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I don't know if either of you has a pet, but our dog died 18 mos after Tom and I went through the emptiness you talk about. Then someone rescued a little black cocker and old softy here ended up keeping him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in the last 18 mos. His unconditional love and excitement to see me brightens my day.

There is a Wilson Philips song "hold on" that was popular in the 90's when my dad was dying. To this day I have to get out or ear shot of it or I will start bawling. I have hurriedly dressed to get out of a dressing room, gotten off at the next bus stop, just plugged my ears to get away from it. It doesn't comfort me at all. I hate it. I'm glad you have a song that comforts you.

I too have thought about this but we are so strung out it would be hard to find a central location and the economy may keep a lot from being able to come. It is something worth thinking about.

I'm sure you thought you would never make it to this day like so many of us have felt. I think we are always amazed when we got here. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and before you know it another year will go by. Not that it's any easier but again we make it.

Suzanne I don't know of anyone who has had to collect from the life insurance but I do know some that use their home and auto insurance and have not had trouble. I know that they use to use the Hartford Ins. and that was a reputable agency as far as I know.

I think most of us have the no sleep disorder and lonely night syndrome. I used to look around the top of the room where the ceiling meets the wall between 9 and 10 every night and just bawl. I too would put the TV on timer and would finally fall asleep. Two of my friends from grief support and I went to FL shortly after the first anniv. and I did find when people were there with me I could go to sleep without the TV so now I do have nights when I can just go to bed like an ordinary person. Well, kind of; I still sleep sideways in the bed so I can be partially on his side of the bed. You just have to take everything a minute at a time and gradually increase. When you have a set back, you go back to the minute. Don't be hard on yourself. You are exactly where you should be. Take care of yourself and keep coming back here.

Loved the poem Mrs. B except I hope we really don't have to have angel food cake because I don't like it. Korina this HUG is for you, to keep you safe and sound tonight. Hope you had a fairly good day.

Phyllis, I don't think it makes any difference if you are 15 hours, days, months or years; I think those of us who truly loved our loved one will miss them for the rest of our lives. Sure we can "hide" behind a smile or laugh but there is still that hole in our heart. Times may be easier sometimes but the hurt is ALWAYS there. I have a friend whose husband has been gone for almost 36 years and she is has been remarried for over 25 but she says sometimes when she looks at her kids she can't hardly stand it. I don't mean to be a downer but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Thanks for letting us know what was going on Kim. I was hoping things were maybe finally looking up for Kim. I hope she knows that she is in my prayers and I know that Dan has his arms around her.

A lot of people have something every year on the anniversary and it comforts them. Some have a flower planting, a special supper, but this seems a little extravagant. I would tell them that you cannot afford the airline ticket and other expenses and do not feel that you can relive the "visitation and after the funeral dinner", that you are still to raw. I will almost guarantee that they won't like this but you are the one who has to survive. They didn't care enough to buy a plane ticket to come see you so why should you do the reverse and put yourself through hell.

Sharla, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I haven't read enough of your posts to know if your dad is still lucid with all of this going on or if he is confused. You know that if he is capable of making decisions that he may come to a point where he doesn't want any more treatment. It is a very heart breaking moment, believe me. I understood Tom's decision and as a nurse realized there was probably no hope but it was still just another knife in the heart. I just wanted to kind of prepare you and hope I didn't hurt you with this. Aquarius The reason they wait a month or 6 weeks is because the radiation can still be killing cells and if they do the follow up too early the results may not be accurate. I know the wait is horrible, but just hang on. My prayers for both of you and everyone else on this site.

I am so sorry for your situation and can only tell you that I had a similar thing with my husband and dog. My husband was dying of pancreatic cancer and my dog was over 16 and I thought too that I would lose them together. Well, Holly (the dog) lasted almost 1 mos after Tom died and was so comforting to me. The month after she died a friend found a pup dodging traffic with it's mom and rescued it. No one claimed him and I have had him every since. He is the best thing that happened to me and sometimes I almost swear he is my husband reincarnated. He has given me a purpose for coming home, loves me unconditionally and brings great joy to me. It may not be right for you but once you have been able to get your life back on track it's something you too may consider. Right now just hang in there, drink things like ensure or instant breakfast so you are getting nourishment if nothing else. Know that the people here are praying for you. I'm glad you found this site before your mother's passing because you can get some comfort now also. Is your mother in hospice? If not is is something you may want to consider. I know people have a hard time because they tell you to enter that they feel your time is 6 mos or less, but don't let that scare you because I know a lady who was off and on it for 5 years. If you are your mom's caregiver it will help you, it keeps your mom more comfortable and is usually cheaper than other care. I have had to use it 4 times and only once was a bad experience. Good luck to you.

