spela

Waltc, I thought of you and of this song yesterday when I saw something like a hole in heaven (actually a perfect shape "hole" in the clouds - and I thought if this is like it looks like) ... And then, when I was walking my dog, it started to rain a little, we just got back to my car, and I saw a beautiful rainbow, a perfect one, and I thought - maybe it marks the "new moment". The time when I'll be more able to find joy in life ... be thankful for what I've had .... be nicer to people, more open ... or just try to be happy by myself ...

John, I wish I had some advice - but I'm not that clever. Yes, I've survived one-year mark, and it was a difficult time. Because I knew I had been through ALL the anniversaries, all the special dates, and I would have to do it again, just this time I already know it would be hard. I don't know how much sense that makes, but I'm afraid I cna't explain it in any other way. I admire you for what you've been able to do in Jack's memory. I really do. I wish I could do similar things, and I WILL, but I just don't have enough energy now ... It IS ok to cry, and it is ok to feel down. Just accept these feelings, they're part of you. You don't HAVE TO be strong all the time. I am just the opposite, I fear, and feel lonely most of the time. You can make it. There will always be good and bad days. Just don't feel guilty for having a bad day. And think od how much you've done. For Jack, and for us.

KayC, I've been thinking about what to say to you. I know these feelings. For a long time I felt the same. Not only lonely, but also abandoned. Everybody moved on, they don't call, they're not there for me. It really became unbearable, I was angry at everybody and mostly at myself for not being the same positive person as before and as I "should" be. I realised I had to do something about it, and get out of this circle of accusations. That is what it was really about: I was blaming others for not being there, and blaming myself for being such a negative person, unable to express my feelings, hiding my pain behind this mask of irony. I realised that my cynisism is really a mask, which I use because I'm afraid to let anybody know how vulnerable I really am. I use that mask when I really need a hug and want to cry. Yes, a lot of blame and guilt. But I made one small, and yet important step. I made a decision that I'll make it - by myself. I won't expect my "friends" to be there or to explain why they never called. I will just stop expecting anything from others. It is how it is, they're doing whatever they are, maybe they're doing the best they can. It is not them who matter, it's ME, I'm responsible for MY life. I have to find the meaning again, have to start living. I have to do that, I want to do that and I will do that. Slowly I am starting to do that. But it started with a decision. A short sentence: I'll make it. ME, MYSELF. Short sentence which I have to repeat to myself a lot, and sometimes I still don't listen. Take the decision. You CAN make it. Decide that you want to make it, and you will find a way.

Hi Nikki, I'm really glad you posted - glad because that means (I THINK) that you have found the energy to write here, and because you have faith an can think in a positive way. Thank YOU for being there. Thank you for being my friend.

Maylissa, how are you doing? I mean you two.

Happy birthday to your Jeannie! I never met her but I can imagine she's smiling to you. I know these days are difficult for you. I wish you to find peace, knowing that she didn't leave you and feeling her presence.

WaltC, I felt like that for a long time, more than a year, and I lost the hope that it could ever be easier and that I would ever want to live again. So I know what you're talking about. But now I do want to live - I can't explain what happened, it just did. It won't be the same life, but I have chosen to live, with my love for him. So, WaltC, there IS hope for you. You CAN make it. As about teaching the old dog new tricks - hey that't not true at all!! You would be amazed if you saw all the things you CAN teach a dog, no matter his/her age, the only thing is that you need a little more patience AT THE BEGINNING, then it becomes much easier! (I amd talking from an experience with dogs, but I'm quite sure it's not much different with people!)

Walt (and others), you might remember that I wrote recently how depressed I was. How I didn't have any energy and I felt so very bitter ... I knew I couldn't do this for a long time, not like that ... well, 3 days ago something changed inside me. I donpt know what happened, but I decided to come back to life. To do something about it. By myself, not wait for my friends to come to me. Does anybody of you know Louise Hay's book Heal Your Life? I highly recommend it. It helped me a lot when Janez was ill, to find the strenght in me. Later I thought I would never open it again because after he died, DESPITE all the faith, everything seemed like a big lye. Now I've opened it again and read this affirmation "It is safe to feel. I am open to life. I have desire to live" (I used my own words here). I know I will always miss him, I know I will always love him and I will continue to dream of what it could be "if only" ... But I will live. With my love for him. With the memories, which now don't only make me cry but also make me smile or sometimes laugh ... There is hope. I can't explain what happened, maybe I was so tired of feeling so low. Maybe someone said exactly what I needed to hear. Now I do want to live. I can do that, and you can do that too.

How are you doing?

Hi Maylissa, it's good to hear your girl's got her appetite back! I hope you'll get good news from the vet, let us know how it goes.

Maylissa, I've been thinking about you and just wanted to ask you how you're doing. No, nothing of this is your fault. You're doing the best you can. You're not the one who is "supposed to know" everything - even the vets didn't! Don't lose your faith, people and animals with chronical diseases can still live a happy life! Let us know hor you two are doing.

I'm sorry, Maylissa. I just don't lnow what else to say. I must admit it's probably becasue I can't even dare to think of the possibility that anything bad could happen to my dogs. They're my reason to live now. I'm so sorry.

John, thank you! I cried when I read your words and I cried more when I read your beautiful poems. "Sometimes I think there’s nothing left to remind me of the fun When something small like popcorn shells lets in the memories sun" - lately I've been feeling like that a lot, thinking there's nothing left to remind me of the fun. Not even remembering "my popcorn seeds" - signs, maybe different from yours but that do carry the same message - bring me the comfort. But reading your words made some of those feelings come back - feelings of peace and love ... which is a lot in these days when I mostly "feel" emptiness.

