MartyT

Dear Friend, I am filled with sadness to learn of your tragic loss of your soul-mate, this woman you married barely four months ago who died too soon at the age of 46. As I read your story I am reminded of a poem that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane traveling west, crossing the date line again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss still lies ahead, and you are here instead of sorrow. — Nessa Rapoport, in A Woman's Book of Grieving The feelings you describe so vivdly – pain, sorrow, abandonment, loneliness, hopelessness and despair – are so very normal, especially at this early point in your grief journey. You say that nothing anyone says seems to help right now, and I’m sure that is true. The bitter fact is that no matter what others say to you, no matter how caring and sensitive their words may be, there is nothing anyone can say that will give you what your heart really wants and needs – and that is to have your wife back. But that is not to be, and coming to terms with this awful, unspeakable reality cannot be achieved overnight. It’s way too big and too painful to take in all at once. Of course it is discouraging when others tell you this is what you can expect for the next several months or years. I think it’s more accurate to say that while the acute, gut-wrenching pain you’re feeling now will lessen in intensity over time, it will never go away completely. Maybe it will help if you think of it this way: Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry or sneezing when your nose itches. It's nature's way of healing a broken heart. A cut finger is numb before it bleeds. It bleeds before it hurts. It hurts until it begins to heal. It forms a scab and itches until finally, the scab is gone and a small scar is left where once there was a wound. Grief is the deepest wound you will ever have. Like a cut finger, it goes through stages and leaves a scar. When you try to help someone heal from their pain, chances are you are probably healing yourself. Listen to the words within your own heart. — Patti Filion, The Compassionate Friends Nothing the good people on this site can say will take away your pain or bring back your wife to you, my friend, but if you'll permit us to walk beside you, we hope to persuade you that you need not travel this difficult path alone. Wishing you peace and healing,

My dear friend, Your message has been sitting here all by itself for quite some time now, and I want to thank you for having the courage to “break the ice” and post the very first message in the Teens Talking to Teens Forum. Although I’m considerably older than you and my circumstances are different from yours, I don’t want to stand back any longer in hopes that another brave teen will find your message and respond to it. I am struck by your comment that as you passed the sixth-month mark of your father’s death, you found yourself beginning to feel very sad a lot of the time. I don't know what your experience was at the time of your dad's death, and I don't know how you've been dealing with it ever since, but there are certain things I would want any grieving teenager to know, so I am going to share them with you now – and with others who’ll read this message. First, grief is best dealt with when you are able to show your emotional pain, talk with others and express your feelings about a loved one's death, and accept support from family and friends. I don't know what your relationship is like with your mom, but at your age (as a teen learning to separate from authority figures and find your own identity), it would be very normal for you to feel somewhat alienated from adults. That's why most teens normally turn to their peers for support. At the same time, they don't like to stand out and to feel different from their friends – they want to belong. I can tell you that grieving teens do best when they're helped to find peers who've also experienced a death. They're often very relieved to discover they're not the only ones who've had someone close to them die. I also want you to know that it is never too late to do the work of grieving. Grief doesn't "go" anywhere – it just sits there, waiting for us to deal with it. If you feel as if you still have work to do in this regard, I would encourage you to find someone you trust (a teacher, school counselor, neighbor, friend, relative, clergy person, etc.) and with whom you feel comfortable talking. Just as you did in the message posted here, talk about this wonderful person who died and what was special about your dad. Tell about your experience with the death itself: where you were when the death occurred, what happened right afterward and what you're experiencing right now. Share any dreams you may have had about your dad. Write a letter to your dad and say whatever you need to say. Gather pictures, words and phrases from magazines and make a collage that tells a story about what you remember about him. Call your local hospice and ask if there are any support groups or programs in your community aimed at teens who've lost a parent. (See Find A Hospice Program to search a data base that contains all the hospices in your geographic area.) Go on the Internet and find some of the other sites that offer information, comfort and support to teens who are grieving. See especially these and other sites listed on the CHILD/ADOLESCENT GRIEF page on my Grief Healing Web site: The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Teens Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief KIDSAID: 2 Kids, 4 Kids, By Kids When A Parent Dies Learn what normal grief looks like and feels like, so you'll know that what you're experiencing is normal and that you're not alone. Think about what you need from others right now and let them know about it. People won't know what you need from them unless you tell them. You also need to know that grief changes through the years. It will change you as well, influencing who you are in the present and affecting who you'll become in the future. This death of your father must be worked through, adapted to, and integrated into your life, as different situations will require you to accommodate this loss again and again. You will re-visit your dad's death continually as you grapple with its meaning— emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually— and as you struggle to find a place for your dad in your present and future life. Finally, know that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The special bond you have with your father will stay with you just as long as you keep his memory alive in your mind and in your heart. He will always be your dad and you will always be his daughter. In a very real sense, your dad is very much here with you now, wherever you are, because his spirit and his memory live on in you, and because you are so very much a part of him. In many ways, you are more inseparable now than you were before, because you are not limited by space and time and distance. I'm so glad you found your way to this special place, my friend, and I hope this information proves useful to you. Please accept our deepest sympathy over the loss of your father, and know that we are thinking of you. And to any other teens who may one day come across this message, please know that you are most welcome here as well. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

I'm so very sorry for the circumstances that bring any one of our visitors to this place, but it warms my heart to know that the two of you have found each other here. The most authentic comfort you can find will come from those who visit here, because we're all traveling the same difficult journey. If we must be on this path, let us make our way a little easier by joining hands and helping one another along the way. Remember that it won't always feel this bad. Somehow it does change. It does get better. At the moment, take heart from those around you who want to care for you and be present for you in your distress. They don't always know how, they don't always do it right, but they try. Sorrow is a matter of taking turns. This year, it's yours. Next year, it might be you setting the table for someone else who feels that they cannot cope. -- Deidre Felton, Bereavement Magazine, November/December 2000 Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Nili, I'm so sorry about the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved cat Joey, and I can only imagine how empty your home and your life must feel without the physical presence of your beloved companion in it. It's important that you understand that the grief you're feeling is a normal response to the loss of someone you love. How you react to the loss of Joey depends not only