I miss you, I love you

[WolfsKat]

43 minutes ago, Patty65 said:

And I will be in our footsteps from last year. I have to, it is the path on so many levels. And outside the last month of his life, this feels like the hardest thing. Omg it is so so scary

 

Oh Patty......I hope and pray that this feeling will ease for you!  I'm sure Ron will be with you on your trip back east, in spirit....especially since it's a tradition he loved!  Holidays, especially Christmas, are the worst, I think.....and the first ones w/out them ARE scary.....new/uncharted territory, so to speak......we knew how to celebrate WITH them, very hard to even imagine feeling any happiness in the holiday alone now. (((((you)))))

[BashAndrea]

My husband Bradwin died suddenly in my presence on the 25th September 2016.  I watched him suffocate (water on the lungs) gasping for breath and die of a heart attack foaming at the mouth and lots of water exiting from his mouth.  I still cant believe that he's gone.  I miss him.  I ache for him. I long to hear his voice, feel his touch.  I talk to him every day using his facebook page as a means of connecting with him.  He wasnt a fan of facebook but I convinced him to set up an account which he did.  I tell him everyday that I love him and I miss him. I cant handle going home everyday knowing he wont be there.  But I know God is in control even of this situation.  Still, its painful.  I pray for God to speedily unite me with him.  One moment I am fine the next minute I break down.  Counselling doesnt seem to help.  Medication is helping a little though.  I can sleep now and my emotions are a lot more under control...

[Brad]

Andrea - Welcome to our group.  I am so sorry you have a reason to be here.  Your grief is so fresh.  I don't use Facebook myself but my wife did.  For the first month after her death I went in and changed her picture every day.  Now I'll go in occasionally and clean up things.  I too wished to be united with my Deedo quickly.  That didn't happen.  I can tell you this: it does get better, I can't tell you when, but it does get better.  For me, I needed to look at how things had changed over months since the changes are so minuscule. All any of us can do is just keep breathing and trying to cope with our pain, one moment at a time.  I am the same way...one moment I'm fine, the next I'm not.

[WolfsKat]

Hello, Andrea....such a lovely name....I've a daughter named Andrea!  Welcome to our group, although I wish you had no need to be a "member"!  You describe very well the "roller coaster" of grief that so many of us can understand personally.....at times feeling like we are doing "ok", then, sometimes without warning, getting hit by intense grief that knocks us DOWN. Is your counselor specifically a grief counselor?  If the counseling you are getting does not seem at all to help, ask to be referred to another counselor.......sometimes you just need a "good fit".  It had to be very traumatic, having witnessed your husband dying in such a manner......I hope that you will look into the many very helpful links that Marty has provided on this website.....many specific to your situation.  I also understand the intensity of yearning for them.....it's a spiritual, emotional, and at times, physical ache.  I'm glad that you came here......many good people here.....we cannot make your grief "disappear", no magic potion for that.....but we can offer empathy and encouragement without judgement!  Hope to see you post again!

[kayc]

Karen,

I hope it was healing to shed tears for Ron and Debbie, I've never heard of that holiday, but it sounds like a good one.  It always helps to acknowledge the one we love and are missing.  I don't think it's meant to celebrate that you lost them, but rather that they live and acknowledge them.

[kayc]

Patty, you are in my thoughts, I know this is so hard.  I hope if you go back to see your parents this year, that it will be a time with some joy in it, not only remembering last year.  I think we are all triggered with such memories, it's tough.

 

[kayc]

On 11/1/2016 at 6:30 AM, BashAndrea said:

I tell him everyday that I love him and I miss him.

Andrea, my husband also died of a heart attack when he was barely 51, it was such a shock.  It's been eleven years for me and I tell him every day that I love him and miss him too...not as a ritual, but more like it just erupts from my heart.

You say you can't handle going home...are you staying with someone right now?  

Welcome to this site, it does help to express your feelings here and know there's a whole family here that hears you and understands.  It's a safe place to come to.

