kayc

Melina, I don't know, I have wondered the same thing. I think sometimes life just randomly hands things out, sure some things are a result of our good or bad choices, but other things seem pretty random and people just get the hand they get, I don't see rhyme or reason behind it. Ours isn't to figure it out I don't think so much as to figure what we're going to do with it now. My hugs to you...

I did pretty good today, then when I came home the tears poured, it's so hard to be home and know he'll never be here again. I miss him so bad, I sob, and I doubt I'll get the opportunity to see him again, my heart is literally broken in two and I can't breathe. I wish so much I could be afforded the opportunity to be his friend, to be here for him while he is going through so much, I am so worried about him, I want to know how he is and it's killing me that I am cut off from him, now of all times when he needs me. I don't understand anything, why did he string me on for 13 1/2 months just to dump me? Did I never mean anything to him? Why do I have to go through so much pain in my life, other people don't go through so much, why am I always the one that gets the heartbreak? I feel so betrayed, so lied to, so let down. And I feel so alone like no one cares. He was the one I always turned to, how do you survive when it is your best friend that hurts you and you can no longer turn to?

Kat, (((hugs))) You are not silly at all, one year after George died my cat "King George" died at the ripe old age of 19, it was so hard, I buried him in the same spot I'd laid George's ashes to rest. Yesterday my fiance broke up with me via Fed Ex. The grief I am feeling is overwhelming. The pain feels like my heart is bursting and I don't know how I'll live through it. So yes, I understand so much how you feel, that you are losing everything you love one by one. I too have just had way too much loss. I'm sorry, I hope it quits for you! Love, Kay

Thank you for that! I love that. I will keep that in mind should I ever have to leave my home. I know his ashes have long since blown away, but he lives with me in my heart. As a spirit, I'm sure he can look upon our property any time he wants to.

Your Sam looks so much like Chappy, my beautiful cat I lost a couple of years after my husband's death. I'm sorry you're missing your Sam and your father. ♥

OMG Elaine, this is too much! I am so sorry. Your luck just has to turn around, you've had way more than your share! (((Hugs))) Kay

I am convinced he is Aspergers, they are very different, social unease, no communication skills, no empathy, can't look people in the eyes, obsessive/compulsive, focuses on one thing at a time (now his mom to the exclusion of me), no interest in romance or sex. But right now I am so mad, no one twisted his arm and told him to tell me I was his princess and he was keeping me forever! No one twisted his arm and made him tell me he wanted to marry me by Christmas! No one forced him to go home with me every weekend for the last 13 1/2 months! No one made him say "I love you". What is up with this?! I know he has a lot on his plate right now but there is NO excuse for what he's done to me. He OWED it to me to tell me in person that he was calling it off. And why couldn't he have parted friends? He wasn't even interested in doing that? He didn't listen to my voice messages and I'd lay good money that he never read my emails or the note I sent him. Now I'm just sorry I even tried, I'm embarrassed, like it's my bad, here I am, stupid again, once again taken in by a man who fooled me. It makes me hate them! How can they do this to me? I've always been so good to them, I just don't get it. At least I didn't have to file a missing person's report on this one, although close. I've read that Aspergers men pick strong nurturing women, they fill the role they aren't good at. You know it was just last week Jim was calling me and treating me like I was his best friend and confident, I felt we were growing closer, he talked with me about the things going on in his life. So now all of the sudden he can't talk to me? What's up with that? I'm hurt and angry, beyond belief! This nice sweet guy that his daughter told me a year ago would never hurt me...now she speaks quite differently of him, so what, she lied to me? I would that she'd have told the truth then! You should have seen how he tried to earn my trust in the beginning, introducing me to his friends, neighbors, family, colleagues, even telling me his passwords and I had to shut him down from that, I didn't want to know. He made like his life was an open book. And now this. I don't feel I can ever trust anyone again. They all look good in the beginning. They can even keep it up quite a while. The promises he made! Too bad he didn't have the follow through.

