Den's Gail

I am SO sorry you're having to go through this on top of everything else. I hope your accountant can get to the bottom of this for you. I've read horror stories also and it's one of my worst fears to have to go through something like that in the first place, yet alone by myself now. I recently found out you can do a Social Security Death Index Search and my husband's name came up with is social security number, date of birth, date of death and a few other details. At first it just hurt so much to see it in writing and then I was just appalled that all of that information is out there to steal and no one is protecting us from it. I know it's too late now for you this time, but a few years ago I found out for about $10 I could have $25,000 worth of identity fraud put on my homeowner's insurance, justs for everyone's information. Please keep us up on how things are going. You are in my prayers.

Thanks SO much Marty for taking the time to put all of these together for us in one place. This will sure help me pass the time during the night when I'm up and can't sleep. Lots of hugs... Gail

Hi Suzanne, I just posted and said the exact same thing you did, what's next, a nursing home??? I've also told friends the same thing as you wrote, we feel the "same way" about all of this. I hate the sun streaming in the house, literally hate it and used to love summer. Now I can't stand it and I also hate hearing the birds chirping in the morning. It just seems all wrong now that it keeps going on without him. Everyone is looking forward to Spring and Summer as I used to, but now all I can think of is that Spring will bring the rain and I'll worry about our crawl space and sump pumps which I never had to before and then the yard work will start again. The days are getting longer and it's staying lighter out and all I can think of is that another season is going to start without him and I don't want to do it but I don't have a choice until God takes me Home too. I know everyone also says that Dennis would want me to be happy but I know Dennis and Dennis knows that I was happy with him and he knows what I was like when we found out he had cancer and before we knew anything about it and thought he'd have ten years, I was hysterical! Then the next day I got on the computer and researched and researched and found a support group, close by no less, called the number right before 5 p.m. on a Fri. night and the woman on the other end told me there was a support group meeting the next morning, my birthday, and to go to it and to tell the leader of the group that she said to give me a "packet" and it was the beginning of learning all about it. We took a year researching our options, we had the luxury to do it because he just had an elevated PSA and after he had a biopsy we knew what we were up against and he was early stage. Thank God he was never sick from it, we just knew we wanted to treat it, a luxury I know many of you didn't have. Anyway, when we did make the decision, he went out-of-network and out-of-state for his treatment, not an easy decision for him I assure you because it wasn't easy for him to be away from his job. We talked a lot about how we would do this and I went with him for his initial consultation and overnight hospitalization, but for his radiation treatments he thought it would be best if I stayed home with our dog and the house and he would drive his truck down to FL and then fly back and forth on the weekends. Well, if you had seen us the day he had to drive away, I thought we would both die leaving each other. There was never a time in the 43 years we were together that if we had to be apart at all and it wasn't often, including when I was in the hospital having our children, that I didn't cry. It killed him walking away, with tears in his eyes getting into his truck and we were on the phone almost as soon as he drove off. I sent him cards that would be there when he got there and filled his suitcase with notes and surprises. He bought two packs of Valentine's Day cards and wrote notes in all of them and hid them all over the house and I'd find them wherever I went and cried as I read each one. Every Mon. morning when I had to drop him off at the airport I bawled leaving him there and couldn't wait to pick him up on Fridays. I don't know how we could go through all of that and bury two children together and so many other things to go out for a bicycle ride for lunch one beautiful Nov. day to have a freak fall and die four days later? We were joking at the restaurant with the hostess as we were leaving...how could God just let us ride off knowing it was going to be the end??? We stopped at a drug store and I went to the washroom before we were going to get on a path just up the road ahead. How could he have left us ride off from there knowing that in a few seconds he'd be lying on the ground having a seizure??? I was in shock seeing him there but not even wanting to call for an ambulance immediately because I thought for sure it would stop right away and he'd have a stroke that I called an ambulance! But no, the seizure didn't stop and he didn't have a concussion as I assumed next because my Dad fell and had a concussion when he was drunk no less, but he survived from it, but no, not Dennis. We got to the hospital and the next thing the Dr. was telling me was that they were rushing him into brain surgery, this can't really be happening, it just can't, but it did. Then they came out and told me he had a 50/50 chance if he woke up in two hours but he never woke up. Unfair yes, but life isn't fair, is it. As I said in the other post, he always said life wasn't fair but we'd find out why when it was our time, but he knows now but I don't. I'm not even supposed to ask why, just trust God and I want to, but it's so hard but I have to keep faith that there is a reason. The wrong will be made right, good will triumph over bad, love will triumph over hate, righteousness over evil, but it's still SO hard. Blessed are those that mourn... I too feel there is no point to anything anymore, no purpose. As I think many of you know, I'm almost finished getting off of the anti-anxiety medication I was put on when he died...a very high dose that I had to say I wanted to get off of in June of 2008. Now in just three months I will finally be off of them, but could still have a long road ahead of me yet in the withdrawal process as it can take up to 18 months for the brain to heal, but I've come a long way, but I'm doing it and I know he'd be very proud of me for doing what I knew I had to do no matter what anyone else thought and that I figured it out and sought out the help I needed. I still reach out to others as much as I can and do what I can for them, but it still doesn't seem like enough purpose to be here. I always say, I helped people when he was alive and there wasn't anything we couldn't do better together than apart so it still doesn't make sense that he had to die for me to help someone, why in a different way??? I don't know, I don't have any of the answers but even if I did, I doubt it would hurt less. I haven't turned on our stereo since he's died and I used to love turning up the volume and cleaning to it. Now I occasionally listen to a song online relating to grief and crying. I don't even clean much anymore, hopefully it will improve as I recover from the withdrawal, but right now it seems to me like why bother, it's just going to get dirty again and he's not here to enjoy it with me. I don't find joy in doing any of the things we did together before and I don't do them anymore either. I think the only thing that I have found joy in is picking out gifts for the people who have helped me along the way. Maybe that's my start, I don't know. I've prayed and prayed for God to take me, to spare a child or a parent or a soldier, but then I think He's punishing me for wanting to die. Who knows, only time will tell. I only know the thought of living to me seems impossible but I know I can never end it myself. I know Dennis would never want me to do that. Even the counselor told me I need Dennis to get me through this... Love, Gail

