kayc

Kat, I am so happy for you! Adopting Arlie was the best thing I ever did. I had to pay to have the pen roofed, a doghouse built, and he ate my couch, carpet, rugs, countless shoes, slippers, wall hangings, candles, a book I hadn't gotten to read yet (incidentally, on Boundaries, LOL!), my son's MP3 player, over 100 hand made cards, etc. etc. and you know what? All that is just "stuff" and isn't nearly as important as my dog. He was very sick when I got him so there were vet bills. (God Bless Lane County Animal Services!) and he wasn't housebroken, so there were many clean ups, but you know what? We got through all that and I totally adore this dog. I'll share my pictures if you share yours!

Nirac, Welcome here...it helps to take a day at a time. You are very young to take on so much but maybe taking care of the kids will give you the focus you need to see this through. Good luck to you, please keep coming here, you're not alone. Kay

Nitz, Welcome to this site. For your family and friends, you can tell them it's never "over" and each person deals with their grief individually. Happy Anniversary. I know that sounds hollow being as he's gone but I tell you what, I tell my husband "Happy Anniversary" every year when it rolls around...he knows I'm thinking of him and miss him, and somehow I feel he hears me and knows that. I will never stop missing him...and it's been over 5 years now. I rarely cry over him anymore, maybe I just don't see the point, it doesn't change anything. But always, always, I miss him...but somewhere around the third year I discovered something, I could carry him around in my heart. I never feel he leaves me, and that is a comfort to me. I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but if I am, I know I'm not alone, I have plenty of good company. Kay

Let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I'm not sure the hurting "ends" so much as we slowly become accustomed to the changes wrought on us. You say antidepressants don't work for you...I got off antidepressants when George and I were together so I didn't want to go back on them when he died...I felt the depression was situational rather than chemical anyway, so I decided to tough it out. I am, however, on antianxiety medicine because I feel GAD is a lifelong disorder that I've had and needed something to manage it. Barring medicine, there are other things one can do to help elevate their mood. Exercise being one of them, I walk the dogs twice a day...they're large strong dogs so it's quite a workout. Getting out and around nature is also a mood elevator, and so is spending time with pets. Music can alter one's mood, so long as it's uplifting, that can be a good thing. Some people practice yoga to help them manage their moods. Limiting exposure to depressing things such as the news is also helpful. Helping others also improves one's outlook and feelings, so volunteerism and spending time with others helps. Other boosters are accomplishing something, so it's good to try your hand at things you previously haven't done. We have good opportunity for that when we've lost our mate. I try to visit people in nursing homes every week. Taking care of yourself both with diet, exercise, and time spent on YOU is also good. Get together with friends and enjoy a up of coffee or tea together. None of these things replace your husband, and you won't ever feel the same again, but everything we do to focus on the positive and take care of our spiritual and physical and mental selves is good...it all helps.