It's official. My BF just broke up with me...sent my cellphone back to me Fed Ex at my office with a note. It sucks. I never knew such pain. Is this how he always felt and he didn't have the guts to level with me? This is the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had love once and God took him from me. Maybe my life is just a bad joke.

This is so hard. I have cried buckets of tears the last few days. He still will not respond. I spoke with his daughter yesterday and she said he packed up his cell phone as if to return it somewhere. It's on my plan and has another year on the contract so I'm not sure why he'd do that except maybe he wants to just sever any and all ties with me. It hurts so much that he doesn't even want to be friends. He promised me in the beginning of our relationship he'd never hurt me, and yet here it is happening again. I hate this pain, I hate the unbearable pain inside my heart, I gave my all to him, how can he do this to me? I know he's going through a lot but that doesn't explain how he could do this. Why do you throw away the best friend you ever had? How do I forgive this? All of the promises he made... And the worst part is not even knowing how he is doing...

Melina, It takes so much conscious effort to grieve. It is the hardest task you'll ever do. But you have to work at it, every day. Get your feelings out, express them, journal, post, use art as therapy, take walks and force yourself to eat something healthy and drink lots of water...believe me, taking care of yourself will help put your mind in better shape than anything. Know your limitations and be kind to yourself. You can't do everything your husband did, but you can do some of it, and enlist the help of others anywhere you can get it. One of the most important and difficult things I had to learn to do was to try and find something good in each new day. That took effort! And some days it was a stretch to find something. But the lesson I learned while trying to implement that was to appreciate and focus on the good and positive. At the end of the day I found myself being thankful for a rainbow, a kitten at play, a puppy's kiss, a butterfly that flew by, someone who held the door open for me, someone who smiled at me, someone who let me merge in traffic, getting to see a herd of elk, to name a few. The point was, I had to LOOK for it. It also helps to keep busy, it makes time pass and occupies at least part of your mind. When we stay in and stay to ourselves and stay idle, it gives our mind too much time to work and it tends to focus on our loss. When you've reached the point where you no longer feel like a basket case (and it will happen), volunteer some time on others, it gets your focus outward instead of inward. In the beginning you feel "what's the point", but eventually you do learn to be grateful for life, even altered as it is. It takes much time and much effort. Try not to let that daunt you. Don't expect to go leaps and bounds at first, take baby steps, it'll all come, in due time. Remember to live for the living...right now you have children and a dog to live for...that is enough motivation to keep going, some people don't even have that. I got myself a dog 1 1/2 years ago and he is my motivation, I HAVE to earn enough to keep my home so he'll have a place to live. I come home at night and he is there to greet me, wagging his tail, wanting his walk and his dinner and played with...he is my joy and he gives me so much more than I could ever give him, he is loving and very entertaining and happy, I need that. You will find what works for you, our journeys are all different, we make different choices,it's up to us to figure it out with the help of all of these wonderful people here on this site.

NATS, Well good luck to you! Praying for good health for you also... Kay

Marion, I'm glad you will stay on here. This place was my life support when I went through it and after all these years, I still feel drawn here, I can relate to the people here and these are some of the best people in the world, I don't know why, it just is so. Don't worry about burdening your family, it is good to talk about it with them, it gives you a sharedness. They may be feeling the same way with you. I remember when my George died, my son was in the Air Force and I remember him lamenting that he didn't know what was wrong with him, he'd wake up crying, he'd be at work and suddenly start crying (and he was never one to show emotion). I told him nothing was wrong with him, he was grieving, and people at work would just have to understand.

You know, I try not to make sense out of it either. Some people have a platitude for everything and it rings hollow. The truth is, sometimes things just happen and we shouldn't strain ourselves trying to figure out "why". My friend that lost his wife and daughters became my pastor and often counseled with people who were brushed with death. What an effective counselor! He of all people could get away with saying things they needed to hear...he'd been there and they knew it. The only answer I have for why these things happen is that our world is pretty messed up. I try to focus on the good (that my husband no longer has to suffer and we will be together again) and not on the bad.

