Can't feel love

[MartyT]

Cookie, my dear, you asked "How do you do that?"

What does it mean to love yourself ~ and how exactly can you practice self-love?

Quite simply, it means lovingly looking after and taking good care of yourself, and seeing yourself as the unique and valuable person that you are. But it requires conscious and deliberate effort. 

These articles contain many helpful suggestions:

How Do You Actually Learn to Love Yourself? by Margaret Paul

How to Love Yourself Unconditionally, by Deepak Chopra

How to Love Yourself: Four Methods

21 Tips to Release Self-Neglect and Love Yourself in Action, by Tess Marshall

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Cookie said:

How do you do that?  I really want to, but can't just make it happen it seems....Cookie

I went to an Indian psychiatrist once.  I guess he was Indian, not Native American for sure.  That was probably 30 or more years ago.  I paid him $125 and bought his pamphlet for I think $13.  He saw me for possibly 15 minutes, of which I talked for probably 14.  His lessons to me were these words "you have to learn to love yourself."  Well, I did not go back.  I might not have "loved myself" but I sure loved my money more than this psychiatrist.  I guess we honestly all love ourselves.  For sure, we shower when we think we don't smell good, we eat when we are hungry (and in my case when I am not).  We change our underwear often.  I guess we do that for ourselves, so we must love ourselves some if we try to carry out our daily grind.  We do it for some reason.

[Margm]

Marty, I save your note in my (to read) folder.  My widow friend told me to keep busy.  Sometimes "busy" keeps me.  I don't know if that is good or bad.  I know I had to come home and put on my sneakers and knee length socks cause my legs and hurt foot are tired.  I have Bri's school yet and then have to get my son's partner from the doctor.  I will be driving after dark.  I don't like to do that.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Cookie said:

I read this and remembered my husband saying, "I want you to live and be happy."  The problem I think for me is that I actually feel pressure to live up to that and make sure I do it and I think I have been working overtime to fix this, live and be happy.  That kind of request by our loved ones can backfire even though I know John really did/does want that for me.  What I can't figure out is how to do what I need to do to get past this and be able to live and be happy....hugs to all, Cookie

Cookie, I read every post you made today and feel like we must be twins on this.  I know I need to open some kind of inpenatrabke door with the perfect key, but I can't find it.  It won't succumb to pounding or blasting.  A simple key.  Steve wanted me to be 'happy' too.  If only he knew what he was asking of me without him.  I feel that pressure too.  From myself aNd those around me that don't understand the person I was died with him.  I don't know how this Gwen is.  Never met her before.  Unfortuanately she is not a blank slate.  She carries the wounds of the loss.  All so very complicated in our heads.  In our hearts is simple.  We had them broken and dint know power to fix them if they can be.  

[Margm]

Sometimes I get angry at Billy for leaving first.  Makes no sense at all.  It is like I want him to hurt instead of me.  I get a lot of crazy notions but the best thing I can do for him and for me is not to think about him 24/7, and when I find out how to do that I will let everyone know.

And Gwenivere my dear, somewhere you tried to beat me on the word salad, but you just made me like you that much more.  Gal, you got a sense of humor.

As an addendum, I have questions about becoming a Catholic, like not believing in purgatory.  I am a lifelong Baptist, but I love the symbolism of the Catholic after retiring from a Catholic hospital too.  I am thinking, maybe that is what this is, maybe this is purgatory, so maybe I can understand being a Catholic.  

[Gwenivere]

I definitely get angry with Steve for leaving first.  I would not want him to feel this pain, but I feel he would handle this better because he had an outlet in his music for pain and he might not get caught in the dark of depression I have.  But he also had his demons for coping with hard times that might win over that.

If you do find a way to not think about our guys all the time, please share!  

Having been raised Catholic, sorry.....you have to be dead to experience purgatory.   I know I feel that way emotionally and glad I don't subscribe to that faith any longer.  I don't believe in having to atone for sins beyond forgiving ourselves and if we hurt someone.  Just my opinion.  

[Margm]

Well, sometimes I think I feel dead, but I guess this is not purgatory.  I ordered a necklace about a year before I lost Billy.  It had the mustard seed in it.  And, I figure my faith is about that size.  Somehow, (this is for me), I think if I could find it again I might have some peace.  The hospice book that was given to me by Mama's nurse said it was very  normal to be angry with God.  In fact, it said that a lot.  My dad was very stern with me and bless his heart, sometimes when he whipped me with his belt, he would get a little carried away.  I know I have said it before, it was how he was raised, and he respected his father.  He would tell me I might not love him but I was going to respect him.  Even as a child I knew the difference between fear and respect.  But, after raising two kids to middle aged, I get my share of no respect.  But, there is no fear either.  Sometimes I think about our Baptists saying to fear God, so I think of him like Daddy.  Jesus is good, so was Billy.  When I try to pray, sometimes I am talking to Billy.  I have a lot of figuring out to do.  But, somehow, I think this twig is bent.  

[kayc]

On 11/16/2016 at 7:23 AM, Cookie said:

How do you do that?  I really want to, but can't just make it happen it seems....Cookie

With practice.  Making concerted efforts to treat ourselves kindly, to be patient and understanding of ourselves, even as our mate would have, even as we treat other people that way.  Somehow it seems to come easier to treat OTHERS with kindness but we're hard on or neglectful of ourselves.  These past three years that's something I've worked on, giving myself the self care I need and remembering to prioritize myself.  With time we can learn to love ourselves and appreciate ourselves and our good qualities.  We aren't always perfect at it, but they say practice makes perfect!