on the circumstances of his death, but also on how attached you were to him, on your relationship with him, and on the role that he played in your life. It's only natural that, when you lose someone you love as much as you loved Joey, you feel the overwhelming pain of loss. No matter who or what we love, the greater the love, the worse the pain feels when we lose the object of our love. The circumstances of your kitty's death suggest to me that you may be feeling very angry at yourself for whatever part you think you may have played in his being run over by a car. But at a time like this it's important to remember that you did not intentionally set out to bring any harm to your beloved Joey. Like all the rest of us, you are human, terrible accidents do happen, and there isn't any way you could have foreseen what was going to happen to him. Anger is a powerful emotion that can be frightening, but feeling angry doesn't necessarily imply that you'll lose control or take your anger out unfairly on others. But before you can get through it, let go of the intense emotions attached to it and move on, your anger must be admitted, felt and expressed, if only to yourself. Keep in mind that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. What really matters is what you do with what you're feeling. When you simply acknowledge feelings of anger to yourself or to a trusted other without actually doing anything about them, no harm is done, to you or to anyone else. On the other hand, if you suppress it and hold on to it, eventually you may explode, turn it inward and get depressed, or aim it at innocent others. You can find healthy ways to discharge the energy of your anger through physical exercise, writing and talking. Feelings aren't always rational or accurate, either. Feeling guilty about the circumstances surrounding your cat's death doesn't mean that you are, in fact, an uncaring, irresponsible pet owner. As I'm sure you know, one of the most wonderful things about our animal companions (unlike humans!) is that they love us unconditionally, they are forgiving of all our human faults, and they never, ever hold a grudge against us. If anyone knew how much he was loved by you throughout the years of his life, surely it was your precious Joey. In the end, there is nothing I can say to erase the load of guilt that you may be carrying around with you, Nili. The only one who can forgive you is yourself. Guilt is one of the most common reactions in loss -- in situations such as this, it is only human nature to feel guilt for what you may have done or failed to do. If after examining all the facts you decide that you should have done things differently in this case, then the only thing you can do at this point is to learn from your mistake and promise yourself that if you are ever presented with the exact same set of circumstances again, you will do things differently next time. A sudden, unexpected death like this can teach some valuable lessons about how fragile and temporary life is, and that if we have something to say to someone we had better say it now, because we may never get the chance again to say it. Can you let this be one of Joey's legacies to you -- one of the precious life lessons you can take from this tragic loss? Are there any other lessons here that you may need to learn? Take some time to think about all of this. It is one of the most important tasks in mourning: to find meaning in this loss. In any event, Nili, there is nothing you can do now to go back and change what has already been done. Instead, to cope with the guilt you feel, you might try to find some way to communicate with Joey's spirit and ask for his forgiveness. That may be by meditating, by writing him a letter and saying all you need to say to him, by finding a quiet place and lighting a candle and speaking to him in your mind -- whatever way you choose is up to you. You might also make the effort to find a pet loss support group, and continue using a message board such as this one, so you can talk with others whose experiences may be similar to your own. Sometimes sharing our story enables us to unburden ourselves and to obtain the absolution we may need from others. None of us is perfect; we are all human, we've all made mistakes and we've all done things about which we feel guilty. The point of all of this is to find some way to forgive yourself, to apologize and make amends to the one you believe you have harmed, to learn from your mistake and to move on. That's the only way you will heal from this loss. Guilt and anger can eat you alive unless you find someone to talk to about your feelings, someone who will help you look at the situation more objectively -- is there anyone you can talk to who understands the relationship you had with Joey, who understands the mourning process and will listen to you without judging you? I don't know if there are any pet loss services in your area, but since you have access to a computer, you might try visiting some of the wonderful sites on line that offer comfort and support to those who've lost a cherished animal. I hope that you will spend some time reading some of the articles I've posted on my own Grief Healing web site, because the more you understand about the normal grief process, the less "crazy" you will feel, the more you will know what to expect and the better able you will be to handle your own reactions to your kitty’s death. (Simply go to my Articles and Books page. Wait for the entire page to load, then scroll down the page till you come to the "Articles" section, then follow the directions to find "Articles by Marty Related to Pet Loss and Grieving". Hit the down arrow to view a drop-down list of title choices, then hit the "Go to Article" button to bring up the one you want to read.). On my Pet Loss Links page, you can follow some of the links to many other wonderful pet loss sites as well. Another option is to subscribe to an online e-mail course I've written on pet loss; if you're interested, you can get a sense of it at Pet Loss: A Different Grief. You might also go to the library or your local bookstore (or to Amazon.com) to find and read the accounts of others who have been through similar experiences — such accounts will reassure you that you are normal, will give you some idea of what's ahead and what you can expect in grief, and can give you hope that you can survive this loss. There are also pet loss telephone helplines such as that sponsored by the Companion Animal Association of Arizona (602-995-5885). For a state-by-state guide to support groups, pet loss counselors and helplines, see Moira Anderson Allen's Pet Loss Support Page. I hope this information proves helpful to you, Nili, and I hope you'll find the comfort and support you're seeking. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Faye, I'm so sorry that you’ve experienced so many losses in your family in the last two years: the apparent disappearance of your brother, the death of your best friend, the death of your mother and, most recently the death of another brother – I can only imagine how overwhelmed and traumatized you must feel. It's not surprising to me that, because you've been hit with one significant loss after another, probably with little opportunity to process each of them separately and individually, you now find yourself in what I would certainly call grief overload. Grief is like that – if we can't give it the attention it demands at the time of our loss, it doesn't "go" anywhere, and it doesn't get resolved – it simply goes underground and waits for us to take care of it. And sooner or later, out it comes, just as if any or all of these losses had happened yesterday. As soon as we are hit with just one more loss, or even the anniversary of a past loss, it is not at all uncommon for that event to trigger all the grief reactions we've been suppressing for a very long time – like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. This is not "going out of your mind" or "having a nervous breakdown" – it is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. Since your losses have come so recently and so close together, I would expect that you are still in a state of shock and disbelief, not even ready to begin the work of grieving. That's not necessarily a bad thing – denying the reality of what is happening can be nature's way of cushioning all those blows because they are way too much for you to take in all at once, and it's the only way you can continue to function on a daily basis right now. It may even feel as if you must take a defensive posture, keeping yourself in a state of heightened alert to guard against the next onslaught of very bad news that surely must be waiting just around the