Dating a widower is different than dating a divorced person. The widower lost their spouse through no say so of their own. They may have had a wonderful relationship and he has missed both her and the relationship. Try not to be jealous of her. Let him talk about her. I had a friend that was married to a man who'd lost his wife and two baby daughters to a car accident. Every year when April rolled around he'd go away for a few days alone...he was fortunate to have a wife who understood. She used to say that God knew He could never replace his baby daughters so instead he gave him three sons with her. Death does not end the relationship like divorce does...the person lives on inside your heart. There was a renowned Christian author that married a widower and I remember her saying how blessed she was by getting to know his late wife. She ran across things in their household that told her what a loving and caring woman she was, and she felt blessed by how she'd enriched her life. That is such a healthy way to look at it! One good thing about marrying a widow instead of a divorced person, if they've had a good marriage, chances are they've already learned good communication and patterns of interacting, having faith in each other, etc., all of the positive elements of a positive relationship!

I added a reply but it is not here now so I don't know what happened to it. I am very sorry for your loss, it is still so very fresh. Have you talked to your doctor or a grief counselor to get some help? Please keep coming here and voicing yourself, it really helps t let it out rather than bottle it up. It does help to get out and go for a walk, to take good care of yourself, to keep busy and be around other people, anything that helps direct your focus outward rather than inward. What you are experiencing is no stranger to us, we have all been there. Try to stay in the here and now and not bite off more than you can chew. But do try to get some help. Your brother wants to be there for you and may need help knowing how to. Try to think of something you could use his help with and give him that as an idea. Sometimes it is help rather than gifts that we need the most...help vacuuming behind the refrigerator, help changing the oil in the car, help getting the lawnmower started, kindling cut, etc. There's always something that our husbands left a void with. And it's good to spend time with family and friends...even when you don't feel like it, when you make the effort it helps lift you just a bit. Be extra gentle with yourself and try not to expect too much of yourself.

My heart breaks as I read about your mourning dogs. I am so sorry. Try to spend as much time and attention on them as you can and remember you are in this together. My husband and I bought a porch swing to grow old together in...that was our vision...it's hard to sit there all alone and not have his hand to hold. But you are so right, you aren't entirely alone, they are still there with us, they live in our hearts. It took me some time but I was finally able to think of him without crying and be able to find comfort in the mere thought of him. If I go to a job interview, I carry him with me and remember his faith and encouragement. If I go through heartbreak, I think of him and the comfort he brings. If I am afraid, I feel him cheering me on from the sidelines. And when I tackle something new, I feel his pride in me and know he is smiling. He is always there.

One of the things I've learned is to ASK for help when I need it. Be explicit and clear about what you need. Often people want to hep but don't know what to do and they might feel more comfortable if you'd just let them know. It is frightening to feel alone. With you having the summer off, that makes it all the harder. Do you belong to a church or any civic organizations that might involve you with something? Is there someone you could call on who might be of help to you in the sorting, etc. of your own home, friends, neighbors, fellow parishioners? And yes, do ask family for help. Try not to "borrow trouble". (Sufficient for the day...) Try really hard to stay in the present and not worry about tomorrow. I am a listmaker, I like to make lists and cross things off, but to other people, sometimes lists bog them down. However you feel comfortable with dealing with things that need done, do that. But be realistic...you can't take on what you and your husband both did before. Some things will be let go, some things may wait, some things you'll learn to do something you never have before, some things you may need help for.

Marion, I really wouldn't compare my loss to anyone else's. It's all valid. I think sometimes the longer you've been married, the harder it might be to adjust to a different life. However, those who have had less time together might feel more gypped, having expected to have a longer time together. But all grief is valid and no one's loss is easy. All of us have a right to be here, and I just pray that everyone finds comfort and solace here, as well as direction and encouragement. One of the things I like about being here is that we can talk about our husbands, and there is a listening audience. Sometimes when we're out in the world we feel like no one wants to hear it and they want us to move on. But it really helps to talk about them and share what we loved, what we went through. It helps us get to know each other too!

