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Thank you Dusky!

KayC, I'm sorry that you had to discover such painful things. I have to repeat what ustwo wrote - it was something he could not control, and it doesn't mean he loved you less. Addiction was his disease, something that was too strong for him. You've already found the answer and you know you had - and have - ALL his love. And when you think about how much he has given you, how much joy and love, and how grateful you are to have him, think also what you have given him - your unconditional love, think about how much you meant to him, and how much light you brought into his life. He had problems, but he was lucky to have you. We don't. I haven't written much lately - not because I wouldn't care but because I don't always find the words. But I do come here to "listen".

Walt, I've been thinking a lot about your question lately. What is it that has helped me to survive? Almost a year ago I couldn't even imagine I would come that far - that I would still be here after so much time. I didn't want to. The support and understanding of all of you has been a really big help. This forum has helped me more than most of you probably know. I don't know where I would be now without a special friend who I "met" here (though I have never met her in person, she's been a really good friend). But there's also something else - my strong belief that he's still here, with me, and will always be, and that somedaywe I will see him again. That has helped me to survive.

Thank you. Happy New Year to you too. I can't believe it can be "happy"? Last night was horrible, it got worse every minute, and I went to bed early, crying and holding his picture. At midnight (I had radio on) I kissed him and said "happy New Year" to him - and in a way I was with him, like before, it didn't change much though everything's changed ... People wish me a better year than tha one that just ended. I don't know how to respond. What do they mean by "better" - my meaning of "better" is the way it was before, when he was here. Maybe it can and will be more peaceful and easier to handle and to stay sane - maybe that's what they mean by "better" ... Sometimes it's even hard to believe that things still happen around me and that the New Year has come - now that he died ... I think you made a good decision about a dog - it's good to have someone who needs you and your attention. Dogs really are perfect friends, they never complain, they're always there to listen and don't talk much (or at all), and are always happy to see you when you get home. Training them can be another way of remembering Tom, another thing he's being proud of you for ... Take care!

Thank you, my dear friends. I have something to add to what I wrote before (and now I'm writing for the second time, I deleted my post by accident) ... Yesterday, when I was going home from work, I felt - probably for the first time in 11 months - good about myself. I didn't hate or dislike myself and feel I'm a bad and bitter person but I do care about people and don't want to hurt them or hurt myself. And for the first time I felt I am NOT alone, though I don't often hear from my "old" friends. I do have friends, there're so many people here on this forum who are there to listen. Thank you all! Another thing is that I can say - for the first time - that I AM learning how to live again (and not only thinking that someday I will, maybe, start to learn that). Not to live without him - I couldn't do that and I wouldn't even want to - but with him, yes in a different way but love stays the same. I'm still deeply in love with him, and if some "other" people think that's crazy or that I should "move on", that doesn't upset me anymore. It's their problem, not mine. I feel peaceful now, and don't want to die anymore. I will live, with my love for him ... I wanted to write that to tell you there is hope for you to find peace again. I wish you all the best!

December is hard. The first half I was quiite "successful" at ignoring that the holidays are coming ... Now the first Christmas card came - it says "May all your wishes come true" ... I don't know how to respond to that or how to respond to "Happy New Year" ... I had one wish, that he gets well. He didn't. He died. I don't have any wishes now. Nothing else matters anymore ... How different it all was a year ago. When I still had faith. When I still believed he would be alright. When I still had so much hope - and felt alive ... Next year it will be the first whole year without him. Nothing to look forward to. In fact I wanted to write something else ... I wanted to say how much I appreciate this forum. I am really grateful for it. It helps me feel normal, even now when everybody seem to be celebrating, and I can't ... Thank you, to all of you who write here. Thank you Walt, Kay, ustwo, Dusky and others. Thank you Nikki, you are a true friend. And thank you Marty - for this forum. Words can't say how much it has helped me and how much it means to me.

Ustwo, thank you for sharing this with us. Your words made me cry - I'm so touched. Thank you. Your story says more thatn you think - it's a reminder to think of the happy times and remember them. My thought at first was - I wish I had tapes not just photos - but I have my wonderful memories ... you're lucky to have these tapes ... and to the rest of you: we all have our own "tapes" - their gifts, their smiles on photographs, little reminders, our special places, the kind of food they would like, what they would say to us ... We have our memories, we always will have them. Thank you Ustwo!

Hi John, I'm back here - these last days I couldn't write much, or even read the forum. You're asking about acceptance. At first I couldn't even imagine that I would ever be able to "accept". I still have such moments sometimes. I don't know if I have come to the point of "acceptance" - sometimes I think I have, sometimes I'm still scared and I think "it couldn't be real". Maybe it's when you're no longer waiting all the time for the moment when you'll find out that it's only been a nightmare. When you somehow realise it's not just a dream ... It comes slowly - acceptance - first only for a brief moment, and you can still have moments when you don't want to accept. You still go back sometimes, you still have bad and very bad days - but they don't come so often ... I think.

