kayc

Cheryl, I think you handled it wonderfully! You are NOT defined merely as a widow...you let them know the other aspects of you, but you're right, you really don't want people to assume you're divorced, so letting them know you are widowed is probably best. I think if you try to remain upbeat (at least until you get to know someone in a familiar way), they will want to be with you. You say you lost your old friends, that is common...when the see the jarring affect such loss causes, they often want to run! But these new people are not seeing that, they're seeing you a year later, someone who has a lot to offer as a person, someone who is a survivor, I'm sure they see you as a positive person they'd like to know. Her look of shock and sadness was probably in thinking perhaps she'd blundered. If YOU are comfortable talking about it, SHE will be more comfortable too. I'd encourage you to go back and continue trying to make friends, it sounds like a good place to be! Kay

Chris, That is what I'd felt too...George and I were always together when we weren't working, so it was hard. It was a long time before I could get groceries because that was something we'd always done together. It was painful to mow the lawn or wash the car cuz he'd always done that and it just felt like a reminder that I no longer had that person to look after me and care about me. It does get somewhat better with time, and seven months isn't that far out, you are doing well considering, but I know it's tough, people don't see the tears you cry when you're alone, or feel the emptiness inside of you. (((hugs))) Kay

Work was my lifesaver when George died. It occupied my time and attention. It was when I was off that it was the worst. I hope you can keep it going, for your sake as well.

First let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I am a little confused about some of the things...are you saying you lost your BF, his brother, AND his uncle all in the accident? What country are you in that they don't allow women at cemetaries? That is shocking to me! Was your BF drinking before the accident and he was driving? Do you feel responsible for his drinking? Please understand, that your relationship wasn't perfect...we all have faults and weaknesses and our relationships bear that. If your relationship had been totally perfect, you probably wouldn't have succumbed to kissing someone. You are still very young, perhaps you felt you had not experienced enough in life or had limited yourself somehow with one person. That's pretty common for young people. In your case, you expressed regret and sorrow over the kiss and if your relationship was a strong one, it probably would have survived it. Usually "cheating" on someone results in the relationship being changed...while it hurts it in ways, in some ways it can be the catalyst for repairing weak areas in the relationship, which ultimately can strengthen it. Trust can be mended, with time and great effort. You didn't get that time or the chance to see it to fruition. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened if he had lived. In time you will be able to know deep inside of you if that was the case. You say you feel God took him from you, maybe as a punishment? No, God doesn't work that way. Life happens, we don't always know how/why it goes the way it does, but it does and we can't change that. Life is unfair. Life is not distributed evenly. Some people get their spouse for 50 years before they die, others only a year...still others never even got to make it to the altar. I guess all of us were lucky in that we got to have the person in our lives at all, that we knew them and shared love with them. Have you heard Garth Brooks' "The Dance"? I think about that when I think about having lost my husband. We never had any idea he would die so soon, we weren't finished living (together) yet. It might help to get some counseling to help you with the unresolved issues, it's not good to carry around the guilt. One thing I have learned in life about guilt is, it has a purpose, and that purpose is to call attention to a needed change. Beyond that, it does us no earthly good. If we continue to carry it around after making those changes, it holds us down, imprisons us with shame, and that is a negative thing that does us no good whatsoever. We have to know when it is time to let go of guilt and now is that time. Your loss is a huge magnitude, I would recommend spending time with friends and family as much as you can and continue posting here with others who understand and care. (((hugs))) Kay

Yes it is common to feel that way. However, I felt it was better to confront my feelings by forcing myself to enjoy these happy couples rather than envy/avoid them. My sisters are married, most of my friends from church are married or have someone in their life. I just lost my fiance and it seems to have just built upon the loss I already faced. I feel very alone. Today a friend called me with the good news that she's met someone special, she's been avoiding telling me because she thought it would be hard for me in light of my loss of Jim. But I feel nothing but happiness for her, she's been searching/waiting for a long time and I'm truly glad for her. I realize that her good fortune doesn't alter anything in my life at all, not detrimental or otherwise. But then I've never been one to envy other's fortunes, those who win the lottery, luck out with husbands, have kids that adore them, great jobs, etc. Life just is what it is. I would really hate to gyp myself of a friendship because they happen to have someone in their life. Try feeling glad for them that they are not experiencing what you are right now...chances are one of them will someday, not a good thought.