Nats, I may be way off base, and if so, please forgive me because this only comes out of great concern from the bottom of my heart. I was very vulnerable after George died and I ended up marrying a friend of his...who ended up breaking my heart and taking me for over $50,000.00. I would never mean to imply that would happen to you, but I do know that when we are steeped in grief, we are not in our right mind, and we are extremely vulnerable. I would just caution you to give this LOTS of time before committing to anything. Like maybe three years. How long were you married to Ruth? The longer you have been in a relationship, the longer it takes to heal from one. According to marriagebuilders.com, you need about a month recup for every year married, of course that's just a general rule of thumb, there are many factors that come into play. But death is different than divorce, I think it takes even longer, you need time to get used to being on your own and who you are separate and apart from the coupledom you've been used to. It's fine to be friends, but be careful getting too close too soon.

I am almost embarrassed to come here...again. But my heart is breaking and I don't know where to turn. My SO's 85 year old mother has come to the point where he is taking full time care of her, 24/7. He quit his job and is at her place. His daughters were supposed to help, but they aren't and that doesn't look likely to happen. His mother refuses to meet me or allow me at her place, although she lets his exwife visit. She doesn't have cancer or anything, but she quit eating 1 1/2 years ago, she only drinks Ensure and Cola, so she's down to 73 lbs. However, since his coming there to take care of her, she's perked up a bit and has resumed eating a bit. We don't know if he will be taking care of her for another week, a year, or two years...we just have no idea. I got upset with him Friday because I feel it's unreasonable to expect me to never see him, and I think he should stand up to her and tell her if he's taking full care of her, he needs to have me over to visit with him a few minutes every week. I understand this lady is formidable (I've heard her over the phone). I also realize he hates and avoids confrontation. I also know she has him over a barrel because she holds the title on his home that he's lived in for 30 years, and even though he bought it back from the county for her once, and even though he has put a fortune and a ton of work into it and paid the property taxes and the home was promised to him, she can always withdraw that from her will. Nevertheless, this is a situation that he allowed to happen. His answer was to turn his phone off and he hasn't had any contact with me since Friday. I don't know if he's trying to take a break from me because he can't handle any more than he already has to deal with...or if this is his lame way of breaking up. I only know that I miss him, I want to be there for him and can't, and it sucks that he'd treat me this way. I haven't been able to eat or sleep and I feel so alone and hurting. I asked the doctor for sleeping pills today as I don't want to attempt my long commute on no sleep. And all I wanted was a hug once a week.

