mlg

It's funny that this topic comes up again. It can be very upsetting and yet at times it can be soothing. Last Sat the song that says, I would give anything just to spend one more moment with you... came on when I was going to my granddaughter's ballgame and I had a major meltdown. I knew I had to compose myself before I went in and thought I had done OK but a friend said, Are you OK? and after the game my daughter said she could tell there was something wrong. When I told her what had happened, she questioned why I listened to the song. She doesn't understand once it's started it doesn't matter how much of it I listen to the damage is done. I still to this day cannot handle the Wilson/Phillips song release these chains because it was popular when my dad died. It's just another one of the side roads we take on this grief journey but we will eventually come back to the main road. Good luck to you.

Thanks everyone. I made it though the day. Worked and then took my mom to my grandson's ballgame which pretty well occupied the entire day so didn't have a lot of time to "think". He's never out of my mind but when you can't think about it things seem a little smoother. One of my friends at work sent me two pink roses which was an added pleasant surprise since only 2 other people besides you guys and my family (and some of them didn't remember the right date) even said anything. That's OK he's not out of my mind and if they think by not saying anything it is better for me, all I've got to say is that one of these days they'll see what it is like. Oh well, I really appreciate you guys and thanks again.

Valley, As you know we have so many parrallels and this is just another one. Tom made me eat so many words. I didn't kiss on the first date except for him and from that moment on I knew he was different. Wasn't going to marry someone who didn't have as much education as I because my folks used to argue about this but I did. Wouldn't marry someone until we dated at least a year - we were married in 10 months. I wouldn't change a thing though. No we didn't always agree and some of the things we argued the most about I still don't understand but we made it through with much more smooth sailing than rough seas in just shy of 37 years. We complimented each other so well and could finish each others sentences. Even the tone of his voice over a phone told me something was bothering him terribly in 1990 and I was afraid my dad had passed away and he was trying to hide it from me (he was dying of prostate cancer at the time). He kept trying to tell me that nothing was wrong but I knew. When I got home he told me about an incident with someone outside a store in a town about 30 miles from here that could have cost him his life but he didn't want me to worry. We were "one". Tom's angelversary is the 18th and I'll start my 3rd year. There are days that are better and days I can't seem to quit crying. My one sister in law told me that he would be so upset with me but I told her he knew how it would be. He knew how much I loved and depended on him even though I had always been strong before his illness. I thought I could handle most anything but this has knocked the wind totally out of my sails. I know I will make it because thousands of others have but it doesn't mean that I like it. There isn't a day that I don't think about him or talk to him. In case I don't get back on before the 14th, know that I will be thinking of you that day. Keep this ((((hug))) until then.

Yes, girlfriends are wonderful. That is why I first started going to grief support. I hoped to find some "friends" who would understand what I was going through. There are 6 of us who still do things together and we have added a few more along the way. The only thing that bothers me is the "widows club" appearance. I wish others would join us because we do have fun when we are together. Kath, you have always seemed like a very nice person and I'm sure others will come your way.

Now, I guess I'm a little opposite. I get tired of telling people, I'm alright or OK or doing better just to make them feel good when at the time I may be dying inside and want to sit down and bawl my eyes out. Yes, there are days I am better and yes, it feels good to laugh, but it also feels good to be around people who let me be me whether it be happy or sad. The only problem is that for the most part that is all people that I have met that are in the same boat as myself. Someone who has lost the love of their life and no disrespect to them, I find that very sad. One of my main goals in life is to try to get people to understand that we would all be better if they would just let us be US. To let us talk, laugh,cry, mention or loved one and if we get tears in our eyes then so be it. They may be happy or sad tears but that is US. I pray with all my heart that even if I "teach" a few people to be accepting that maybe they will teach a few and so on and so on and maybe one of these days people won't need sites like this ( no offense Marty because it is wonderful) because people will finally "get it".

Walt, You know the thing I think about most when I think of you is the first Thanksgiving ( I think that was the holiday) when you set a place at the table for Jeannie and put her picture there. I will forever remember that post and picture.