Ron, I really appreciate your taking the time to read through the post and respond. I have elected to post here rather than reply in a message because I don't want to have to repeat myself to others who write a message saying some of the same things. I have had my heart broke by five men in my life, that's batting way more than average. Most people it's once, maybe twice. I really tried to look with my brain, not just my heart, when I trusted Jim. He'd been married for 30 years and finally divorced his wife after her repeated cheating. I call 30 years giving a good shot at it. He was family oriented, loyal, and when I met him his daughter and granddaughter lived with him. He lived in the same home for 30 years. He was in the Air Force for 8 years. He graduated from college. He'd owned a local business for over 18 years. He purposely set out to win my trust, he introduced me to his family (excepting his mom who refused to meet me), friends, colleagues, neighbors. My pastor even talked to him about my having been hurt in the past and wanting to know his intentions...he assured both of us he would not hurt me. We spent every weekend together for the 13 1/2 months we were together with the exception of two. We talked on the phone every day. He told me every day that he loved me, right up until he dumped me. He asked me to marry him, he told everyone I was his fiance, he represented himself as engaged. He was faithful to me. He was intelligent, funny, easy going, easy to be around and we got along well. To say that I was completely blindsided is an understatement, I really thought I could believe in him. He was the type who would be there for someone through thick and thin (as he is for his mom right now). To see that I was this off base in assessing his character leaves me unable to believe in men and more importantly, in my own judgment. This wasn't just some derelict loser, this is an upstanding person...or so I thought. He was groundskeeper and usher at his church. Our churches' mission statement was identical. This was a person I thought I could grow old with. I know that all men aren't liars. I know some men can be trusted. But I don't know which ones are which. I have been lied to and betrayed so much, I just can't go through it again. And maybe it's best that way. I've resigned myself to being alone, it's easier, there seems somehow there ought to be a limit to how much pain one has to go through in life. I feel if I can't trust Jim, I can't trust anyone. I know that Jim was sleep deprived. I know he felt stressed. I have been a caretaker, I know how hard it is to never get a break, to constantly give of yourself, I did it for nearly three years when my mother-in-law was bedridden with cancer. I also know that some people are copers and some are not. This little woman was formidable and the family somehow feared crossing her. Not having met her, I did not realize the extent to which she held power over them. Once I saw it come into play, it of course, bothered me. I wanted them to be reasonable, and I didn't feel her edict, to which he was succumbing, was reasonable...that I should never see him as long as she was alive? That I not be allowed to visit him while he's taking care of her, not even a couple of hours a week? This I cannot accept. Feeling caught between me and his mom...he chose his mom. I was completely supportive of his taking care of her...just not to the exclusion of me. What really sent me reeling was not half so much that he broke up with me, but HOW he broke up with me...discarding me without a backward glance. That I really meant nothing to him after being engaged that long really floored me. That he could be so cowardly as to not put my feelings ahead of his own discomfort (he avoids conflict at all costs) and TALK to me, really threw me for a loop. I am at a loss to understand that. You ask would I really want to be with someone like that? Hell no! Yes I do need to heal. But first comes the grieving, part of which contains an anger stage...not all anger is bad. In this case it can be like a protective balm, it can keep me from getting into a relationship with someone else while I'm vulnerable. It can give me time to heal on my own. Loss is something I am pretty experienced at. I've lost (to death) my dad, my mother-in-law (who was my best friend, a niece, a nephew, my husband, and many pets. Currently I have a sister who is dying. I've lost to divorce/breakup, three husbands and two fiances. I know initially the pain is beyond belief. I know that in due time, usually a couple of years or so, it slowly dissipates until you don't feel as much, you slowly numb. The day you feel nothing is a day to triumph for you finally got over that person and the pain they brought. But then you are left with scars and they must be dealt with. You have to deal with your mindset, the way the brain works, triggers, and work on altering the pathways so you don't carry it with you. It is a lot of exhaustive work. I'm tired. I'm nearly 58 years old, I don't want to keep doing this. The odds of me finding someone that I can trust and we are compatible are getting more slim as time goes by. There's just too many considerations. That's okay, I can live alone, I have done so much of my life. Right now I am working on building friendships. I am paying close attention to balance. There is a lot of work to be done around a place when you live alone...and a lot to pay for. I try to add into the mix, things to look forward to, getting out, etc. That is actually the hardest part...finding something to look forward to. Even the littlest things. I look forward to coming home to my dog each night. This month has been very challenging as I dealt with the fresh raw pain of sudden break-up, my dog nearly dying, my job being precarious, my boss behind paying me, my transmission going out on my truck...it's an awful lot for one month. It's a lot to grapple with, let alone try to wrap your head around. To be rejected by someone you show an interest in is one thing, but to be rejected by the person who promised to spend their life with you, your best friend, the one you loved...that is entirely something else. The comparison is not adequate. To have a person tell you they love you, to have them admire you (inner qualities) and they think you're cute, etc. and then they just dump you without explanation or the benefit of discussion...that is entirely different. It sends you reeling. It'll take time. I know that, after all, I've been through this enough times. I will get through it, I know that too, but not without a long haul, and it won't be easy. I have a lot of work cut out for me...trying to figure out how to forgive yet again so grave a transgression, to heal, to learn...it's a long road ahead of me. And the fact that this was someone else's decision without consideration for me, that makes me resent that I even have to go through this, let alone, "again". But that's something I have to take up with God and work out...yep, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