corner. Certainly when one of your siblings dies, it brings home to you that if it can happen to your own brother, then surely it can happen to you, too. With all of this going on, with all your family gone, with your assumptive world turned completely upside down while everyone around you carries on as if nothing has changed – is it any wonder that you’re asking, “What’s the point?” You say you’ve gone to bereavement groups but everyone there had family, which only served to emphasize how isolated and alone you feel. Even so, it’s important that you have someone to talk to about all of this, Faye, so that your feelings about each of these losses can be explored, expressed, worked through and released – that could be a trusted relative, friend, neighbor, clergy person or counselor. There are all kinds of resources "out there" in your own community – you just have to make the effort to pick up your telephone and ask for the help that you need. If one support group didn’t work for you, don't give up on all such groups. Keep looking for one that feels right to you. Every group is as different as the people making up the group. As overwhelmed as you feel, you are in need of support, comfort and understanding, and I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself. You say there’s no one to talk to where you live, but since you have access to the Internet, you really do have a world of support at your fingertips. At the very least, I encourage you to do some reading about grief so you'll have a better sense of what normal grief looks and feels like, as well as what you can do to manage your own reactions. This alone can be very reassuring, because you'll discover what to expect in the weeks and months ahead and what you can do to help yourself. See the listings on my Articles and Books page for suggestions. Another alternative is to subscribe to an online e-mail course I've written; you can get a sense of it at First Year of Grief Course Overview I'd also like to direct you to some other resources online that may be helpful to you. If you go to the Links: Bereavement and Loss Sites page on my Web site and look under the categories labeled DEATH OF A PARENT and DEATH OF A SIBLING I think you will find some very helpful sources of information. Please don't underestimate the impact of each of these losses you've endured, Faye; any one of them is significant, but when they are cumulative they can lead to a complicated grief reaction. You say that your friends are “dropping out like flies.” Unfortunately, as you have discovered, unless they’ve personally experienced the loss of a loved one, most people in our culture aren’t very good at knowing what to say or do for the bereaved – and of course, as you well know, in the end there is nothing anyone can say that will change how you are feeling in the face of your own losses. I have a suggestion for you that I’ve used in some of my support groups. By way of helping others understand how you feel, you might consider re-printing the following letter and giving it to certain of your family and friends: My Dear Family and Friends, I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I am having because of this loss. I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering. I may become angry without there seeming to be a reason for it. My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times. I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need. Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year. Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith is not an excuse from the process of grief. If you, by chance, have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But, I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again. Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure. Sincerely, Please know, Faye that we are thinking of you, and when you feel ready to do so, I hope you will return to this Discussion Group to let us know how you are doing. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Natascha, dear, I'm so very sorry -- my heart goes out to you as you travel along this very difficult journey. I want to share with you a piece that appears on my Web site's Comfort for Grieving Hearts page, because I think it captures so beautifully what you're feeling, and I hope it will help you feel some of the comfort and understanding you're seeking: The Agony of Grief Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped. Grief means not being able to read more than two sentences at a time. It is walking into rooms with intention that suddenly vanishes. Grief is three o'clock in the morning sweats that won't stop. It is dreadful Sundays, Mondays that are no better. It makes you look for a face in the crowd, knowing full well the face we want cannot be found in that crowd. Grief is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind and makes room for the phantasmagoric. It makes you suddenly get up and leave in the middle of a meeting, without saying a word. Grief makes what others think of you moot. It shears away the masks of normal life and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth before propriety can stop you. It shoves away friends, scares away so-called friends, and rewrites address books for you. Grief makes you laugh at people who cry over spilled milk, right to their faces. It tells the world that you are untouchable at the very moment when touch is the only contact that might reach you. It makes lepers out of upstanding citizens. Grief discriminates against no one. It kills. Maims. And cripples. It is the ashes from which the phoenix rises, and the mettle of rebirth. It returns life to the living dead. It teaches that there is nothing absolutely true or untrue. It assures the living that we know nothing for certain. It humbles. It shrouds. It blackens. It enlightens. Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making. — Stephanie Ericsson in Companion Through The Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief Thinking of you tonight, and wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Hi Frannie, I've never used those little faces, but your post inspired me to try I think all you have to do is to place your cursor where you want the face, then go over to the left where it says "clickable smiles" and just click on one. Then go down to the base of your message box and be sure you've clicked on "Do you wish to enable emoticons for this post?" I think if you don't have a green check mark in that box, the "emoticons" (better known to the rest of us as smiley faces) won't appear in your message. I hope that helps, Frannie! Love and hugs, Marty PS And I love your sense of humor! (Am I overdoing it now? )

My dear Ally, My heart just aches for you -- but I'm so glad you came back to our Group to let all of us know how you are doing. Please read the message I posted to you just above this one, in the Behaviors in Bereavement Forum (Topic: Is This Normal). There is nothing we can say to take away this stabbing pain in your heart, Ally -- but we can tell you that you are not alone. We are here for you, and our thoughts and prayers are with you always. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

The feelings you describe so vividly are all part of a normal reaction to loss, and as you’ve already discovered, the fact that you were divorced from this man at the time of his death does not diminish those feelings in any way. I don't know all the circumstances of your divorce or whether you and your ex-husband had resolved the death of your marriage, but I can assure you that the reactions you’re having now (anger, guilt, sadness, hurt, “just plain pain”) are not at all unusual when an ex-spouse dies. Your role in this situation is ambiguous at best. You are no longer married to this man, but he is still the father of your children and your relationship with him is still significant, if only for that reason alone. Because you have no legal access to this man’s medical information, you may not feel fully informed about the nature and circumstances of his death. I don’t know if you attended his funeral, but even if you did, you may have felt left out or very out of place. As you have observed, in a situation such as this, others (including your own mother) don’t know what to say or how to respond, they may not be very helpful or supportive, and they may say some very insensitive things to you. Since you cannot publicly mourn this death without explaining your divorce, you may be reluctant to seek spiritual support. If you're employed outside your home, certainly your employer will not give you time off from work to process this, which only adds to your sense of disenfranchisement, as if you have no "right" or reason