Only you will be able to tell that because we are all different. I don't know where you live but a lot of us around here have been really down and it has been several years but we have had such gloomy, rainy weather that we think that is part of the problem. We just aren't getting out and that makes it worse for a lot of people. You have to realize that you were "hit" with several firsts recently and it's only been 6 mos. I still cannot take it more than one day at a time. If you need to take it a minute or hour at a time then that is what you need to do. Be gentle on yourself and you will make it through.

Why would it be offensive to us? We have all been there whether our loved one was tortured or not a loss is a loss and that is why we are here. I hope you find some solace in coming here and seeing that others understand for the most part how you feel. Since we all grieve in our own way we can not tell you exactly what to do but I would say seeking counseling is a good thing. Be careful though because some people have gotten counselors who really don't understand grief (I think it's hard unless you've been there). I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, but please come back here for comfort.

Marilyn, I cannot totally understand your grief because I was married to the same man for 37 years. What I think I can understand though is that once you have loved someone and especially if you have a child together there is a life long bond. He had an illness that drove you apart but that doesn't mean that your love died for him. I hope you have talked with your husband about your feelings so it doesn't cause trouble between the two of you. Hopefully his love for you will let him understand. I hope you keep coming here because there are a lot of people to draw from and even if the experience is not exactly the same it may help you see another view. I forgot to say that your son's may have there own "guilt" about not being closer to their dad and are trying to find a way to handle that too. They are grieving too so just be there to support them when they need you and I'm sure it will turn out OK for the 3 of you.

Kath, I don't know if this is true in your hospital but usually the doctor's offices are in a different area so you shouldn't be near where Bob died. Also, your surgery should be outpatient so it should not be near the same area. I do agree that taking a good friend with you might be a good idea. Just remember that you have to take care of you now and your kids need their mom at her best. Take care of yourself in whatever decision you make.

I hate it but I know this is the price we pay for loving someone and I wouldn't change that love for anything.

In one breath he was probably proudly saying, "You go girl!". In the next he was sighing, See why I didn't like your plants? Proud of you for taking it on.

Today was such a bittersweet day. First of all it was suppose to be sunny and in the low 70's and it's gloomy, rainy and in the low 60's. My daughter is graduated from the masters program and it should be such a happy time but it is making me miss Tom so much. I was a little boo hooey to begin with and then they asked all the parents to stand up and he should have been there too. Then at the party to see all the couples dancing to songs we used to dance to. I know I wouldn't have been able to dance this time anyway just coming off of knee surgery but it still didn't matter. Then they played "We are Family" and that was kind of his song because he had 9 sisters and I just totally lost it. I am just missing him so much. I know it's been almost 2 1/2 years but I don't care it still hurts like H---. I don't think I will ever get over this.

Beautiful as usual, Kath.

Aquarius I am so sorry about your mother. I am glad that you took the pictures but understand how you feel. On Christmas before Tom died in Jan. we took pictures as we always did on holidays. There was one from that day that was especially special - he was sitting in a recliner waving as if to say good-bye. We used that picture to end his video tribute. We were lucky in the fact that he had not wasted away like some do, so it could still be a comforting picture. How do you make it through? You just take one step at a time and enjoy every minute you have with them. I'm not sure if your mom is able or if she would want to but some people make a video of the loved one telling those who will be left behind special things. Tom just had each person come back and talk to him. He told the grandkids what he hoped for them in life and my one son in law (who hadn't started off well with Tom) knew that Tom had finally forgiven him. Good luck in this journey and remember to take care of yourself too.

Shelley, It's really funny that I found this post tonight because I just had some friends who lost their 19y/o daughter. The visitation was tonight and one parent wrote on facebook afterwards that she would be the strong one tomorrow and not get emotional. I had written her back telling her if she continually did this that she would never heal which is pretty much what your therapist told you.

Frank, I have not read any of your previous posts so I am not sure how your wife died but here are some suggestions of things I have done that made me feel better and maybe it will help you and your children. Sometimes if you still make the day special it helps. Whether it is buying flowers and sitting them beside a picture of June, flowers to the cemetery if she is buried in one, since you can't buy her a gift maybe select someone in a nursing home who has no one and give them a gift in memory of June (which could help you and someone else), give money to June's favorite charity in her memory. Hope these suggestions may help for the next special day. I am very sorry that you had to find this website but glad you did.

I was so glad when I got on tonight and you had posted. What a cutie that Tabitha is. I am sure she adds so much sunshine to your dismal days. I am assuming you are back to work and wonder how that is going? Weren't you moving in with your sister? Take care and give that precious little one hugs and kisses from all her hov "aunts and uncles".

Thanks everybody. I'm trying to keep really busy so I can't think about it too much. I have confidence in my Dr. so that helps too. I know several people who have had both knees replaced in the last year and they have all done well, so I'm sure that I will too, but I'm still nervous. Just wish Tom was here with me. I know he's watching over me. I appreciate all the prayers and will let you know how I am doing after surgery.