spela

Does it really get easier to accept? I miss him more and more each day - though I don't know if and how it is possible to miss him even "more" ...

Hi Erin, no, I don't think it's wrong that you hate seeing other people happy. I think it's normal ... Don't think about what they might think. You haver every right to grieve, and to feel what you feel. I'm thinking ... that those who won't understand aren't at all important to me ... I cry a lot. Usually I go to his grave in the morning, before I go to work. I stayed there for almost one hour today and cried ... I just couldn't leave, but I had to go to work. I would stay there for hours and hours and cry ... thank you for writing here ... Spela

Hi, Nikki I'm so confused ... not able to write what I'm feeling or what I believe ... I don't think you can just "get over" as some people think. He is someone I love - I'm using present tense and will continue to do so! He'll always be with me, always be in my heart and part of my life. I'm a different person now and people don't seem to understand that I can't listen to the jokes, don't go out for a coffee, don't answer the telephone and don't call them back ... People I work with are mentioning my birthday which is at the end of this month - we usually celebrate our birthdays, with some food and drink and presents ... I've decided to take that day off. I might even write an email to some people who would probably want to congratulate me and let them know that I would appreciate it if they don't do that ... There are only a few people I would talk to ... I would just tell everybody else to leave me alone ...

Erin, I'm sorry for your loss. The boy that I love died on January 27th - of cancer. Two days after his 32nd birthday. He couldn't even celebrate his birthday. On that day he woke up in the middle of the night, in pain, he was screaming ... I don't know how I've survived so far. I think I still haven't accepted it. Deep inside I'm somehow still waiting for this nightmare to be over, I'm waiting for his phone call, a message from him, I'm waiting to see him again - and that I will know that what's happening is not real ... I'll be 27 this month ... Lat year I celebrated my birthday with him, we had a wonderful time, although he still was feeling weak, a few weeks after chemotherapy. I don't know how I'll manage ... I was with him while he was dying, holding his hand - sometimes I still feel his hand in mine ... I don't know how I managed then to tell him, in his last hour in this life, that I let him go if he has to ... That was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had to do it, I couldn't bare the thought that he would leave feeling guilty for leaving ... I'm so confused lately ... First, there was emptiness, now there are so many different, even opposite feelings, all of them at the same time. I'm feeling so alone ... though I do believe he's still with me and can see me and hear me and knows how I feel ... sometimes this feeling is so clear and I'm so sure that he's here ... sometimes I have doubts ... I don't go to counseling and don't take any medicine - I don't believe anything could help me, because I don't need medicine or counseling, I need HIM! I wish I had your faith that everything happens for a reason. I can't find any reason for that. Why did he, the most wonderful person I have ever met, have to suffer so much?! Why did he have to die?!?! The only thing I was praying for in the last 3 years that he would get well. But he died, and my hopes died that day ... I don't talk to God anymore ... But I talk to him, I can feel his presence. I hope and believe he's happy now ... I am though grateful for the chance that I have met him. I've learned so much from him. I'm grateful for loving him. I will always love him. Now ... I avoid most of the people. Though my friends and family would like to help, I know they can't - because they don't know how I feel. It's not them who have lost the person who they love most. Talking to people who're going through the same thing (also on this forum) helps somehow - at least I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. It's like, as my friend said (whose ex-boyfriend died on Christmas), you can't understand how come that the world didn't stop that day ... For me it's been 10 weeks 4 days, the time in which some people around me got new jobs, went on holidays, gave birth, the pope died ... but I feel like I don't belong to this world ... I don't care ... Spela

hi Nikki! I must have deleted your email by mistake and I hope you won't do the same with mine ...