[kayc]

On 11/16/2016 at 8:20 AM, MartyT said:

Cookie, my dear, you asked "How do you do that?"

What does it mean to love yourself ~ and how exactly can you practice self-love?

Quite simply, it means lovingly looking after and taking good care of yourself, and seeing yourself as the unique and valuable person that you are. But it requires conscious and deliberate effort. 

These articles contain many helpful suggestions:

How Do You Actually Learn to Love Yourself? by Margaret Paul

How to Love Yourself Unconditionally, by Deepak Chopra

How to Love Yourself: Four Methods

21 Tips to Release Self-Neglect and Love Yourself in Action, by Tess Marshall

I love the article about Four Methods...very good, complete with illustrations!  Even the Q&A afterwards were very good.

[Gwenivere]

In my counseling I am told I have to now do things for myself for fulfillment.  The words roll off the tongue so easily and I even know they are true.  The hitch is figuring it that out.  Forget the big things like jobs, getting a problem fixed and the like.  I'm trying to figure out how to make the foundation of living day to day matter again.  Cleaning the house, cooking a meal, even wanting to play with the dogs.   My volunteering is hard now.  They still are happy to see me and all that.  The irony is they have more of a social life than I do!  Be it bingo, doing jigsaw puzzles, whatever....they have connection with others.  'What's for dinner?  Are you going to the music program?  See you in the morning.' I leave and come home to emptiness.  Even coming here intensifies that loneliness.  I value all of you, but I would rather be hanging with Steve and our family than writing about pain.  I know we all would.  Often reading others pain does not help.  Knowing others suffer too does not make me feel less alone.  It makes me ache that so many bear this weight.  They say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence as a way to make us appreciate our side.  This time it was greener because my life was there fulfilled.  This side isn't the best side.  Another platitude struck down by reality.  

[brat#2]

Gwen, I know the feeling of everything you said and I really do wish I knew how to make things matter again, so I could help you and all of us.  I know this doesn't really help, but you are in my thoughts and heart and if I could physically be there with you, I would be, just to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.  

Joyce

 

[kayc]

This is a tough week, with Thanksgiving approaching, being alone, going into the whole holiday season.  But then I know you aren't talking specifically about the holidays, Gwen, but it's our every day life.  You're right.  I wish I was better at the whole social thing, but I'm not good at making friends.  I used to be better at it.  Maybe try to watch what they do and do likewise?  I still haven't gotten there.  I go out, I play Bingo with the others, but somehow a part of me is reticent whereas some of them seem to pick up friends right and left.  I'm a steady loyal friend, but it takes time to know me, I don't just jump in all fun and extroverted like some.  But my friendships are deeper than just a couple of yuks too.  Maybe it's the difference between fine wine and a bubbly soda.

[Margm]

On 11/19/2016 at 4:33 PM, Gwenivere said:

 They still are happy to see me and all that.  The irony is they have more of a social life than I do!  Be it bingo, doing jigsaw puzzles, whatever....they have connection with others.  'What's for dinner?  Are you going to the music program?  See you in the morning.' I leave and come home to emptiness.

I have read this over and over and I see the real Gwen in that sentence.  You have love for these residents.  You have fondness for  them.  You admire their connection to others and in that connection, you are involved.  "They still are happy to see me" and somehow, I do feel your connection.  If you were a mean person, no one would be happy to see you.  They would ignore you.  I see the real Gwen coming out, and believe me Gwen, I do not know who the real me is anymore.  I am half a person.  Even if he said I was him and he was me, sometimes I can feel him, sometimes it is an endless sky with me begging him to show me some sign, knowing he will not, he cannot, just like the children's story of the water bugs (not house water bugs), but he had promised the other bugs that if he should change he would come back and tell them about it.  He got his wings and kept hitting the top of the water.  He could not get to the ones he had promised to come back and tell.  And his feels were "oh well, they will come soon enough and see this" and he flies off, very happy.  

Sometimes I can understand children's stories better than philosophical blabbering.  No offence to the philosophical blabbering, this goes back to my child's mind.  

Like my hearing the voices above us walking the Signal Peak trail.  I heard distinct voices of women.  I asked Billy could he hear them.  We stopped and listened.  He said he heard them.  It aroused my curiosity so much I asked around and read books about the area and it was a fact that people heard the voices.  There was no one there.  No place for them to go.  We got to the top and they just were not there and there were no more trails, just wooded, rocky areas of forest.  I felt an element of supernatural.  I love supernatural.  I mentioned it to someone back home and said even Billy heard them.  Billy said "I didn't hear anything."  I miss that boy.

[MartyT]

31 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Sometimes I can understand children's stories better than philosophical blabbering.  No offence to the philosophical blabbering, this goes back to my child's mind.  

Oh Marg, I so agree with this statement! (See Using Children's Books to Help with Grief ) ~ Some of the finest books ever written about grief can be found in the children's book section of your library or book store ~ and the artists' illustrations can take your breath away ♥

[Marie Lee]

Cookie, I agree and can relate with your statement about still looking for home..since I Lost Kev, I feel the same.

Gwen, I get it when you said you love everyone here but sometimes it makes you sad that other bear this weight...to me that shows a great deal of compassion..

Kay, I loved the analogy fine wine and bubbly soda :-)

Marg and Marty...out of the mouth of babes, huh? The wisdom of children's viewpoints...

I have no idea how to navigate on this untraveled passage, but I guess I will need to figure it out along the way. Not loving doing this journey solo....

Marie