Hi Melina, Dennis died on Nov. 8, 1007 and I'm still lost. I too feel like I'll be a pathetic old woman, doing things with others just to pass time and come home alone except I don't even see myself travelling with other women without Dennis. We planned on getting in an RV when he retired and just go and have quality 24/7 time together, stay wherever as long as we wanted, get a hotel room when we wanted, but we would have done it hand in hand because we were always holding hands. I couldn't imagine doing it without him. I wonder what will be the next thing in my life that will be forced upon me, a nursing home? Needing to sell my home and move someplace without the upkeep which I would hate. We never planned on staying here after he retired, we felt it was too much for both of us yet alone me, but now I don't even want to think about living someplace where he's never been or figuring out what to do with everything too. We were supposed to do that together too. I also struggle seeing other couples and it really hurts when I know they don't have the relationship we had. It really seems unfair to me if a friend is complaining about their husband and the games they play lying to one another, etc. Life isn't fair and I accepted it before, Dennis always said it too and said we'd find out the answer to it though when it's our time. Well he may know it now but I don't and I'm the one living this cruel nightmare. I try very hard not to ask "why me," but I keep thinking it, make sense out of that one. I pray and pray and read how I'm supposed to feel and every night when I'm better than I am when I wake up I tell myself I just have to try harder, make Dennis proud of me, etc. etc. but it doesn't make it hurt less or make me fit in this world any better. I can't deny how I feel and try to make myself feel something I don't. No matter what, I'll always come home to an empty house because it isn't a home anymore at all and be "alone." I subscribed to these Grief Share Daily Emails a long time ago on my other computer. I read about them again the other day someplace, it could have even been on here and decided to sign up again to see if they would help me more now. Anyway, today was Day 4 and I copied and pasted it to post it here. It made me feel better about there not being a time frame on grief. I knew that and it was talked about here before, but as a lot of us here know, people expect us to be over it and move on, period. Our own daughter told me at a year, "it's been 12 months and I'm sick of it!" Unfortunately I don't fake it either and don't think I should have to. I've also read, but I think it was on another site moderated by a male social worker, that healing from a sudden loss is even more difficult and Dennis' death just doesn't make any sense to me at all. He died from a freak bicycle fall, something we loved doing, and I can't even find peace saying he died doing something that he loved because it just seems senseless to me. Plus he survived cancer and was fine and then to just suddenly die after all of that, when he also took wonderful care of himself when others don't, it just adds insult to injury to me. Anyway, here it is: "Grief Lasts Longer Than Expected Day 4 Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined. Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary. "It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year—Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry. "Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain." We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands. "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4). "I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief" (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB). Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen." Gail