I'm sorry for the loss of your love. Thank you for your words. It's just ... such a confusion in my head. There are days when I can clearly feel his presence. On the day of the funeral, when I was going home, I had a really strong feeling - I just KNEW he was with me and not in the grave. Since then I haven't had that feeling again - maybe I'm trying too hard. I think a lot about the times we spent together and am thankful for having had a chance to know him, to be with him, to love him. I know he will always be with me, in my heart and I do believe he somehow feels how I feel and still cares ... But other times I just feel such emptiness ... It seems to me that it's getting more and more difficult and most of my time I feel so lonely ... I don't know what to tell people who ask me out. I don't feel like it. My two best friends from high school say that I should go out with them, that it's been more than two months ... One of them has passed an important exam and got a new job since - when I was listening to her, it seemed so unreal that there was so much going on for some ... I can't cope with people who tell me to "get over it". What are they thinking? They don't know anything! Next month is my birthday, I'll be 27 and he won't be there! It's been 8 weeks 6 days - and for you it's just two weeks more. It seems not like yesterday but like last week ... What happened to your love, if I'm not asking too much. If I am, I'm sorry

Thank you. Though it seems strange to read "husband", which he wasn't. The truth is though that I loved him. I still do. As the time is passing by, it's getting harder and harder coping with people who, most of them, don't and can't understad. For them life goes on, my two best friends from high school keep asking me out, they say it's been a long time since we haven't seen each other and that we should. After I said that I can't go out and that dog school (fortunately I have my dog to keep me busy) is the only place I go to besides my job, one of them said: "I know, but still, it has been two months ...", telling me that I should go out with them, just for a coffee if nothing else. But I can't! And she doesn't know how I feel! I can't pretend that everything is normal and that life goes on! Sometimes it feels like it's just happened. Sometimes there's this picture in my mind, and I feel all the fear of the last two days, when he was dying. When I was so desperately hoping he would get better. When I was relieved to see that he fell asleep and that the drugs seemed to help - I believed it would be good for him to sleep for awhile, rest, gain power again. I couldn't imagine then that he would not get better and that he was slowly dying ... I managed to go to his grave yesterday. It took me a week after I first saw the headstone. I was dreaming about it, I didn't want to see his name there again ... When I got back again, it seemed to me that someone else is buried there, not him. It seemed so strange. When I got home, I suddenly realized that I was kind of waiting, not, expecting his phone call. It seemed to me that he would call me any minute, that I would see him and that these two months while he wasn't there would be all forgotten ... I'm sorry for your loss. I've been wondering too if I'll ever be happy. I can't imagine this is possible ... Take care!

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents, esoecially in such a short time. Maybe it really was God's intention to spare them the pain of losing their husband or wife. The boy who I love died of liver cancer two months ago. He was just 32. Though you find consolation in God, I can't. I blame God for being so unfair, for taking away my dearest friend, for allowing such pain that he was suffering before he died. Maybe after some time I'll be able to talk to God again and be thankful for the chance for all the moments we spent together, for having known him and for a chance that I was with him in his last moments. But at this time, I just don't know why this had to happen ... All the best

The boy who I love died of cancer two months ago, at the age of 32. After months that he was feeling quite all right and we believed he would get better, though the prognosis at liver cancer is far from being good. He, all of a sudden, felt terrible, terrible pain - I think we can't even imagine. He was screaming, cursing, didn't know what he was doing. He was taken to hospital where he was lying for two days. I was with him all the time. He was in pain and the medicine they used at first didn't even help. After that they gave him something else, it's not morphine but something that I had never heard of before (I was told they use that drug after surgeries) - and he fell asleep. I was worried that they maybe gave him too much and that he was seduced but as soon they reduced the dose, he was in pain again and that was a terrible pain, I can't imagine - but just from seeing him, hearing him, feeling his hand squeezing me (with as much power as he had left, which wasn't a lot) - I knew it was such that he couldn't take it much longer. I don't think you made the wrong decision about the medication. Unfortunately, we don't know enough, we don't have the cure, and all we can do to help the person who's dear to us and who's dying is to try to relieve their pain and be with them so they know they're not alone and that someone loves them. Don't blame yourself - you did everything you could have. If there's someone to blame, blame God. I do that. A lot.