to grieve this loss. How your sons react to the death of their dad will depend on their ages, coping styles, relationship with the non-custodial parent before and after the divorce, and their response to the divorce itself. They are in a difficult position too: if they mourn the death of their dad, they may feel disloyal to you – and if they do not mourn, they may feel guilty for not feeling or expressing their loss. If your sons are harboring any negative feelings about the divorce, you may be the target of those feelings, too. I say all of this to you in an effort to help you recognize that a real loss in fact has occurred here, and it is normal for you to be reacting with real grief. Certainly not every ex-spouse will experience the same reactions; there are many variables that will shape anyone's response to loss. Nevertheless, since typically ex-spouses have such limited social, familial and spiritual support, you may find it very helpful to vent your feelings in the supportive and nonjudgmental environment that a grief support group or a few sessions with a bereavement counselor would provide. I certainly understand your concern for your sons, but keep in mind that the best way you can help your boys with their grief is for you to take care of your own grief too. So I hope you will consider contacting your local library, hospice, mortuary, church or synagogue to see what bereavement support services are available in your community – for you as well as for your sons. You are not alone; there is good help "out there" just waiting for you to find it. Because I think it will be of interest to you as well as to anyone else who reads this message, I’m also attaching (in Word format) an informative and relevant article by Ken Doka entitled, “Grief: Coping with Hidden Sorrow.” Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T GriefCopingWithHiddenSorrow.doc

Dear Friend, We’re so sorry to learn of the death of your wife six months ago. You are so young to be dealing with such a devastating loss, and we salute you in your efforts to find the support you need at this sad and difficult time. Please know that we are thinking of you and sending you our heartfelt sympathy, and please know that you are not alone. You will always be welcome here. There are many, many grief support groups in the Phoenix area; you need only contact the Bereavement Office of Hospice of the Valley (at 602-530-6970 or 6971) and speak to Mara or Cory – either of these lovely ladies will be able to help you find what you’re seeking. See also Hospice of the Valley Counseling and Support Services for a complete listing. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Greg, My heart aches for you as I read of the tragic death of your wife, and I can only imagine how horrible this must be for you. I want to assure you that the guilt, sadness and anger you are feeling are normal reactions in grief, and most especially so when the death is sudden, violent and complicated by the circumstances you describe. Losing the one you love so dearly, and in such an unthinkable manner, is so very difficult to accept and to understand – and learning to live with it is a process that takes place not just over time, but over an entire lifetime. This is just too big to take in all at once and way too big for you to digest. You must let it in a little bit at a time over a very long period, as eventually your mind comes to accept what your heart cannot. You will spend a lifetime struggling to come to terms with the "why" of this tragedy, and there will never be an answer that completely satisfies or makes sense to you – but as you travel the difficult journey ahead, there are some things you can do to help yourself. As a survivor of homicide, you can learn as much as you can about the subject. You can read what others have written about it (see, for example, the excellent book by Bill Jenkins, What to Do When the Police Leave; you can go to Amazon.com to order it or ask for it at your local library). See also Bill’s insightful Web site, Homicide: Resources for Death, Grief and Survivors of Homicide. You can visit other Web sites devoted to this subject as well, such as Gateway to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Information. See the links listed under the TRAUMATIC LOSS category on the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site for other helpful resources. Such sites will assure you that you are not alone in this tragedy, will offer you some ways to manage your grief, and will help you to recognize that if others can survive this most devastating of losses, then you can do it, too. Please know that we all are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts, Greg. We cannot take away your pain, but we will not let you bear it all alone. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Welcome, Connie – I’m glad you found us, but I have a suggestion. You might want to post your next message in a different forum in this Discussion Group, as each forum serves to group visitors’ messages into separate categories that will attract people with similar experiences. Since you posted in the Tributes and Remembrances section, I’m just afraid that fewer visitors will read your message, and you’ll be less likely to get the support you need and deserve. May I suggest that you try posting your next message in the Loss of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other forum instead? That said, I want you to know how terribly sorry I am to learn of the tragic death of your husband four months ago. I can only imagine how horrible this must be for you and the rest of your family, and even though there is nothing I can do to take away your pain, I hope that I can offer you some useful information. Suicide is one of the most difficult and painful ways to lose someone you love, because you are left with so many unanswerable questions and so many mixed feelings: How could your loved one do such a horrible thing to you? Where do you put all the anger, guilt and frustration that you feel? What more could you have done to help? How can you ever get past the shame and embarrassment you feel when others find out what happened, and seem all too quick to judge you for not foreseeing this and for not doing enough to prevent it? It may help for you to know that anger and guilt are the two most common reactions in grief, and most especially so when the death is by suicide. Anger at God is very normal too. If you are like most suicide survivors, you may be wondering whether your husband is united with God or forever alienated from Him. I am neither a cleric nor a spiritual advisor, so I wouldn't presume to tell you what to believe in this regard – but as a bereavement counselor I can assure you that, when we lose someone we love, it is perfectly normal for us to question all the spiritual beliefs we may have held since childhood. Death forces us to puzzle over the biggest questions in life: Why are we here? Is this all there is? Where do we go when we die? What does all of this mean? I encourage you to ponder these important questions -- and know that finding your own personal meaning in this loss is one of the most important tasks that lie ahead of you, as you come to terms with your husband's suicide. For whatever reason, your husband obviously believed that life in this world was just too much for him, and at the moment he took his own life, he saw suicide as his only option, as the only way to end the emotional pain he felt. If as mere human beings, you and I can see the tragedy in that and forgive your husband for being human and at his weakest, it just seems to me that God can do so, too. I can't tell you what to believe, but I'd like to think that, since God's heart and mind are a lot bigger than ours, He must be at least as capable as we are of giving your husband the sort of understanding and forgiveness he needs. I also hope you realize that when someone is determined to commit this act, there is very little if anything someone else can do to prevent it. We simply do not have any control over the choices and actions of another human being, no matter how much we may wish it to be otherwise. For reasons known only to him, your husband acted on an impulse and, as someone once said, his suicide became for him a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Unfortunately, you are the one who is left behind to deal with the pain and hurt and guilt that have resulted from his action. There is no right or wrong way to do the work of grieving, and each of us must find our own way – but I believe very strongly that the first step in coping with grief is to educate yourself about it, so you know what to expect and what tools are available to help you