Hi Marty and Starkiss, Please let me add my birthday wishes to you both also. I'm still "on time," my time, hope it still is yours too. Hugs, Gail

This really touched me. I don't believe it was a coincidence either. Have you seen either of these websites? I think you'll like them. http://www.after-death.com/Pages/MessageBoard/Main.aspx http://members2.boardhost.com/adcfriends/ Gail

Dear Melina, Please don't feel that you're not progressing quickly enough. I don't know what you're reading, but the first time I started reading about grief is when our first daughter died suddenly back in 1972. Everything I read then was that two years was fairly normal for grief and I never even heard of complicated grief then. Six months is not far into it at all and it all depends on so many different things, everyone is different and has had different relationships, different experiences. Don't leave this site or any others when you need it the most. I haven't posted very much at all because I am suffering from complicated grief plus benzo withdrawal and I'm such a mess, I feel people will just run away from me and don't want to hear about what I'm going through every day as the symptoms get even worse the lower you get on the drug. Withdrawal alone can cause severe depression but for me, losing Dennis is what I feel the most and people who have gone through the withdrawal keep reminding me what it's doing to me. After Dennis died, a friend arranged for a social worker from their church to come to my home and when she heard about my multiple losses, the first thing she said was, "you're suffering from complicated grief." I told her so many of the losses were long ago but she said it didn't matter. Many other professionals told me right away too that I was suffering from it. It doesn't have to be multiple losses, it can also be one severe loss which Dennis was for me. Now I know for me that it's really true, Dennis was just one too many for me and the worst and something I just never thought would happen. In my heart I felt all of the other losses and traumas would have prevented this. Anyway, I don't want to get into all of it about me now, I just want you to know that you are not in any way abnormal. I belong to some other groups but they didn't compare to this one. Others would post how they felt in the other ones and they'd be ignored or even in one instance, told off and they were just reaching out. One person literally said no one cared and she was just going to end it. Thank God I was able to get in touch with her and we spoke that evening and she promised me she wouldn't do anything that night, the same thing the next night...long story but she's better now. Still depressed but has a lot of family support. Another woman I defended in the group stopped posting there completely. It's very sad, but our world doesn't know how to react to people who are in pain, be it grief, definitely not withdrawal even though it's from a prescription drug that was prescribed for the grief...I never heard of it before this, and on Oprah the other night, our soldiers returning injured from the war. Oprah asked if they were angry and they said not about his injuries but the way they were treated. People abandoned them when they needed them the most. I'm seeing it all of the time and it's so sad. I know this is so jumbled but that's the way I think nowadays. I just wanted to let you know that you have found a safe place and while I've rarely posted, I've come to know many of the people on this board and they're really here for each other, let them be here for you too. Love, Gail

Thank you for sharing that with us. I found that I could download a pdf file with the text of all of the videos with pictures next to it so that I could read it all too. It's nice that they have ecards with these videos too. Love, Gail

Dear Grace10, You're welcome, I'm glad you enjoy the site and the song. I really liked the lyrics you wrote too. I hope you will update it and get it out there, that would be wonderful. In the beginning I said I think I'd like to write a song, but I haven't been able to put anything down on paper yet..maybe some day. I think it would really be wonderful to write a tribute to our love as you did. Hugs, Gail

