To Mitch

[rdownes]

Hello Mitch I wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts I remember you saying that Christmas Eve was your and Tammy's anniversary I hope you are as OK as possible I know it is hard I just wanted you to know you are not alone hugs

[kayc]

I've really noticed his absence as well, and he was in my thoughts on their anniversary. It's got to be tough.

[Margm]

It is possible I missed this the way it was put, but did I read that he had a blog that he was working on at one time?  I thought he might be busy with that.  I've tried it before and it is time consuming.  

[scba]

Yes Mitch, know that we are supporting you on these hard days.

[Marie Lee]

With thoughts of love and peace....to all...

[kayc]

I don't know anything about a blog but you may have a better memory than me.  I'm concerned because of the time of year...but maybe this is him handling things his way.  

[mittam99]

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier. Thank you everyone for your concern/kindness. I'm very grateful to have you all as a part of my life.

I've been feeling so overwhelmed with grief. It's been hard for me to come to the forum recently and read about others in pain so I've been avoiding it. One of my "goals" is to help others by letting them know there is (at least the possibility of) hope in their life of grief. But when I'm feeling this low, I didn't know if my words would be the right ones. I miss my Tammy more everyday. She was my life and my one and only true happiness. The only person that loved me for who I am.

Thank you all again for caring.

[rdownes]

Mitch you do not have to have the right words for anyone you have shared, helped and brought comfort to so many but it is not expected of you we all need others to lean on sometimes and we are here for you, I know that I to sometimes avoid the site or posting because sometimes it just seems like why post no one can fix this for me I realize that no matter how down and out I feel that I draw a sense of strength from this site in knowing that I am not alone in this pain I am feeling that others  understand exactly how I feel and even if there is no way to fix this  at least I can one day possible find a sense of peace I am sorry it has been so hard I know and understand how you feel just know you are appreciated and cared about whether you feel you have the rights words because there is no right or wrong in grief hugs.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, mittam99 said:

But when I'm feeling this low, I didn't know if my words would be the right ones.

I think our being here for others is helpful not only on our best days, but also on our worst...you never know, someone else might be feeling the same things and it will help them just knowing they are not alone in what they are going through.  

[mittam99]

You bring up an excellent point, Kay. In the moment, I was simply too overwhelmed and lost in my grief to see that.

[Margm]

I am feeling brave this morning, but I have not gone out  the front door yet.  There seems to be no "smooth sailing" in any of our grief battles. I could not understand my baffling forgetfulness, especially with my mom with Alzheimer's.  The words "where is" and "do you remember" became my enemies.  Maybe if I searched my mind, but I did not want to "touch" my mind.  It's broke, I will wait for the scar tissue to grow over it.  I don't want to think.  I could not read.  My grandma's words "If I cannot read, I'd rather be dead" came to my mind.  I would take a paragraph and read over it 2-3 times and then forget it, put the Kindle aside, put the book aside.  Then one day I finished a whole book.  Then I finished another.  Am I healed?  Nope, the fog returned.  I will keep trying.  I have to be able to read.  I have to be able to put words together.  Remember a name?  Nope.  But, sometimes I can give Google a hint, even a small superficial hint, and it will bring up my answer.  Poor Grandma, she did not have Google.  

My precious, cheap, beautiful, wonderful Ferris Yaris, the tiny silver metallic clown car.  I was going to do my most favorite thing, I was going to "get out on the road,"  I don't have anywhere to go.  I just "go."  I tried it twice.  Such a terror overcame me I rushed back to the apartment.  I don't like this change.  It is the worse (other than learning to live without Billy) that I have had.  When he thought I was dying he wanted to drive me around in that big black Toyota truck.  NO!!!!  Don't take my driving abilities away.  I drove that monstrosity in all kinds of traffic, I parked it (maybe not exactly between the lines), but I was never afraid.  Traded with Scott for the little small Ford Ranger.  That damn bed of the truck, it followed me everywhere.  If I backed out I was going  to hit something.  Hit a telephone pole backing out of the oil change business.  I can turn Ferris around on a dime.  I sure hope this fear will leave me.  Maybe that 18 wheeler shredding two tires on me on interstate my first trip out, maybe that frightened me.  I've made the trip other times since, not afraid.  I don't understand this fear.  I want it gone.

Mitch, it seems we go in circles, no matter how long it has been, and we are revisited by ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future often..  I sorta feel it is just the way our life is going to be, until it isn't.  A wild, crazy, circus ride.  

(Christian spoken here).  At least the good Lord made it where my belly will not accept liquor.  I am such a coward, I would stay drunk all the time.