First let me say I am sorry you are going through so much at once. I want to say some things to you that may be hard but I really hope you'll listen because they are words of wisdom that could really aid you in your future. When you cheat on others, you are not true to yourself. You are not all you can be. The way to build healthy self-esteem is not through a test or how much money you make, but by having good character. Please work on that character. When you hang out with others that have bad character, it's not helping yourself. It doesn't matter how much money they make or what their title is or what they own...what matters is what kind of person they are. Pick better. When you choose a girlfriend, make sure NEITHER of you is cheating on someone else because if either of you is, that makes your relationship doomed from the beginning. In other words, a cheater does not make a good partner to base your life on/with. If your girlfriend tolerated your cheating on your pregnant girlfriend to be with her, of course she wouldn't think anything of cheating on you. Do you understand? Count it a lesson and try to move on. You have to accept that your girlfriend is not meant to be in your life. I would start with some personal counseling to help you get going in the right direction. You still have the rest of your life ahead of you...make the most of it. You can always save up and take the test again, in fact, I'd recommend it. Read stories about people who have not been swayed by obstacles, who didn't quit in the face of defeat or adversity. Let them be your mentors and examples! Now you have an obligation to your pregnant ex-girlfriend and your unborn child. Make sure you fill that obligation by paying child support and helping in their lives. You will need to commit to that child by being there for them not just for 18 years, but forever. That child should come before any future girlfriend or anyone in your life, do you understand that? It takes commitment and responsibility to fulfill that obligation and is the sign of maturity to do so. Do not concern yourself with what others say/think/do so much as what you know to be true about yourself. If you don't like something about yourself, change it. Take steps to correct the errors in yourself that you're not liking. Get help from a counselor in self-assessment and setting goals for yourself that you can meet. As you begin to work on yourself and build your character, your self-esteem will automatically change. As much as this hurts right now, it is good that it happened, it NEEDED to happen, it helped you to understand what it felt like when you hurt someone else. People who do not have the ability to empathize are sorely lacking, it's like they have a handicap, never knowing their affect upon others, making it difficult for them to develop within themselves. This is why we can learn to be thankful even in hard places...they cause us to grow. If you can take these gems of life and grasp them, then you will know the beginning of wisdom and you will be all the richer for it. I hope and pray you have a much richer future ahead of you for the lessons of today. P.S. There are counselors that charge according to a sliding scale, also some pastors are trained to counsel. Start with ANY job (McDonalds will do), it's easier to find a job when you have a job, don't be too particular, take anything you can get, you can always keep applying for other jobs. If law school won't take you, find something else, go in and talk to a guidance counselor. If you had a low income last year, you should qualify for a grant to attend school. Think of solutions rather than obstacles, you'll be amazed what you can do. Every negative in your life, try to think of a positive to counter it with.

I don't know anything about that but maybe they get some of it right and get confused or get their wires crossed about some of it??? Take what you find comfort in and let go of the rest.

Amy Sue, I am sorry you lost your Shawn. Love isn't bound by time...whether we spent a year or fifty together, we still miss them and it wasn't enough time together. I like that he had such zest for life! It's so hard to understand why they have to die so prematurely... (((hugs))) Kay

They'd have to. It's not like a divorce, you never asked for the marriage to end, you didn't want away from them, somewhere up there is still a wonderful person you never wanted out of your life...any new person would have to understand that.

Shelley, Congratulations on the new job!! Tell us all the details, how you like it, etc. Kay

Gail, I am so glad you found happiness again. You're very special and I'm just glad you have someone in your life that will be good to you and the kids. Congratulations!! Kay

No it wasn't, I'm sorry, it's a horrible thing. I hope they prosecute the person that did this to the full extent and that even his money won't save him.

Tony, Welcome to this site...I hope you find much encouragement and comfort here, we all benefit by walking through this together. Thank you for your suggestions, I've found it helps to keep busy too. Kay

Fran, Let me extend my sympathies on the loss of your husband. Yes you are doing it right, you are fine. There are many of us who lost our husbands unexpectedly and didn't get to say goodbye...with mine it was a heart attack. Just keep coming here and expressing yourself, it helps to not keep it bottled up. And read...you are not alone, there are many going through the same thing. (((hugs))) Kay

My dog is finally better, it's been a long tough haul this month. No word from Jim, I don't get that at all. I guess I meant nothing to him, it's hard for me to comprehend that. I still wonder about him and miss him. Our pastor spoke on love Sunday (1 Corinthians 13) and I realize I need to work on trying to be understanding and forgiving...it's a process. It's real tough because he hurt me so bad. I know it'll take time to heal, but I'm left with the question of what do I do with the broken pieces, how do I feel about a man that led me on and broke his promises to me? A man that considered me nothing, a man that I loved with all of my heart. How come forgiveness and our feelings don't seem to coincide? I know forgiveness is an action and not based on feelings or even deservedness, so why then is it so hard? It would help if I could understand how (in his mind) this transpired, what is his thinking...but of course, I am not privy to that so I have to somehow get past this without a semblance of inkling as to his mindset. Pretty tough. It might not be quite so hard if it were not for the fact that I've had FIVE men totally break my heart in my life...one was a slow death but the other four were sudden and blindsided me. I no longer can trust, not myself, not others. The damage is incredible. So will forgiveness help or not have any bearing on my trust issues?

Is your sister-in-law his sister? It's hard for me to comprehend someone being so callous. I would reply to her that is not how I believe and does little to bring me comfort. One of the odd things I learned when I lost George was how people seem to think they can say anything they want to you...I learned to stand up to them and not let them run rampant over me. You don't have to be abrasive, just not take everything they dish out or say. I can let some things go, but some people were just too in-my-face or controlling to let go of (like my sister who was so good at telling me I should sell my house, do this, do that, feel this, feel that...I finally told her that when she loses her husband I'll tell her what to do...that shut her up.) Sometimes people need that to realize just how they've come across and what they've said to you. We could all write a book about the inappropriate responses we've received from people. Most of them don't mean to be inappropriate, they are just clueless. I can let go of some of it, forgive them, but some things need addressed too. Your husband and your love was so great, nothing could change it, it still exists and even death could not squelch it...he does still exist, there's just a chasm between the two worlds that can't be crossed right now, but it's temporary and you will be with him again. Kay