Hi Di, I'm also like you, a perfectionist, which I have to say people make it sound like a bad thing but I was always taught to do your best so that's the way I look at it. Now, you have to do the best you can at this time. My husband died on Nov. 8, 2007 and I haven't touched any of his things and have felt like I just keep losing more of him if something breaks and it can't be fixed. Everything is in his drawers, sometimes I like to open them and just touch and smell them. His things are still in the bathroom and I even kept the mouth wash and shampoo and bought new ones so I'd always have them. Before when the jar on his dresser was filled with change, I always took it to the bank, now it will always sit there filled because I couldn't bear to empty it. I was told not to make any major decisions or decisions that you don't have to immediately that you might regret for at least a year. I know when we had to put our dog to sleep, I didn't want to put away his things and Dennis told me there's no reason I have to. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks he said, only us, and if it makes us happy to have his things around, then that's the way it should be. I still have his things all around the house. It's not anything that anyone else would even notice or think anything of, but I know what they are and they still make me feel comforted by them. I'm not able to give any of his things away and don't think I ever will. He would tell me, "I just want you to be happy, do whatever makes you happy." Yes, I know someone else could use them but I honestly think I need them more. I know people who have made teddy bears out of shirts and I thought about it but right now I can't bear the thought of cutting up any of his shirts so I won't be doing that. Maybe down the road I'll do it for our two grandchildren, but the time isn't right yet. I think a quilt is a very nice idea, I've saved all of our living daughter's clothes with the thought that some day I'd make a memory quilt out of them. Maybe you just need to wait on the quilt until you're sure you're comfortable cutting them up for the pieces you need. There's no hurry to rush any of this. It will still all be there when it doesn't upset you and you're positive it's what you want to do. As for the taxes, we used to do them ourselves with a computer tax program but after he died, I knew I couldn't face that alone. I now take them to an accountant and think it's worth every penny it costs me. It's hard enough for me just going there and filing them alone without having to be nervous doing them here by myself. I feel the same way about travelling. I've even thought, I'll never smell a hotel room again and walk around holding hands exploring a new place. We're grieving the loss of our whole future and what it was supposed to be. I still am having a terrible time trying to accept that, it still just seems impossible to me. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is take it day by day, second by second at times, and do what you want to, what feels right to you and don't push yourself thinking you should be doing this or that. Hugs, Gail

Thank you very much. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. Some days I just can't face even turning the computer on or doing things which is another symptom of the benzo withdrawal. However, I started that journey in June of '08, he died Nov. 8th, 2007, and I am starting my last cut tomorrow and will be free of these drugs the end of May! It can still take up to 18 months for my brain to heal and the symptoms even get worse when you're off of the drug but I'm determined to do it. I've never skipped a day since I started and luckily, I've met the leaders in the field on this and they've been so wonderful to me. If anyone's interested, this is a link to the symptoms by category that's easy to read. If anyone would like anymore information about it, I'll give you a couple of other links. It's even harder to get off of these benzo's than street drugs. If someone would have ever told me I'd end up in this mess, I could have never imagined it in my worst nightmare. We never even smoked marijuana when our friends were doing it. I always had my Dad in my ear telling me it could be a bad batch. http://www.non-benzodiazepines.org.uk/benzo-withdrawal.html It made me feel good for you to call me, "my dear friend." Thank you so much! Hugs, Gail

Thank you very much Mary. Yes, I'm definitely saying the same thing. I've had many other losses of people I've been very close to but nothing compares to this or ever will. We met when we were freshmen in high school and I just knew the minute I saw him, I asked a friend who he was and then when we sat down in our Science class, he was seated behind me...and we found out our phone numbers were just one number apart. I wasn't even allowed to date yet but he could come over. Our Moms became friends and his Mom used to come over and visit with mine sometimes and we loved that because he could even stay later. We've been through so much more than I've even said and it can either drive people apart or bring them closer and it definitely just kept making us closer. Things were still so romantic between us after 43 years. I'm still not sure how I'm going to do it, I honestly don't want to. I just keep praying to God to please tell me my purpose because I just don't know anymore. I've reached out to some and have helped some people but I still feel I have to die somehow, not by my own hands, but for God to take me because I honestly can't imagine living years like this alone, without him. My counselor said it's not good to put my hopes on dying, but I just can't help it. Hugs...Gail

Thank you so much Carol Ann. I can see from all of your posts how wonderful you are to everyone even though you've gone through and are going through so much yourself. You're a very special person. I appreciate your encouragement and understanding very much but not sure why you'd be grateful to me, but I'm so glad I've "met" you and that you're in my life. Hugs...Gail

