline, at 602-995-5885. You can read more about these Services at Pet Grief Support Service. I also hope you will pay a long visit to my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find additional information, comfort and support. You are not alone, Tina. In the midst of this terrible and tragic loss, you managed to find your way here, and I hope you'll take some comfort in knowing that there is help available to you. You need not travel this journey all by yourself. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

A Message from Melissa, originator of the Christmas in Heaven Memorial Site: Christmas in Heaven opens for the 2005 season! Christmas in Heaven began by an empty feeling in my stomach that my daughter was alone during the holiday season. My husband’s grandmother had stated that her son & my daughter were hanging stockings together in Heaven. When I pictured them, and everyone else’s children’s stockings together, that empty feeling went away. I hope you this memorial can help to bring you peace this holiday season. Each year more and more stockings are hung, and we anticipate 500 or more stockings being hung this year. Please feel free to share the memorial with your friends and groups, and anyone you think will enjoy it. You can begin to request stockings today! Stockings will begin hanging on the site November 28, 2005 and we’ll continue accepting requests until December 20, 2005. Christmas in Heaven Don’t forget to send a message to Heaven while you’re there. We are in the process of moving, and we appreciate your patience this time. May the holiday season be as peaceful as possible, Melissa

Dear Ones, In hopes of alleviating any concern that what you are experiencing is somehow abnormal, “crazy” or “wrong,” I’d like to share with you an excerpt from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Mystical Experiences Of all the various ways that grief can express itself, perhaps one of the most unsettling is to experience the presence of a lost loved one— days, weeks or months after the death has occurred. When one so dear to you is gone, it can be very hard to accept that the person is really dead. You may find yourself thinking and dreaming about your loved one much of the time, and it may seem that everything around you is a reminder of the person you have lost. Once in a while you may temporarily forget that your loved one is gone, and you’ll look and listen for him or her—and maybe even think that you’ve seen, heard, smelled or touched the person. Part of you believes your loved one is there, yet the other part of you knows that’s not the case. At some point you may think you’ve received a symbolic communication or message from the person who has died. Some people find this to be very frightening and disorienting, while others find it to be quite helpful and even comforting. In any case, it’s important to know that such experiences are very common and perfectly normal during times of loss. Sometimes as long as a year after the death of a loved one, people will report sensing (hearing, feeling, seeing) the person in the room. They believe the person is there, yet they also know their loved one is dead. They may feel very foolish or embarrassed— they may be very frightened— and they often wonder, "Am I going mad?" No one knows why grief produces such powerful, mystical processes— but we do know that hallucinations, communications, dreams, visions and visitations are a frequent experience of the bereaved. They are by no means abnormal, and they do not forecast a complicated grief reaction. While some people find them distressing, it is generally believed that such mystical grief experiences have great power and personal significance for the griever, and may be an important if not vital part of healing. Suggestions for Coping with Mystical Experiences ∙Make use of your dreams: record them, or share them with someone who will listen but not interpret them for you. Keep in mind that no one is a better expert at interpreting your dreams than you are. [Read a description and review of T.J. Wray's book on this subject, Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us after the Death of a Loved One.] ∙Don’t judge yourself or others who have mystical experiences, and don’t think there’s something wrong with you if you’ve never had them. Grief responses differ from one person to another, and it is normal to experience a wide range of emotions during the grieving process. ∙Don’t worry whether such experiences are real or simply a figment of your imagination. If they bring you comfort, does it really matter? And if such an experience is unpleasant or frightening for you, make certain that you talk to someone who will support you. [source: Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, © 2000 by Marty Tousley, Hospice of the Valley, Phoenix AZ, pp. 22-23.] It may interest you to know that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, noted thanatologist and author of the seminal work On Death and Dying, also recognized such mystical experiences, which she describes as “hauntings.” In her recently published work, On Grief and Grieving, the last book she wrote before her death in 2004, Dr. Kübler-Ross and co-author David Kessler write: It is important to remember that hauntings after the death of a loved one are normal and common. They often bring important messages from the psyche that arise from our inner world of grief. They may even bring fear with them, but they usually are not dangerous. Among the myriad of feelings connected with