rosanne

5 months the 10th of this month for me- I am so glad that I read you'alls posts! I really thought I was have really bad thoughts about seeing old women and mother and daughter's together, I resent them in every way! I told my friend about it and she said, now you know that is not normal to think like that!! WHAT IS NORMAL?????????????WHEN YOUR LIFE HAS FALLEN APART AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR BODY IS CUT IN HALF AND THE BEST HALF IS GONE! I just don't think I can do this anymore!

Haley, I do understand exactly how you feel. I am taking care of my 74 year old father, sometimes I don't know if he really appreciates my brothers and I- we wait on him hand and foot, but then again he may not know how to express himself- they were married for 50 years, and I am sure he has felt like he is cut in half. It is very hard for us, we all work I stay during the week and my brothers alternate week-ends,we all live so close to one another- you can pop in and out anytime. I have to go into the house every day and clean and see all of my mom's things- it is soooo hard.... If someone would have told me what I would have to face the last 2 years, I would have never believed it. I know you love your boys, and I do know they are a comfort to you. We will just have to go through the holidays together, because no one knows until they have been where we are. Take Care Rosanne

My mom was the same way- and like Shell said, OH! How I miss that!! It got next to me, too- but, I just accepted it as love. You are only human having human feelings, nothing wrong with that.

I guess, you are right. I think of mom all through my day but, I was afraid I was pushing it out for a reason. I guess, I think there has to be a reason for everything, and I try so hard to figure things out and people out and why they act the way they do- it drives me crazy..... I don't know how to stop it.

That is one of the sweetest stories I have ever read! There are angels among us, I do believe that. Thanks for sharing!

Have you found times, that even though you are mourning, and I mean I think about my mom all of the time- but, I do not think about details- does this make sense? I don't think about her illness and what we went through the last 3 months, and hospice and all of that- I wonder if this is normal, or is this some kind of a protection that I am doing to myself- and will I have grieved by not making myself think and dwell on these things. I know, I probably sound off of the wall but does this make sense to you?

Thanks so much.. I dread the holidays- anybody want to share how you are going to spend them?

Friday was my 50th birthday- I did not want to do anything, but let the day pass by- mom always made my birthday so very special! My daughter who was also very close to my mom convinced me to take a day off of work with her- she picked my up at 7:00 a.m. greeted me with a bouquet of flowers and we ate breakast out. Then she took me for a manicure and pedicure (that my dad paid for) then I had my hair cut and then a one hour massage... She bought me several gifts my favorite was a silver frame that has 3 Generations written at the top and a picture of her, mom and me together. I did my share of crying, yesterday- just woke up that way... went to mom's grave. I do thank God every day for the special daughter that I have!

Deb, So sorry for your loss. My mom died June of this year, and she also did not want a feeding tube, I was with her and I had feelings at times that I wanted her to eat and drink, but she was so sick- we do not realize that the sight, or smell of food can make you sick when they are in that shape. When my mom was eating (if that is what you want to call it) she would take her food and rearrange it on her plate and tell me she was eating! You made the right decision. It is so hard to let go of your loved one- every day is hard, and you do have days where you are o.k. and then days that you are out of control! Keep posting- you will find friends that truly care here.

That is one of the hardest things to do is get up and go to work, but then I think if I did not have to- what would I do with my time? I have always thought of crying as cleansing your soul. I have done my share and know I will do more. One step at a time is all we can take.

Erica, I will pray for you. Thinking of you....

Hello, I undestand how you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to function with these feelings, you don't know how to get through a day, but somehow time passes on. Like AnnieO said, keep posting- everyone on this sight understands how you feel. Lost my mom June of this year. You are both in my thoughts!

Praying for you

I too talk about you all.. I think of you so often and wonder how you are doing. It is like we are in this big ship together,not really knowing where we are going but just know that we are on the ship- our feelings and thoughts are so simular and it makes you feel less goofy when someone writes about their thoughts and feelings and you think that is exactly the way I felt. I thank all of you for your encouragement, and I am so glad that there are people out there like everyone of you that can relate and help.