Thank you!

Walt, thank you. You say it's too late to do or say the things you should have said and done - but I'm sure your Jeannie knew and she knows now ... and maybe she's smiling when she hears your songs and when she sees you smile. I'm sorry for the loss of your cousin.

Thank you again. It's a wodnerful thought, Marty, I will write it down - for the next time when I'm so depressed. I AM doing better now, thank you for your help!

Thamk you KayC. I wish I had your faith. I'm still mostly angry at God/Destiny - whoever there is to blame ...

Thank you all, yes Marty, I know that a huge part of the problem is that I CAN'T ask for help. I feel bad when I do. Maybe because I don't want them to see how I really feel - or maybe because I feel I would owe them something? It's harder to express my feelings that hide them behind a mask, is it because I'm afraid that by expressing my sadness others would know how vulnerable I am and I could be hurt even more?? Maybe dog classes help a little. At least I'm doing something I enjoy and feel good about it - so what if it only lasts for one hour, that's a start, I guess??

I think KayC could be right. Maybe I am depressed. There are moments when I feel better but most of the time I feel lonely. I AM lonely. I have isolated myself from my friends and so-called "friends". I couldn't be around people who don't understand. Now - nobody calls me anymore. And I mean NOBODY. I don't want to beg for their attention, to ask for their company, I don't even know what we could talk about. But I just can't be alone all the time ... I don't have the energy to meet new people - which is something that I would rather do than going out with old friends, who, mostly, haven't been there for me. Did I expect too much from them? Maybe so. Maybe that is the reason why i just don't care about them anymore. But I am lonely ... Yes, I have been thinking about professional help, but somehow I need the courage to go there and admit to somebody else how low i really am. I did feel better when I had dog classes - they start today after a winter break, so hopefully that will help a little.

KayC, I didn't mean to offend you, I'm sorry if I have. Some would probably think it's weird, but I like to buy small "gifts" (cookies) for my dogs, it makes me feel better ...

John, when I look back - it's been more than a year for me - it seems to me that at 6 months it was worse than ever. That was the time when I didn't want to live anymore - now I can say this, I couldn't talk about it before. What helped me then was a friend - from this forum - who knew how i was feeling though I didn't dare to tell her, but she knew becasue she was feeling the same way. It helped me to know that I was not alone. That there's at least one person who understands and who feels the same way. Which also made me feel a little better about myself - that maybe I wasn't a horrible person because I wanted to die. We are grieving and we shouldn't expect too much from ourselves. You have given us so much of your positive energy. Thank you. But it is ok if you're not always positive. It is normal, whatever you feel. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to feel sorry for yourself. And no, it won't last forever, peaceful days will come again.

I'm sorry KayC, because you were left alone. Because you wanted to do something nice and they didn't seem to notice. But your dog did - obviously. :-) That's how I'm thinking lately - people often disappoint you, but dogs don't. And they're always happy to see you and prepared to do things for you. I know how you must be feeling ... still, you are not alone. You have your dog and your cats and friends that truly care, and we're here for you, on this forum.

Thank you all. It seems it happens more often than I thought. Maybe the reason why we feel more comfortable with "new" people that with old friends is that we don't expect anything from those who we didnt' know before or only knew them briefly - while we expected from our friends to be there which they haven't?

Thank you KayC. I've been thinking about what you wrote, thinking that you might be right when you say I might be depressed - I don't know what the difference between "normal" grief and depression is?? How can you tell - really???? No, I haven't had professional help, but I must say I do feel better now. What you said about my friends though ... oh I don't know ... some have at least tried to be around. But some haven't - and even now I'm feeling quite well I don't really care about them anymore. Not that I blame them, no, not anymore, not now at least (yes sometimes I do!), but just - they're not a part of my life anymore, that's it. Thank you all for being there. And for caring ...

It's been a while, since I posted. I just didn't have the energy, not even to read the forum. His birthday and one year mark have passed since. It's strange - you would expect SOMETHING would be different after one year - but it's not, you wake un in just another empty day. I think it may have something to do with the fact that a year or a few months ago I couldn't imagine I would still be here now. Now I've been through all the special dates without him, will I be able to spend them in a different, more positive way this year? I hope so. Some things are different, maybe the pain is not that sharp, but it's constant, and - I don't know what to do with my life. I feel I have to leave, go somewhere where I wouldn't be surrounded with so-called "friends" who don't understand. That's another problem - I do KNOW it's knot their fault and I shouldn't blame them - but somehow I do. I think it's probably my fault that they're not around anymore. I have isolated myself from them. I ignored the question "how are you?" because I couldn't stand it and I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. Now they don't ask anymore. I hardly talk to people, I don't know what's going on in their lives, and they don't know what's going on in my life. The only subject I can talk about is dogs. At least something ... I had an argument once, with my co-worker, when she said that I should move on because it is not me who died (!) - and since then I rather avoid the subject (though it happened probably more than 6 months ago). I wish I could talk more about him, to people who knew/know him - but I'm scared of their (possible) insensitive/stupid remarks ("it's been more than a year - that REALLY is the time to move on" or "you still have time to find somebody and have children"! or ... all the things we have heard). So I don't talk about anything personal ... I hide my sadness under bitterness or self-isolation, and I don't show it when something makes me happy. I should at least change my job, if not the country - but I'm scared that I don't have the energy, and also, would that make it easier???? I see there are some newcomers here. I am sorry for your losses. Today I had to write. Walt, thank you, again, for your positive words on this forum. Yes I'm trying ... And thank you Devi - it was your wonderful message that made me come back again ...