There are lots of us still viewing from afar. It isn't necessarily that we don't have anything to offer, but helping others helped us and now it is others turn. If we really feel we have something to offer we will, but know that you need that healing too. I especially think Boo has done a wonderful job as well as many others. I remember the first time someone said that I had helped them. It was a big turning point for me and we all need our turn at it. Just know we are here if you need us. You can always send us an individual message if you need to. This journey is different for all of us and for me personally, some things are better, but I still fall back in to some of the things that first happened. For instance, I am back in a no sleeping pattern and beating myself up again about did I miss something, did he really know how much I loved him, did I give him enough "space" in the end, did I give him too much... and in 2 weeks it will be 2 years. I just know we will all make it through because thousands before us have, but it's not an easy road to travel.

And apparently we can talk ourselves blue in the face and it still doesn't help. People (including family) just don't get grief sometimes. Within the last month I had a conversation with my daughters about the fact that I knew they were upset about losing their dad and I understood Tom's siblings lost a brother but I really don't feel people understand that I lost a husband. We talked about how they talk to their spouse and kids but I have no one to listen but Shadow and he didn't even know Tom. I told them I wish they'd talk to me when they were sad so we could comfort each other. I thought I had gotten through to them because in the last 3 days I've had to read on face book how sad they have been. I am so hurt, frustrated and even angry and I can't quit crying. Believe me nobody better tell me to quit or they are liable to meet my wrath because right now I'm pretty tired of everybody. I know this too will pass and we will all make it like hundreds before us. Thanks for letting me rant.

I tried to send you a personal message but it said you couldn't receive any new messages. I hope that means lots of people are personally responding to you.

It's funny that you posted this because my oldest daughter and I had an argument recently on Tom's b'day because we had a b'day supper and I didn't feel he was honored. For some reason my girls think I want like a mini funeral when we get together for something like this and they don't want to be sad. I told them all I want is for someone to talk about him once in a while and let me talk. But they said it makes your voice crack or you cry and we talk about him at home. I said EXACTLY. Everybody else gets to talk about him and express their feeling but me. In almost 2 years I've always let everybody else have their way. When do I get to have mine? Like I told them if people would let us talk and cry when we need to maybe we'd all get "better" a lot quicker but we almost all have to keep our feelings all bottled up for fear of making someone else sad. Sometimes all I want is for someone to hug me and tell me they understand (don't think it's going to happen)

Our picture was taken at a YMCA auction 11/5/07. Little did we know that in 22 days our lives would be totally shattered. Even though his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer came the beginning of Sept. he was really feeling pretty well. Little did we know that now his liver was totally invaded. He was so happy that night and kept saying so and so said if they didn't know I was sick they wouldn't be able to tell. He was so proud of that. It would be the last formal picture we had take before he died in Jan. I look at that picture now and wonder if the "star" in the background was already the good Lord looking out for him. I have our wedding picture and this picture on the tombstone to represent our beginning and end together.

If you look at past posts a lot of us have lacked family support. Tom's family tell me they lost a brother too and have to deal with it in their own way (sticking their heads in the sand). I am to accept the way they grieve but they don't have to accept me or talk about it. Rochel, I wish it was easy to make up. The hurt has been often and deep and as a usually forgiving person I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive them. I hope others can handle this better.

Thank you so much to all my friends on here. Now they are trying to tell me I am depressed, so I printed up the signs of depression for them and only one applied to me and as I told them I had done that particular thing my entire life. I told them it is not depression it is GRIEF and I wish people would learn the difference. They also said they wondered if the grief support was bringing me down. I said at times it makes me sad but it is the only place I feel I can be me. I know that I'll/we'll get through this. Just hold on every one.