grief, hauntings contain valuable clues, threads to be followed to their source. They represent unfinished business in some cases and offer great comfort in others . . . Whether or not hauntings are physical realities is irrelevant to the grief process. Anything that comforts or guides you in your grief work is naturally valuable. To spend time questioning the experience is to miss the point ~ and perhaps the gift. [source: On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss, © 2005, Scribner, New York, NY, pp. 57-58] Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Dusky, Your moving tribute to your beloved Jack touches my heart. You are indeed “on the right road,” and we are grateful that your grief journey has led you to this warm and caring place, where you are able to share with the rest of us what is so special about this beautiful person whom you so dearly love. May your precious Jack rest in eternal peace, and may perpetual light shine upon him. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, I just want you to know that, along with all the others who have viewed your posts in this forum, I've read every word of your touching story, and I am so very sorry to learn of all that you have lost. While none of us can take away your pain, I sincerely hope that you'll find some relief in expressing and sharing it this way, and will take some small measure of comfort in knowing that here you are not alone in your sorrow. Your therapist has given you sound advice. To make the process of mourning a healing one you must go through it actively, which means moving through it thoughtfully and working with it deliberately. Expressed grief can be worked with and released, but suppressed grief will torment you in ways you cannot control. Healthy, normal mourning is a long and deliberate process of honestly facing the reality of your loss, coming to terms with its impact on your life, learning to access all available sources for recovery, finding meaning in your loss, and continuing to live productively in the years that follow. It does not matter that you are talking about this with us anonymously, my friend. What matters is that you have found a way to talk about it. By telling your story in such detail here, you are beginning the important work of processing your grief: thinking it through, sorting it out, getting it outside of yourself where you can expose it to the light of day and take a closer look at it. What matters is that you have begun, and we salute you for that. We care deeply about you, my friend, we are here for you, and we stand ready to "hear" whatever it is that you need to say. Please keep writing . . . Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Lori, Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers at this very difficult time. Occasionally people will attend my Pet Grief Support Group, not because their pets have died, but rather because they're missing. These animals may have escaped from their home or yard, run off while traveling with their owners, been taken in by a stranger, or even outright stolen. Whatever the circumstances, because of the uncertainty involved, this experience can be a most devastating kind of loss, in some ways even worse than a death. That's because you have no idea what happened to your cat, whether she is living or dead, suffering or at peace, homeless and wandering as a stray or living with somebody else. The feelings associated with this sort of pet loss are the same as if your cat had died, such as sorrow, longing, denial, anger and guilt. But this grief is also complicated by your own need to keep hope alive, which constantly interrupts or delays the process and makes it far more difficult to resolve. It is like harboring a wound that cannot heal. I'm not sure what if any steps you've already taken to recover your missing cat, but I can offer some suggestions. If you've already done any of this, please forgive me for telling you what you already know. It's just that putting a careful recovery plan in place could make a big difference, especially early on. The following information may be useful for others who may read this, too. Recovery plans for a missing pet would include the following: - Initiate a search. Begin to look in your own neighborhood. Try to think like your cat: check those favorite haunts; look under shrubs and cars. - Rattle some treats in a bag or a dish as you call your cat's name. If you see anyone along the way, inform them of your search. If you need to search a larger area, use a bicycle. If you go by car, ask someone else to drive so you can focus on watching for and calling your cat. - Contact Pets 911, telephone 1-888-PETS911 or on the Internet at www.1888PETS911.org - Contact your local animal control office and describe your cat (type of animal, name, breed, color, size, distinguishing marks if any, and license number if your pet was wearing a collar and tags). - Check with local animal shelters, and be willing to visit them to look for your cat in person, if that is required. - Post "lost cat" signs (with large, readable print) throughout your neighborhood, on all four corners of major streets and intersections, in veterinary offices, pet stores and grooming centers; on community bulletin boards in schools, laundromats, grocery stores and libraries, and anyplace else you can think of. Include the following information: Type of animal (i.e., cat) Breed Brief description (size, sex, color) Your cat's name Location where cat disappeared (nearest cross streets) Phone number where