Maybe your friend needed to talk about her brother and her parents, which, or some reason,she couldn't bring up herself but needed someone else to start talking about grief. Have you ever talked about her grief? I don't want to take her side - because I think she should have let you talk about it, she should have listened and shown you that she's really your friend and I personally think that her behaviour was selfish - but maybe she felt left behind. I hope you can sort things out and be able to talk. But if not, if things don't change or if she doesn't even answer you, then, I'm afraid, you will have to accept it. Things change and some people can't cope witha that. Try to forgive - for you own's sake - and let go. Those who can't accept you, as you are, and can't understand how you feel are not important to you anymore and not worth of your sorrow. I wish you all the best

My dearest friend, there are so many things I would like to say to you today. I would like to say thank you for all the Good that you brought to my life. Thank you for your love and for the love that you have made me feel. Thank you for your courage, thank you for your joy, your laugh, your smile ... You could always lift me up when I was down, scared ... I can't say how much I admired your courage. And though you couldn't fight anymore, you're still a winner to me. Thank you for the joy you brought to my life, thank you for all the moments we had together, all the wonderful time ... Thank you for everything. You will always be part of my life. I would like to tell you that I still love you. I always will. You will always be with me. I hope to meet you again someday ... Until then - I'll be missing you terribly ... Always yours, Spela

Hi Ana and thank you for your answer - I feel like I know you ... I know I will never be the same again. My life will never be the same. The pain will never go away. I don't know when or if I'll start caring about things around me. On the day of the funeral, as I was going home, I felt clearly his presence. I KNEW he was there with me and that he couldn't be in the grave. Now I'm trying to have that feeling again. Maybe I'm trying to hard and it doesn't go that way. I hope someday that feeling will help me to smile, talk to him, tell him not only that I miss him terribly, but tell him something silly, a joke maybe ... We laughed a lot and he had a great sense of humour - even while talking about his chemotherapy ... He said he wouldn't mind going to chemotherapy for the next 100 years - because that would mean he has at least a hundred years more to live ... I believe he IS with me and he will be always. If I didn't believe that I would go insane. I want to believe that I just have to be open enough to fell him here again. I'm not sure I can explain ... I haven't been to his grave since Monday morning. Since I saw his name on the stone. It was such a shock, I didn't expect that seeing his name and the date of his birth and death would upset me so much. I was shaking the whole day. I knew his name would be there one day, under his mom's who died 5 years ago, but seeing that - was still such a shock. I started shaking and couldn't cry until I came to work. It's like I could have imagined before that he would be back someday, but now it became final. Though I still haven't accepted it and I think I still wait for his phone call or want to call him. I can see him all the time, lying in bed, and can still feel his hand. He suffered so much, the pain he felt was horrible, and there was nothing I could have done but to hold his hand and tell him I love him and would always be with him. He was the most wonderful person I have ever met. Why did he have to suffer so much???

My dearest friend, the man who was the most important person in my life, died 7 weeks 6 days ago. He was just 32 and died after 3 years struggling with cancer. For 3 years we were hoping and praying and BELIEVING that he would be ok, that he was getting better and that he would be soon able to do the things he wanted to ... When he died, my hopes and beliefs died too - everything I prayed for, everything I wanted. I don't talk to God anymore. How could I? How can I believe anything now? I don't know what to do. I used to like my job a lot. I thought it was important and I had some goals there. Now I just don't care. It's not important at all! I've been thinking about changing my job - but I think I would feel the same anywhere! Some say changing the environment could help - like going on a holiday - but I'm afraid it would be even worse, as I wouldn't be able to go to his grave or talk about him with people who knew him or - when I'm able to do that - visit places where we were together. On one hand I need to talk about him. On the other hand I avoid people. I rarely answer the phone to my friends, I don't go out with them. I can't stand being around those who worry about things that don't matter. Nothing matters to me anymore. The only living thing I love spendind time with is my dog. We go to school and that is the only thing I do normaly. I think about my love all the time, I cry a lot, I am often mean to people who ask me things (though I know they want to be nice but I just want them to leave me alone) ... It's only been less than a month and life seems so long as he's not coming back. How will I live like this in the next years and probably tens of years???

Hi Ana, I have the same problem in my family, I can't cry openly. None of my family does. Maybe that's why I couldn't spend much time at home, especially first few days after his death but went to the place I work at - I couldn't be with my familiy and I couldn't be alone ... A simple hug - by anyone - was enough and I cried and cried. After the funeral I didn't, I used to sit in the kitchen and stare in front of me, and I couldn't cry even when I was alone. I needed "something" before I could cry again. Now I cry a lot, especially when I'm alone. When I'm not and feel like crying, I try not to, hide the tears or, if I have a chance, go to the toilet or something ... What I'm trying to say is, if you can't cry together with your family and friends, take some time alone, go to his grave alone or to some special place that means something to you. I can't visit our special places yet, it's something that seems too hard to do, but when I do, I will do that alone. Spela P. S. Did you get my email?

