kayc

Well I'm not seeing any real relief in sight...Jim has full care of his mother in her home. One of his daughters is getting married in 2 1/2 weeks and the other daughter is pretty useless as far as counting on her for anything, she adds trouble rather than helping, so now he has his ex-wife coming over to stay with his mom on occasion so he can go home for a break. Of course I'm not able to see him since he never knows ahead of time when he'll actually get a break (usually late at night to 5:00 a.m.) and we live so far away I can't just hop over there, and his mom doesn't want to meet me so I'm not allowed at her home. This pretty much sucks. I don't know how long it'll go on like this and I have no idea when I'll see him again. Sometimes life just sucks.

Daughter, No, I'm the one trying to hold it together...my son has been busy rebuilding a house for a friend of his...had one week to tear out walls, elec., plumbing, replace rot, put up new walls, etc....I've been taking care of the dogs while he's been doing that about 16 hours/day the last ten days plus moving... So nope...no one to help me. Thanks anyway. Marty, thanks...I feel like I'm at full capacity right now, there's a lot of details making everything more complicated and harder to accept. I stayed home from church yesterday to relax, I was just exhausted! Empty, Thanks! I appreciate all of your responses!

I just feel exhausted, I think from the emotional impact of so much. Jim and I weren't able to see each other this weekend and don't know when we'll get to spend time together again...his mom had to go to the hospital and it's fallen on him to look after her, talk to Hospice and nurses, assure and calm his mom and see to her care. He's spending his days and nights with her and he's exhausted. Life pretty much sucks, it's funny how it can change in an instant and this is now your lot in life. He can't go to work because his mom needs him, I don't know what he's going to do or how long this can go on. She's down to 73 pounds, won't eat except for Ensure. To top it off, his daughter is causing him grief. How much more can one take? I feel so sorry for him and wish I could do something to ease his load but all I can do is pray and be understanding. I wish I lived nearby so I could at least drop off food. His mom doesn't want to meet me and doesn't allow cell phones in her apartment so it's making our getting together pretty difficult. You wonder how long you can go on like this, but I remember when my mother in law was sent home from the hospital to die, they'd anticipated 3 weeks to two months...it was actually 2 years and 8 months. So I know that a temporary situation can drag on for a very long time. He is grieving too, he's been on the verge of tears all week, I can tell this is very emotional, very hard for him. My mom, on the other hand, will probably live to 100 and vex us every moment. She came home from the hospital Tuesday and on Thursday was out clearing brush in her backyard for 1 1/2 hours. Physically she's doing well (in spite of what she tells us) but mentally, oh my! My sisters aim to see her Wed., and have made motel reservations so they can come down and take her out to eat, and she's thinking of canceling on them "because Polly's not a Christian". !!! I just don't know what to do with her, she's so frustrating. She can't seem to just accept people, children included. She fights everything/everyone, including any help offered her. I go to visit Dad in Assisted Living every week, and every week he begs to come home. It breaks my heart. And to top it off, it's my sister's birthday this week and she's dying a slow death...lung disease. And these are the good years?

June 12 I got a call that my sister was being sent home from the hospital to die from Pneumonia, her lungs are shot, she's a smoker and a quadriplegic, which compounds it because she doesn't get the same circulation that you and I do. June 16 I got a call from my mom saying she never wanted to see me again, EVER! My mom has mental problems, paranoia and dementia, she's always been difficult, but it's worsened as she's gotten older. She had been fine on the 12th when I talked to her about my sister, although I know the news bothered her because she doesn't like to share attention. Around this time, I got the news that my other sister, who'd just arrived in Ireland on vacation, was in a hospital with Pneumonia and her husband was coming down sick too. He is a cancer survivor and gets sick easily. I later learned she'd suffered a couple of heart attacks. So now I'm worrying about all four of them. Then I get the news that my FIL is being sent to a nursing home because of kidney failure and he can't go home. He's 91 and a sweet old guy, this just broke my heart as he wants nothing more than to go home. An update on the sis in Ireland, she was finally able to travel home (all she saw on vacation was the inside of a hospital and airplanes), arrived home and slept a week, got checked out here and it turns out she doesn't have Pneumonia but an allergic reaction to some medication. She is now recuperated and quit smoking so she can live a few more years. Then my BF's mom took a turn for the worse and is expected to die...she won't eat, won't go to the doctor, weighs about 50 lbs. and refuses to cooperate with anyone/anything. It seems like everywhere around me are older people, dying. I get off work and visit one and the next day check on another... How do you maintain your sanity in between talking about dementia, hospice, assisted living and wills?