Annie, I think the trip will do you more good than you relize. I am so sorry for your pain. It sounds like you have a good family that can help you through. Pick your fights and try not to get yourself upset anymore than you already are. Rosanne

Letting go- letting go of your comfort zone, letting go of the love of your life, letting go of someone that loved you unconditionally....Letting go of someone that knew you better than you knew yourself. That person is gone... never to return all that remains are pictures that you can not look at it, because it hurts too much and their personl belongings- and you don't want to do anything with them because that would finalize things. Someone made the statement to me, well you will always have memories, I found no comfort in that at this time of my loss- because it has only been 4 months... maybe in years I can think on memories and smile, but not now. This is part of life, the part I HATE! The part I never thought of... I do not understand it, but I do have faith that one day we will all be happy again.

Teny, I lost my mother June 10th, and have been carrying for my invalid father and I will tell you it has not been easy... I don't really think I have taken the time to grieve like I should, because I do not want to cry around him, because of his health and everything. As a child talking about a parent- I pray to God to please, keep dad in my life and to not take him from us, we need him so very much! We are family and we love each other- I know he feels as you do, and I try so hard to make him see my brothers and I need him more than he will ever know as your children do! I really think that once I get over the next 2 to 3 years I would like to do some volunteer work, there is nothing like doing something for someone in need- you just get it back. Please, take one step at a time.... We care for you!!!!

My mom was my life! We were always together, at work every day- we lived right across the street from one another, we called each other all the time, I do not remember us ever really having an argument. She was my sunshine, I did stuff for her and she did stuff for me- she loved my children as if they were her only grandchildren. My mom left me June 10th of this year.....

Karen, What a precious mother you are. I know what it is like to love your child unconditionaly!! As my mom loved me, always there rooting me on, no matter what. God put mothers on this earth to help him and if you have, had or are a good mother you have been blessed! I had my mom for almost 50 years, I am blessed- God Bless you, Karen.

I am so glad to read that I am not crazy, one minute I am fine and then I am crying... I am still taking my meds, I wonder what I would be like without them, I doubt I would really want to see, I do think they mask the state that I am in. This time of year hurts so bad, I was watching a decorating show, and if my mom was still here I would have loved it, I love to decorate for the holidays. The thought of putting a tree up makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to close my eyes and the holidays to be over. My mom worked with me for 6 years and it makes it even harder. The thoughts of a party at work, makes me sick, too- I don't know how I will get through it. My 50th birtday is the end of this month, I want to sleep all day!

Seriously thinking about once everything is over with my dad, and I do wish for many many years with him... but, when everything is over.. I want to move I want to get away from this little town and start over where noone knows me, about me, where I am a stranger and start over, does this sound crazy??? Is it wishful thinking that I could start over or am I running??

Shell, I know what you mean. I think a lot of it has to do with the holidays coming up and the weather changing- it just lets you know that life goes on, no matter what we are going through. Like everyone around you is happy and making plans for week-ends and holidays- and you feel like an alien. I have been more depressed lately, too. I think about mom all of the time.... my first thought of the day and last of the day. I miss her so much. I actually laughed about something yesterday, and it seemed so foreign to do that, it kind of scared me, am I making any sense? Dad is feeling a little better, I was terrified that he was going to die on me, I just don't think I can take that.. not now. I am not alright, I don't know if I will ever be alright. I don't want to go to church, I don't want to be around people, the only thing I do is go to work, and that is because I have to. When will I ever be me again, or is that person buried. Rosanne

Dear Annie, I am so sorry for your loss. Know that we are here for you as you have been here for so many of us. My father too, is going down very fast- after we lost mom... There is just no understanding only to try your best to accept it and trust.

My mom has been gone for 4 months, and I am the same way-it is so hard for me to concentrate...... I thought something was wrong with me, and if I forget to take my pills I will cry for hours, I am so out of control- I can't function. When will it ever get any better?? I am so tired of dragging from day to day so sad all of the time. I do nothing well!!

Dawn, I admire you for knowing your thoughts and feelings so defined. What goes around comes around, that was one of my mom's sayings... and it does, and she would also say everyone has a pay day! Take care of you! That should be your main focus, and I think you know that. I am so sorry that your are having to go through this, not to be able to have personal belongings of your loved one is so cruel. Everything will turn our alright.