manage it. It is especially important that as a survivor of suicide, you learn all you can about this particular subject. Read what others have written about it (see, for example, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Death of a Loved One by Carla Fine, ISBN 0385485514; you can go to Amazon.com to order it or ask for it at your local library). I hope that you will continue to use the Internet as one way of obtaining the information, comfort and support you need and deserve as you continue on your own grief journey. See, for example, an on-line e-mail course on grief that I wrote, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Take the time to explore some of the links I've posted under the SUICIDE LOSS category on the Links: Bereavement and Loss Sites page on my Grief Healing Web site. See some of the articles and books I've written and others I've listed on my Articles and Books page. There is an abundance of help out there just waiting for you to find it – and if you haven't yet obtained all the help you need, keep on looking! You might ask your primary care physician for a referral to someone who specializes in grief therapy or bereavement counseling – or try calling your local hospice or funeral home and asking for a referral. Grief is something that we get through and learn to live with, Connie, not something we ever get over. Death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship. The bond you have with your husband will remain with you as long as you choose to keep his memory alive in your heart. Always remember that your husband's entire life was much more than those few final moments when he chose to take his own life. I promise that the day will come when the good memories you have of him will outweigh the bad. As anyone walking this path will tell you, the way you come to peace about all of this is one day at a time, and if that's too much, you work at it one hour or even one minute at a time. I hope this information proves helpful to you, Connie, and when you're ready to do so, I hope you'll let us know how you're doing. Meanwhile, please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Penny, How unfortunate and how sad that certain others have chastised you for not being “over it” by now. As you so beautifully said, “the reality of life doesn’t change” simply because nearly two years have passed since your husband died. I’m reminded of a poignant piece by Anna Quindlen that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Grief remains one of the few things that has the power to silence us. It is a whisper in the world and a clamor within. More than sex, more than faith, even more than its usher death, grief is unspoken, publicly ignored except for those few moments at the funeral that are over too quickly, or the conversations among the cognoscenti, those of us who recognize in one another a kindred chasm deep in the center of who we are. Maybe we do not speak of it because death will mark all of us, sooner or later. Or maybe it is unspoken because grief is only the first part of it. After a time it becomes something less sharp but larger, too, a more enduring thing called loss. Perhaps that is why this is the least explored passage: because it has no end. The world loves closure, loves a thing that can, as they say, be gotten through. This is why it comes as a great surprise to find that loss is forever, that two decades after the event there are those occasions when something in you cries out at the continual presence of an absence. I also want to acknowledge and support your efforts to continue your relationship with your husband, in your case by writing letters to him. So often we torture ourselves with the mistaken belief that we must sever the bonds we have with our loved ones who have died. As Thomas Attig says, “The heart of grief, its most difficult challenge, is not ‘letting go’ of those who have died, but instead making the transition from loving in presence to loving in separation” ( in The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love, Oxford University Press, NY, ISBN 0195156250). There is a great deal of wisdom and truth in your words, and I want to thank you for having the courage to post a message on this board, despite your initial reluctance to do so. As a more seasoned traveler on this path, you have a great deal to offer others who’ve just begun this journey of grief, and I hope you’ll come back from time to time to share what you have learned. You will always be most welcome here. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

I’m so glad you found your way to this site and this forum, Rich – although I also want you to know how very sorry we all are to learn of the tragic circumstances that led you to be searching for us in the first place. I’m struck by how harshly you are judging yourself and your progress in your grief journey, when it’s been barely seven months since suddenly, unexpectedly, in a manner too horrible to imagine, you lost the love of your life, and in a single instant your entire assumptive world was turned upside down. The life you knew and planned to have in the future was forever changed that day – is it any wonder that you’re still having difficulty now? I want you to know that the feelings and reactions you describe are normal reactions to losing your soul mate, the love and warmth of your life. Of course you “still haven’t fully accepted it.” Grief is a very long process, not a single event – and when a loss is of this magnitude, it becomes a lifelong process. I don’t mean to suggest that you will be writhing in agony for the rest of your life – experience teaches us that gradually and over a very long period of time, the unbearable pain you feel now eventually will lose its heat and its intensity, but you will never, ever heal completely from this horrible, devastating wound. The scar will remain with you forever, and you will never stop missing what you’ve lost. Does a person who’s lost an eye or an arm or a leg ever “get over it” and stop missing that vital body part? And would you expect such a person to be completely healed and rehabilitated a mere seven months after sustaining such a life-altering injury? You say you have little interest in things except for gardening, because it was something you used to love doing together with your wife. Give yourself credit for maintaining that interest, and bathe yourself in the wonderful memories it evokes. You say that while you’re at work you have trouble concentrating on the tasks at hand. Give yourself credit for mustering the energy to get to work in the first place, and take comfort in knowing that, even though you’re not at your best right now, you won’t feel this way forever. You say that unless friends and relatives haven’t experienced the sudden, unexpected death of a spouse, they cannot really relate to how you feel. Give yourself credit for searching until you found this place, where others do understand and are ready and willing to listen to your story. In short, Rich, give yourself credit for doing the best you can under the most difficult and trying circumstances, and give yourself time to endure, adjust to, and come to terms with this most devastating of losses. The passage of time will not heal your grief. Time is neutral; it’s what you do with this grieving time that will help you heal. Use this time to do some reading about grief – it will help to reassure you that your reactions are normal, and it can prepare you for what to expect in the weeks and months ahead. I invite you to visit my Grief Healing Web site and spend some time exploring all the helpful pages there – and please keep coming back here. We are here for you, and we won’t let you walk this grief journey all by yourself. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

As I read the messages posted here, my heart hurts, and I can feel it breaking into pieces. Please accept my deepest condolences, and know that I am thinking of each and every one of you. I too am a bereaved mother, and I know too well the empty ache in your arms, the choking lump in your throat, the searing pain in your stomach, the smothering weight on your chest, the indescribable agony . . . there are no words . . . To lose a child is an unspeakable horror, but to have it happen on Mother's Day . . . I cannot imagine what the notion of "Mother's Day" will mean to each of you, now and for all the Mother's Days to come. Forgive me . . . tonight I have no words . . . Please know that I am holding each of you in my prayers and in my heart. In sorrow and with love, Marty T

