Night fear

[mittam99]

Well, that title was attention getting but it's not really fear as much as it is a dislike. An uncomfortable feeling. Recently, night time has become the worst time for me. It doesn't help that it's winter and it's cold and often bleak. During the day, especially on a bright sunny one, the world seems like an "OK" place. As OK as life gets without the love of my life by my side.

Maybe some of it is that I've been depressed recently. After all, this is the time that Tammy started to get weaker and was rushed to the hospital in 2015. Christmas and our Christmas Eve wedding anniversary recently passed by. And frankly, I'm spending an awful lot of time thinking about my future. A future alone and without my one and only true love.

Somehow, I can function during the day and go to work. Do errands and chores. But the sun goes down and an eerie, sort of ominous feeling of "what now?" comes over me. I think about Tammy and how much I miss her and I wonder what will become of me. The silence in the house and the darkness seem to take away my sense of hope and everything becomes gloom and doom.

I spend most of my time in our bedroom. Looking around, signs of Tammy are  everywhere. And for me, that's a comfort. Her nightstand is pretty much as it was and her clothes still hang in the closet. Her toothbrush and her toiletries still reside where they always have. What's painfully and obviously missing is Tammy. I can only see that enchanting smile in my mind's eye. I can't experience those incredible kisses or those embraces where you never want to let go. I miss my perfect partner with every breath I take.

Nights are hard for me. Very hard. I often lay in bed wondering how I can go on. But, a new day dawns and somehow I wake up with hope in my heart.

Mitch

[AB3]

Mitch, I'm so sorry that you have to experience this, I can relate as I often feel this way too but usually during the daytime. At night I am more calm, but the loneliness is something we all will never exactly get use to. Have you tried drinking tea (sleepytime tea) or taking a sleep aid before bed? These usually calm me some and alow me a peace of mind....for awhile anyways. I hope that these could help.

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch, I was thinking about that today at work. I had a night terror the other night just as I was going to sleep.  It's hard to go asleep when you are afraid you will die in your sleep.For me it is an irrational fear that crops up from time to time. I think if I die, who will know? How long would it take for someone to even find me? My house is still in a mess?  Crazy thoughts!

Today, I find myself agitated and more emotional than usual. I don't know why.  It is a cycle in my life.  I feel very lonely and isolated. I miss the daily companionship and communication with my wife.  It is just a part of this grief.  This grief journey is not easy.  A few days ago I was in better spirits.  So I hope that will return soon.  

Today was the first day I worked since the heavy snowstorm/ blizzard from last Saturday.  My mental concentration is off as well. I got distracted and left some equipment on the trunk of my car and got interrupted and just drove away... That equipment is gone.  Grief is never too far away it seems.  Hang in there Mitch or at least hold on for a better tomorrow.  - Shalom, George. 

[scba]

I understand Mitch. What you describe happens to me too. My way of "coping" is what George mentioned, the "hope" that these moments shall pass. Until then, "when you think you had too much of this life", hold on.

[kayc]

Mitch,

I've been depressed because of the never ending snow, shoveling it, being stranded by it (and two broke down vehicles), and just the harsh dismal traits of winter, you are dealing with so much more...reminders of Tammy's sickest time, Christmas holidays without her, and your anniversary as well.  All that adds up to hard hitting.  It's important to remind ourselves that this time of year will pass...I do think winter affects us even without the date reminders.

[brat#2]

Mitch

Sorry you are having such a hard time right now, especially at night.  You will get through this, you are strong and with so many special days all wrapped up together that would bring any of us to our knees.  I also agree, I don't think "winter" is helping any, it gets dark so much sooner and makes the evenings and nights so long.  Keep waking up every day with that hope in your heart and it will get easier.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[rdownes]

Mitch I am truly sorry for the hard days you have been having. That hope that you have when you wake up is sometimes all we have now unfortunately sometimes it is our only reason to keep going I truly believe with all my heart that we can all find our way in this new life we never asked for we just need to hold onto their love and for me I believe that the rest will fall into place in its own time  I hope you have some less hard days soon and never lose that hope hugs