Darl, I'm sorry you lost your husband, this is going to be very hard but we will be here as a group to walk with you through it. I don't know how you even went, it's not realistic to try and enjoy something when you are so new at your loss. I'm sure your daughter meant well and probably thought she could take your mind off things, but it doesn't work that way. It would be great to be able to sleep away the pain but that doesn't seem to work that way for most of us either. You are undoubtedly in shock and it's hard to even comprehend, let alone process, the changes that have just occurred. You will need supportive people there with you to call on from time to time, esp. in the beginning. Right now, just getting through the day is going to be a feat. We have found it helps to not try and think about the rest of our lives, but just keep present in today. It is a lot of work, grieving, and it takes a lot of time and effort. It helps to get your feelings out, express yourself to us, your pain, your fear, your sorrow, your loss, your accomplishments, all of it. (((hugs))) to you! Kay

Jennalee, Is there some way you can continue running the business and hire the technical stuff done? If it's as profitable as you say, perhaps some could be spent for that. Plus there are all those tax deductions you can take from having your own business, and also deductions for running it from home. I think it'd be a great way of honoring him!

I have a "Letters to George" file on my computer. I write the date and my thoughts. It's kind of like journaling, but they are actually directed to HIM. I also used art to depict my grief...I illustrated what I was feeling, and another one to depict what I WANTED to feel (kind of a goal). I made a collage of George's life before me (childhood, family, etc.), and his life with me. I walk every day, and that helps relieve stress and collect my thoughts. I also commute a long drive and that gives me time to mull things over. I listened to his music and wondered what it was about that song that he particularly liked. He will always be a part of my household, for he lives here with me. They are right about having to go through the pain, because we cannot circumvent it and still deal with our grief. I once had a neighbor that was married, and her and her husband loved each other deeply. One day he died and she didn't deal with it...two weeks later she moved in with another man without ever having done her grieving. She left her home and belongings untouched and there they sat for years. One day the new man died and now she was faced with TWO deaths to grieve. She had to sort through the house and belongings and put her house up for sale. She ended up selling both places and starting fresh. But what she did with the grief was push it back...and drink. Not the healthiest route IMHO. She really, in the end, spared herself nothing, it just put it off. You see, we can't avoid it, it's still there, waiting for us to deal with it.

I'm glad you spoke with a Psychologist. If you contemplate such fantasies again, go to marriagebuilders.com and post your desire there...stand back and wait for the responses...they will be forthcoming, and they'll give you at least a million good reasons to think again. It takes time, lots of time, to know someone well enough to marry them. And every reason in the world is probably a better one than their looks. Someone can look just like your husband, they could be his twin, but they will not be him, they will be vastly different. It would be a recipe for disaster! It is nothing more than sheer fantasy. Fantasies in and of themselves are harmless, but if we dwell on them or allow them to cross over into reality, it changes things...sometimes the consequences can be longlasting. I am glad you feel comfortable enough to speak candidly here. It's my opinion that it is healthier to express what you are feeling and deal with it than to keep it bottled up and never address it. It also makes others brave enough to voice themselves. That's what this forum is all about, and in so doing, we help each other through this journey.

You aren't the first one to think along these lines, it's wanting to rebuild what was lost, but that can't be done. Please go read my story in "Loss of Love Relationship", there are two threads in the beginning of that section dealing with what I went through when I remarried to John. That should cure you of any such impulse. Mine is the example of what NOT to do. (((hugs))) Kay

Cheryl, Thank you for your words of encouragement, I surely need them right now. My story is over in "Loss of Love Relationship" (Here I go again)...my fiance and I were engaged for a year and this was quite a shock to me, three weeks ago tomorrow. My transmission just went out on my truck today and my dog is very sick. Life goes like that. I married after George died and it was a disaster (also in "Loss of Love Relationship", in fact the thread was created for me and Wendy, another lady from this site that lost a subsequent love). I've about given up on guys, I should have called it good with George, but it was our wonderful relationship that made me want to try again. Now I've kind of resigned myself to just being alone, I'm tired of being hurt and no longer trust men. I borrowed my son's truck and took my dog to the vet, 60 miles away, so hopefully he'll start getting better now. I do appreciate your kinds words, I really needed them this afternoon. Love, Kay