It was nice to have supper with family but it was also sad. It was like nobody but me realized why we were having this supper. I wanted to sing Happy Birthday and my one daughter said she couldn't so my other daughter and I basically whispered it when the room was empty. Why do I always have to do what every body else wants to? Why can't I grieve the way I want to? His family sticks their heads in the sand because then they don't have to acknowledge anything. Usually the daughter that sang with me doesn't want to talk because it makes her sad. The other daughter has supported me when I've had a "breakdown" when she is here sometimes. But really, nobody really wants to know how I feel except the people on here and I really need a good cry with someone putting their arms around me and nobody has really done that in 21 months. I don't know how I'm suppose to get over this if I can't express myself for fear of hurting someone else. My poor puppy thinks I am nuts tonight crying and screaming at everyone at the top of my voice when no one is here. Thanks for listening. P.S. 2 strange things did happen this weekend; my one sister in law suddenly asked me out for supper last night and another one emailed me to tell me she was thinking about me today. It's sad though because I am still reserving my feelings because of how they have treated me but maybe there is a break through.

Thanks gals. My girls and their families are coming over for supper Sun. We are having Tom's favorite lasagna and I still haven't made up my mind if we'll have choc. pie or cheesecake because he liked both of those better than cake. the problem is we usually don't have room for dessert anyway so it will just depend on how much effort I want to put in to it. I'm just having a hard time again, not being able to give him a present. I always tried to make his b'day so special and I'm already upset because I can't give him a BIG party next year for his 65th. I'd even think about having a big party in memory of him but would feel obligated to invite his family and at this point anyway I don't want to do that. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks again.

Linda I am sorry that none of us can tell you when it will get better. Each of us is so different. There are several that are about the same place I am in the grief journey but some have been able to move forward (some are even dating) and others are still stuck in the ruts. I am somewhere in between I guess. I can function but at times have mental lapses (maybe they're senior moments). I still cannot look to the future but make it through every day. Some days are easier that others. I'm sure you will probably sleep better this weekend if you are anything like me. It is amazing how much better I sleep when someone else is in the house. I hope this will be true for you too. Enjoy your son and your time with him this weekend. Hope the weather will be nice where you are.

I have never been angry with God, but I have told him I just don't understand. Some talk about the fact that He doesn't answer their prayers to save their loved ones, but I think He does. It just isn't in the way we want. Tom had people all over the world praying for him and he still died. Looking back though I think God maybe made his road home a little easier. He usually didn't do well with being sick (even with a cold it was major), but he was a real trooper in his last battle. Pancreatic cancer can be very painful and yes, he had pain but not often and not long, so maybe that was the answer to all the prayers. He only had to endure all of this for a short 4 1/2 months and we didn't have to watch him waste away. Was that God's way of helping those left behind? We'll only know when we join Him in heaven. So sometimes the answers are staring us in the face and we can't see them. I really feel we have a loving God who is embracing each of us and understands our wonder of why He did what He did to us and our loved ones, but He loves each of us and knows we are human. He gave me almost 38 years with a wonderful caring man who loved me unconditionally. A man who gave me a wonderful loving life and two daughters. We were able to share a lot of things that some of you didn't have the opportunity to do and I will always be thankful for that too.

Fred As we've always said, it's one step at a time. I'm sorry that your dating experiences haven't worked the way you wanted them to, but maybe it just wasn't the right time. I too thought maybe I was ready to at least go out to eat with someone of the opposite sex but as soon as they asked I knew I wasn't. I know some people who read our posts think we are downers, but that is not the intent. We are just trying to be honest and find our own way at the same time. I still can only look at today because the future without Tom still hurts too much. That is my coping while others have totally moved on. We each go through this journey our own way and that is fine. There is no right or wrong way - just our way. I have a friend who just recently opened up to me. I think she has been holding a lot in. She is 18 years older than I and had worked in my grandma's beauty shop. Something came up when she called to make a donation for Tom's benefit and she said she was so tired of people telling her how well she was doing. She said this was her 8th year and the worse yet. She has called several times since because I think she is a lot like me. If people would just let us be us and treat us like they did before we lost our loved one and let us cry when we need to without making us feel bad about it; I think we would all get better a lot quicker. It's all the charade playing that we have to do that keeps us from moving forward. I think that is why so many of us do better at our grief support groups and on this site, because we can be us. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for because you have always seemed like such a nice person. They always say that love shows up in the most unusual places and maybe that will happen for you. Wishing you much happiness.

