mlg

Lainey, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this twice. I can't even begin to imagine. Like you said, you got through it once and you WILL get through it again. Just give yourself time. Small children especially can help us through many a day. Do you have a pet or would you consider getting one. That is one thing that has gotten me through many a day. that unconditional love just can't be beat. I can understand in a way some of the things you are saying about your step children. Just don't expect too much from yourself. Take it slow and easy MLG

Dear Linda, The 5 year mark was my worst year. I was falling in a big dark hole and I was afraid I wasn't going to come out. I finally went for counselling and started on medication. There was no rhyme or reason for this unexpected feeling. So to answer your question, you are perfectly normal. Yo may have to go back to the beginning and take it one minute or one hour at a time to get through this but you can get there. It just slow and steady. Keep coming here because there are a lot of good people on here and Marty won't let you drown. MLG

I noticed in reading through the posts that you and I share an anniversary. Ours would have been 46 this year. It is always a hard time on me because he died Jan, 18, our anniv. is Feb 6 and my b'day is Feb 23rd. Even though it's hard it helps that I have another friend who lost her husb around the same time and we can console each other. You were talking about the master garden class. I finally last year (8 years out) made myself figure out things to do with my time. We have a community garden so I started helping with it 1-2 days/week. Do you have something like that? Made some new friends, renewed some old acquaintances and got my hands dirty. Just a thought. You mentioned that you were only 8 weeks out. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are probably at least half way in the "numb" phase. Each of us handles things our own way but don't put added pressure on yourself. I hope being able to vent on this site will help you as much as it did me. Mary Linda

We all look for those special things from our loved ones. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. Glad your daughter went with you. Just keep yourself busy with whatever and I can't say it will get better but it will get softer, if that makes any sense. Mary Linda

I haven't been on here for a long time but just happened to get on tonight and see your post. Does your hospital have a patient advocate or an ombudsman?. If not usually states have one that you could probably contact to help you get through all the jargon. Sometimes a parish nurse will help you get the answers also.

In defense of those that say "stupid" things, I'm sure they don't think they are stupid and are just trying to help. You can tell which people are sincere and which ones aren't. Just like each one of us is walking down a different road, even those who have taken the journey may find some things more comforting than myself. I guess we have to respect how they are feeling too. Just like my kids, who don't want to say something about Tom when we get together every year to celebrate his b'day. I don't even ask any more because it hurts more to have them say no than to not have them say anything. Like Kay C, I get hurt sometimes when the kids don't ask me to do something with them, but then I remember that they have their lives, their kids and their friends. They don't have to babysit their mom. I get that but it doesn't make it hurt less, it's just that I do understand. Scba, you'll probably never get totally over this, you'll just learn to adjust to it in your own way, whatever that may be. Just don't be hard on yourself, you are still just a baby in this process; I'm almost 8 years out and have some of the same feelings.

Thanks, it's just another pothole in the road of life.

It's been a while since I have been on here but feel like I need it again. My mother passed away on 3/19/15 and that was hard to accept but she had 881/2 years so it was understandable. On 5/14 I got a call at 1:55 am to tell me my brother had suddenly passed away. That's two deaths of significant people in 8 weeks. I hadn't even gotten all the papers for the things we were collecting from for my mom yet and now will have to go back to find out what to do. I'm hoping they will let us just put it to go to his estate to make it easier. As bad as my losses were a friend of mine lost her brother in law and the day of his funeral her son committed suicide. I can't even imagine what that would do to you. She seems to be doing fairly well but I know it is going to hit her like a ton of bricks before long. Please say some extra prayers for all of those who have lost someone. MLG

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. It is so hard to love some people but when you realize that maybe they don't have control over their actions and suddenly a medication makes all the difference in the world it is easier to understand. They weren't wanting to be that way, their body just made them that way. I am so glad that you had two "good" years with your mom and can remember a lot of that even though you will not forget the bad years and least this helps buffer the hurt. I don't know what your brother received from her but they are just things and maybe when he thinks about it he will share. I know it still hurts when one is "better" than the rest but I know you will move on because that is just the person that you are.