Yes Melina, this does indeed sometimes feel like Hell. But it is not unending as we might think. I also have an inept mother. We don't get to pick them...I figure they are like "feelings", just something to contend with. How fortunate that for some people this is not so! We don't get to pick our mothers, but we can BE the mother someone else needs, and that can give your life purpose and meaning. Melina, your husband is not completely gone, he is only out of reach. You may not hear him, but have you considered that just maybe he can hear you? There is so much we don't know about afterlife and other worlds, but I know George's spirit lives on and since he doesn't reside in that physical shell of a body that let him down, perhaps, just perhaps, his spirit is anywhere/everywhere, I do know this, he lives on inside of me, not just his memory, but HIM! I find consolation in knowing he is there, knowing there is that one person in the world that truly loves me and it is him. Knowing that if I listen real still and quiet sometimes I can find direction and encouragement and comfort from him. It took me a while to get to that point, but it came. When I was out of work a year after he died and no one would give me the time of day, I always seemed to make the "top three", but no job ensued from it, it was George that encouraged me to keep trying, and him who cheered me on and him that celebrated with me when I finally got a job. Does that sound crazy? I'm beyond caring if I sound crazy or not...this is a world that belongs to us grievers and the non-grievers can't possibly understand, they haven't been through it. Life is in phases. Right now I am still able bodied and working. There will come a day when I will have to move from my home because this one will be too much for me to pay for or maintain. Right now I can still enjoy being here with my dog...there may come a day when I'm in a nursing home and my life will take on drastic changes. I see old people struggling with this all the time. I don't want to struggle, I want to accept. I don't want to be a burden to my kids, but I also know that it's common for kids to have to accept some degree of responsibility for their parents...it's the nature of things. What is my point? My point is, we have phases in life, and it's important to recognize that nothing stays the same, and as such, it's important for us to learn to accept those changes, even though we don't like them...and that's okay too, it's okay to NOT like them, but it does no good to fight against what we cannot change. I hated that my George died. I'd give anything to have him back for just a minute. To just hold him one more time. But that's not my option. My only option is to go on, knowing that someday I will get to be with him and someday I WILL feel him hold me again. It matters not to me whether we have physical or spiritual bodies, what matters to me is that we will be together and we will connect, we always have, always will.

Melina, If you have any such thoughts, I want you to call me. Send me your email address and I will send you my phone number, okay? I am off work today and can talk with you. There are hundreds of people on here and yet I feel such an affinity with you, maybe it's the way you write, I don't know, but I feel a kinship with you, even though your grief is new and fresh and mine is over five years out. Your thoughts are normal and to be expected. I felt them too. I thought about driving my car into a tree at 100 mph. But then I thought of my kids, and my faith, and I knew I couldn't do it, that it's not an option. It's not so much that I wanted to be dead as that I wanted to escape this horrible pain and shell of a life that I was trapped in. I saw no way out, no hope, no future. I only wanted to be with George. But it would be the most selfish act in the whole world to end my life to be with him at the total disregard of my kids, my sisters, future people I have yet to meet and befriend, my job, my pets, etc. We only FEEL no one cares, but the truth is, although people are busy with their lives (as we were), there are still some who care, it just FEELS like they don't. I want you to understand one thing very clearly and it is this: FEELINGS are just feelings, they are there to contend with, but they are no barometer of anything, they are not meant to gauge anything by. It is so important to ACT on what we KNOW is the RIGHT thing to do! I PROMISE YOU it will not always feel this desolate and desperate. It will subside enough for you to handle it. You will have ups and downs. I urge you to see a doctor asap to get a referral to someone who can help you, be it a grief counselor or whoever. Whatever you do, do NOT act on these urges to take your life. Yes, DO think of your children! Even if they're grown, they still need us. They may seems like they are self-sufficient and have their own lives, but they do need us to be here for them. There are future grandchildren who need you in their lives. Melina, you can't see it now, but there are little joys awaiting you, just little things that you will come to appreciate, a gorgeous sunset or thunderstorm, maybe a puppy who adores you, or a child who loves you, but there will be those moments that will come in life. Sometimes it's hard to see that, it's hard to wait, we want everything now, we don't want to go through the pain to get to the other side, but believe me, there IS another side, please hold onto hope and trust me, I've been there. Right now my life is in a down side but it won't always be like that. I had a fiance that broke up with me in a very callous way and my beloved dog is extremely sick and I don't know what's wrong, and my boss is three months behind paying me and I don't see how I'll make it...life for me isn't real terrific right now, my truck won't start and my washing machine just dumped two inches of water all over the floor. But Melina, these kinds of things happen to all of us. We have days we wish we could fast forward, and other days we wish we could re-live. And I'm sure someday I'll look back on today with a different perspective...right now it's just a day to get through. It's really important to remember to stay in the moment and not take on the whole future, it's too much to handle...just take a deep breath and get through this day by one moment at a time. Try to find something good to focus on, something, anything, I remember that was what got me through the worst of the grief, the beginning times...sometimes it was stretching it to find something good about the day, and it was little things, nothing very big, but it wasn't the good things that got me through, it was the LOOKING for them, FOCUSING on good things that got me through. And that takes effort. But then GRIEF takes effort, but I can guarantee you, it is worth the effort to work through this. The worst thing in the world is not this pain, it is apathetic indifference or the inability to feel pain, for to be that way also means you can't feel love, can't feel joy, can't feel, period. My ex-fiance was that way and I feel sorry for him, to be like that is to seem soul-less. But you DO feel, and that is a good and a healthy sign! It means you CAN come through this, just please hang in there and let us help you, okay? I CARE about you! Kay Oh and my transmission just went out on my truck...

