rosanne

Dear Tracey, I understand what you mean about the flowers, mom's flower bed of roses have been taken over with weeds. If I have learned one thing... through this I have learned this- I was always the type that had to do everything- even if I did not really feel like doing it, if I had a meeting to go to for an organization I was commited to - I would go (I did not want to but, I was always concerned about what people would think)! Now, I do what I want to do, and I don't give a ----- what people think... I have missed more meetings and things since' mom died- if I do not feel like it I just don't do it. I have not had time to get anything out- because, I was thrown into taking care of an invalid father (which I truly love) even going through this, we have had time to get to know each other, even though it is through pain, does this make any sense? Do what you have to do (work is not an option for me- oh, how I wish it were) but, on the things that you really have a choice in.... do what you want. I think I expect too much of myself... I have always heard God does not put more on us than we can take- He must think I am a lot stronger than I do.... Do something good for yourself.....

Lori, I am fairly new to this sight. I lost my mom to cancer June 10th- and I know the roller coaster ride. I read your story and was so glad that it went as well as it did for you. I am not to the point to make plans of any kind, but have been told that things will get better, I don't know. My mom was my rock, I will never be the same... I am proud of you and the accomplishments you have made!

Annie- I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I don't know anything about this kind of thing- I would think it would depend on who's name the house is in? I am praying for you, right this minute. I live in a small town, and I know exactly what you are going through!

Shell, Dawn, Tracey, and anyone else that has lost a mother or a father they were very close to- there is a song by Katie Giguere called I'll Find You- it is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, I went to mom's grave yesterday and played it and cried.......... I wish every one of you could hear it- I would even mail it to you if you wanted. I am having a bad day today.... sorry

Gosh, do I know how it feels to have to get the death cert. and then show it to the bank- you feel like you want to scream.... and the one that your handing it to just acts like it is just a piece of paper!!! I have had to handle all of the business, my dad can hardly write his name- matter of fact since' everything was in my parents name- (dad can not drive, very well and has not since' mom passed away) when I did have to go to the bank, they needed to see his driver's lic. and it had expired, I had to take him to get a new one- just for the banking business! I am going to be honest, and I don't know why I have been doing this- I try to block out my mom's illness and death, we went through Aug. 2006 until her death June 10th- pancreatic cancer, one of the worst cancer's you can have- a horrible thing..... When I get a bad thought I try and push it away, Am I really dealing with her death this way? I don't know.... Her last days she asked me to take her somewhere and get help- please don't let me suffer- what did I do called HOSPICE......... I feel guilt over that part.............. because, I really think she thought I was going to get her help- Oh, GOD Help me ----- Help US!!!

Dawn, I am so glad that you are going to a Parent's Loss Group, I only wish I could but I live in such a remote area there is nothing like that available. Let me know how it went. Praying for you

Saturday was my mom's birthday. They put their tombstone down Wed. but my brothers and I decided not to tell dad because we would all be going to the cemetery Sat. morning. I went early Sat. and cleaned the tombstone and put flowers in both vases that I had fixed. My daughter picked up 8 balloons and three roses that I had ordered at the flower shop. When I drove dad toward the grave he could not believe that the stone was there, and he had not ever seen it- because he left it up to me and my brothers to pick it out. Facing the road as you drive up to it- is a man and a woman with their arms around each other walking up a path and there are snow covered mountains all around them (I wanted that because mom loved the German mountains) and following them is a small Pomeranian (they lost their little Pomeranian 4 months before mom died, they had him for 15 years, he was like their baby). Everyone got a balloon and at the count of three we all let our balloon go and watched them until they were out of sight. I will do this on every birthday and the day of her death- I know it sounds crazy but, it gave me a good feeling for a couple of minutes. Then my daughter put her red rose on the grave and I put the two on her grave and we cried! Mom's name was Rose, my name is Rosanne and my daughter's name is Ingrid Rose and we always called each other the three Roses (now there are only 2) ! I did not know if I could go through it, but I did. It was hard so very hard.... I just had to share this with you, because I knew you would understand.