Tammy, I am so sorry you lost your husband...my husband and I were only married 3 years and 8 months but knew each other 6 1/2 years. Like you, we spent all of the time we could together, and you're right it leave a huge gaping hole when they die. A short time after George died, I ran across a refrigerator magnet with a dragonfly on it, it said "Find Joy in each new day" and I knew it was meant for me. I bought it and put it up where I'd see it each day. At the end of each day, I'd think over the day and ponder what joy there'd been in it...sometimes it was stretching it to find something, but what this exercise did was teach me to focus and LOOK for joy. It might be a beautiful sunset or watching a kitten play or a child smile or someone opening the door for me, a driver letting me merge, a rainbow, hearing an elk bugle, a call from a friend, but it helped me recognize and appreciate the little things in life, and I think it was life changing. I like your attitude...the road might get tough sometimes, but you're going to make it. And you're right about the websites, this one's the best. (((hugs))) Kay

Wait, are you saying they INTENTIONALLY killed him? This was a homocide? You say the guy posted bail, so I'm assuming he was arrested for this...how can you get out on bail for killing someone? I am so sorry! This was so horrible, you are so young and such a beautiful couple with what should have been the rest of your lives before you. I also had a hard time looking at pictures, reading his notes, etc...I have put pictures up, taken them down, put them up, taken them down, etc. I finally reached the point where they brought me comfort, but in the beginning, it hurt tremendously to look at them. I say do whatever makes you most comfortable.

You weren't out of line, your friend was. If this is a friend you want to keep and get through to, I would have a frank talk and explain that when they made that comment (quote them), it was as if they shut you down and invalidated your feelings (not a good communication technique). It was insensitive. I would ask them to stop and think how they would feel about losing their spouse and then going on to experience all the major holidays and events alone without their spouse. If you've been married very long, it changes habit/pattern as well as missing them tremendously. Half the fun in holidays is sharing it with that special someone. You have just been through a major change, to say it's a shock to everything within you is a grave understatement.

Cheryl, It's interesting that you mentioned that...having a difficult time attending your church without your husband. When George passed away, it was extremely difficult for me to go to church and see the pew where he sat...I couldn't stand to see it empty and even worse, I couldn't stand seeing someone else sit there. I have been active in music, on the Worship Team, Choir, etc. so am often on the platform looking out at the pews...and to not see him there beaming at me, it was just hard. I didn't leave my church though, I stuck it out. But now after attending with Jim for over a year, I'm going through it all over again, only some people don't realize we split up and they ask me how he is, it's really hard for me, I don't know what to answer, I don't like explaining over and over. I see his picture up on the wall (our church posts everyone's pictures that are regular attenders) and it hurts so bad. So I feel like I'm going through it all over again only due to desertion instead of death, neither way feels very good to deal with. I think sometimes changing your routine or where you go, what you do, helps, so you don't get stuck with those constant stabs of pain when you revisit somewhere that "used to be yours". I live in a small town where there isn't a lot of choices of where to attend church, where to eat, etc., so I'm kind of stuck with facing memories.

Your Barb has a beautiful smile! No wonder you miss her so. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's just a very hard thing to go through. Those of us here are the ones that had the good marriages, the ones that miss our spouses, the ones that are left struggling to make sense of it and survive. Wishing you the best... Kay

Lost, I'm so sorry, you are the same age as my son. Do you have family nearby that could spend time with you? Yes there are other young people who have lost their mate, some were pregnant at the time too. You aren't alone, just keep coming here and voicing yourself. There was a gal named Chrissy that went through it a few years ago. There are some on here now and hopefully they'll see your post and respond. (((hugs))) Kay

I'm sorry I didn't read this yesterday, I don't think I logged in at all. I keep busy on the weekends but I can't say as I look forward to them anymore. I clean house, do laundry, cook, go to church. Since I've lived in the same place for 33 years, I need to go through and clean out/throw away a lot of accumulation, it takes a lot of time, with my working/commuting, I don't have much time so have decided to go through one spot in the house every weekend until I finally get it done (maybe by the time I retire?). Anyway it all passes time and helps me not to think so much. I still haven't finished a book since George died, I can't concentrate. I don't know hw others do it.

I didn't manage very well at all. I remarried and it was a disaster. I lost all of my friends that George and I had, I didn't expect that, my life has just never been the same again. I spend far too much time alone. I feel the struggle and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I've had more than my share of heartbreak. If you can call that managing, I guess I've done it. I'm still here after five years, but it hasn't been good. I hope someday it gets better, it seems to for some people. I've kept trying, I don't know what more we can do.

Normal? Oh, yes! We've all been there, done that. (((hugs)))