kayc

sunstreet, I missed this post the first time around...it's been a couple of months now, how are you doing?

If it's any consolation, I don't have the brawn or skills my husband had, hence the house still needs painted. I did get someone to replace the ramp he'd dismantled and was in the process of replacing. It's all I can do to keep up with the chores that do need done, and I have very little time leftover. Commuting robs me of 15 hours a week that I could be using for home maintenance so I guess I can't expect too much of myself. I figure someday the house will be sold for a fixer upper...if I can keep it out of foreclosure. It is what it is.

Thank you for sharing your poem with us. I have been writing to George since he died. He was and always will be my dearest friend. He is the one I turn to in life.

Also, a lot of those who have done well in their recovery are no longer here to post. Me, I keep managing to reafflict myself. But I can assure you that life in a year or in two years or five years will not look like life right now.

Thank you, Walt!

Grieving does take energy. Right now I am grieving the loss of a relationship, and even that has sapped me. Maybe it'd help to make a list of things you think need done. Then rate those things as to what has to be kept up with (dishes, laundry), what needs done periodically (housecleaning), and what you'd like to see get done but it's not imperative it get done now (your son's room). As for Christmas, it's not a have to, it's what we think is expected, there's a difference. Maybe scale way back on it this year. It's not something I want to think about this year, partly because I know whatever I do will be by myself and I'm not in the mood for it. For instance, maybe put up decorations but no tree, or maybe bake but don't send cards, or maybe do presents for the little kids in the family but not adults, or something like that so it's more manageable.

Try to stop it! My friend just had to email me that same message as I too can worry about anything/everything. She reminded me to stay in today and not borrow trouble from the future. Yes, you'll make it. Over five years ago when my husband died, I was at the computer and had my budget open. When I deleted his future paychecks from the spreadsheet, it showed all red totals going across. As my daughter was looking over my shoulder, she said, "Don't worry, Mom. God will take care of you, He always has (taken care of) me." Hearing that bit of faith through my daughter really helped me in the year to come as I lost not only my husband, but my job, friends, pets, etc. Somehow, I've gotten by. This may not be the life I ordered, but it's here. My son told me last night he was on his computer going through pictures and he saw this tiny woman with George and was wondering why he had that picture on his computer and who she was, and he suddenly realized that it was me! He said I looked so happy... I was happy. Have I changed that much? Has stress etched that much into me that my own son didn't recognize my picture because of the changes?

Thank you for sharing this, I'll pray for her. Sometimes it's easy to get consumed by what is going on in our lives (alone, uncertain future, unstable job and finances, too much to do, no help, etc.) and this reminds us of what we do have (currently a roof over our heads, currently okay health, etc).

You are the only one who can know inside your heart what is the best thing to do. But one thing to consider is, we can't leave our pain behind, it comes with us. Certainly the future is a consideration, how it will ultimately affect your career...so is your family a consideration, your mom and little sister.

Melina, I can understand your dilemma. It might be good if you stayed out another month from your job, but perhaps instead of sitting at home alone, it might be good to try volunteering your time someplace where you can get out among others. A good example might be a food bank, they are usually looking for volunteers. I remember someone saying they'd done this and it had helped them by focusing on others rather than their own situation so it had a positive affect on them. Good luck with it, it won't always feel this way, it really won't!

How sweet of your brother! Yes, we do all grieve differently...what brings anguish to one brings comfort to another. We have to do what is right for US. My husband's closet rod broke shortly after he died...I took it as a sign I was supposed to box it up and give it to an organization I knew he would be supportive of. I kept those things that most reminded me of him and put them in a back closet. Every once in a while I go "visit" them and hold his clothes, but I don't have them where I am reminded continually. Everyone has to choose for themselves what is easiest for them. I kept a shrine in our bedroom for a long time, but now I just have certain pictures up on the wall. The greatest reminder and memorial to him of all is deep within my heart...he will never be forgotten.

