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[Cyndi66]

 .Hi, my name is Cyndi. I lost my husband Larry to Malignant Melanoma on October 4, 2015. It was only about 3 months from time of diagnosis until he passed away. I struggle every day. I miss him desperately. I feel lost most of the time. Larry was my best friend and we did everything together. He was only 59 I am 54 we were married 32 wonderful years. I found this site and have been reading some of the posts. They have been helpful to show that I am not the only one that is feeling so lost. Although I had not heard that the second and third years can be harder than the first, that's pretty scary to me since I can't imagine this getting harder than it already is. I have been having an especially difficult time the last few days after having a dream that he just walked in the door coming home from work like nothing ever happened, like it was all a terrible dream. I just wish he would really walk back through that door.

[KarenK]

Welcome Cyndi, to our tribe. We are all together on this sinking ship, but we carry many lifelines to toss to each other.

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost Larry. I lost my husband, Ron in 2013 and my daughter Debbie in 2014, both to Cancer. It is therefore difficult for me to say that the grief is worse during the second year as mine was multiplied by the death of my daughter. Even 3+ years later, I have only adapted, not recovered from the losses.

There are so many wonderful, kind, and caring people here who truly understand your feelings. Feel free to post whenever and whatever you wish. Someone here has probably felt it, too. The first rule is " No, you are not crazy". Whatever you are feeling is normal.

If only we didn't have to wake up from those "nice" dreams.

[rdownes]

Cyndi I understand your pain and feel for you. You are farther along than me I am only four months in I lost my husband of 26 years on May 17, 2016 he was only 47 this is the hardest journey we have to face, I obviously have no idea of 2nd and 3rd years being harder I have read that to I read about being in a fog the first year and it starting to wear of in the second, I walk around feeling out of place without my Kevin it is so hard,but I hold on to his love and his memories and it gets me through everyday I know think of it as I am in love with an angel and he is walking beside me I know I will see him again. Dreams can be so hard I had one of Kevin about a month back and it made me feel worse when I woke up so I actually asked Kevin please no more dreams it hurts to much, but I am thinking maybe I will change my mind and ask for another one if he can maybe it will be different, I want you to know you are not alone and I feel for your loss Hugs to you

[Gwenivere]

Cyndi, I don't know what your 2nd year will bring.  I am at about 23 months and things did change drastically in the 2nd year as all illusion that this was a nightmare were gone.  I wish I could say it gets easier, but we each adapt differently.  What you will find here is a wonderful family that have experienced everything.  Try not to anticipate if possible.  Grief flows a natural course for each of us responding to our deep connections, memories, unique personalities and physical 'stamina'.  You will read a lot about taking care of youself and that really matters.  Eating when we don't care, sleeping when we can, deferring big decisions or stressful situations, the list is long.  I just began having disturbing dreams too.  So close to him but so far.  Whatever it's is you feel is normal.  Never forget that.  I'm sorry you are here, but I hope you find some solace.

[KATPILOT]

Welcome Cyndi.  My wife and I had more than four months from diagnosis and that wasn't enough time to get a grip on what was happening so I imagine three months is even harder. Many of us are well past two years. For me it was February 17, 2011. I can tell you from where I am on my griefs journey that it took more than two years for me to recognize I was moving in the right direction sort of speak. We all grieve differently but one thing seems pretty common to almost everyone who has had such a loss.  One day we find that we cried a little less. One day we find that we smiled a little more. One day we find ourselves alive again.

I have a customer who became a  friend having lost her husband seventeen years before my wife Kathy died. She took time to talk with me over the first two years. She told me there will be times when you will  cry as she still does but you find ways to keep going. You find ways to keep on living. She learned to paint  and she went on trips alone. She became like a mentor to me and because she still loves her husband Phil, she found a way to enjoy life as a single person. I realized that I could do this too. It just takes time, years of time. My friend and I still get together and share stories of our loved ones and stories about our travels and yes,    laugh too.

Hang in there Cyndi and all of you for it will get easier even if it doesn't look that way yet. You are right Gwen. We each adapt differently but we do adapt. In the first years it is so important to care for ourselves even when we see no reason.

I do wish I had dreams of Kathy. I could count the numbers I've had in the last six years on one hand and not all good ones either. I still would take what I could get

3 hours ago, rdownes said:

I now think of it as I am in love with an angel and he is walking beside me I know I will see him again.

I love that Robin. I think he is actually and I know you will.

[Freeds]

i just found this site this am so am learning to navigate. My husband passed away suddenly, no warning at 62 yrs, we had just celebrated 41 yrs of marriage. I am totally lost without him, he was my everything & my support since we had lost our 32 yr old son tragically just 3 1/2 yrs prior. My experience with my sons loss was that the first year I was in shock so by the time the 2nd year came the reality set in & the pain was even more severe & most of our supports had moved on with their normal lives & ours was no where near normal. The loss of my husband is different in many ways as now I feel truly alone & isolated, I have no one to tell my thoughts to that truly understands, these thoughts go unsaid & now I'm truly left to find a way to climb out of this big dark hole alone. Survival is a lot of work when you are in pain & exhausted

My heart goes out to you Cyndi & all I'm deeply sorry for your losses

[kayc]

Cyndi,

Welcome to this site.  I am sorry you lost your husband, so young...my husband was 51 when he died unexpectedly.  We'd planned to grow old together, now it's just me growing old.

Try not to worry about it getting worse, it's all in perspective.  I don't think it's that it's actually worse as that most people expect the first year to be the worst and after that they think they'll be adjusted to it...not so.  It takes way longer than we'd anticipated.  Grief is for life, but it doesn't stay in the same intensity, it's ever evolving, even as we hone our coping skills and learn to adjust to this new life.

Like Gwen mentioned, reality sets in and that is often what makes it seem harder.

[kayc]

Freeds,

Welcome to you also.  I am sorry for the loss of your son and the loss of your husband.  You are right, I think the shock in the first year kind of protects us so when that wears out...ugh!

I hope both you and Cyndi glean a lot from this site.  There's a lot to read, not only the posts here, but in the tools section and Marty's blog.

[rdownes]

Feeds, I feel and understand your painthough I have never lost a child I can only imagine that lost, I lost my husband of 26  years and I know what you mean abou survival being exhausting sometimes it takes all we have just to make it through a day but I have a hope of doing more than just surviving this world I am in now I have that hope for all of us in our own time, I know my life will never be what it was but with Kevin love in my heart I can make it the best I can, he loved me more than I could of asked for and I did not deserve it (long story) You are always welcome to share anything you need to get out on this site it is full of amazing people who truly understand the pain and loss though it is not the same as your husband or son we will always be here to lend and ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. Know that your husband and son are with you in your heart so you are never truly alone hugs to you

[Patty65]

I'm glad you found us, Cyndi and Freeds.  Cyndi, my husband died of malignant melanoma too, less than two months from when we found out, and he was gone.  He had a melanoma removed years before, but clean PET scans all along the way.  He was 56.  

I found this site 4 months ago, and it has really, really helped me.  It is one tenacious group of survivors here.  I hope you find comfort here.

Patty