Thank you Marty. I went to that site last night and did see it there, I thought it had just been there. I was up reading all night, I never fall asleep until at least 8 a.m. and then only get three to four hours of broken sleep, all with vivid dreams that thank God, I usually forget as soon as I wake up. Last night I didn't even get an hour and a half's sleep though. I couldn't stop reading and listening to some of the songs and haven't been able to listen to songs I used to like for awhile now because they just hurt too much. I'm not sure if reading all of these things is good or not. I'm not sure if it's good to know I'm not the only one or if it's too painful knowing there's so much pain out there or if it lets me know I'm different and not able to do as much as the others because of the benzo withdrawal. Do you have any opinions on if I should be pushing myself by reading these posts? I've stopped reading them in the benzo support group because it's just too scary doing it. I talk to the original owner of the group regularly and she told me she thinks it's better if I don't read them, a lot of people can't and I do understand what I'm going through and what I have to do as far as that goes. Thanks again Marty and I hope that song helps a lot of other people. Love, Gail

I also have had a few things happen, but the one thing that I know could only had been my husband is this. He used to work out on a Nordic Trak ski machine and a treadmill and wore a heart rate monitor. He used to hang it on the machines after he was finished. At one point we moved the ski machine out of our family room where it sat behind the sofa and put the treadmill there. He lost the belt for the monitor but had the watch and wanted me to get him another one but it was almost as expensive as buying both together. I told him it just couldn't be lost, it had to be here somewhere. The winter he died we were going to redo our extra bedroom and turn it into a nice office. The ski machine had been put up there along with other things and I told him I was sure we had to find it there some place. We had looked everywhere in the family room and the sofa in front of it. We lifted it up, looked under the cushions of which I "used" to vacuum regularly so we knew it wasn't there. When I had to get HD converter boxes for our televisions because I don't have cable, a friend was helping me to set up our VCR's and couldn't figure out how to do the one in the bedroom. I told him how we did it on the television in the family room so he told me to get the remote from there. However, when I went to look for it, I couldn't find it. I hadn't used the room in quite some time since I couldn't make myself use the treadmill anymore and wasn't comfortable in the family room at all without him. It wasn't where it would usually be so I started looking all over for it, even knowing I hadn't been down there. When I desperately looked under the cushion of the sofa, I didn't find the remote but his belt for the heart rate monitor, right in the middle of the place where we always sat together. I KNOW it wasn't there before, we not only looked once but many times because I thought it just had to be there. It wasn't stuck down between anything, but right there in the middle. The remote was on the treadmill where I forgot I used it. From then on, I wore it all the time until it broke and now I just keep it in the bed with me. Here's a few sites you might also like where people post their experiences: http://www.after-death.com/Pages/MessageBoard/Main.aspx http://members2.boardhost.com/adcfriends/ http://www.spiritlyric.com/story.html This site lead me to the first one when I clicked on their Hello from Heaven book, but the song is beautiful, I think you'll all like it if you haven't heard it yet. Hugs, Gail