Jennalee, Two weeks is nothing to gauge anything by. This is a PROCESS, three steps forward, two steps backward, but overall moving in a progressive fashion. It is also INDIVIDUAL. None of us handle this the same and all have differing circumstances affecting us. After several years most of us have worked through our grief process enough that it's not such a struggle anymore and we've resigned ourselves to our new life that some call acceptance. Please try not to look at the whole picture, which is too much for you to digest right now and instead focus on right now and getting through TODAY, you will have enough to deal with with just that. At two weeks most of us were probably still pretty immersed in despair.

We're here if you want to talk (write).

47 years is a long time. I lamented that my husband and I had such a short time together before he died, but 47 years, you get so interdependent and can hardly remember life without each other. Just keep reminding yourself that you will be together again and love such as yours is never gone, it's still inside of you, just as it always was. (((hugs))) Kay

Frank, It's good to hear from you. We'll pray that you'll make it through those eventful days. Thanks for the news about the song!

Melina, You asked how long it took before it started to get better. That is such an individual thing that no one can really give you the answer you're looking for..you are wanting to know how long it will keep feeling like this. All I can say is, it gradually gets better, so gradual you hardly notice, and then one day you look back and see your progression. It's like three steps forward, two steps backward, you move in a progressive fashion. I am going through it with the loss of my fiance...it's not the same as death, but it's loss and grief nonetheless. I just wrote a response in there that might help you... http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=5333&st=30&gopid=42750&#entry42750 There is a silver lining to all of this experience...it may not seem worth it to you, but it's a silver lining nonetheless, and that is we learn so much through this experience and the lessons we learn we take with us and help us face other things in life on down the road. We develop our sense of identity, survival skills, ability to empathize, our faith, etc. Everything might feel like a nosedive at first, but it doesn't stay there, it evolves. Hang in there and trust us, it will get better for you.

Thanks, Elaine. How well I know, there's no way to grieve but straight through it, we can't circumvent it or avoid the pain, we have to go through it. Right now I'm at the anger stage. I feel very angry about what he did to me and how he did it. I'm not angry at his breaking up with me, people are entitled to however they feel or change their minds, but I am extremely angry at his lack of candor, his leading me on, lying to me, and then his cowardly way of ending it and not even discussing it with me, and not giving me the option of parting friends. I don't see how someone can love someone one minute and not the next. Right now I pretty much hate men for all they've done to me. And I do not want another relationship. This is what he's done to me, he's shattered me inside through his thoughtless lack of character. He's ruined my ability to trust and hurt the soft heart I had. I should have been treated with love and tender caring, instead I got this. My dog is still not out of the woods. He's feeling better but his stools have me greatly concerned because they indicate that things are passing way too quickly through the intestines. There is a reason but I don't know what it is. There are so many possibilities that I have no idea what's causing it. The vet won't open until Tuesday and I have no truck to take him to the vet in. I am very concerned for my baby. I have been taking as good a care as possible of him, and that and prayer is all I can do right now. I got his Rx renewed Friday in the hopes that extending it might help. So far I'm not seeing the changes I am hoping for. I guess if I could say anything to those who are grieving, the loss of a spouse, a fiance, a pet, or whomever they've lost, it's that eventually the pain subsides, although nothing is ever the same again, and you are not the same again, you're altered from the experience. It changes you in so many ways. It takes an immense amount of effort to grieve. But grief changes form, it starts out in shock, then intense pain, beyond description, it moves through anger stages, questioning, shaking faith, things like that...it might have a numb stage, eventually it moves into acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what happened or even agree with it, it just means you realize it did and you can't change it and it is what it is. There will be indifferent days, bad days, and good days. Eventually the bad days will lessen. In the beginning you cry until you think there surely can't be any more tears, and then you cry some more. Eventually it turns to internal crying, no tears, but the pain is just under the surface. You might have anxiety or depression. Time goes by. You think you're doing okay and all of a sudden it hits again. Out of nowhere, unbidden and unforeseen, some crazy trigger takes you back to that initial pain, like a flood of grief all over you again. And then it goes just like it came, and you're back to your indifferent days. Occasionally, a good day hits, and what more can you ask for?