someone can be reached at any time Reward, without specifying the amount Reproduction of your cat's photograph if available - Place a notice in the Lost Pets section of your local newspaper's classified section, and check every day for notices in the Found Pets section. - Alert your neighbors, mail and newspaper carriers. Take your cat's photograph with you and leave a copy of your "lost cat" flyer with them. Enlist the help of neighborhood children, and offer them a reward. - Focus on other pets in the household, if there are any, since they too may be missing their animal companions. - Determine what can be done to prevent such a loss of other animals in the future and take steps to make it happen. - Find someone to talk to, someone with whom you can identify and express all the feelings and emotions associated with this kind of grief: suspense, frustration, pain, sorrow, anger and guilt. - Stay in touch with a pet loss helpline, support group, chat room or message board (such as this one) on the Internet, which offer the care and support of others who understand and can empathize with this most difficult kind of loss. - See also the Missing Pets page on my Grief Healing Web site. I hope this information proves useful to you, Lori. Please don't underestimate how difficult this kind of loss can be. It is a different sort of grief, but it is grief nonetheless, and you ought not feel as if you have to endure it all alone. Please know that we're all thinking of you and wishing you all the best in your efforts to find your beloved Mia. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Samantha, I’m so very sorry to learn of the death of your best friend Elizabeth, and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. It hurts my heart to think that someone actually told you that you “have no clue about death” and that you should “get over it.” A very wise man, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, once said that if one is old enough to love, one is old enough to mourn. Clearly you loved Elizabeth as much as anyone could love a best friend, you are old enough to miss her, and you have every right to mourn your loss of her. As a matter of fact, if you were not grieving this death, Samantha, something would be very, very wrong! When you lose someone you love so much, it is normal to experience a profound sense of loss. Grief is exactly the right response, and all that pain you are feeling is simply your heart telling you how much it hurts. You say you have no one to blame for Elizabeth’s death, “no one except for God.” Did you know that anger is a common reaction to loss, and when someone we love is taken from us, it usually makes us mad, as well as sad? When a death happens, we feel mad because we don’t like what’s happened, we think it’s completely unfair, we're frustrated because we know it’s beyond our control and there is nothing we can do to change it. We are outraged because it is an outrageous thing that has happened to us! We might feel angry at ourselves for something we did or did not do when our loved one was alive, or we may be mad at our loved ones for dying and leaving us here without them. We might also be angry at God. One boy said he was so angry after his little brother died that he “just wanted to slug God!” Even though such feelings are perfectly healthy and normal, we may have been taught to believe that anger is bad or that feeling angry is wrong. We may think that if we become angry at God, then in turn, God will become angry with us. Another very wise man who works with grieving children, Rabbi Earl Grollman, assures us that “It’s okay to scream at God. He can take it.” If anyone can understand the full range of human emotions and our normal reactions to loss, surely it is God! Mad isn’t bad, Samantha, and neither is sad. When you care deeply about someone who dies, it’s normal to feel all sorts of painful emotions. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel your feelings, because you have a very good reason. Since you have access to the Internet, I want to point you to some wonderful places for kids who are grieving. Here a just a few of them: KidsAid: A Site for Kids in Grief Kids Health: Dealing with Feelings How I Coped with Loss (Article by Brett Hardy, Age 14) Activities for Grieving Children I’m so glad that you’ve found your way to this forum, Samantha, but I also hope that you have someone you trust to talk to about all these feelings – that could be a parent, a relative, a neighbor, a teacher, or a pastor. If your mom or dad seem too busy to listen, find another caring adult you can talk to. When you lose someone you love, you might feel lonely or scared as well as sad and mad. If you try to hold all these feelings inside, you can end up feeling even worse than you do now. I certainly want you to feel welcome to come back here and to continue participating in this forum, Samantha, but I also hope you will find someone who cares about you so you can talk “in person” about what you are feeling right now. