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It was so good to get on here tonight and see all the "oldies" replying too you. I don't get on as often but still think about every one. I still remember you putting Jeannie's picture at her table setting for Thanksgiving the first year I was on here. I hope you did OK on the anniversary but am realitively sure it is like most, the anticipation is worse than the day itself. Thinking of you,

Nick, I don't remember how old your boys are but when we couldn't afford big vacations, just a weekend at a motel 30 miles away that had a pool was exciting for them. We always tried to find someplace to eat that wasn't available at home. Those were happy times to them.

Phil, I am so glad you found this site. I didn't come on for almost 7 mos after Tom died, and between it and my local grief support, I don't know which one saved me the most. I like you thought that when my dad (in my case) died that it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Little did I know it would be very very pale in comparison to the loss of my husband. The only other thing that I can imagine would hurt that bad would be the loss of a child or grandchild. I hope I never have to find out. You are still so early in this journey. Just take one second, minute, hour, day, breath; whatever it takes to keep you going. Try to keep some normalcy in your life and keep as "normal" a routine as you can because this will give you a purpose to your day. Luckily I still worked 3 days a week because that is the only thing that helped me keep my sanity. Isn't it amazing how similar a lot of our stories are? Tom too had been healthy and had his first complete physical in over 30 years including a colonoscopy 3 weeks before we got his diagnosis and 4 1/2 months later he was gone. He too had pain but very seldom complained and yet before this if he got a sniffle he was "dying". I still cannot look to the future. I have to write everything on a calendar so I know what is going to happen. I don't know if it is because I don't want something to happen to break my heart again or what. Don't let anyone try to tell you how to grieve. You have to do it in your own way. If they are worried that you are depressed because of some of your actions, please listen to them so you don't become a recluse. Your wife would not want that. Good luck to you and keep coming back here. It is a real safe house and you can say anything any time and someone will probably respond.

Ron, I am so happy things have started getting better for you. If you'll remember I was one of those people you lashed out at when you first came on here. It takes a big person to admit that he misjudged some people (Marty). I am proud of you. I hope you continue to grow in this journey.

Nats - My love in God has never wavered, but I still don't understand why this happened to me. It is just short of 3 years for me and I become more and more lonely. I have several friends including my new friends who are walking this same path, but I can be surrounded by 30 people and still feel like I am all alone. Tom and I just shared so much and spent so much time as just the 2 of us. Granted I don't cry all day every day any more and have been able to do the physical things of work and home but I still feel empty. No matter what I do whether sitting with a grieving friend, being with family or just sitting at home I miss him like crazy and there isn't a day that goes by that my eyes don't fill with tears at one point or another. I have been going to a counselor and he feels I have complicated grief and asked me to try a small dose of medication which I told him I would. I still can't imagine the loneliness leaving but I will try.

It's been 2 years and 9 months and although I don't cry all day every day there isn't a day that I don't get a tear in my eye, a knot in my stomach, a hollowness or some other emotion that reminds me that Tom will NEVER be back. I can still not look to the future. I just take one day at a time and when I make it through I thank God. A friend of mine and I were talking the other day and it will be 37 years since she lost her first husband. ( I think she's been remarried almost 30 years) She said there are still days that she wonders if there wasn't something she could have done to prevent his death. She still has the coulda, woulda, shoulda syndrome at times. So I don't know if some of us will ever be able to live a totally "normal" life. My counselor says all he sees is sadness in my eyes. I would love to have that ornery twinkle back, but part of that twinkle was because of Tom. We each just have to walk this path and its many tributaries in our own way and hope that we finally make it. Best of luck in this journey and keep coming here for help.

There are certain steps you go through in grief and this is just one of them. The "denial" that he was going to die was one. We just all go through the same things but in a different order or you may skip one phase and take twice as long for another. What you are going through if very normal, just give yourself time because that is the only thing that helps each of us. It doesn't mean we will forget but the sting is a little less.

Did I have a perfect marriage, you betcha. Did we never argue -heck yes we did. Just because things don't seem perfect at times they are things that make you grow in your marriage. If you don't learn from them, then yes it isn't good, but I think most of us on here anyway have learned from our mistakes. Does that make our grief any different - no. Just try to give yourself some breathing room. If that means you don't come to this site every day that's OK. At first I probably got on her 6-8 times a day. Then I felt like listening to people tell my story again and again and my response was always the same was kind of bringing me down so I had to step back for a while. When I came back I just read comments a lot. If I felt that there was something really important that I could add that may help someone, I did. Otherwise I just read. Belonging to this group has no fit. It isn't like buying a new pair of shoes and yet in a way it is. All of us have different size and shaped feet so we can't all wear the same shoe. Grief is kind of like that. We have all come to this spot from different roads. Some of us have taken more side roads than others, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just a detour. At any rate we all ended up at the same spot and now we have to figure out what road to take next. Some of us can take the straight path; where others have to take detours along the way. You just have to know how to get to the end. I'll be saying prayers for you that you find some comfort in this situation.

Maybe our loved ones don't feel anything, but that sure doesn't mean that we don't. As I told someone the other day, you have NO idea what it's like to lose a spouse until you've lost one. I know that I knew it would be bad but actually thought I was fairly strong. Well, 2 1/2 years later that HUGE hole in my gut is no smaller. Yes, I can function better but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Even some of those who have remarried will tell you they still think about the one they lost. You just have to hope if love comes again that this new person will understand your love for your previous spouse and accept it.