Saturday was my mom's birthday. They put their tombstone down Wed. but my brothers and I decided not to tell dad because we would all be going to the cemetery Sat. morning. I went early Sat. and cleaned the tombstone and put flowers in both vases that I had fixed. My daughter picked up 8 balloons and three roses that I had ordered at the flower shop. When I drove dad toward the grave he could not believe that the stone was there, and he had not ever seen it- because he left it up to me and my brothers to pick it out. Facing the road as you drive up to it- is a man and a woman with their arms around each other walking up a path and there are snow covered mountains all around them (I wanted that because mom loved the German mountains) and following them is a small Pomeranian (they lost their little Pomeranian 4 months before mom died, they had him for 15 years, he was like their baby). Everyone got a balloon and at the count of three we all let our balloon go and watched them until they were out of sight. I will do this on every birthday and the day of her death- I know it sounds crazy but, it gave me a good feeling for a couple of minutes. Then my daughter put her red rose on the grave and I put the two on her grave and we cried! Mom's name was Rose, my name is Rosanne and my daughter's name is Ingrid Rose and we always called each other the three Roses (now there are only 2) ! I did not know if I could go through it, but I did. It was hard so very hard.... I just had to share this with you, because I knew you would understand. Rosanne

Dawn, First of all let me say- when I started reading your message- I had to look because I promise you- it sounded so like my story. My mom passed away June 10th of pancreatic cancer- it was awful.............. She was my sister, my best friend and the best mom anyone could ever have! I miss her like crazy!!!!! I know where you are, and I know how bad you hurt....... I am there also. Anytime you want to talk just start...... Rosanne

Tracey, God bless you! I know how you feel. I lost my mom June 10th of this year, my best friend in the whole wide world- I am lost, every day I am lost. I don't know how I survived this long. This web-sight is such a comfort to me, and Shell has really helped me, too. I pray at night for the people I have met on this sight.... such a sad place- but at the same time, everyone on here is going through what you are going through. I don't understand why things happen the way they do and I really don't know if we will ever understand fully. You can't go under or over it you have to go through it! I have gone through mom's things looking for something- and did not realize she kept so much- I can not go through her things, and get rid of anything- I have not been able to do that. Thanksgiving, X-Mas- can not even think of those times now- want to sleep through them- I know we will not be having the same holiday we have had- we are not putting up trees and I am not shopping- shopping was mom's and my favorite thing to do- now, I can not go into a store without crying....... I can not go through that. I know your feelings..... I know Rosanne

Gail, Oh, how I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My mom (my best friend in the world) passed away June 10th of this year. I feel like I am in a black hole most of the time. All I can tell you- is life goes on... I did not think it would but the sun comes up and goes down and the birds sing and the wind blows. The only thing I can tell you is you like me have a different life, now- not normal but different- and the only way I can do this is one step at a time. I cry if I want.... Some days are worse than others. Another thing that I hold on to- my mom took on the weight of our whole family, tried to fix everybody's problems and worried a lot- everytime there is a problem, or an issue I say to myself Mom, thank God you do not have to go through this ----! You are at peace and if anyone deserved it, my precious angel did! Death is part of life, we just do not think about it! We go through life and then BAMB! it hits... There is nothing you can do about it- You can not go over it- You can not go under it- You have to go through it! One day we will all meet again, I do know this in my heart, but sometimes that does not give much comfort when you are hurting so much. I know you probably also get tired of trying to be strong, I know I do!! You have precious children, do you have grandchildren? Throw yourself into them as much as you can- and try to help someone else- you will not know how much that will in turn help you. God Bless You!