Teny I know that today was hard on you but hope that you got to spend it with family since I know the grandchildren can put some lightheartedness in the moment. I know this has been a long journey but I have seen so much change in you. It is not that we will ever forget our loved one but they are just tucked away a little bit in a safe place for us to visit when we need to. Love you

I'm not going to add much to what people have said, but I want to tell you what I have found. I couldn't figure out what my purpose was to be. Why was I the one left behind? Well, the only answer I could come up with was I was always the go getter and so I am doing every thing I can to try to get people to know about pancreatic cancer and to help and organization that is trying to find an early detection test. Even doing that can be depressing though because this year we didn't make as much as last year. Just remember what ever we do to help rid this world of the things our loved ones died from is honoring them. You have already started with your very first post. Maybe more people need to hear a man's perspective of breast cancer.

This subject comes up every once in while but in the reverse. It is usually about the "stupid" things people say. I know it is hurtful to us but I think they just don't know what to say and at that moment it really wouldn't make any difference what they said. Let's be honest, we are so raw that almost anything can be hurtful. We love and miss them so much. People stood in line for 3 hours at Tom's visitation and the one thing that made the biggest impression on me was an almost homeless looking, unkempt, straggly bearded little guy who stood in line all that time to tell me he had ridden the school bus with Tom when they were in grade school. I had never heard Tom mention him and the rest of his family barely remembered him but Tom did something that left an impression on him and he stood all that time to tell me. Silent hugs are the best, or even, "I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry you have to go through this", but I'm sure even that comment would upset some. The oldies on here know that I did not have much family support except for my one daughter. The other one is able to talk more now but we are going on two years. If it were not for this site and my grief support friends, I don't know where I would be. My greatest moment came the week after Tom died when a friend of his called me and said he couldn't tell me the day of the funeral but when he was getting dressed (he was a pallbearer) his cell phone rang. He said he didn't know why he stopped to answer it but when he did it said he had a voice mail message that would be deleted if he did not save it. When he listened it was a call from Tom on Dec 9th (He died Jan 18th) just saying he was calling and looking for Gary. A couple of weeks later I called him because I was already forgetting his voice and he still had the message on the phone so he kept calling until we got a good take of it on my recorder. Now when I want to hear him I can. Just like our comments, sometimes it is comforting and sometimes it makes me sad. Someone talked of the photos of other happy couples and I have a hard time with that every Sunday when the paper has anniversaries and weddings. I am happy for them and at the same time jealous and sad. Kath - I think the program your church has sounds wonderful. I am trying to be supportive down the road and taking a meal and listening but am not having a very positive response. One man seemed offended when I asked how he was doing ( I know that may sound stupid because we have all lost someone, but you have to start somewhere and I'm talking 9 months or more out) and basically said he didn't want to talk to someone who might bring him down. I just respect what they say and let them know I am here if they need to talk. Just breathe deep everyone. WE WILL make it through this. It may not be pleasant but we will do it just like the thousands before us.

I too felt like I should do this but my sister in law who works with the funeral industry says that here anyway they really don't reccommend prepaying. I had a friend who did in Oct and died in Apr and it still cost $5000 more. I thought the whole idea was to keep the cost down and pick out what you want. She said it is better to write your wishes down and be open with your family about what you want. Hope this helps.

Valley I know we have talked about our similarities before. My Tom's b'day will be in 12 days. I don't know that I will be able to be as strong as you because I've already had tears about it. I hope you're supper was comforting.

I am so sorry that I did not know about this before. I don't read every day any more so I know I miss things. Please accept my condolences. I'm sure that anger at your step brother comes in to play a lot more than it did with your wife. It is so hard for us to accept why someone would do this, but just realize that this too is a sickness. I'm sure it is hard with Carson too since he is at the precarious age. Take care of yourself

I totally agree with Linda. You seem like a very out doorsy person but maybe something like a spa day would be in order. Have you thought about something like that?