You might contact compassionatefriends.org. It is an organization for those who have lost a child. They may be able to help you set up a group in your area. Also, our hospital has a grief support group. It may not be just parents and if they don't have a group there maybe they would be willing to start one if enough people showed an interest. I'll tell you from experience it is getting people to come at least twice that is the hard part. Good luck in your endeavors. Those of us grieving need all the support we can get.

Thanks Walt. It made me cry but has so many things that are oh so true.

How wonderful is that? So glad you have that memory too.

Gail that is wonderful and no one can say you rushed in to it (as if it was their business anyway) Hope this new road make you as happy as you seem to be now.

Each person has to float in their own boat. Some people seem so happy and ready to move on in a few months while others of us struggle. I think a lot of it is how long you had been together and what your relationship was to that person as well as others around you. Like me for instance; I had pretty much given up most of my friends because Tom was uncomfortable because they didn't smoke and he'd go out by himself for a few drags so after a while we started doing things with pretty much just his family because most of them smoked. Now because of several things that happened I have pretty well distanced myself from them and hate to beg my friends to take me back, so it's really lonely. I have quite a group of widow friends and we do things together and even laugh and enjoy ourselves at times but there are other times like recently that everything makes me cry. Just take this all at your own speed, whether it be minute to minute or day by day. You will eventually feel some happiness again.

Couples parse don't bother me but weddings and anniversaries do. The ones that end in zero seem to especially bother me. I feel bad because there are going to be special celebrations for some of my friends this year and I really don't think I can go. I can talk to them one on one about it but am afraid I would break down and ruin their celebration. I'm having an especially hard time the last week or so and am not sure why. Sun it will be 3 years since we got Tom's diagnosis. I can still remember that hit in the gut feeling. I just had no clue and as a nurse that still bothers me. Good luck to you in deciding what to do.

Kim - you know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope your help and that of your kids is better. ((((((((HUGS))))))))) Kay - I think most of us don't have anything to associate someone's death with unless they were really close to that person. I don't think they mean to forget or to hurt our feelings. I recently sent a friend a not because it had been 29 years since her little boy died. It is easy for me to remember this one because he was born 2 days after my youngest daughter and he died on the birthday of twins of some friends or ours and now that is my granddaughters b'day. Had it not been for those associations though I probably wouldn't remember the exact date. Both of you take care and know that even if I don't write on here or send a lot of PMs that I think of you.

Just take a deep breath and breathe. I don't know if you are having to sell your house for financial reasons or what but sometimes there is a reason things happen slowly. Maybe your boys need to stay in a familiar place a little longer. My daughter and I were talking tonight about it being the "little" things that get you. Don't be surprised if the anniversary and your birthday don't turn out near as bad as you anticipate. It seems like the things we prepare ourselves for turn out to be easy for the most part. It's a song that suddenly plays on the radio or in a movie, a certain smell, seeing the same body shape, things like that which are like someone punched you in the gut and you totally loose it and there is no stopping it. I will pray that things get better for you, but sometimes we don't know what better is until later.

TOTALLY understand. 18 mos after Tom died , our 17year 7mos and 10day old dog died in my arms after trying so hard to all night long. I don't know why I didn't realize that a dog's death would mimic a humans but the breathing, restlessness, etc brought everything from the last night with Tom just rushing back. I was going to take a "rest" for a while, but one day shy of a month someone brought me a new puppy that I really didn't want at the time and he has been here since. Sometimes I swear it is Tom. Like when he licks at my feet (Tom would always tease me because I can't stand to have anything done to my feet). There are times when he sits on my lap and just the way he stares in to my eyes, I swear it is Tom looking at me. I am sorry you had to go through this again so soon, but just as you did with your first journey, take one minute at a time.

I know songs really get to me too. My daughter says, just turn it off when it comes on. She doesn't understand that once you've heard any part of it the emotions come flying at you. I went to see Julie & Julia with friends and when they played I love you a bushel and a peck near the end of the show I totally lost it and bawled like a baby. I know people thought I was losing my mind. It's just nice to know you can come here and people "get it".

Amen

Teny, I am so glad you posted because I was afraid that you may be ill because I sent you a couple of emails and did not get a response. I too feel better at times but there are other times I feel that I am at square one. I have a friend who started to date because she said she can't live the rest of her life without that love and affection and caring for someone. My problem is that I don't want somebody else's love and affection I want Tom's. I have spent the last 4 months recovering from having my knees replaced and it has given me way to much time to think. All I can say is that God has gotten us this far and I'm sure he will guide us through the rest of the trails too,

JCT, It's pretty much like everyone has said. It is the hardest job most of us have ever had and you have added to it a baby. I am assuming you have custody of her. There are times that the hurting is pushed to the back burner so to speak but then something happens and it all comes rushing back as if the whole stove was on fire. I had that happen yesterday when I was looking for something from when I was in high school and came across a card that Tom sent me before our wedding. He had signed it your future husband with an I Love You. I have had a hard time since keeping myself composed. I've had several "meltdowns" in the past 2 days. So I guess what I'm saying is the "sting" gets a little more bearable for me at times, but I wonder when the next thing will hit. We all go through this in our own way and I hope you will find some solice on this site.

What a wonderful tribute to your mother. Did you happen to include a picture of her in your introduction?

Hope everything comes together for you soon. Keep up the good work.

It's been 2.5 years and I still wear my rings. In fact I had one that we had to get Tom because his finger got to big for his original one cut down and wear it underneath my set.. It makes me feel closer to him for some reason. A lot of times I will just sit a twirl it like I was rubbing his back or something. I don't think there is a wrong answer to this question. I think you have to do what you are comfortable with.