Like all the other animal lovers who’ve read your story, Becka, I’m deeply saddened and sorry to learn that you’ve lost both of your beloved animal friends, so suddenly, so unexpectedly, and so close together. I know that the love you received from these two precious little creatures was special – complete, uncomplicated, unconditional – and I’m sure you were just as attached to them as they were to you. It is because of that deep love and attachment that you are feeling the pain of grief right now. You wouldn’t feel this bad about losing Sandy and Teddy if you hadn’t loved them as much as you did while they were here with you. The strength of the feelings you’re having now is a measure of the value of what you have lost. As the saying goes, grief is the price we pay for love. I’m so pleased to know that your grandmother is there for you and willing to listen to whatever you need to say about all of this. It’s important that, in addition to posting on this Pet Loss Forum, you have a safe place to feel, to show and to talk about your pain, and to ask your questions as you come to terms with these losses – questions such as, “Why did Sandy and Teddy have to die? Why now? Where do pets go when they die? Are Sandy and Teddy together now? Will I ever see them again? Do pets go to Heaven?” Your grandmother may not have all the answers to your questions – and sometimes there just aren’t any satisfactory answers to puzzling questions like these – but it’s still important that you ask them and you have someone who will puzzle over them with you. It’s also helpful for you to think about, talk about, write and / or draw about what was special about Sandy and Teddy, and to think of all the ways that you can remember them. Maybe with your mom or your grandmother you could plant a tree, or a shrub or a rose bush or a flower garden, in your pets’ honor. You could put a photo album or a scrapbook together, or fill a memory box with a few of your pets' toys and treasured objects. You could write a story or a poem about them and post it on a Web site. (As an example, go to the “Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers” page on my Grief Healing Web site, and read the poem that 11-year-old Katy Riley wrote about her dog Max, at A Poem for Max.) Even though Sandy and Teddy are no longer here with you in a physical way, they will always be tucked somewhere safely in that special place you’ve created for them in your heart – and they will be with you in spirit just as long as you keep their memories alive. Do whatever you can to memorialize, honor and remember them, and I promise you that one day you will find that all the good memories you have of your beloved Sandy and Teddy will replace the awful feelings you are having right now. You might not think that you will ever love another animal as much as you loved Sandy and Teddy, and you might think that you’ll never, ever want to take the chance again of loving and losing yet another cherished pet – but that would be a very big mistake, because you would be cutting yourself off from all the warm and wonderful ways that these dear animal friends can enrich your life and bring joy to your heart. Of course there is no way to replace the loved ones you have lost, and certainly you wouldn’t want to get a new pet before you’re finished with your grief at losing Sandy and Teddy, or before you even want or feel a need to give your love to another pet. But there are so many unwanted puppies and dogs and cats and kitties and bunnies and Guinea pigs and horses and goats and birds and Heaven-knows-what-else out there who need animal lovers like you to want them and care for them and love them, Becka. Don’t let this experience rob you of your love for animals and your need to have them in your life. What you are learning now is that death and loss are natural parts of living. You're discovering that nothing lasts forever, that every living thing goes through a natural process, with a beginning and an ending, with living in between. You're learning that because most pets have shorter life spans than we humans do, sooner or later we’ll all experience the death of our beloved companion animals, and sooner or later we’ll all be feeling the grief that you are feeling now. Harsh as it is, grief is a fact of life, it’s part of being human, and it happens whenever we lose someone we love. But grief also helps us become more sensitive to others who are hurting, because now we know first-hand how it feels to lose a loved one. And it teaches us to cherish those we love, to let them know right now how much we love them. My prayer for you, Becka, is that slowly but surely your broken heart will begin to heal, and if you remain open to the possibility, the time will come when you’ll feel strong enough to love again, and you’ll feel ready to welcome another pet or two into your life. Until that day, please know that you are more than welcome here. Those you will meet here are animal lovers, too. We’ve all been where you are now, we know how much it hurts, and we want you to know that you are not alone. We care about you, we are here for you, and we are holding you in our hearts. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Friend, Although I’m not an expert in dream analysis or interpretation, as a grief counselor I do want to assure you that you are not “going crazy.” Since your dreams stem from the workings of your own unconscious mind, I think you are the expert in interpreting or making sense out of whatever they may be trying to tell you. At the very least such dreams would indicate that something about your mother’s failing health and death is troubling you, and I want to encourage you to find someone you can talk to about all of this – a trusted friend, neighbor, relative, co-worker, bereavement counselor or support group where you can safely share, explore and come to terms with what happened with your mother and all of your reactions to it. Feelings that are unexpressed and unexplored can become distorted over time, and I think that if now, some nine months after your mother’s death, you’ve begun having agonizing dreams about her, something about this is unfinished for you, and you would be wise to pay it the attention it demands. My hope is that you will find the help you need and that you’ll think of this as a gift you can give yourself. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

I am in tears as I read the messages in this thread – first, Andrea’s tragic story, then Kathy’s heartfelt and touching response, and finally Andrea’s description of what she intends to do with the lessons she’s learned from this tragic accident. There is nothing I can add to what you two have said to each other, except to thank you for having said it in such a public way, so that so many others can benefit from your experiences. I am astounded by your honesty, your humility, your wisdom and your generosity – and I am profoundly grateful to you both. Most sincerely, Marty T

How awful for you to have lost both your mother and your mother figure to the same illness, and both within the last four years! I can certainly understand how this most recent death may have reawakened all those feelings you thought you had put to rest when your own mother died. All those painful memories and emotions are crashing in upon you once again, and it feels as if you’re grieving the loss of both mothers all at the same time. Added to all of that is your boyfriend’s grief and what you experience as a lack of support from him. I think it’s important to understand that when faced with a loss like this, each of us must grieve in our own particular way. Even when two people know each other very well and love each other very much, they can be at different stages in their lives, shaped by different experiences, and affected differently by the relationships they have to the one who has died. Some people experience grief in primarily emotional ways, having all sorts of feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness or loneliness. Others react in physical ways, feeling a need to keep busy as a way of handling the unpleasant feelings of grief. Neither way is right or wrong; they are just different from each other. Problems arise when we can't understand why our partners aren't reacting the same way that we are. Because in general men express their grief in a masculine rather than in a feminine way, we women tend to assume that they are not grieving at all. For example, we may take their silence as a sign of disinterest or lack of concern. Used to being in the role of strong protector and capable provider, a man may be afraid to share his grief for fear of upsetting his partner. Your boyfriend's responses to his mother’s death aren't necessarily unhealthy; rather they may be his way of handling his grief. What's important is to keep those lines of communication open between