Marion, It's common for this feeling especially when things wind down...in the beginning you are so busy, planning a funeral, signing papers and filling out forms, notifying people, sorting through stuff, sending pictures and thank yous...getting things in order...and then when you finally have time to breathe, it hits you like a blow to the gut as it sinks in...he's gone, he's really gone. The next few months will be a challenge as you learn to know yourself as just you, separate and apart from being part of a couple...but it won't be the old you...that you was gone when he died...it will be a new you...you see, you will have developed as a person, learned to survive the unthinkable, learn to cope with the insurmountable, learned to focus on positive in the midst of pain and turmoil...and that person, that new you, will be a stronger person with more depth and character than you'd ever known possible. For right now, just continue taking small bites that you can handle, try to find something positive about the day, however small, try not to worry about the whole future which looms too big for now, accept help when offered, make effort to get out even when you don't see the point and don't feel like it, and express yourself...don't let things bottle up inside of you. Strangers will ask how you are, you can put on a fake smile and say fine...but when close family and friends ask, be honest. You will find out who your true friends are, and you will be surprised. Some you will lose, but you will gain new ones. Keep coming here, it was my lifeboat in the midst of the storm.

Jen, Let me say how sorry I am in your loss of your dog. That is a long time to spend with such a wonderful companion. Please don't feel guilty for feeling worse over the death of your dog than the death of your father...quite simply, we are often impacted with loss that affects our everyday existence more than others. When I lost my husband, it impacted my life on every level, he was part provider, the person that shared the household chores, he was my lover, my best friend, my companion, my sounding board, he was in fact, everything. I would feel pretty much the same way if I were to lose my dog...for my dog is my lover, my companion, my entertainer, my best friend...I just haven't figured out quite how to get him to do half the chores or bring in money! My dad, on the other hand, lived in another city, and I hadn't interacted with him on a daily basis for years, although I loved him still miss him all these 28 years later. Each loss is different and impacts us differently. The best we can hope for is a long enjoyable time with each.

Lisa, I'm sorry for the loss of your dog, I know it's got to be a huge adjustment. I'm sure this is very hard on your son too. CJ, Thank you for your helpful posts, as a dog lover, it is a good way to look at it.

I have a friend who lost her husband two years ago. She sees guys as "friends only", so it's kind of like dating only without the romance and platonic. It's more comfortable for her that way. The only bad thing is some of them keep hoping/trying for something more, but once she realizes that and they won't quit, she cuts them loose. Maybe someday she'll find someone special again...maybe not, but right now she's going to enjoy herself with other people's company. And she has plenty of people to cook for, and people who will install her new flooring or help her paint the house.

Suzanne, I wish you didn't have to go through this. I used to console myself that at least it was me going through it and not him. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially my Love. You are at one of the hardest spots on the journey...that of six months, for that is where shock wears off and reality sets in. You realize they aren't walking through the door, they're not answering the phone, they aren't going to say "Hi Hun, what's for dinner?", they aren't leaving the garage light on for you anymore. And that is a hard lump to swallow. I console myself with the knowledge we'll be together again, that this is temporary, that he didn't "cease to exist" but is merely somewhere else, out of my reach. I still talk to him, write to him, think of him, and carry him in my heart. I always will. Grief takes an immense amount of effort...the effort/challenge to try and find some little joy in each day...maybe it's a rainbow or a sunset or a puppy's kiss or a child's smile, a stranger letting you merge, someone holding the door open for you...maybe that will be all the good you'll find that day, but recognize and acknowledge it, look for it, and you will find it. It all helps our positive focus. I know it's hard, it really is, more than people can ever imagine or think, but you have us here to go through this with you, to listen, understand, and care. This place has been my saving grace. I hope it will be that for you too.

Gosh, you mean there's another way other than eating the same thing five days in a row for lunch and for dinner? LOL! There's always the freezing portions... or the dogs love leftovers... Get together with a friend, take turns cooking once a week? Cereal, salads, fruit, healthy snacks on hand...

Teny, How good to hear from you!!! I don't think it's so much that we've "recovered" (does one ever really 'recover'?) as we just don't know what else to say. There are a lot of new people here going through their experience together with a similar timeline...I think I feel "odd man out" anymore. (Sorry, don't know how to translate that!) It's good to hear from you though. I, too, miss everyone that used to be on here. And I wish you a better future. Love, Kay

Cheryl, How brave indeed! I think it'll give you a great feeling of accomplishment, having done this. Please let us know how it goes! When are you scheduled to leave? Kay

