AB3 Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 I went back to work a week after my fiance was laid to rest. I pretty much forced myself to as everyone said it helps to keep busy. So I did as they suggested "keep busy" but at work I often feel overwhelmed, it's been hard to just stay focused. My mind is constantly on my love, not a moment of peace. I was hoping what they said would help but all it does is just pass the time. I also started classes again on Monday and how ironic that I am taking a course in which centers around emotion (Psychology of Emotion) I signed up for it before he passed away. It's all just overwhelming, I really wish "keeping busy" worked for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 AB3...we all feel your pain with you., Most if not all of us have been where you are now at. But with experience comes a certain kind and amount of wisdom I suppose. Grief is a 3 step process. Allowing yourself to feel and talk about the various emotions you're experiencing. There's a carthartic effect to that...rebuilding your life around that hot burning hole in your core. You are addressing these two components. The third component is time. If you burn yourself badly it isn't going to heal as quickly as you want it to. Your core has been burned terribly bad because the center of your universe was taken from you. Please try to be more patient with what you are going thru, so that your soul can heal. You are in a dark tunnel now. One day you will look and see the faint glimmer of light at the other end. Then little by little that light will get bigger and brighter as you gradually get closer to the end of your tunnel. Time heals all wounds. One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 Thank you Olemisfit you are right "one foot in front of the other" I've always struggled to do that. I usually rush right through things and push myself. But this time I can't do that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 AB3, I went back to work two weeks after George died, even going in five days after he died to do payroll. Focus is VERY hard! My brain felt scrambled. Since being perfect was a requirement for the job, I asked my boss to doublecheck my work for a while as I didn't feel I could trust my brain. He was very nice and obliged. I had to learn to be patient and understanding of myself. This grief isn't unlike brain trauma! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 Very true Kayc. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 AB3 I know how you feel I went back to work the day after Kevin's viewing it was so hard all I could see was Kevin's face everywhere, here his voice everywhere, I would cry everytime someone brought him up, it is hard and will be for awhile your life has just been turned upside down and inside out take everything slow grief is not an easy journey I still see my Kevin's face in my mind all the time but now it doesn't bring me the saddness it did it makes me remember his/our love but it took me alot of tears and hard days/nights to get there you will find your way in your own time know you are never alone my heart goes out to you because I remember how hard it was in the beginning of this world no one asked for not that it is easier for me now I have just gotten used to him not being in my physical presence anymore but he lives in my soul hugs. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 It's a heck of a step forward Robin when you can feel Kevin in your soul and realize his loss from your physical presence. I know it doesn't make things a whole lot better but it can help show you your way into the future. By the way I went back to work seven hours after Kathy died. I did it because I was in a state of shock and disbelief living in a surreal world. I was in the peak of the busy season at my store and when you own your own business, the demands can so easily pull you in. I recognized the financial situation I was in with having been gone so long tending to Kathy and that's why I collapsed weeks later. I could deny it but grief runs faster than I ever could. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 4 hours ago, KATPILOT said: I went back to work seven hours after Kathy died. I've never heard of anyone going in so soon! I was inundated with phone calls, planning the funeral, contact with the cremation place, social security, etc. I really didn't have time alone during those first two weeks except once and then I spent 17 hours straight making a giant collage of pictures to put up at his service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 Believe me Kay it wasn't just because I needed to work. I went because I didn't know who I was. I lost focus as if I was a man walking out of the burning wreckage of a plane crash, still alive, apparently uninjured, but unable to grasp what had just occurred. My car seemed to drive itself. I had been awake since just after midnight when the hospice nurse woke me to tell me Kathy was gone. I had only been asleep for less than an hour. They told me I had to leave so I went to the mortuary sat in the parking lot to make sure she got there safely. Can you freaking believe I said that? My sister had once told me that when my mom and grandfather had died everyone did laundry. Perhaps it was to give themselves something to do, something to take their minds off of the horrible event. I drove home, turned on all the lights and did laundry till dawn. Then I went to my store walking distance from the funeral home waiting for them to open and made the arrangements, then went back to my shop because I just didn't know what else to do. Now as I am recounting that day which seems so vivid in my memory I will have to say it was and still remains the worst day of my life. One I wish I could forget and I often wonder why I remember it so clearly when at the time I was so disconnected from myself. Sorry to ramble on but my safety valve blows out every couple of years. I'll be okay in a minute. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 8 minutes ago, KATPILOT said: Sorry to ramble on but my safety valve blows out every couple of years. I'll be okay in a minute. No need to apologize, I understand, my safety valve blows out every couple of weeks!! Hugs Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 2 hours ago, KATPILOT said: Sorry to ramble on but my safety valve blows out every couple of years. I'll be okay in a minute. 2 hours ago, brat#2 said: No need to apologize, I understand, my safety valve blows out every couple of weeks!! Hugs Joyce I seem to be very lacking in patience in most everything in my life. Knowing that I'm not totally unusual sure helps. I think this is the anger that I haven't felt finally blowing... It does not feel good. I'm feeling like a sinking ship on this ocean of grief. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 20 hours ago, KATPILOT said: My sister had once told me that when my mom and grandfather had died everyone did laundry. Perhaps it was to give themselves something to do, something to take their minds off of the horrible event. George died on a Sunday evening (Father's Day 2005). I slept one hour that night, my daughter beside me. I woke up and no way could I lie there, so I got up and started cleaning house. It helped to have something to do. A couple hours later my XH called and berated me for "ruining his Father's Day" (because my daughter spent it with me after my husband died rather than with him). I couldn't believe the selfishness of that man! I told him if his wife died I'd show up with a casserole and a sympathy card! I told him he'd still have his Father's Day on Tuesday night. Good gosh! Still, I don't think I could have done anything that required much brain power. Doing something mundane and rote was fine, but my brain was scrambled. My pastor went on vacation the morning after George died, leaving me to figure out funeral arrangements by myself. Fortunately, our church secretary came to my home and helped me with it, she made calls to musicians, our former minister (to officiate), etc. She was a godsend. We look back at these times and wonder how we survived it! People say the second year is the worst, I think nothing could be worse than that moment of finding out they died...and the upcoming weeks/months. I think people expect the second year to be better so the letdown of it makes it seem worse. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 Kay that's why we call them X's . You have a point about the first moment we lost our spouses. Nothing can be more devastating than that but we sometimes feel grief so long and so strongly that by the second year we are beat down by grief. We cried ourselves into exhaustion so we think it's just as bad. For all we have been through in that first year, maybe it is for our frail hearts and souls. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 Let's face it...It is all bad...really bad. The moment they died, the first year of "firsts, and all the following days and nights. So many people think I am doing fine, but they do not see me at home alone. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 Gin you are spot on. Everyone assumes we are fine or will be "fine" but they have no idea how truly alone we feel..... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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