This is a letter I wrote to my now son-in-law just two weeks after George's death. (I cut out the part that was specific to him) July 3, 2005 This will probably not be as long as usual since I’m having a hard time focusing. I don’t even know what to say, my life has been turned upside-down overnight through no desire of my own, or George’s either. I miss him more than anything and there are no words that exist that describe my loss and pain. It is unbearable, it is overwhelming. No one should have to go through this. I have heard of the five stages of grief and it seems I have experienced all of them except for “partial acceptance” and “acceptance”. How do you accept something that goes against every fiber of your being? It’s not up to me to accept it or not accept it, God did what He wanted without consulting me. It’s just my lot to go on and I don’t even want to do that but the kids and God are making me. People say I’m taking it well but they don’t know my thoughts and they don’t see me when I’m alone and bawling, they don’t see me tossing and turning during the night, they don’t feel the stress inside of my heart. My faith is strong, it always has been, and I know what I “should” feel, think, say, do, but right now, I have to experience my grief, there’s no way to circumvent it or repress it, I have to go through it, whether I want to or not. I know I’ll survive, but whether or not I want to is another matter altogether. The only thing I want is to be with him again and I can hardly wait for that day when he can hold his arms open to receive me into them again and plant his sweet butterfly kisses on my forehead. That is all I long for and all I cannot forget. How do you say goodbye when you’ve loved like we have? I know better than to ask “why”, I have always known that wasn’t a good question to ask, we’re supposed to trust God, we’re supposed to dutifully ask Him what He wants from us now, but I can’t help but ask why and rail at heaven for taking my Beloved so soon from me! Why? Why indeed? Why George, why not his dad, or even my mom, when she would love to be with my dad again? Why am I a widow at 52? Why did we only get to be married 3 years and 8 months? Why did I only get to know him 6 ½ years, and part of that time couldn’t even have contact with him? I am very glad to know where he is and that he is finally over with the suffering of this earth, but it sure didn’t end for me…still, I guess that may be the secret ingredient I need to focus on, that he IS indeed out of his suffering, and God knows he had plenty of it, not only with all that the world put him through and living down his own past, but with physical suffering as well and that horrible demanding job of his that always took more and more from him. He’s done with worry and pain and every infirmity that he suffered…anxiety, paranoia, diabetes, heart failure, back pain, feet pain. This man suffered, he suffered plenty. I think sometimes that I was his only respite from the world, it’s as if God used me as the medium by which to reach down and caress him, inside and out. And I loved him. I am thankful for the time we did get together, I guess I need to concentrate more on being thankful and less on what I lost but right now, I don’t know how to do that when I ache at night to reach over and touch him, and wake up in the morning still alone, and face my days and nights alone, overwhelmed by decisions and tasks and finances that don’t stretch wide enough for all of the bills. How do I do it? Well I guess, I don’t, I need to learn to let God do it, I need to turn to Him. I’ve had a hard time with that, being as He’s the one who took him. But I have turned to Him some, and I know I will increasingly more. I’m glad God is big enough to understand what I am going through and not take my responses personally but is giving me time to work this out. I do love God and I know He’s got some kind of a plan, I guess I’m just not in the mood for it just yet. But that’s how life is, things change, no one asks us about it, and there’s been widows and widowers since the beginning of time and people have just had to deal with it. It’s a loss we don’t concentrate on…until it hits us personally, and then it overtakes us like a thief in the night. I think Christmas is going to be extremely difficult. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I guess I can’t think of it right now…that and the whole month of June…his birthday, Father’s Day…and his death day being the same as that…plus my dad’s birthday and parent’s anniversary also being in June. And our anniversary…how do I survive that? I wish I could just skip that day somehow, somebody give me a couple of sleeping pills and wake me when it’s over. I still have to cancel our anniversary plans, I haven’t been able to make the call yet. Maybe I can have Melissa do that. I thought about going ahead and going to the coast and just thinking about him on that day…but I can’t afford to anyway and am not sure I’d be up to it. I’ve been left strapped financially, I mean to the point where it’s going to be hard to provide basic necessities. I cancelled everything I don’t absolutely need. I still have nearly two years left on our cellphone contract and no need for it any more, but Melissa said she’d go halves with me and take George’s number over so that helps at least. As much as she drives I feel better her having one anyway, especially one with a national plan instead of local like she used to have. I’m going to sell a vehicle but am still trying to figure out exactly which one and for how much. The Honda will be a total loss and won’t bring me much since it has a salvage title and it’s depreciated and the air conditioning quit but the Mercury has been so dependable and we loved it so much, and I don’t want to get rid of the truck…I can still take Lucky out in it, and even though I may not know how to hook up a trailer, etc., at least I could camp in it by sleeping in the canopy if I wanted to. And I could haul a Christmas tree if I could find someone to cut one down for me. I feel so stupid! There’s so much I don’t know! I look in the garage and shop and it’s a mess, such a disorganized clutter! When George and I first married I had everything pretty neat and organized and he was pretty good with that too, but then when he started getting so tired, he let everything go and didn’t put things away when he used them, and now there’s stuff everywhere and I don’t know what half of it is or what it’s for. I still need the rails built for the ramp, he never did get to that, and I have no money to pay anyone to build them. I need to repaint the outside of the patio rails, but I think I can do that if I can find the paint and roller. Today the dowel in the closet broke in two and down came all of our clothes with it. Several people asked if they could help me and I told them about it and they never offered to do anything. So I went home and prayed, and then I looked around for a dowel big enough and found one…I needed to cut it to size, so I measured and marked it and then looked around for a saw. I don’t know where the hand saw is but I found a table saw (?) and an extension cord and managed to figure out how to turn it on and cut the dowel…it fit perfectly in the closet. I know that sounds like a small thing, but it was a triumph to me…the kind of thing I always had someone else to do, and don’t anymore. Anyway, I’ve gone on way too long on my situation. George used to feel his life had passed him by, but really, it hadn’t, it just wasn’t like other people’s. He learned and grew and changed…maybe he never got the opportunity to learn all of the things some other men have gotten to learn over the years, how to roof a house, do electrical repairs, stuff like that, but he certainly excelled when it came to people and loving…he was a champ at that.