I stopped writing for a while because there really wasn't anything new to say, but the pain continues, the hurt, and the confusion. I feel so betrayed, so lied to, so led on. If only he had been up front with me, if only he had done things the right way, I could better tolerate his decision. But this, this is too much, with his not even talking to me. Right up until he broke up with me he was still telling me he loved me, and just a short time before he said he saw us spending our future together. He called me his fiancee to everyone, how does that change? How does he suddenly just not care about me, not think of me, not miss me? I wonder how he is and the pain inside of my heart is searing excruciatingly. I left my ring up at my little sister's accidentally and it pains me to be without it, it is a reminder that I no longer belong to him, or him to me. He has two cigarettes in the ashtray that I have left there, I can't bring myself to throw them out, is that stupid? His voicemail disappeared on my phone and I thought, "I'll never hear his voice again", and it broke my heart. I check on FB for any news of his mother but there is nothing mentioned. It's as if he has disappeared off the face of the Earth to me and I cannot understand that. I cry, but it does no good, there is no one to answer or care. How long will this go on, this pain inside of me which is my constant companion? I wake up in the night with the same thoughts whirling in my head and cannot go back to sleep. Has he missed any sleep at all over me? Unlikely. Otherwise he would not have sent me that note so callously. How does one do something so cruel and live with themselves after that? There is no man who looks so young for his age, who has such beautiful skin, such soft eyes, such soft hair...I miss holding hands with him, I miss cuddling with him on the couch. This week my family were all talking about movies and tears came to my eyes...for he is an incredible movie buff, he knows all of the actors, titles, lines, costumes, everything, and I couldn't bear to think of it. I can barely handle watching anything for it reminds me of him. He was so good with Arlie, and now my Arlie is sick and I know he misses Jim and how can I tell my sweet dog that Jim is never coming here again? It doesn't matter who is interested in me, I am not interested, I only miss my Jim and don't understand how he could desert me in such a fashion. It's so hard to go to church and everyone asks about him, what do I say, that he no longer loves me and didn't mean what he said to me? Why do I have to answer for him when it should be him doing his own dirty work! I am left holding the bag, not even allowed to say goodbye to his daughters, his granddaughter, his neighbors, friends. It was just one year ago he was calling me his princess, how did that change? I was good to him, I do not understand! Are all men liars? Do they all con you and lead you on? I can no longer trust, no longer believe anything anyone says. He has stripped me of my value with less effort than it takes to breathe! What do I do with this wedding dress and shoes? What do I do with our rings? What do I do with this gaping hole he left behind in my heart?!

