spela

Nikki, I've been having similar thoughts lately ... Especially after I came back from holidays and had to see that he's still not back and I will have to accept it. I don't want to accept it! I want to keep waiting for his phone call, I want to keep hoping I will see him, go out for dinner with him ... he promised me special dinner just a few days before he died! The holidays with his sister were fine, I could feel him there, I could almost see him and hear him underneath the hot Greek sun, and swimming with a turtle was like a gift from him, like one of those gifts that make you fall in love with him over and over again ... But then I returned back home, and it all seemed even worse, I don't know what to do, I just miss him - and, like I wrote once, I miss him more and more, though I don't know how it is even possible to miss him more ...

Thank you for your answers. I haven't been thinking much about that lately. I'm not able of reaching people, I haven't seen most of my friends (except the ones I work with) since - which means for almost months! If she contacts me, I think I'll talk to her. People mostly don't call anymore, as I didn't answer the phone for months. I know I have changed, in a way I want to be left alone the whole time, but in a way I feel even worse because that makes me feel nobody cares anymore??? Anyway, thank you for your answers. KayC - I can't believe people could say such things!?!?!?! Sorry you had to hear that.

WaltC, what a wonderful poem! Thank you!!! Princess, believe in signs, I get them too and they are wonderful ...

ustwo and WaltC, I'm sorry for your losses. Thank you for your words, full of love and hope. WaltC, I also write and talk about my loved one in present tense. I do believe he's here. I returned from holidays with his sister 3 days ago. We talked about him a lot, we cried and laughed - and you know, sometimes it felt like he was physically there with us, I could almost see him and hear him ... There are things that happen that I'm sure are signs from him - he would do someting sweet, to make me smile ... and in those moments I KNOW - that he's well and happy and that I will see him again and be with him. Forever this time. It helps me to know I'm not the only one who believes that. Thank you. Take care!

thank you for sharing ... Yes, I feel so alone ...

Has anyone heard from Nikki?

I'm sorry for your loss. I'd like to say to you to be gentle with yourself. You don't have to make any decisions yet about his stuff. One month is a very short time. After almost 5 months I still sometimes feel like it couldn't have happened, like it's just a nightmare. I think it must be even harder to accept it if you were not there when he died and you were told about it. Don't be hard on yourself and let yourself feel what you feel. Take care.

Hi Walt, oh I just don't know what to say ... it seems unreal, doesn't it - that the world hasn't stopped, that people still do things, that time does go by, that the sun still rises every day ... it's been almost 5 months since Janez died - it will be 19 weeks tomorrow. it just doesn't make any sense ...

I haven't written here for some time now. I feel like I don't have anything to write - there are no words for this. I've been so tired, of all these feelings, of people around me who ask me simple things but which demand my attention when I just want to be left alone and have no energy at all. Sometimes I wish I would just go to sleep, for a very long time, not think about anything, just sleep, and when I wake up, he sill be there and everything will be well - and this will turn out to be only a long nightmare .... a really long one .... I still hope it's only a nightmare. I don't want to accept that it really happened. I've been reading posts here and sometimes I had a feeling that they don't make any sense (including mine) - that I'm only an observer. Like a dream. Still, at least sometimes ...

Thank you for sharing, Sweetgirl. I'm sorry for your loss.

Sweetgirl, if you have enough room, you can keep everything, until you're prepared to decide what to do. Otherwise there are maybe some of his things that you can give to his parents, siblings or friends, it will mean a lot to them, to have something that belonged to him, and it will give you a chance to do something good with his things. It's just a suggestion. Take care!

I'm sorry for your wife. My dearest friend died of cancer almost 4 months ago, two days after his 32nd birthday which he never had a chance to celebrate, he was in such pain for the last two days ... I'm not going to tell you that life goes on, as some people say and think that should make you feel better. No life changes completely. It even seems impossible to understand how come that the world didn't stop that day ... I believe you'll be married not only until your death, but also after ... Take care!

thank you so much!

I read my last email again ... I'm afraid I'm turning into a mean, insensitive person, who doesn't care about anything anymore. I'm afraid he wouldn't even like me now ... Sorry to all!

Erin, I should say sorry for MY spelling mistakes - I noticed there are so many. Next time someone asks me about my "diet", I might just give them my "advice" and say, oh, well, it's really not difficult to lose weight - someone you love must die and you'll be thin in a few weeks! Diron, the dating question - yes, I'm dating, my "favourite" place is the graveyard, and, as I'm a modern woman, I don't wait for my date to bring me flowers, I bring them to him! You can borrow that, if you want ... Take care!

Thank you, Diron. I had 2 or 3 not so bad days, I thought that maybe it's getting easier somehow. Well, yesterday I was afraid I would ahve a nervous breakdown. I couldn't breathe for some time, I had to scream, the feeling was so horrible, I don't know how to desrcibe as it had never happened to me before. I'm so nervous sometimes, I can't handle my job and the stress there - I spend so much energy even for simple things, when there's something more to do, like yesterday, I just can't! I was so nervous at work, and this happened them when I got home. I had a dog school later and it was somehow bearable for at least one hour. I just don't know how (and if) I can make it - my life, daily routine, the stress at work, while I already have to deal with the fact that he died!

Thank you, Diron, for your words. My dearest friend died of cancer, exactly one month before your beloved Ron. This weekend was the first time since then when I felt no so very very down as most of the time. And though I know the pain will always stay with me, I now, at least sometimes, think in a way that maybe I'll make it. First I was only thinking of all these long years ahead, all these years without him. I still think about that, but not all of the time ... I'm sorry for your loss. And thank you again.