Hello, yes I know, they say that your whole life's in front of you - but when I think about this life it sometimes seems so long, without him. It is difficult to ignore such words, they hurt, I would like to scream that I don't want anyone else, but I want him to come back! Most of the people don't know what to say - but in that case it's better to say nothing. Love survives and will always connect us with our loved ones who passed away. My dearest friend died in January, 7 weeks 5 days ago. He will always be the love of my life and he will always be with me. I don't have any advice on what to tell people who say such things. Or how to cope with those who pretend nothing happened. I try to avoid most of them.

Dear Ana, after the funeral of my dearest friend I couldn't cry for almost month. I cried before the funeral, at the funeral, but after that there were days and days that I just stared in front of me, said nothing and all I felt was emptiness. Maybe I felt deep inside that if I start crying I couldn't stop ... It's easier to cry when small things happen. You feel then that the crying can help. But when someone you love dies, the pain is just unimaginable and you now that it can't heal your pain ... Maybe some kind of a "shock" could help you to start to cry again. You should, six months is a long long time ... I started crying again when I came to his grave again, after I was lying in bed with fever - and something seemed so different there. Now I cry all the time ... Try to visit some special places (I still can't do that but maybe it could help you to do that). Sometimes a hug helps - tell your friend or parents you need one ...

Dear Ana and Angellea, my closest friend, the love of my life died in January. He had liver cancer. Though it's a very serious disease, we didn't expect him to die - he was told he was getting better, and in the last months he did feel quite well, but all of a sudden it got much worse, all of a sudden he felt unbearable pain and the doctors said they couldn't do anything but try to relieve his pain. He died two days later. Two days after his 32nd birthday ... I was there with him all the time, holding his hand, hoping, praying ... It's been almost two months now and the truth is it doesn't get better. It still sometimes feels like a dream. All I prayed for in the last three years was for him to get better. I deeply believed he would. Now all the dreams and all the wishes are gone. I only hope to meet him again, someday ... There are moments when I can clearly feel his presence, when I can smile, KNOWING he's around, with me. But most of the time I just don't know what to do. I can't be around people though on the other hand I need to talk about him ... I know the feeling that you describe, Angellea, I can't communicate "normaly". It's very difficult to talk about things that don't matter - and now most of the things are such. I know the feeling when you want to scream, tell everyone to leave you alone and don't ask you about your day, your job, or how you are (that's the question I hate most) - some even think they could cheer you up with gossips! At least I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. I'm sorry for you both, losing your brothers. Thank you, Ana, for your answer in the other forum. I believe that our loved ones will always be with us. Wish you all the best! Spela

Thank you Ana for your answer. I just came from the graveyard and am still in shock after I saw his name on the stone ... They couldn't have made it earlier because there was snow. I couldn't imagine what a shock it would be to see his name written there. Like I could have pretended before that he would come back - and now I can't anymore. It's final. I have been wondering whether I should call his sisters. I was thinking that maybe, as I'm not part of the family, they would rather be alone. I have contacts with his younger sister who's now alone with her father (his two big sisters have their own families and his mother died five years ago) but I didn't know if it is ok to ask her if we could go out and talk - though I would like that ... Because we do understand each other. Thank you for sharing your experience. Can I ask you what happened to your brother, if it is not too dificult for you to write? If it is, I'm sorry for asking.

Dear everybody, I have read your words and they could hace been mine ... There is some comfort in knowing that there are people who do understand and know how you feel ... The boy I love died in January, he was only 32 years old, he had cancer. It still feels like a dream. Everything - the life I'm living now, his death, all the moments we had together ... I can't talk to my friends - I know that they can't understand. I wand at least dream about him. I want to see him in my dreams, smiling, being happy ... But the dreams I've been having are bad dreams. I dream that he's lying in bed, dying, alone ... Though I was there with him when he died, hodling his hand, telling him I love him and always will ... Now I'm just thinking and asking: Will we ever meet again?