Lori, I am so sorry for your lose... and also sorry that you have problems with your siblings. God bless you... I understand what you are saying- I am up and at work.......but I am just here in body, everything is like that- my mind my heart nothing is connected right now.... People say stuff like God is good and he will sustain you- and he won't put more on you than you can handle... I know all of that, Lori- but, when they say stuff like that I just want to scream and say IS YOUR MOTHER STILL LIVING- HAS YOUR WORLD BEEN RIPPED APART- UNTIL THAT HAPPENS TO YOU, WHAT YOU ARE SAYING TO ME IS NO COMFORT! Mom's birthday is Sat. and right now, I feel like just staying in bed all day! I am trying to take care of an invalid dad that has a kind heart, but only thinks of himself........ He has issues..... and if he is not considerate of me enough to go to bed by 10:30- so I can go to bed to get up at 5:30 for work, I don't know what I am going to do. I AM EXHAUSTED! mentally......... I will pray for you, please pray for me Shell, I am trying to take that same med. you are on and it does seem to help, some. I had a fight with dad last night, and walked out! I don't know how things will end up..... I am tired of all of this and see no end in sight- my life sucks! Please, pray for me Rosanne

Lori- I feel your pain. The only thing that keeps me even half way sane, is knowing that my precious mother does not have to live one more day in this life- life can be good but, it can also suck- and she was always trying to make everything alright for everyone and you can not do that in this lifetime! Thank goodness, this is just a short journey we are on- and one day we will be better. Do you ever feel like your mom just vanished? I know that sounds totally crazy but, that is how I feel sometimes, I just pray that she is happy ----- No one deserves it more than her... God Bless YOU

Shell, Thanks, Yes, your e-mail did help... I had a horrible night with dad last night, I just don't know how much longer I can go like this.

So sorry for your lose.......... May I ask where did you buy your bench, that is exactly what I am looking for to put by my mom'w grave. God Bless YOU!

I hate week-ends, too- I hate Friday afternoons when everybody at work is saying see you Monday- Have a good week-end......... Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs HOW CAN I HAVE A GOOD WEEK-END MY MOM IS DEAD! I have not gotten to the point of trying to do something for myself, yet- I just do household chores and take care of my dad the best I can.......... I really do not feel like I do anything well, anymore- it is like the old saying a lick and a promise- you do a little and promise to come back to it one day.... There was the carnival, this past week-end, it comes once a year and my family kept on asking me if I was going to go- Mom and I never missed this event- I did not go- I have realized, if I do not feel comfortable I am not going to force myslef to do it- right now. I also am disappointed in people that I thought were friends, that have just gone on the merry way- that I felt like should have acknowledged my circumstances...these people are in my church group- Shell, Do you feel like, going through your dad's death first has helped you to deal with your mom's easier? I hope you don't miss understand me.... you just seem to have it so much more together than me, I know people deal with death different- but I seem to be going backwards- and I do want to do better. My mom and I went shopping every week-end..... just where ever we wanted to go- now, I can not go into a store without breaking down- I just can't do it. I have no desire to do it..... I don't even want to deal with the holidays........I don't want Thanksgiving, or Christmas this year........ I have grandchildren, I can't even think about putting up a tree, right now- it makes me sick to my stomach to think about the holidays!

julienne- I understand your feelings completely! God Bless you, I know what you are going through, it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do- My mom and dad and I were so close, there was not a day that we did not take time after mom and I got home from work that we did not spend time on their back porch and talk..... I miss those days, but did not know I was making momories...... We were soooo close, and sometimes I think that it is not good to be so close- and have even tried to pull away from my daughter, I guess, now I am trying to protect her from the hurt I feel. Does this make sense.

I lost my mom June 10th just a couple of months ago, and I pray so much to just dream about her... we were so close and it is just like she vanished! I don't dream about her at all! I was wondering if anyone has seen there loved one in a dream-

Thank you, for your sweet e-mails. Somehow it helps to know that you are not alone in this crazy thing called grief!@ I have never lost anyone other than my grandmother and when they are in there 90's- even though you still hurt...you feel like they lived their life, does that make sense? When you see someone younger, you don't understand.... I guess, we are really not owed an explanation! It is part of life that is the worst!! I am so sorry about you all's lose.... I don't want to just focus on me, if I can help someone else, I want to- that sounds kinda' crazy can't help yourself but, want to help someone else...... More Later, Mom's birthday will be August 11th- how will I get through that day, just thinking of it makes me sick to my stomach- our birthdays were always special, she just made you feel special. I will I have my 50th this year- and I can't think about that, either.....When you lose your mother and you were close... YOU HAVE LOST YOUR BEST FRIEND the only one that loved you UNCONDIONALY, no matter what. She cheered me on no matter what, when I would talk to her even though nothing would be solved after we talked I felt like a load was lifted off of me!