Hi to all, I've been reading posts from this group for quite some time now but have only posted a couple of times. I know many of your stories and have followed you. John, I read your website quite awhile ago and went back and read it again and remembered who you were. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my post, please know it was never my intention in any way. Lainey, thank you so much for your words. It's my husband that has really thrown me this time, it still just seems so impossible to me that this could have happened and my life could have ended up this way. I lost my Mom in '79 and my children in '72 and '83. I really felt like I had accepted those losses although you never forget and they're in my heart forever. My Dad just recently died in March too and although he had various problems for a long time, the way he died is hard to accept yet too, sometimes I forget he's even gone and then it comes back to me. I have been to a hospice support group and had a social worker came here once a week for a year and have had another counselor for quite some time. I posted this in another post when someone asked if they've ever lost friends because of their losses. I'm also going through benzo withdrawal because of the xanax I was put on when my husband died. I started getting off of it about seven months afterwards and will be finished the end of May but you can have the symptoms and they keep getting worse the lower you go until your brain finally heals and it can take up to another 18 months so I still have a long road ahead of me. I thank God I knew they weren't helping me and were hurting me more and I researched it and told the Dr. I wanted off of all of them. It's another long story, different Drs. but I don't want to get into it now. If anyone is interested in it, I can post links to read about it. Carol Ann, thank you for all of your kind words and support. It means so much to me. I guess I've tried in my own way to reach out but I've never done so by starting a subject. I only have one daughter, her husband and two grandchildren and a sister but they've walked away from me because they don't want to understand the withdrawal and think I should just be over it. Our daughter thought so before a year was even up. She just didn't know how to deal with me so we're not even talking now. Our grandchildren just call with obligatory thank you's for gifts for their birthdays or Christmas etc. and to think we used to be SO close and do so much together and for them. They both also live in other states too. It's so hard for me to accept that this is the way it's turned out, that I could end up alone in the world without love when it's what my life was all about. I was the one who researched everything and would never let anyone be alone in a hospital or nursing home, etc. I'm very grateful and don't know what I'd do without the friends who do help me, but I'm still usually alone most days. It's hard for me to do things now as the withdrawal is doing that to me. I used to do our yard work and this year I got my neighbor to do the grass for me and some people helped me get the pruning done when I was down to the wire. I've slowly not been able to push myself the way I used to and people tell me it will get better when I'm healed. A friend cooks for me and puts it in my freezer and another one picks up a few groceries for me and helps me make a few other little things. Even with her here, I'm doing it on all adrenaline. Another friend from Scotland no less, calls me twice a day without fail and she is the only one who would know if anything had happened to me because she knows I'd let her know if I'm not going to be here for any reason. Another friend has reached out that we went to high school with and my husband went to grammar school with and has been picking me up and bringing me to their house sometimes and I've helped them with projects, etc. For some reason I can do it there but not here. I haven't cleaned my house for seven months now. I guess I feel like it doesn't matter anymore without him, it's just going to get dirty again. Anyway, I'm sure I'm not explaining this very well but I just wanted everyone to know I wasn't trying to diminish anyone else's loss and hope I didn't offend anyone. I know they're all hard, we were still grieving losing our dog when my husband died. Hugs, Gail

I saw your post and looked up the movie, "The Rabbit Hole." However, I see it's about a couple who lose a child. I haven't seen the movie, but I can talk from experience after having lost two children, one suddenly and one after two years, both from a rare genetic disease but our first baby died suddenly and was misdiagnosed on autopsy. I also had a miscarriage at five months but didn't know the cause until our last baby was diagnosed. Now after having lost my husband from a freak bicycle accident after having had survived cancer, I don't think a movie like that would help me deal with my grief, personally speaking. Losing Dennis is worse than all of the losses I've had to face put together and I've had others. My Mom died on Xmas day suddenly in an auto accident and even our dog had to be put to sleep because of a vet error and couldn't be saved. I just came back to edit this after I signed off because I realized I didn't even make the most important point. I had always read that losing your spouse or child are the worse losses anyone could have, but after having lost both children, I know we had each other to get through them, to hold each other, to cry, talk. I recently read that 90% of marriages fail after the loss of a child. I don't know if it's really that high but for us, it just made us that much closer and we were close to begin with. I was with him since I was 14-1/2 years old and we were together for 43 years, 38 married and went together for five. When our first child died, I found her shortly after he left for work. I called him after I called for the ambulance and he raced to the hospital. The police took me to the hospital and a Dr. came into a room and told me that she had died and stayed with me until he came. I didn't speak, cry, I was just quiet and numb but when I heard him come into the hospital, I ran into his arms hysterical. I couldn't even cry without him so how am I supposed to survive this now without him? I don't post much because I'm struggling and most people are doing better at this stage, it's been three years on Nov. 8, 2007. I never even heard of "complicated grief" before this but I'm living it now. I don't have much family but they've deserted me because they don't begin to understand what I'm going through. I have some friends who have stuck by me, some who deserted me immediately, one after over a 30 year close friendship who went through the whole life and death of our last daughter with me but said she didn't know what to say to me but she prays for me every day. I think it just hit her too close to home, she's five years older than me and I think she thought it might be contagious. Others have come out of the woodwork to help me out but for the most part I'm alone every day and don't feel I'll ever find happiness again until God takes me also. There's more, but maybe for another time. As it is, I kind of got off track about the movie. I'd like to see how other widows/widowers feel about the comparison of a loss of a child versus the loss of a spouse? Hugs, Gail