That's great to hear, both of you! Yep, that's what I was talking about earlier this week, you'll have a whole bunch of indifferent days, some ggod days, some bad days. I hope it gets progressively better for you. That's be great if you'd work part time in the book store, it'd get you out around people and kill some time. I'd love to be doing something I loved and around people I liked.

Your husband must have known you still needed his ring...worse than he did. It's none of anyone's d**n business if people continue to wear their rings! It makes me so blasted mad when people get into someone else's business and tell them how they should be doing when they haven't a clue! Tell them when they've lost their husband and know what they're talking about to give you a call and you'll be more apt to hear them. Grrr! I'm glad you had his ring resized and find comfort in wearing it. I still have George's band and mine, mine is too small and can't be resized because it's platinum and yellow gold both but I'm on a quest to lose weight so maybe when I get another 37 lbs off I can wear it again. His ring is just like mine with the infinity symbol but without a diamond cuz he was a welding fabricator and didn't want anything getting caught while he was working. I designed the rings and at the same time he designed a necklace for me, we both had inscriptions put on them and to our amazement when we were done, they were identical! We always did think in tune with each other. I say people do what brings them the most comfort, to h**l with what anyone else thinks.

Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_xMAyUOKb4&feature=related The words: Verse One: Puff Daddy Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show I laced the track, you locked the flow So far from hangin on the block for dough Notorious, they got to know that Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh) Words can't express what you mean to me Even though you're gone, we still a team Through your family, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right) In the future, can't wait to see If you open up the gates for me Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh) Try to black it out, but it plays again When it's real, feelings hard to conceal Can't imagine all the pain I feel Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath) I know you still living your life, after death Chorus: Faith Evans Every step I take, every move I make Every single day, every time I pray I'll be missing you Thinkin of the day, when you went away What a life to take, what a bond to break I'll be missing you [Puff] I miss you Big Verse Two: Puff Daddy It's kinda hard with you not around (yeah) Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh) Watchin us while we pray for you Every day we pray for you Til the day we meet again In my heart is where I'll keep you friend Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed Strength I need to believe My thoughts Big I just can't define (can't define) Wish I could turn back the hands of time Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks You and me taking flicks Makin hits, stages they receive you on I still can't believe you're gone (can't believe you're gone) Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath) I know you still living you're life, after death Chorus [Faith Evans] Somebody tell me why Interlude: Faith Evans On that morning When this life is over I know I'll see your face Outro: 112 Every night I pray, every step I take Every move I make, every single day Every night I pray, every step I take [Puff] Every day that passes Every move I make, every single day [Puff] Is a day that I get closer [Puff] To seeing you again Every night I pray, every step I take [Puff] We miss you Big... and we won't stop Every move I make, every single day [Puff] Cause we can't stop... that's right Every night I pray, every step I take Every move I make, every single day [Puff] We miss you Big *music fades out*

Nick, Ask us, most of us don't have plans either. I think we all have that in common, that the weekends are the hardest. I work 50 miles away from home M-F so am gone a lot and have two big dogs to walk twice a day so I don't have a lot of time weekdays, but weekends are definitely harder. That used to be me and George's time, we were always together. I keep busy cleaning the house, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, etc. but there's no fun in my life anymore. If I had time to make friends it might be better but I really don't have time, that's where retired people have an advantage. My GF is always entertaining and going places, has lots of friends, but she's retired. I can't spend time with her much cuz she's always gone or with others. I don't know the answer. I used to take the dogs for rides to do something fun, but the transmission went out in my truck so I can't even do that anymore. I hate to think this is all there is, all there will ever be, just struggle and work and loneliness. It gets old. I guess I shouldn't have responded, I'm sorry. Maybe I'm despondent because my fiance dumped me, I don't know. All I know is, life has never been the same since George died and it never will be. People don't understand that, how far encompassing it is. If you have a friend, meet them for coffee now and then, or the two of you take your kids somewhere enjoyable for them. Staying in with the kids 24/7 will drive you batty, them too. We may not be able to change your situation, but we can listen and care...we understand. Kay