Thank you- Shell.. Well, you know exactly how I feel. You don't until you have been there! Dad is in the hospital right now- bless his heart he has so much wrong with him, heart conditon- can't walk- lungs are bad, he is on oxygen almost 100%- I will go and see him every day- this is the 2nd hospital stay he has had since mom died! Under the circumstances, I think he has done well. Your mom passed away June of this year, if so they died just days apart? I always thought my dad would go first- he has been sick for 20 years. Mom never sick..... I just don't understand it! Do you have family? I stay with my dad 6 days out of the week, and try to keep all of the balls in the air, without one falling is hard to do- I do live right across town from him, but keeping two households going, getting medicine, bills paid, cleaning... and trying to work is ALOT! My daughter (24) does help me with household chores.. she loves my dad so much, and my mom and her were like two peas in a pod! Mom's name was Rose (she was from Germany) and my name is Rosanne, and my daughter's middle name is Rose and we always called each other the 3 Roses!!! Now, there is only 2!!! Shell, I just don't know how to cope!!! Some days I think I am better, and then the tears pour and they don't stop. I feel I don't cry around dad, but when I leave him or go into another room I start. Have you even tried to do anything with your mom's personal things? I can't even go there now- everything is still the way she left it. Thank you, so much for your letter- God Bless You!

Thanks to all of you. I don't know how to take care of myself anymore! I go from doing one thing to another... I am trying to take care of my dad, when I am not with him I cry- that is like the only real time I can cry. I am trying to work and get up about 5:30 every morning and hit the floor and I run until I go to bed. I just don't understand WHY this had to happen. My mom was my life, the rock of our family..... the love of my life, not only a mother, a best friend, a sister I never had. We did everything together, even worked together, and it kills me to even come to work because I see her everywhere.... We could finish each others sentences! I want to have a break down..... but, I can't I want to sleep but, I can't I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't...................... My dad can barely walk, and I have had to start doing everything for him. I love him to death, but we do not have the close relationship that my mom and I had..... Mom died June 10th- I went through everything with her from the first dr. visit to the last chemo. she died of PC.... the worst cancer anyone can ever have- never smoked- never drank took good care of herself... never really sick until a year ago- she had been through two major surgeries 24 chemos and 36 radiation treatments.... I had to plan her funeral everything! Life is just not fair, and I do not understand..... I feel like my head is in a cloud- I can not think straight, and I don't want to do what I have to do. I have two brothers and we all live in the same town, including my dad- they help as much as they can- but they don't do what I do- and they work 2nd shift, so it is left up to me to stay with him from the time I get off from work until he goes to bed. I will not put him in a nursing home, I have promised him that- mom died at home- he is 74 years old that would kill him. Just pray for me ------

I lost my mom June 10th of PC. We fought for 8 months.... She was my life, my mom, my sister, my very best friend.... Every day is a struggle.. I have so many feelings, sometimes I feel like I could loose my mind. I am now taking care of my 74 yr. old father who is in very bad health and can hardly walk. I stay with him at night, check on him at lunch and go straight to his house after work........... He has always been sick. Mother was never sick a day in her life other than little aches and pains. I just don't understand.......... I need some friends. Rosanne re7543@yahoo.com

I am also new here, my mom died June 10th- I have so many feelings, sometimes I think I am going to loose my mind. I need friends, I need someone to know what I am going through. Rosanne

Libby, I know how you feel, my mom passed away. Rosanne