Thank you. She was my neighbor and best friend and then they moved a few years before my husband died. We had a private funeral and I called her later and asked why she hadn't called me. She didn't even know about the w/d or anything going on and that's what she said to me. I'm still hurt but have come to terms with some people just can't deal with it. She had five children and one of her children called my number by mistake one morning and recognized my voice and told me she was sorry she dialed my number by mistake and to go back to sleep, I wasn't even sleeping, she just didn't want to talk to me or say anything. Here she remembered my number after years, her kids would always call me if they weren't home and needed anything, we went to all of their showers and weddings but not a word after he died. Only one daughter sends me Christmas cards and writes nice things in them remembering things we did with them. I know these things really set us back and hurt us more when they could help us instead. I wish I knew the whys, I really do. I just keep praying every day to please not let me have a nervous breakdown and to please help me get through this. I'm trying not even ask why because our faith says we're just supposed to have faith in God and what He gives us but it's SO hard. So many people in w/d can't take care of themselves, it gets worse the lower you get on the drug and they have their spouses to take care of them and all of the responsibilities of the house. I have one problem coming at me after another and it's overwhelming but the evenings are easier, but not as much so as they were, they're getting worse too and I'm alone all day and night except for when someone occasionally comes over to help me with something and then they're gone. Even a man who was one of our best friends isn't nice to me anymore. He started hanging out with his ex-wife and her boyfriend and her friends now, unreal to me but that's his new crowd and he just tells me I need to find a handyman or sell the house. He said no drug takes this long to get off of and if this is what being in love does to you, he's glad he was never in love. He said he knew his marriage was a mistake the night he got married. Before my husband died, he would have done anything for us, my husband would be shocked but people don't understand and just want to have fun and if you don't want to go out with them and aren't capable of it, they just don't have the time for you. He helped me quite a bit in the beginning but now I'm afraid to call him because he's actually yelled at me so badly and I don't need that right now, I'm much too fragile for it. Your Mom is very lucky to have you and that you are mourning together and you understand her too. That would mean so much to me but since I'm not "moving on" like other people my family just doesn't begin to understand the depth of what I'm going through. I was even afraid to post here, I've been a member for quite some time but the moderator told me to feel safe, that the people here are very understanding, so I reached out to you as my first attempt. You're hurt now and I certainly understand it, but PLEASE, don't blame yourself for needing people, especially people who said they understand and would be there for you. I pray the pain of this will ease in time and new people will come into your life who will understand and be there for you. It's hard to "fake" it all the time and it's not good for your health either to keep it all in. Hugs, Den's Gail...forever

Yes, I lost a friend of over 30 years right after my husband died and she went through the whole life and death of one of our children with me. I called her and asked her why she hadn't called and she told me she prayed for me all of the time but she didn't know what to say and then she said she was on her way out the door to a block party and hung up. I was crushed. I'm 60 years old now and my husband died suddenly four days after a freak bicycle accident on Nov. 8, 2007. She's five years older than me and both her and her husband have health problems but they're under control but maybe it just hits too close to home and they're afraid it can happen to them. You shouldn't be embarrassed at all. We need to be able to talk about our feelings, we can't hold them in, it hurts too much and we need real friends who can be there for us. I'm still having a terrible time and there are very few people who understand. We also lost another child too and my husband had had cancer a few years before he died but survived that and was in very good health. I'm suffering from "complicated grief" which can be from one severe loss or several losses. I also lost my Mom in '79 on Christmas morning from an auto accident and have been through many other losses and traumas in my life but I always had my husband to get through them with. We were very close and did everything together. I was put on xanax after he died and allowed to get on too high of a dose. It's a long story but eventually ended up needing to see a psychiatrist to supposedly get off of it and weaned to an antidepressant, but instead she said it wasn't a high dose which it was, 6 mg., and added an A/D too. Four months later I was in terrible shape and told her I wanted off all the drugs and she said it was her job to prescribe them but my right not to take them. That was in June of 2008 and I won't be finished with this w/d until the end of next May and then it can still take 18 months for my brain to heal from them. I'm also suffering from PTSD after watching my husband fall. We were together since I was 14-1/2 years old and I still wake up every day shocked that this is my life. I just don't feel like I fit anywhere anymore. If it weren't for a few good friends who call every day and one cooks for me and another one shops for me, I don't know what I would do. I've heard many stories like yours, people just want to hear we're fine and would rather have us fake it than help us. There's even counselors who don't understand so please don't blame yourself. I don't know whom you lost, but I am very sorry for your loss.