Elaine, Thank you for your kind response. It sounds like you have learned alot. I am also 57, although I turn 58 next month. I have had all kinds of relationships, and the last one was good, until he abruptly ended it...or at least I thought it was. I don't have a problem so much with his ending it as HOW he ended it and the fact that he led me on and wasn't up front about how he really felt. I don't understand why he said I was his princess and he was keeping me forever, if he didn't mean it. I don't understand why he said he wanted to marry me and called me his fiance to everyone if he didn't mean it. I don't understand why he said he loved me, every day for over a year, if he didn't mean it. But then I have to figure that's a flaw in him, and let it go. Easier said than done. I'm angry, angry that he led me on and lied to me. Angry that he threw me out like yesterday's trash. What if we had been married? Would he still have thrown me away? I guess his ex-wife could answer that. I don't think a man is a man when he lets his mother dictate his relationships and who he sees. His mother never wanted to meet me, never even knew me, yet refused to let me come to her home, and since he was taking care of her around the clock, that meant we could no longer see each other. I don't think a relationship can survive like that and wanted him to put his foot down and say he'd have me over once a week, I don't think that's expecting too much, but he wouldn't do it. I guess I was expendable. I don't think he was honorable about anything he did with regards to the break up. It was a shock and a slap in the face. It was not what I deserved. I know he'll never find anyone as good as me, but he will undoubtedly take up with someone else and call her his princess and break her heart as well. I just want off the roller coaster. I do better with my dog, at least he loves me unconditionally and won't suddenly stop for no reason. My dog actually communicates better. And is more loving and entertaining. You say you can't support yourself like me...I am under tremendous pressure because my last husband stuck me with so much bills and my job is not doing well, they are usually behind three months paying us, they are in trouble with the IRS, it's not looking good, so I could lose my job, hence my home... It's hard always being on your own, being the only one that does things around the place. Esp. when you can't chop the kindling or get the wood splitter or lawn mower started. Or the truck breaks down majorly and you can't afford to fix it. (My transmission just went out). Sometimes I just get tired of the struggle. It wasn't always this way. I had a good husband, we adored each other, he treated me like a queen and we were great partners. He died. Isn't that how it goes. I miss him, I always will. I'm not wanting another man, I'm tired of them, tired of their insincere promises, tired of being hurt. It's going to take me a long time to forgive Jim for what he did to me. I have my hands full. I wish you well in your marriage. We do have to be responsible for our own happiness. I just want to concentrate on me and my dog, to heck with men.

Your brother probably wants to "fix" things for you, but he can't. His suggestions are all sound, but unfortunately, unrealistic to the newly grieving person. And the idea that you find pleasure in being alone is ridiculous! Only someone who hasn't been there would suggest it. When people say stuff like this, it's best to just chalk it up to meaning well and let it go. Whatever you can do to divert your attention and take up some time is good...spend time with friends if you can. I don't have many friends any more, some moved away, and I'm so busy with my job/commute/chores, I have little time to make any. But I get out and spend time with the dogs, they are great company, and I try to be around people at least part of the time.

I'm sorry your in-laws are excluding you, that would grieve your husband terribly. I haven't heard from my husband's family since he died except for once when his brother tried to con me out of some coins George didn't even have any more, and another time, a year after he died, when his dad called me up bad mouthing him. Both times I set them straight and have heard nothing more. (He had ten brothers and sisters, nine of which are still alive.) I am amazed at his friends and family that he thought would be there for me...and weren't.

I'm expecting George to welcome me into heaven. I don't ever want to be away from him again.