Oh yes, Melina, we can relate. People (OTHER people) do go back to their lives, no one was impacted by his death quite the way you were. At first you throw yourself into the doing, planning the funeral/memorial, taking care of business that needs attended to, family/friends come to visit, but then they go home and you're left with this emptiness and don't know how you can stand it. It lingers on, year after year, for some it gets better, for others, we get more used to it and learn to live with it. It doesn't always stay in the level of intensity that you are now experiencing, it does get a little more palpable, but I won't kid you, life is not the same "after" as it was "before". You have a new family here that understands what you are going through and one of us is almost always here, listening. I do not know how I would have survived without this site. Just keep pouring your heart out, we hear you. And focus on whatever there is to live for, a child, a pet, whatever you have that helps motivate you in your existence. For me, it's my dog and right now he is terribly sick and I am scared for him. I was on vacation and away from him for four nights and I never have been away from him that long and I don't know if it's that or if he has something else going on, but if he's not better by Wed. I'm taking him to a vet. What I wouldn't give to have George going through all of the trials and joys of life (which lately have been heavier on the trials side) for with him, I could stand anything. I just have to remind myself, he is still here with me even when I can't see him or physically touch him. A love like ours could not be estranged even with death to come between us. Hold onto that thought. Love, Kay

Redwind, I'm sorry you are struggling, how well I understand, for me, the weekends have always been the hardest because that was our special time together. It hasn't gone away for me even after all this time and trying to fill my days up, but I can say I've had some good days and some okay days and you will too. It's just kind of like life doesn't hold the same meaning and purpose and NOONE fills that void that is left with their absence. I wish I knew a good answer to give you, but I just don't. I will say, though, that whenever you're feeling that overwhelming loneliness, please come here, there are others going through the same thing and nearly always, someone is on line to give you a hug or a word of encouragement or just sympathy. you are not alone here. (((hugs))) Kay

Jennalee, 29...that is the age of my son-in-law, that is so young. I am so sorry. My brother in law just had a motorcycle accident, he lost his foot, and we didn't know at first if he'd live or die. My son still rides so it scares me now. I am so glad you have your dog, they are immeasurable comfort. Is there any way you can travel to India for the burial? What you are going through is normal and to be expected. Please keep coming here, there are a lot of people here who understand, have been through it. I don't think there's anything that can prepare you for losing your spouse, it's the hardest thing in the world, but you've survived one week, and the other days will follow, one at a time. Try to stay in the present and not worry about the future, time enough for the future to take care of itself, you have enough to handle with just today. I hope you have family and friends with you that you can call and talk to and will be there for you, it helps. Kay

Yes that is what it is like, but the bad days gradually become less frequent, less intense, eventually we get more used to them being gone. We never stop missing them but we do learn to live with it. Eventually you'll be able to go a couple of months without doing too bad and then all of a sudden out of the sky blue, it hits you, the weirdest thing will serve as a reminder. I remember for me it had been two or three years and I had to have my car worked on and a shuttle van took me back to my office...the thought struck me that George had ridden in that very same shuttle van and I just bawled. I'm sure the driver and passengers wondered what in the world about me, but grief is that way and there's not a lot can be done about it. It hits afresh sometimes with no warning. The best I can say is don't be too surprised at it and realize that this is normal. It DOES get better with time though. Like was said, three steps forward, two steps backwards, so you are moving forward, but you experience the backwards steps too.