They who are loved can never die ...

Hello! I know how you all feel. My name is Spela (that's a Slovenian name, and am a girl), and the boy that I love died of cancer on 27th January. Six week and six days ago ... He was 32, died 2 days after his birthday. I'm 26, I'll be 27 in April (am afradi of that day, being alone ...) I still can't accept it. After the funeral I cried very little. Now, for the last two weeks I cry all the time ... I can't be around people. How to answer the question: "How are you?" - I pretend not to hear it ... I'm sorry for all of you. I know how much it hurts. But we'll never be alone. We all have someone who will always be will us. I deeply believe that. That is the only thing that helps. The feeling I had while I was going home from the funeral - I just KNEW he was there with me and not in the grave. I haven't had that feeling since, not so strong - I can't say how strong it was then. Maybe I think too much about it. Take care, all of you!

I've been wondering the same thing. What to do now when nothing seems important? It's been only six weeks since he died but I don't think it will be different after nine months ... You don't have to try not to cry. Crying is healing. Though I often have a feeling I won't be able to stop ... I believe my dearest friend is with me all the time - and that helps. You have loved - and therefore you know what is important. Try to find comfort in your belief that your boyfriend is in Heaven. You can still talk to him, tell him how you feel. i'm sure he knows ... There are things that make grieving harder - things that people around you expect from you. People who don't understand. People who say stupid and horrible things like "you should forget and live on". But you can't forget the person who means to you everything in the world! Or they say that the pain goes away as times goes by. But it doesn't. I don't think so. But I believe that you learn to live with that pain, accept it, find some meaning. Look at it from another point of view. Don't think that something is wrong with you if you feel the way you feel! You have every right to! I don't go out, I rarely answer the phone, I avoid conversation and "small talk". I can't! I can't pretend that everything is the same! Because it's not. Those who don't understand that are just not important. May I ask you how old you are? I'll be 27 in April. The boy that I love was 32. He had cancer. the only wish I had for the last three years didn't come true. He died. At least I had a chance to be with him, to hold his hand, tell him that he's not alone and that I will always love him...

I am new to this forum. My dearest friend died six weeks ago. January 27th. He was struggling with liver cancer for 3 years. We believed he would be all right. The cancer didn't spread and it seemed obvious he would recover! He was so optimistic all the time, so positive, so brave ... On his birthday, on 25th January, he felt horrible pain and was taken to hospital. He died two days later. He was 32 years old ... I'll be 27 in April - am already afraid of that day. How will I manage without him???? The only comfort is that I was there, all the time, while he was dying. I was holding his hand, telling him that I love him and he would never be alone ... But why??? I miss him terribly, though I strongly believe he is still with me. He will always be. But it's so different ... And I'm so lonely ... I can't imagine that I could ever love anyone else. I will always love him. How could god be so unfair??? Someone wrote in another topic that he (she?) feels the presence of his/her fiance. I believe that we never really die. On the night when he died my friend dreamt about us - that we were holding hands. Which we were. On the night before the funeral I dreamt about him. He said "thank you". And just after the funeral, while I was going home, I felt so clearly his presence - so clearly, that I KNEW he could'n be in the grave! How could he if he's here with me! After that I haven't had such a strong feeling ... But I still believe. And I talk to him. I've been crying a lot. I cried when a co-worker told us his girlfriend gave birth to a son ... I know this message is confused - which reflects my emotions ...

Thank you SteveG for your message. I wish everyone around me read this - which is impossible. But can I send it to ma friends - then they might understand it better? If you don't mind ... My dearest friend died at the age of 32 six weeks ago. He had cancer. It is hard going to work, meeting people who knew him (he worked at the same place as I do - not the same job though, I am a reporter and he was a technician at the radio) and they don't say a word about him. Are they afraid they would "remind" me of my pain? I think about it and about him all the time! I can't go out with my friends, I wouldn't cope with "girl-talk" as they would probably want, to "cheer me up" ... I rarely answer the phone. Nothing is like it used to be and it will never be! I can't talk to people about everyday things - I can't pretend everything is normal. It might not be fair to them, but I just can't ...