Nikki, if you already checked your email today, please check it again - I've sent you a correction, I've made a stupid mistake in my first email, I really should read what I write BEFORE sending ...

Hi Erin, it's good to hear from you. I still often have this feeling of disbelief. I still can't accept ... There's so muyh anger sometimes - which wasn't there before, I wasn't able to feel anger. I wrote yesterday under another topic of this forum, sometimes I would just scream and yell at somebody. I work in the media and since I had to write about the dying of the pope, I'm thinking that I should change my job when I'll be able to think about other things ... I used to like this job but when my editor - who's actually a good person - told me to do this, he didn't even seem to realize that by writing about it, I was going through HIS last hours again, when I was holding his hand, telling him I love him and still hoping he would open his eyes, look at me and eventually get out of bed! I hate it when people say, that I should get on with my life, go out with friends instead of not answering my phone - what do THEY know? How can they tell me thing like: "I know how you feel, BUT ... " (telling my what I should do)? And I hate it when they some - no, most of them around me, colleagues from work who knew him - seem to forget! They don't mention his name, they ask me how I manage to lose my weight, what kind of diet I had and they wish they would lose some weight too. What do they expect me to say - thank you?! ?! Or something really mean, like, well, imagine your husband/girlfriend/... died - and you'll know what my "diet" is! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so bittered now, so angry, sorry you must have been reading this. It really is good to hear from you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy ... I would scream at everybody who want something from me - even if that's just a simple question, such as "what time ist it?" or something else where they expect my answer ... Or when they ask me how I am. How do you think I am?! Sometimes I answer by "not too well" or something like that - but than, when I'm left alone, I start crying, because it's not only "not well", it's much much worse than that!! And then some people complain to me about their job and how bad it is - WHAT? Why would I care?!! I'm still so upset at my friend, who, two days after the funeral, wrote to me that she's been having a hard time recently (she's being homesick, as she live abroad). I didn't answer her - what should I tell her? How can you say this to someone who has just buried the person they love most? I'm mad at my boss who made me do reports about the death of the pope - and didn't seem to realize what I was going through when I had to do it! It's all inside me, and I would just scream!!!

Erin, just wondering how you are ... Spela

I've been having a really difficult time. My birthday was on Friday and I was feeling so alone, so depressed ... Everything seemed so meaningless and it really seemed to me I couldn't make it ... Then, there came a sign from him, just at the time when I needed it most. I believe it was from him, I really do. And now it's a somehow easier - I feel he's around ... It's like he knew I was so desperate I needed "something" ... Take care, all of you

I'm so sorry for you. What I keep telling myself is that life's worth living, to keep my memories of him alive ... though it's one thing to say and completely another thing to do ... It's been 3 months 4 days since my dearest friend died of cancer and I don't think it's getting easier. He was just 32 - I'm 27, my birthday was just yesterday. He died two days after his birthday - and, no, I didn't expect that. I was so sure he would be ok, and he believed that too, and then, all of a sudden, in two days ... it still seems like a bad dream ... What helps me is that I do believe that he's here. Sometimes I can feel him so clearly ... right now I wish for that feeling to come back, to feel this huge hole in my life ... As for moving away ... I don't know, people are different. Maybe it could help to some people. After he died, I went abroad once, for not even a week (to a seminar, not on holidays). It was ... so unreal. I can't describe, I had a feeling that everything would be well when I come home, and I would see him and talk to him again ... Then, at night, I "remembered", and it still seemed so unreal, like I was only an observer of my own life. But I had bad dreams, I was dreaming that he's dying and I'm far far away ... I think it's good to talk about him - it helps to talk to people who knew him and who cared. Talk to your son, it will help him too ... they say that if you don't express your feelings, they will not disappear but will come back at some point and appear, sometimes as a disease ... or write here, if you can't talk yet. It's easier to write for me too .. take care!

Oh, I KNOW, Erin, it's sooo not the same! I'd give anything to see him again ... and often still expect that he would call and I would hear his laugh in response to my concerns ... so many little things I miss ... I talked to his sister yesterday, we spent a few hours crying, looking at some photographs, talking about him ... First I hesitated to go our with her, thinking that I don't want her to feel even worse - and she thought the same about going out with me, she said that it's maybe better if we don't do that, because we would end up crying all the time. We did - but it helped to both of us ... We can feel each other - at one moment, we were at the same time thinking of the same thing. That he's there with us, sitting on the back seat of my car, and laughing and saying: oh girls, I'm here, with you, just look again, how come that you don't see me and you're crying? I was thinking that and his sister said it out loud ... he laughed a lot, he had an incredible sense of humour, he was always so positive and his laugh was such that it made everybody laugh ... On every photograph he's smiling or laughing ... Why didn't we know more? Why couldn't we know what could help him recover? Was chemotherapy helpful in any way? If we had tried something else (God knows what!), is there a chance that he would be ok now?

I haven't talked yet about that. I understand that a lot of people don't know hot to react and that they don't understand how I feel, if they haven't experienced the death of someone they deeply love ... I understand that they didn't know whether to call me of not. What really bothers me is a message that I got from my friend, my good friend actually, who I could talk to about his disease and how I felt ... About 2 years ago that friend moved abroad, to live with her boyfriend - she comes home a few times a year and we used to go for a drink. We were writing emails etc. What I really don't understand is the SMS that she sent to me one day after his funeral, in which she wrote: "I'm having a really hard time" - and something which I don't remember anymore, some personal problems, but I really can't understand how she could write that to me when I had just buried the one person I love most and were havin the hardest time ever (which I still have ...)!!! I didn't answer and I deleted that message instantly. However, it still bothers me ... I haven't been in touch with her since.