Oh, the dreadful coulda, shoulda, woulda syndrome. God has a plan and none of us can change it but boy do we all go through this syndrome after it's over. I think those of us in the medical field especially are hard on ourselves because we think we should have had a crystal ball and been able to see what was going on. 7 years ago on 8/14 Tom had a colonoscopy and a few days before that had the first physical he had had in years. Everything came out fine. Then on 9/5 we got the news that would change our lives forever that he had pancreatic cancer. Yes, he had some soreness in his right side that week but we had been painting and moving my mom to a new house and we hadn't done that for years and we were now in our 60's so didn't think too much about it. I guess what I'm saying is try not to beat yourself up and the loneliness is almost all consuming right now. Not going to lie to you because not all things necessarily get easier and each of us walks this path our own way. We are all always here for you. It is "sad" how close you can become to the people on here. KayC and I have been friends for almost 7 years now and we lost one of those friends at the beginning of the year. Maybe you have never "met" any of us but we will try to help you the best we can.

Oh Donnacus, So many of us know exactly how you feel. I couldn't look at the wedding pictures in the paper for years. I still have a hard time with people celebrating their 50th anniv. since I know I'll never get to do that. I get a knot in my stomach when I see couples hold hands (not that Tom and I always did but it's just an intimate thing and I'll never have it again). Hopefully as your school year goes on you will find other things to distract you. Maybe there is someone in that school who has gone through a similar thing and may reach out to you. I know it's different when it isn't your spouse but I know my daughter, who is a teacher, has reached out to many fellow teachers when they have had a loss and they have told me what a God send she was. Good luck in your student teaching and I hope it helps you on your road to recovery.

After I just sent you a message, I read this. Hope you stay safe. These fires are really wreaking havoc. It's too bad they can't pump the water from the places getting too much to the west. Please stay safe and don't wait until it's too late.

I am so sorry to hear this but now her not answering my emails makes sense. I always asked about her mom and grandma and never thought it would have been her that died. I knew she had the health problems but just didn't even give this a thought. My condolences to her family even if they are late.

Dear ML, I can soooo sympathize with your story. My Tom, too died of pancreatic cancer. As he said, "at least I got the quick kind". He lasted 4 mos. I still have almost all of his clothes and it has been almost 6 1/2 years. They aren't hurting anybody and I don't obsess over them. You were talking about his shirts with his name on it. Tom had worked at a local pharmacy after he retired so I took his shirts and had memory teddy bears made out of them for my girls and their children. It just made us feel like we had a piece of him. The girl even cut up the ties he wore and made little ties for them too. There is no time frame or wrong way to grieve. You said you were taking it day by day; I had to back up to minute by minute because that is all I could handle. I don't cry all the time now but I still feel like someone shot a cannon in my gut and it is hollow. Not a day goes by that I don't talk to him. One of the hardest parts of this journey for me is that you feel like you are always lying. People ask how you are but most of them really don't want to know. I have some good friends that are in the same boat and we can be honest with each other. Feel free to pm me if you need to. Mary Linda

As I'm sure many people have told you there is no timeline that is for everyone. What works for one of us may not work for another. Our worlds change forever. About 2 months after Tom died I went to a grief support group at our local hospital and it just happened several of the people were ones I had worked with at the hosp or knew from another venue. Most of them were 10 years or so older but they have become my "new" friends because they are the ones that understand and I don't have to lie or hide my feelings from. I can be more of my self. During the 5th year I felt like I was drowning and falling in a deep hole so I had to finally ask for an antidepressant. The thing I don't like about it is that it won't let me cry or show any sad emotion at all but the Dr said I should stay on it for at least 2 years. I have cut the dose in half for some of the days. Also my place of employment had a program that would let you see a psychologist so many times for free and that also helped. I hope you find some more peace in the future and I know your dog will probably help you through a lot of things, at least mine does. Sometimes he is the only one that can make me smile. Mary Linda

For some reason, my worst year has been the 5th after I lost my husband. It was even worse than the first year. I felt like I was falling in a DEEP hole. I finally was put on Sertraline but I am now cutting the pills in half because it doesn't let you have any emotion and I don't like that. It is not natural and I think you do have to grieve in your own way. I do find peace in some things and have gotten my love of cooking back. I'm even trying new recipes. I think each of us lives on a roller coaster of emotions but we all handle it differently. I know this website helped me immensely when I first lost my husband. Mary Linda

Dearest Kay, I haven't been on here for quite sometime but am saddened by your situation with your mom. I haven't read everything but can pretty well figure out the jest of things. In many ways I think Alzheimers is one of the hardest diseases to deal with. The loved one looks so normal but where did they go. I used to tell people it was like their loved one is a turtle. The outside looks fine but when they retract inside what is going on in there. About a month ago I heard another good analogy. Alzheimers is like a big city with all it's lights turned on at night and one by one those lights get turned off until just a few are still on. We never know which one is going to be "on". I hope if there is anything I can do for you that you would let me know. Mary Linda