I want to give you a huge hug and my heartfelt sympathy in your tremendous loss. I am a huge doglover and can well understand all you must be feeling. Your Speedy only knew that you loved him and were always there for him through thick and thin, there is no way he would attribute to you the feeling abandoned. In short, he probably just didn't understand what was going on. I do know, that from a medical standpoint, it is highly likely if the heat overcame him that he would only be uncomfortable to a point and then it hits the brain, and they no longer are aware of what is going on so would not suffer in the same sense that they would if they were fully aware. The same may hold true if he was hit by a car...they may be confused and not understand but the body has a way of often protecting us from pain with shock as a numbing factor. One of my favorite dogs I've ever had was Fluffy. I took Fluffy and our cat to the vet one day for shots. When I got home, I was getting the cat out of the carrier and giving him medicine. When I got done, I closed the van and drove to work. Unbeknownst to me, Fluffy had snuck back into the van and was being real quiet because he didn't want to get into trouble. I worked at a mill and since there was wood particles in the air, I always kept the windows rolled up. It was very hot (the car would get up to 140 during the day). That night I went out to the car and opened the door, and little Fluffy rolled out into my arms, stiff as a board. Here I was inside an air conditioned office while just right outside my precious little dog was dying! Perhaps he barked, trying to get my attention, but with the noise from the mill, I couldn't hear it. I imagine I felt all the same things you must be feeling. I know the agonized cries that came from me were gutwrenching. I begged the vet to do something, what I don't know, he was already stiff, but in your frantic mind you want a miracle, a dog so vibrant just can't be dead! I have never stopped missing Fluffy, and it has been about 13 years since this happened. We buried him in our back yard, but even without a body, you can erect a memorial. We made a cross and etched his favorite words on it "Go", "Treat", etc. Perhaps you have a favorite toy of his you can bury instead? I scattered my husband's ashes in the backyard when he died, and buried my "Lucky" there, only to discover an animal later dug up her bones...so you see, the bones don't always stay even if we are able to lovingly bury them. The point is to honor their memory, which you can still do. Nothing will destroy your memories with your precious dog. And one day when all is said and done, we will be with them again.

I believe our focus is one of the most important elements to survival. We choose our course, but our feelings are here to contend with. However, our feelings often follow suit with our choices. It does, however, take time. Sometimes we just have to run the gamut of feelings, but our choices can affect them ultimately. For instance, if a person chooses to stay in their house with their shades pulled and the lights dimmed and pours over pictures and memories, they are going to actively stay miserable. If they make the effort to get out and be around others, and focus outward rather than inward, it is going to help them broaden their perspective, and if they take good care of themselves and try to live in the present, it will also help their outlook. But there is no way to circumvent grief and it does flat out hurt, no way to avoid the pain, nor would you want to because then you wouldn't have done the necessary work for survival. Grief does take an immense amount of energy and work! Sometimes just trying to do one thing that you haven't done before that maybe your loved one did, helps your sense of self and helps your acceptance of who you are in the now.

Cheryl, Thinking of you today...you've hit a milestone, you've survived all of the "firsts without" and to me that was a huge feat! I hope it begins to get a little easier for you. Kay

Sometimes it helps break the ice if you bring it up. I remember my mom telling me how much she appreciated my talking about my dad because most people avoided mentioning him, as if it'd make her remember (as if she could ever forget!). How well I understood that when my own husband died. I've always appreciated my friend and my sisters and kids bringing up George's name and talking about him with me. It feels GOOD to me that people remember him!

I am so sorry you're having to go through this. You have found a very good place here, there are a lot of people who've been through this, all in various stages of grief, and we'll be here to help you through this. At first it feels unbearable but eventually you learn how to cope. It is extremely painful at first, it is hard to assimilate everything as it affects you on so many levels. Try not to worry about the future, it helps to stay in the present and just tackle what you must this day. Take good care of yourself, make sure to eat right, drink lots of water, and try to get a walk in every day, it helps to control what you can. It also helps to express yourself, get it out, let out your feelings...alot of people don't know how to give appropriate response to someone grieving, but you can always come here where you'll be understood and cared for. A lot of people find help with a grief counselor or a grief support group as well. (((hugs to you))) Kay

How sweet! I think forgiveness is more for us than them anyway.

Well I'm kind of feeling that way myself too. I know there are some good men out there, I just think they're few and far between and I no longer trust my judgment to pick them. In fact, I no longer trust, period. One of the casualties of what I've been through. I think Jim and I could have stayed friends if he'd handled things differently...we're older and our relationship was companion-like anyway, but I can't get past what he's done to me and how he's done it. I mean, all year long he kept saying he loved me and he intended to spend our future TOGETHER and he kept referring to me as his fiancee. He gave no indication that he intended to break up or anything changed. That's why I feel so betrayed, so led on and deceived. And I'm sick of it. He knew what I'd been through with my ex and he said he'd never hurt me yet here I am.