Thank you Marty, for the advice, and especially for this forum.

Walt, I don't think it's crazy, I think it is wonderful that you can do that and find comfort in it. Recently I had doctor's appointment, I was afraidn it could be something serious - but it wasn't. I was surprised by how peaceful I felt as I was waiting there, and when I was leaving, I thought how happy I am to have Janez in my life! In the same moment I asked myself - where did this thought come from, don't I know he died?!?! But I felt he's there with me, felt more that his presence, it was like he was there telling me I would be fine ...

Walt, I don't think I have the right answer. My approach to reading about grief is somehow different. I don't try to understand everything. If there's something I can't accept I don't try to - because it would only take my energy away and at the end I still won't accept the idea. That's why I don't have any answer to this. I would just turn the page and continue with something I can accept and understand. Probably I didn't help you a lot? Maybe others know more ...

Ustwo, you HAVE been a huge support by being here. Writing about things that we all feel makes us aware that we're not alone. I was thinking the other day, when I got up, if this really is how it's going to be ... Life without him here ... not the way he was here before ... Like a part of me still doesn't want to give up the hope that it might only be a horrible dream, that maybe one day I will wake up and he'll be there ... But love doesn't die ... Love is what connects us, wherever we are ... Thank you for being here.

What a beautiful post ... I'm glad that you came back here. Happy birthday!

Dear friend, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss. I hope that writing about it has helped you. A lot of people have read your story - you can see by the number of views - and you shouldn't think you were writing it for nobody. Please know there are people here who care and understand, and I hope you'll come back to this site. Being here has helped me a lot. Take care!

John, I'm sorry for your loss. I admire your strenght, it is wonderful that you are able to mark the anniversary the way you did. In the first 8 months I wasn't even able to see anybody or answer the phone - well I still rather spend time by myself, I feel more comfortable that way. I can't cry in front of other people, and I hate it that I have to pretend that I'm ok - that everything is normal. I was expecting that the world would stop, because it's such an empty and meaningless place without him. But the world didn't stop - like it didn't realise what happened. I am grateful for this forum, it's a place where I don't feel as someone from another planet. Though I havent' been able to write or even read much lately. Thank you for your enccouraging post. Take care!

Thank you WaltC. I love that thought and find some comfort in it. Some days I just try to hide my tears and start crying as soon as I'm alone for a moment. It scares me that I don't know if and how I can do this without him. It's been 9 months - and it seems so hard to believe that after so much time he STILL isn't back?? Do I sound insane? I feel that way sometimes. Thank you Walt. Thank you for everything you write here. Take care!

Thank you. I'm having a (very) bad day today ...

I couldn't read the forum for a few days. I would just like to say thank you for sharing these thoughts!

I'm sorry for your loss. You should know it is NOT a punishment. People die, some die young, they die even though they "shouldn't" because we love them. You have every right to say that it's not fair. But try to think the other way too, about how lucky you are to have had her in your life. Keep writing here, we understand.

Happy birthday, KayC! I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I'm sorry that your friends didn't call. I know it is hard to get through you first birthday without him (I'm not sure that the second one will be any easier??). My birthay was in April, and I just wanted to be alone. I turned off my telepfone that day - one thing I definitely did don want to hear was "happy birthday". How could it be happy? How could I celebrate? I do believe he was with me that day - like he is all the time - although I felt alone and miserable. He understands. I wish you to find some peace, knowing that you are not alone and that George is with you, all the time.

Thank you Marty. I wish more people read this, not only those who are grieving. I know I don't have to be strong but the truth is, it's getting more and more difficult to talk about how I feel - as for other people it's something from the past, something that happened a long time ago. But we live without them NOW, and that's not something from the past.

Hi everybody, in the last few days I haven't been able to write much. I tried to - I startet a new post several times, but couldn't offer anything. WaltC, I wanted to write some positive thought for your wedding anniversary - but I was empty. I just want you to know I'm still here.

It's a beautiful song. Yesterday I was listening to it in my car when I was driving home from the cemetery, and was crying. I know that can be dangerous but ...

Thank you Marty!

KayC, trust yoursefl and your own feelings. You DON'T have to listen to others and accept ANY advice they have. They are also only human, what makes them more qualified for telling you what you should do - and they don't know anything about you and/or George. Tell them (try kindly ) that you don't agree with that, and if that doesn't work, try to find another group. Trust yourself, don't do anything that you don't think it's right.