You may want to look up a member named Chai. If I remember correctly she had kind of the same situation when her father died and she returned to college. Maybe she could help you. I went to look back at some of her posts and they have changed the format and I can't figure it out. But you could personal message her or ask Marty how to get in to look at the posts. Hope this helps, Mary Linda

Where are you living now? I'm remembering the rock garden you made in Jack's memory. It had to to hard to leave that. Hope you are moving forward. Mary Linda.

Mary, Here it is quarter after four in the morning and I am again in what I call my sleepless mode. It seems about every quarter I get one of these where I can't sleep. Today is the fourth anniversary of when we got Tom's diagnosis and even though we both said we'd fight it I think we knew deep in our hearts how it was going to end. He was the one who had long lives in his family other than his grandfather who died at 59. Me on the other had only had my grandmother who had made it past 67 and that's going out to include my aunt. My mom will be 85 on next Sun so she follows in her mother's footsteps. I had always looked like and done things like my dad's family so I was suppose to be the first to go. It was strange but when I got on her there was your post about going backward. I don't know that I'm going backward but I'm spinning my tires and standing in one place. I have done the grief support which helped and gave me some wonderful friends. I have done the counselor, although he wasn't a grief counselor because I really couldn't find any around here, but I still can only live one day at a time. I guess that's better than the minute by minute I started out with but when I see others dating and remarried I don't understand how that can be. I can't even begin to imagine having feelings for anyone but Tom and I'm certainly not looking for it but like others sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. I don't get on here as much as I used to because sometimes it sets me back rehashing everything but I still find comfort here too and know that it is ALWAYS here. Know that there are many virtual hugs coming your way. Just keep living and eventually we will all know what our purpose is here on earth.

Today I received this from someone and I know she thought she was being "nice" but it really infuriated me. I'm Glad We're Friends A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm OK" with a smile. Send this to a strong person. I just did. God is good. Change is coming. God saw your sadness and said hard times are over. If you believe in Him, send this to ten people including me. Watch what happens in thirty minutes! Be honest and send this to anyone who made you smile this year. It may surprise you how many you get back. Thanks for making me smile. Live, Laugh, Love Why is it that we have to pretend that everything is hunky-dorry when we are dieing inside? Why can't they accept our sorrow and put a loving arm around us and tell us they are there for us. I don't think there are many people who have true sympathy or maybe it's empathy since that is putting yourself in some else's shoes.

Just want you all to know that I am thinking of all of you today and most other days. We have to stick together through this journey and be there for each other. A great big cyber hug ((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))) to all of you. Remember take whatever you need in the time you need to do it, whether it be a second, minute, hour, day whatever. I love you all.

I know how hard this is on those of us who look at our pets as part of the family. My Holly died 18 mos after Tom. I held her most of the night when she was dying and was holding her when she finally slipped away. My problem was that I never stopped to think about the fact that whether it is a person or animal, mammals pretty much die in the same way. It brought back so many memories of Tom's last night but I just couldn't desert her either. So if Chelsea is home with you try to prepare yourself. I will pray for both of you. I do have to say that a month after Holly died, God played His hand for the next step in my life and out of no where brought me a little boy who has been my salvation. I really didn't want him but didn't want him to go to the pound either and am so glad that I have him.

It's been almost 3 1/2 years since I lost Tom and like so many of you I am still taking baby steps most of the time. I don't cry all the time but still do my share. One of the biggest things is I still cannot look to the future. I just take things one day at a time. Our oldest grandson will be graduating from high school in a few weeks and I know Tom wanted to be there. He kept saying he wasn't afraid to die, he just didn't want to miss the milestones in the kids and grandkid's lives that he knew he would. Besides this forum, I find my dog my greatest comfort because I can tell him anything and he won't judge me. I don't really believe in reincarnation but there are times that I'm not sure that he isn't Tom. He knows just when I need a kiss or a hug or just to be near me. As many of you have already said we just have to keep on plugging along.

Just remember what we've said from the beginning that it is one step at a time. Just like they postponed it until Aug., you just never know it may change again and you'll stay where you are or you may like the new group even better. No matter what, we all know that you will succeed. Is is a year round school or will you have the summer off?