Oh Kat, I am so sorry! I lost my husband five years ago and was so devastated I made a huge mistake and married a man who turned out to be a con artist and took me for everything and then some. I lost my dog at the same time. A few months later I decided I was better off with dogs so I got another one, and this one has totally stole my heart. I cannot ever imagine losing him. I know it'll happen someday, and I really wouldn't want it to be the other way around, I want to be here for him all of his life, but I dread the day it happens. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. I am glad you are trying to look on the bright side and know that your husband is welcoming your dog with open arms. Please know he will take good care of him until the day you can all be reunited again. Kay

Jennifer, I'm so sorry you lost your husband, and love of your life. That is just too young, I can understand you must feel gypped , I did and my husband had just turned 51...I'd thought we'd have at least another 20 years together before having to face something like that. There are a lot of people on this site going through the same thing, both young and old. You might want to ask Marty, the administrator, to move this to "Loss of Spouse" section where it'll get a lot more traffic. This section is often used for divorce and other love losses, whereas loss of partner is more specifically to death and there'll be a lot more people to respond to it. Have you seen a doctor about your anxiety issues? My doctor put me on Buspirone (Buspar) and I love it, it's non-addictive and doesn't seem to have side effects, but it's helped me cope. Also, a grief counselor might be of some help. There are grief support groups that could be beneficial. Remember to take care of yourself, even when you don't see the point, go for walks, eat healthy, it all helps your focus. Be easy on yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. Surround yourself with positive comforting people, not anyone who tells you stupid or negative things. Try not to look at the rest of your life looming before you, but do your best to stay in the present, one day at a time...or a minute, or whatever you think you can handle. Everyone's way of dealing with grief is different so remember, there is no right or wrong way, just different ways. My hugs and prayers to you, please keep coming back and make sure you read the "Loss of spouse/partner" section, you'll find a lot of others going through the same thing. Kay

Melina, This is s fresh for you, it does get better with time. You will always miss him and love him, that never goes away, but with time, you will get more adept at coping with the loss. I wish you had some friends there to listen, care, and put their arms around you. I didn't have that either. Alol of our friends disappeared with George's death, I guess death makes a lot of people uncomfortable, like they're afraid it's contagious or something. People don't like to be around sadness, it makes them uncomfortable, like they don't know what to say or how to respond...so they avoid you, totally NOT the response you need. With time you will make some new friends. For me it's been five years and I still feel lonely and scared. But not as bad as in the beginning of the journey. I've worked hard at my grief, journaled, posted, used art to depict my feelings and goals, tried to adjust and keep a positive focus, it takes so much work it's exhausting. And I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've never quit trying. With time it evolved from instead of feeling immense pain at the thought of him, it's come to bring me comfort and reassurance. I carry him inside of me, the one person who really loved me, the one person I could really count on, the most special person that ever lived. And I know I'll see him again, I'll feel his arms around me again, I hold onto that. Death of a spouse hits you on every level. There is so much loss involved with it...loss of that person whose eyes lit up when you entered the room. Loss of your lover, your best friend, the other person who had all the same shared memories as you, the person who did the other things around the place that you couldn't, loss of income, loss of the person you shared all your weekends and holidays with. It is understandable that this is such a huge adjustment, it's going to take some time. But you will survive it. You will learn to incorporate all of these changes into your life. At first you may not care to, may not want to, but with time, it will happen, little by little. It does not mean you forget him or value him any less, not by any means, but rather that you honor his memory by surviving enough to keep him alive inside of you. Try to remember to take deep breeaths, take care of yourself, daily walks, express yourself here, and remember, one day at a time...or one moment. Hugs, Kay

Nats, You are going through so much, I just want you to know my prayers are with you. Kay