I'm so sorry for what you're going through...we have been there. I used to hate it when people would say, "It just takes time" because that didn't help me in the here and now. Unfortunately, they were right. My question was, "What do I do to survive NOW?!" And to that I usually hear a big resounding...nothing. But with the caring people here on this site, my faith (which seemed to elude me but was actually lurking in the background), I learned some things. I learned to focus on the present moment...not to take too big a bite, I couldn't worry about the whole future, only deal with what I could, right now. I learned to carry George inside of me, as a comfort...but it took a long time for me to accomplish that...in the beginning every thought of him brought immense pain and tears, but somewhere way down the road, I could remember his supportiveness and encouragement and love, and that comfort I carried inside of me to help me face life. I learned to accept help wherever it was offered. I no longer had him to do half the chores, the heavy lifting, the mechanical things I'm so NOT good at! So if anyone offered help, all thought of pride and independence went out the window and I gratefully accepted. I learned to do some things I hadn't before and hire out some things. Amazingly, God showed me answers to some problems and let me know He was there to turn to...but again, that took time for me, because I think it was about a year before I could even reach Him...I wasn't exactly super happy with Him for taking George without even consulting me. But He understood that. I learned to give place to what was inside of me...to express myself, vent, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do to get it out and not keep it bottled up. I took walks to let out energy. I used creativity to express myself. I learned to control what I could in an effort to re-balance the power that had been stripped from me. Each of us has to find our own way, but it really helped me to know we were walking this journey together.

To me it is easy to see why one would grieve so heavily over the loss of their pet. I can't count how many dogs and cats I've owned in my life and while each one has been loved and unique, there are certain ones that stand out because of their fit in the family and we will always miss and love each one of them. If I were to lose my Arlie, I don't know how I could survive it, he is everything to me, he is loving, entertaining and funny, such a wonderful companion! To even imagine living without his greeting me in the morning, his rolling over so I'll rub his belly (he's the biggest baby in the world!), his excitement and zest in life, our daily walks, coming home to his running around the house and playing, his snuggling up to me for love at night, his wanting in on any hugs going on (group hugs!), or even his begging for whatever we're eating, and teasing/playing with him...well, he just consumes so much of my life and he is the best part of it! How do you go from such an important relationship...to missing them? Well it's not that unlike what I went through when I lost my husband...you continue to exist, but you miss them in a profound way. You try to fill the voids the best way you can. And always, you remember them. You keep your hopes on seeing them again one day and look forward to that spot in time when you'll be reunited. And you do whatever you can to give place to the grief you are feeling...you write about it, you talk about it, you may use art or some other form, but you express what you are feeling so you don't keep it bottled up...and you may walk or some other form of exercise to get out the pent out stress that comes with grief. My heart goes out to each of you that is missing your best friends.

Suzanne, A lot of people when they are dying, aside from being in pain, not liking what's happening, it's a huge adjustment to go through and they are often not themselves. I would simply state the truth and let it go. Your brother may be incapable of retaining truth and reason at this time. I'm really sorry for the situation and the light it casts your son in...do try to shield your son from his remarks. Been there!

Cooper's Mommy, I am so sorry for your losing Cooper. My Arlie is my baby (all 81 pounds of him!) and I can't imagine how I'll survive losing him one day. I had a dog, years ago, named Fluffy. He was the perfect family dog, so adorable, very interactive, very sweet, we all loved him so much. He died unexpectedly well before his time, he climbed into our van unbeknownst to us and he hid and was real quiet because he knew he wasn't supposed to be there. I drove to work, it was summer, and I worked at a mill and there was so much wood dust there I always kept the windows all the way up. When I came out to the van at the end of the day and opened the door, he rolled out into my arms, stiff as a board. I totally freaked out. While I'd been inside the office working, his brain was exploding from heat. I never got over that. There will never be another dog to replace him, but I can finally say I am now as close if not closer to my Arlie. I had one dog inbetween them, Lucky, she was a really good girl, well trained, but I never got as attached to her because she was always scared and would just lay in the corner and not interact much (she'd been abused as a puppy). These little furry creatures are the sunshine in our day and it is so hard to go on when they leave us. We all know we will most likely outlive them, their life spans are so much shorter than ours, and really, we wouldn't want it the other way, we wouldn't want the dogs to have to live without us, but it's so much harder, if you ask me, when their little lifespans are cut shorter than they should be, it just seems an incredible waste. I for one happen to believe they will greet us in heaven one day and we'll have them back. They are what I look forward to! I know Dori isn't the same as Cooper and maybe that's good, she can earn her own little spot in your heart, but I wish you much love and joy in her!

OMG, Marion, that is too hard! I am so sorry! You're right, people shouldn't have to outlive their children. Please stay on this site, it'll be of immense help to you, just to have others to relate to, there's a good group of people here. (((hugs!))) Kay

Sissy's Mom, I hear and feel your grief and want to tell you I am so sorry you lost your best friend. That is how I felt about my Chappy, and now I have a dog Arlie that means the world to me...when the time comes that his life is over, it's going to kill me, I literally do not know how I'll be able to take it. I thank God for the privilege of having these special creatures in our lives, it's amazing the bonds we can share. I wish for sunny days to come again for you soon.