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Maylissa, dear, I couldn't agree with you more, and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell our visitors more about Rita Reynolds and her amazing work. She is a loving, compassionate woman with a deeply spiritual connection to animals and to people, a gifted writer and a dear friend. She is the founder of Howling Success, an animal sanctuary located in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains near Charlottesville, Virginia. She is currently establishing a community hospice program for animals and their human families. Rita is the founder and editor of laJoie, The Journal in Appreciation of All Animals, and I too am a longtime subscriber. Described as "a quarterly publication dedicated to promoting appreciation for all beings through education, adoption/sponsorship and inter-support programs," the journal is published by laJoie and Company, P.O. Box 145, Batesville, VA 22924, Web site Blessing the Bridge, e-mail lajoieco1@aol.com. An excerpt from Rita's book appears on the Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page of my Web site; you can access it directly by clicking on Euthanasia: The Merciful Release. Read Amazon's description and reviews of her book by clicking on Blessing the Bridge: What Animals Teach Us about Death, Dying and Beyond Marty T

My dear Walt, Lord Buckley once observed that the real flowers of life are the people we come to know. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your gentle and continuous tending to those who have come into our garden. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear DB, I'm sure that Eliza will respond to your question too, but I thought you might also want to take a look at the Animal Communicators / Alternative Healing page of my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find links to many such resources. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, Reading your posts in these forums is like reading beautiful poetry. You have a unique and lovely way of expressing yourself, and on behalf of all of us here, I want to thank you for sharing your special gift with the rest of us. Wishing you peace and continued healing, Marty T

My dear Beth, We are, every single one of us, so very sorry that it is the tragic, accidental death of your precious son Thomas that brings you to this forum, and you have our deepest sympathy. The questions you've asked in your other post are important ones: Why did this happen? Why did your precious son lose his life just as it was starting? Why are you still here? Why should you get up everyday? What are you supposed to look forward to? Will you ever be happy again? We may not have all the answers for you, Beth, but we respect and honor your right to ask such questions, and we will be right here beside you as you struggle to make some sense of all of this and as you work toward finding the answers. I know that kind and caring others will be reading your words and soon will be sharing their thoughts and experiences with you in this forum. I simply wanted to greet you with loving arms, to welcome you to this warm and compassionate place, and to assure you that you are not alone. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, You are not alone in wondering “how we will manage through the holidays.” Getting through any given day is difficult enough when you are grieving, but coping with all those special days such as birthdays, anniversaries and holidays is especially challenging for the bereaved. It may help you to know that many wonderful and helpful articles have been written to help those who are grieving get through those special days. I’ve assembled links to several of them on my Grief Healing Web site; just click on Coping with the Holidays ~ Articles and follow the links you'll see listed there. In addition, many hospices offer special workshops in the months of November and December to help survivors get through the holiday season. The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States. To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Find a Hospice Program. Perhaps the best way to get through family celebrations is to find a way to include our loved ones who have died, or to do something that will honor their memory and the important role they played in our lives. It is what Elaine Stillwell calls “singing their song”: Remembering Them “If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing.” We have to find that special way that will allow us to sing our loved one’s song loud and clear. It could be by volunteering at our neighborhood school, delivering meals on wheels, sponsoring a canine pet, taking the handicapped on a day’s outing, working to improve the environment, teaching flower arranging at the old folks’ home, sponsoring scholarships for college, camp, music, art education, dance or sports clinics; funding special hospital equipment or library book collections, or being a hospital or nursing home volunteer. We all answer a special need from the sacred center of our heart that connects us with our loved one. We might wish to establish a charitable foundation which services many requests for help, to fund equipment for local sports teams, to sponsor special concerts, speakers or lecture series in our community, to participate in youth, scouting, senior citizen or religious education programs. We might devote our time to working with a bereavement support group, give our energies to further the work of Cancer Care, Heart Fund, MADD, Organ Donation, Suicide Prevention, Make a Wish Foundation, or local Hot Line; or we might wish to work ardently for improving “killer roads,” a faulty court system, or melanoma awareness. Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one’s memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joys to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory. Source: Elaine Stillwell, in “Singing Their Song,” Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4, p. 24 Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T