I'm sorry your grief counselor wasn't of help.  Some people have to try two or three before they find the one that is of help to them.  Journaling helps, coming here, I even did art therapy to help me process what I was going through.  When a friend lost her husband it helped us both to be able to talk with each other about it.  She's remarried and moved out of state now so I no longer have that.

[rdownes]

Andrea, welcome that is one word I truly feel no pleasure in saying because it means you are now going down this journey of pain that I do not wish on anyone.I lost my husband of 26 years in May I know how you feel and understand your pain this is a long hard road we are traveling down, the pain and loneliness can be so overwhelming at times and we all wish at some point to just be reunited with them we feel what is the point of going on with out them, for me I try to find my strength in my Kevin's unconditionally love for me, he would not want me there with him, I truly feel that he knows the value of life now and so do I, I know he is still here with me in spirit forever embedded in my soul true love never dies, we will be reunited one day, not that that takes the pain away I am coming out of the "fog" they say you are in early in grief and the pain has been overwhelming for the last couple days but I still keep digging down deep and finding my strength to keep going, everyone has their own path no one way is right or wrong we all all hoping to find our peace or sense of comfort in this knew life we did not ask for, I am glad that the medication helps alittle maybe you need to try a different counselor I am not on any medicine and have not sought counseling I made a choice to do it on my own not that that is the right choice for you, you have to figure out what works for you, I do know this site has been a godsend full of amazing people who truly understand your pain you will never be alone, hold onto your Bradwins love, I post poems on my Facebook that express my feelings but Kevin didn't have one, I use music as a coping skill it makes me feel closer to Kevin, again I am so sorry you have to be here but open my arms and heart up to you.

[BashAndrea]

Thanks for the encouragement.  I sincerely appreciate it.  Today I am grateful to God that my kids and I spent my husbands last moments with him. Because we know that there was absolutely nothing that could have been done to save him.  He was so strong, even in his moment of death he tried not to scare us.  He spoke to us so calmly. Again demonstrating his immense love for us.  I dreamt about him and we talked about his death and where he is.  He said he was with me all the time.  I asked him whey he took so long to show himself to me and he hugged me tight and told me that he loves me.  I physically felt the hug in my sleep.  That was the extent of my dream.  I am waiting anxiously for another dream.

 

[kayc]

Andrea,

I think it was 1-2 years before I dreamed about George, I don't know why it took so long when he was everything in the world to me.  I'm glad you got your dream, hold on to it.

[Marie Lee]

Speaking of dreams, I woke up from a dream with Kevin in it this morning....it was a nice way to start my day.

love to all...Marie

[rdownes]

Andrea, what an amazing dream truly beautiful I have had dreams of my Kevin but when I wake up I feel worse because he is not here and having him in my dreams but waking up without him just crushes me, I wish they brought me comfort I guess they do while I am dreaming I do believe he is with you though in spirit and in your heart, what your husband did truly radiates his love for you, they never want to make things harder on us,they were our protectors even in the end he showed his emense love for you and his children what a truly wonderful man and what a wonderful love, I am sure you all being their let him know how truly loved he was hugs

[Gwenivere]

I'm happy that seeing Kevin made you feel good.  We all are in such desperate need of that.  My dreams of Steve cause me more pain, so it's a conundrum for me.  Mostly because they are not warm, I am see him but can't get to him.  I'm finding so hard to mentally bridge this gap between the mortal world and one we cant see into or know exists.  

[Marie Lee]

Hi Gwenivere, I had a recnt dream where he was not alive...it hurt and mad me sad...I guess my subconscious is accepting the reality. All other dreams that I remember warlike normal life before he passed...

[Marie Lee]

I forgot, I did have a dream not long after the accident , where I hugged him and told him I missed him...but after that my dreams picked up as if life continued...just recently I had the painful dream that he was gone ...it did not make me happy or comfort me at all...

[Finch]

Crystal, I miss you, I love you.