the two of you, so that rather than assuming you know what your boyfriend is thinking or feeling, you ask him to tell you what helps and what doesn't help him as he attempts to deal with his grief, and you in turn share the things that help and hurt as you deal with the losses you feel. That way you learn to respect and to trust each other's ways of dealing with grief. When you are a couple, grieving works best when there is good communication, mutual respect and shared support. I hope that both you and your boyfriend will spend some time reading some of the articles I've posted on the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/columnsbooks.htm , because the more you both understand about the normal grief process, the less "crazy" each of you will feel, the more you will know what to expect and the better able you will be to handle each other's reactions as you cope with both of these losses. You can also go to my Bereavement and Loss Sites Links page at http://www.griefhealing.com/HumanLossLinks.htm and follow some of the links I've listed there, which will take you to many other helpful resources. For example, you might be interested in Tom Golden's Web Healing site, at http://www.webhealing.com , which focuses on male grief. Tom's book, Swallowed By a Snake is excellent. Another outstanding (and more recent) book on this subject is Men Don’t Cry; Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief, ISBN # 0876309953. You'll find links to each of these books on my Articles and Books page; just scroll down until you come to the section entitled BOOKS FOR ADULTS. (These links will connect you to descriptions and reviews of the books on Amazon's online bookstore, but you're under no obligation to buy them.) If either of you needs more than that, I urge you to find someone else you can talk to about your grief. You can contact your primary care physician, your public library or one of your local hospices, churches or mortuaries and ask for information and referral to whatever grief support services are available in your community. Wishing you both peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Tracey, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved mother in July of 2002 and the difficult circumstances you found yourself in at the time. Even though back then you did everything humanly possible to take care of your mother and hold yourself together, you say that now, nearly two years later, you’re still consumed with feelings of guilt and anger and don't feel as if you’ve ever really dealt with this grief of yours. That's the thing about grief. If we don't give it the attention it demands at the time of our loss, our grief doesn't get resolved -- it simply goes underground and waits for us to take care of it. And sooner or later, out it comes, just as if the death had happened yesterday. Grief produces all kinds of conflicting feelings, most commonly those of anger and guilt -- which over time can become quite distorted, unless we share them with someone else (a trusted friend, a relative, a neighbor, a co-worker, or a grief counselor). Feelings exposed to the light of day can be acknowledged, examined, evaluated, worked through and resolved. Feelings that are stuffed just sit there and fester, making us feel miserable, crazy, sick and alone. You may have heard that "time will heal all wounds" but I'm sure you've learned by now that the passage of time doesn't do anything to heal your grief – time is neutral. It's what you do with the time that matters. You vividly describe your grief as a huge hole you’re trying desperately to avoid – but think of all the energy you’re expending in your efforts to do that! No matter how hard you try, there is no way to avoid that huge hole – you cannot go under it, over it or around it. The only way out of that hole is to go through it. Experience teaches us that grieving successfully requires the hard work of confronting, expressing and working through our pain. So I strongly encourage you to find someone to talk to about all of this, Tracey – someone who knows something about the normal grieving process and who is willing to listen to you. Find a grief support group in your community. Read all you can about grief in general and the grief specifically associated with losing a parent, to learn what is normal and what you can do to manage your own reactions (for suggestions, see the Articles and Books page on my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/columnsbooks.htm and if you’re interested, take a look at my on-line e-mail course on grief, at http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/cour...overview_8.html Find and read some of the wonderful books written by other women whose mothers have died; this will help you see that you are not alone, and will give you the hope that if others managed to get through this devastating loss, then somehow you will find your own way, too. The good news, Tracey, is that it is never too late to do the work of grieving. That's because, as you’ve already discovered, unresolved grief doesn't go anywhere – it just lies there waiting for us to deal with it – and when the pain of grief keeps coming up for us despite our diligent efforts to ignore it, we are wise to pay it the attention it demands. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

How fortunate your friend is to have such a caring person as you beside her, and how sensitive of you to be seeking some “pointers” in how to be there for her in a positive way as she copes with the loss of her mother . I’d like to refer you to two excellent articles on that very subject: How to Help a Person in Grief: “If Someone You Know Has Suffered a Loss” by Bob Carnivale, at http://home.comcast.net/~easinggrief/HowtoInteract.htm “It’s Happening Again” by Sandy Goodman, at http://hospicenet.org/html/spring.html I'm also pasting into this message a piece that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site (at http://www.griefhealing.com/GrievingHearts.htm ) in hopes that it will be of some help to you and to others who read this message: How to Help a Friend in Grief As much as we would like to avoid unpleasantness in our lives, sometimes it is inescapable. Instead, we must learn how to grieve in healthy ways and work through our difficulties. If you are wondering what you can do to help a friend who is in intense mourning, here are some suggestions: Recognize that everyone grieves at their own pace. Some progress rather quickly, some move very slowly. We never move at the speed that others think we should. Help us take one day at a time. Keep us company and be there for us. You don't need to say anything profound or do anything earthshaking. Often, your greatest help is your quiet presence and simplest deeds. Make suggestions and initiate contact and activities. It is important for you to respect our privacy and give us some time alone, but we also may not have the energy to structure our lives right after a traumatic loss. We may have to rely on others to think of things that we don't know to ask for. Provide a safe environment for us to show strong emotions. It may be very painful, but it can be of enormous help. Help us remember good things. Tell us your memories of our loved one as you listen to us tell you ours. If we begin to show our emotions outwardly, you have not upset us, you have simply enabled us to be a bit more open in your presence. Be there after the first wave is over. Make the effort to call, to come by, to help us out six months and even a year down the road.Crowds may be difficult for us. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help. If we're not up to a visit we'll let you know, but let us know you remember and are there for us. Listen to us. We need to tell our story over and over in order to process our grief. We may even say outrageous things. Don't judge us by what we say or how we feel. We have a lot to work through, and in time we will come to the answers that are right for us. Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers. You may not be able to help us with certain issues right now, so don't be too quick to share your opinions if we say something you don't agree with. We need time to work things out on our own. Be sensitive to our needs, be patient, have confidence and believe in us. We will get better, we will experience healing; but it will take some time, and it can be rough going for much of the way. Be on the lookout for destructive behaviors. Traumatic loss can lead some people into depression, alcohol or drug abuse. We may need you to keep an eye on us while things are especially tough. Help us find humorous diversion. Laughter is good medicine. Be willing to do difficult things with us. We may need someone to sit with us in court; we may need a safe place to rage; we may need help with the funeral or afterwards. There may be some hard times ahead and facing them alone can be terrifying. Help us find ways to bring good things out of the bad. It is important that our loved one be remembered and memorialized. Find out about grief. Read some of the books that are available. The more you know, the better able you will be to help us. Help us to find support and inspiration. Often, a poem or song will speak to us in ways that no one else can. Also, talking to someone who has survived a similar loss can help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief. We have to go through this valley in order to get to the other side. Dealing with grief cannot be avoided or postponed. Grief can make relationships difficult and you may get frustrated with us or feel uneasy around us. But please remember that now, more than ever, we need the caring and patient support of our friends and family. Help us get through this as well as we are able. Your true friendship and companionship, your kindness and patience can help us get our lives back together. We will experience some level of grief over our loved one's loss for the rest of our lives. Some days will simply be better than others. One day, we hope to reach a point where our good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major milestone for us. Thank you for being here for us. Reprinted with permission from What To Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss(3rd Edition), by Bill Jenkins, WBJ Press, Richmond, VA, 20001, http://www.willsworld.com I hope this information proves helpful to you. Above all, please be patient with your friend. Grief work is some of the most difficult work she will ever have to do, and it will help her to know that you will let her do it at her own pace, and that you don't expect her to have to do it all alone. Wishing your friend the peace and healing she deserves, Marty T

Here is the file I meant to attach to my earlier message. -- Marty T GriefCopingWithHiddenSorrow.doc

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your ex-husband a month ago, Nanette, and how awful that it came at a time when you were undergoing major surgery. I’m sure your recovery from all of this – both physically and emotionally – has been difficult to say the least. I think it's important to understand that when death follows divorce, people experience a "loss upon a loss." I don't know the circumstances of your divorce or whether you and your ex-spouse had resolved the death of your marriage. What I can tell you is that the reactions you may be having (shock, sadness, loss, ambivalence) are not at all unusual when an ex-spouse dies. For starters, you are in an ambiguous role here: although you are no longer married to this man, he's still the father of your children and your relationship with him is still significant, if only for that reason alone. Because you have no legal access to medical information, you may not feel fully informed about the nature and circumstances of his death and, when you attended his funeral, you may have felt left out or very out of place. As you have observed, in a situation such as this, your friends don't know what to say or how to respond, they may not be very helpful or supportive, and they may say some very insensitive things to you. Since you cannot publicly mourn this death without explaining your divorce, you may be reluctant to seek spiritual support. If you're employed outside your home, certainly your employer will not give you time off from work for this, which only adds to your sense of disenfranchisement, as if you have no "right" or reason to grieve this loss. How your sons react to this death will depend on their ages, coping styles, relationship with the non-custodial parent before and after the divorce, and their response to the divorce itself. They are in a difficult position too: if they mourn the death of their dad, they may feel disloyal to you -- and if they do not mourn, they may feel guilty for not feeling or expressing their loss. If your sons are harboring any negative feelings about the divorce, you may be the target of those feelings, too. I say all of this to you, Nanette, in an effort to help you recognize that a real loss in fact has occurred here, and it is normal for you to be reacting with real grief. Certainly not every ex-spouse will experience the same reactions; there are many variables that will shape anyone's response to loss. Nevertheless, since typically ex-spouses have such limited social, familial and spiritual support, you may find it very helpful to vent your feelings in the supportive and nonjudgmental environment that a grief support group or a few sessions with a bereavement counselor would provide. I commend you for seeking group support for your boys, but keep in mind that the best way you can help your children with their grief is for you to take care of your own grief too. So I hope you will consider contacting your local library, hospice, mortuary, church or synagogue to see what bereavement support services are available in your community -- for you as well as for your boys. You are not alone; there is good help "out there" just waiting for you to find it. Because I think it will be of interest to you as well as to anyone else who reads this message, I’m also attaching (in Word format) an informative and relevant article by Ken Doka entitled, “Grief: Coping with Hidden Sorrow.” Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Cindi, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Cookie two weeks ago -- I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to let her go, especially when this illness came upon her so suddenly and unexpectedly. Making the euthanasia decision for our cherished companion animals is one of the most difficult things we ever have to do, and I know this must have been terribly hard for you. Yet I'm sure your darling Cookie knew how much you loved her, and I have a feeling that she would have understood that this was your final act of love for her. I don't know if you've ever spent any time on my Grief Healing Web site, which offers information, comfort and support for grieving animal lovers. If you go to my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, I think you’ll appreciate many of the wonderful writings you'll find there. See especially Rita Reynolds' beautiful piece, Euthanasia: The Merciful Release. Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts at this sad and difficult time. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Please accept my heartfelt condolences on the death of your mother. I’m so sorry to learn of the difficulties you’re having with your dad. When one parent dies and the remaining parent begins dating someone else, it can be very hard for the adult child to accept no matter how soon after the death it occurs. You're left feeling a need to remain loyal to your mother and respectful of her memory, and worried that your father will cease to remember and love this irreplaceable person you both have lost. You’re afraid that this new woman in your father’s life may be taking advantage of your dad, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling very protective toward him. You’re also concerned that if your dad marries again, you and your brothers may be deprived of some of your inheritance, and you don't think that's what your mother would have wanted. Since I’m not an expert in legal matters, I’m not in a position to comment on your “rights as legal beneficiaries,” but if you wish to get such questions answered you might consider consulting an attorney who specializes in wills and estates. Enter the words, “legal advice” in your browser’s search engine, or use the American Bar Association’s attorney search network, at http://www.law4usa.org. I also encourage you to get some help with all of this by talking to a therapist or professional bereavement counselor, so that your own feelings about losing your mother and your current difficulties with your dad can be expressed, worked through and resolved. You may have no control over how your father chooses to lives his life in the wake of your mother’s death, but with help you can find more effective ways to manage your own reactions and get on with your own life. Your community library or your local mental health association will have good grief counseling referral lists, or you can use the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory to call your local hospital or hospice. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself, and I hope you will follow through with it. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T