Mrs. B, I'm so sorry. Our pets are everything to us, and I am so sorry you are again facing loss. As Marty said, sometimes it can trigger our original loss for a while. Our "Tigger" ran away a month or two after George died, I guess he gave it enough time that he figured George wasn't coming back. It was hard because it was George's cat but it was mine too and I guess it made me feel like chopped liver, I will never forget the look on his face the last time I saw him. I got another cat then, Chappy, and he was my little lover-boy, I felt God gave him to me after George died, he'd sleep with his little paws around my neck, I really loved him...and then he got eaten by a cougar. Then our old cat, King George, passed away, about a year after my George did. And then my Lucky girl (dog) died. It all is so hard to take. I have a new dog now, Arlie, and if I lost him or my newer cats, Miss Mocha and Kitty, it would be really hard. In fact, I hate to see the day I lose Arlie, he is my life. I wish there was something I could do for you, but please know I am sending prayers your way along with (((hugss))). Kay

I guess part of growing up is realizing what a toxic relationship is and then protecting ourselves from it...no matter who it may be. I probably would have continued being there for her the rest of her life, even though I've never gotten anything good from the relationship, just out of a sense of duty, if she had not cut me off. I am just holding her to her words. I feel so strongly that I cannot allow her to poison my life with her continual irrational changes and decrees...I'm just done. I don't even know at this point if I want to attend her funeral someday...I'll just have to wait and see how I feel about it when the time comes...one of my sisters told me she feels the same way. One thing I do have are amazing siblings, we will always be close...all the more reason I'm hurting right now, I have one dying and another one very close to it also.

She may have died "so long ago" but to you it is still fresh because you miss her and need her. I know, my husband died in June 2005 and at certain times, it feels unbearable...there are those special ways they were with us that no one else fills and when we especially need them and they aren't there, we miss them the most...those times like when we're having health problems or lose our job or have a family issue. People who haven't lost a spouse can't possibly know just how much it encompasses. You're in our thoughts and prayers... Kay

It is totally okay to continue wearing your wedding rings...noone else should take exception to that. Some wear them the rest of their life, some take them off at some point, but whatever you do is up to you. As for dating, I'd suggest you let her know that if and when the time ever comes, you'll let her know but for right now you can't even think about it. It seems callous to even ask that because you still love your husband and didn't ask for him to die, but people who haven't been through it just don't understand, this isn't like a divorce, for crying out loud!

Abby, I'm sorry you lost your Danny. While it's true that it takes time, that doesn't help you in the here and now. I'm glad you found this site, there's a lot of other folks going through the same thing and this is a very caring place to be. We welcome you to come back any time, it's a good way to fill those lonely tear-filled middle-of-the-nights. And it helps to get it out and express it. We're all here for you.

Well it feels weird to have a mother alive and not be able to call her or go see her and know that she doesn't love you and doesn't want you. Even at my age it's weird. I can't imagine ever saying that to my kids. Not ever, not for any reason...and the fact that she doesn't have any reason for doing this makes it doubly hard. Wow, I feel so rejected. Your mom, of all people, is supposed to love you. So many times in the last nine days I've started to call her or go by there, only to remember...it's going to take a while to sink in. At the same time, I also feel relief and it's peaceful, not to have to clench my stomach, wondering what's next, what's she going to say/do, etc.? It feels healthier to be done with it. And what's really sad is I know how close all of the rest of my siblings are from going through the same thing...and I worry about how she'll fare once she's cut all of us off. She's cut off contact with us before, but never before said EVER! There's a big difference between her deciding not to speak for a year, and deciding she's done with you forever and ever. (A year you can enjoy...) I've tried to find forums for adult children with parents such as her but that's a pretty tall order, not sure it exists. I have run across ones though that had abusive parents, most of the responders were younger and usually it's a Bipolar Mother or Narcissist, but none with the multiple problems my mom has...they tell you to reason with them but mine doesn't have the ability to reason. They tell you to set boundaries with them but mine doesn't recognize boundaries. And her mind is so far gone. Maybe if she'd seen a therapist when she was young there'd have been some hope for her...but at 88, not much likelihood of changing. Still, I pray for peace for her, it's about all I can do. As for myself, it's nice having the phone ring and not having to worry (when I have company) what inappropriate thing she'll say on the answering machine, etc. I can actually hook up my answering machine again, yay! It felt sad when I sent her Bible back, but she doesn't want it because it's from me. That's another one of the consequences of her many disorders...she seems to cut off her nose to spite her face...a lot. Well I guess I really should just let it go...let her go...move on with my life. Seems weird but...

Yeah, and being on our own isn't so bad. It's not exhilarating like living my life with George is, but there's good parts.