My Newest Tidal Wave

[Guest]

I haven't done much posting or anything the past few days. I've been wallowing around in my own muck and mire and just have been too consumed by it and in it. Sometimes i feel like i'm on the beach. On a good day i'm only ankle deep in the surf and there aren't any waves or anything. Just smooth water. Then there's the bad days. I'm knee deep in it, just standing there helpless waiting for each next wave to slam into me.Lately they haven't been small waves. They have been tidal wave size. I grew up being told that it's always better to be seen and not heard. Keep things to yourself. Nobody wants to hear your problems. They all have their own crap to deal with. Then i happen along this group, where everyone is actually encouraged to spill their beans. Maybe there's a catharsis involved with getting this stuff off our chests. I'm not anywhere near smart enough to know if there's any truth to that or not. I guess that's Marty's department. Plus I also don't want to be guilty of acting like i think my problems are any more important than anyone else's here.

Sometimes this loneliness---complete, total, all consuming 26 hour a day type---just really does a number on me. I feel like i have reall backslid. I was doing pretty good for the last several months of last year. Until the holidays anyhow. But since about mid december i've reverted into being almost a basket case again. Does it do any good to just talk about it like this? Beats me! But i'm giving it a try. I'm willing to try anything once (except when it comes to dope anyway. I draw the line there). No matter which way i turn in this apartment i see all those triggers that i kept. My wife's hummel figurines, her lighthouse figurines she loved so much, the pictures of her that i hung, her urn in the middle of the little shrine area that i put together, etc. etc. etc. I had gotten to where i've been okay with those triggers. But for the past few days they have really been doing a number on me emotionally. One thing i have never been able to get used to is her side of the bed being empty. For several months last year i slept on the couch just so i wouldn't have to look at the bed being half empty, but i developed a terrible back ache from the couch so i made myself start using the bed again. And even now, almost 13 months into this journey, i still only average 3-4 hours of sleep a nite. Sometimes i just get sick and tired of this exercise in futility. And i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I have no choice but to grit my teeth and endure this. There is somebody a whole lot bigger than me and a heck of alot more powerful than i am that is driving this train now. I'm just a passenger tied to my seat, so i have no choice but to endure this ride somehow. But it truly SUCKS!!!

Sorry about this infernal whining ya'll.

One foot in front of the other---but i'm tripping over my own feet...

Darrel

[Guest]

Geez, After sending the above post i glanced at my calendar and noticed that today is friday. No wonder i've been in a funk today especially. My wife passed on friday, new year's day, 2016. I can't believe that i let a friday sneak up on me so unnoticed today. This is the first time that has happened

[iPraiseHim]

Darrel,

It is not whining. I was taught the same thing.  The problem is the only way to work on grief is to face it, express, and FEEL it.  I particularly don't like the feeling part.  But, as Marty T, several more seasoned veterans here suggested to me, that I need to discover what works for my grief walk. I journal-ed here for the last two years so that it would help get out of my head all of the crazy thoughts, feelings, etc... and to help others here read and understand that they are not alone in all of this.  Everyone's grief story is different and yet there are many commonalities.

For some reason I thought that if I could just make it through the first year then  I would be able to cope with this grief better.  Then I found out for some people the second year hits harder than the first.  Believe me it did me. 

The reality and finality of my wife's death didn't began to sink in until this second year.  I knew it logically and mentally but the heart, for me, it takes longer to accept.  That's where this group is so invaluable.  I take what I like and leave the rest. What works for some doesn't for others.  Here I feel connected to others who truly understand this plight of grief.  

There continues to be bad days.  Sometimes all I can do is read other posts. Sometimes these bad days FEEL like they are as bad as the initial "SHOCK and AWE" days.  However, they do lesson and become less intense over time.  For me, it is a roller-coaster of grief that we all need to ride to move forward.  If we jump off, we will get more bumped up and bruised.

So Darrel, just keep coming back and sharing, even when you don't feel like it because we never know how our sharing could help someone else and it does help us... I just can't explain how it does. 

The secret in life is that when we get knocked down... it is okay to stay down for a little while, but the best part is getting up and trying again to move forward... one step at a time.

"Keep on keeping on, brother"  - Shalom,  George    

[Widowedbysuicide]

I feel for you Darrel.  

I don't have many answers compared to the number of questions I have but I keep trying one moment at a time.  It's been just over a year for me and I am not finding life any easier.  I have accepted that my husband is never coming back and that my new life isn't what I want.  

George, you speak the truth.  You and several other of my grief family here sure have helped me on my journey and I thank and respect you all.

[Guest]

Thanks for your kindness George. I thought about what you were saying as it read it, and i think maybe a big part of my problem these past few days centers around my 2nd year that i'm just beginning. I had been hoping that when i hit that milestone things would begin to ease up and maybe even get better. But that's not the case so far.I got past my denial phase fairly quickly. That isn't my problem now. Maybe i'm just beginning to realize just how permanent this being alone is going to be. Whatever it is, i feel completely overwhelmed with a big dose of melancholy. I just feel overwhelmingly sad and depressed. It isn't macho to say this, but a good heavy crying jag would probably help me. But for some reason, i don't cry. It isn't because i fight it off. I wish I could rite about now. But when my wife's death was so brand new i didn't hardly cry even then. A few baby tears was the best i could come up with. What can i say. I'm like Popeye I suppose. I yam what i yam!

Darrel

[AB3]

49 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

There is somebody a whole lot bigger than me and a heck of alot more powerful than i am that is driving this train now. I'm just a passenger tied to my seat, so i have no choice but to endure this ride somehow. But it truly SUCKS!!!

Darrel, you said a month full! This truly does SUCK! and remember you are never whining so no apologies needed. This journey is horrible and so unwanted...but you have still been able to put one foot in front of the other and that takes alot of courage.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, AB3 said:

Darrel, you said a month full! This truly does SUCK! and remember you are never whining so no apologies needed. This journey is horrible and so unwanted...but you have still been able to put one foot in front of the other and that takes alot of courage.

In the middle of all your grief and problems and you can say something to me that kind and sweet. Thanks very much AB.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[MartyT]

Darrel, my dear, you are SO not alone in your reactions! Many people have written about dealing with grief in the second year, and I've listed links to many such articles at the base of this one:

Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

[kayc]

14 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I also don't want to be guilty of acting like i think my problems are any more important than anyone else's here.

To each person their grief IS the greatest grief, and they are right!

George, you're right about the second year too, as Marty has posted (see link).  Grief is forever but it evolves, and way on down the road (past third year maybe) it begins to lessen in intensity.  We get used to it, we do a whole lot of adjusting, but we continue to miss them.

[Autumn2]

Darrel . You are not the only one who doesn't cry much for my hubby. It seems stuck and I feel the stress and ache and if things get really bad I shake. I need a good cry and I do cry for other things...sad movies, saluting the flag...etc. crazy. I loved my husband of almost 52 years...I think but then why cant I cry! He was my best friend. We were a team, you know how it goes. I have found if I can find something else to cry about it helps release this inner stress I feel. I found a really good movie on amazon that really helped release the tears and my body felt so much better.. it was something Chase, the story sbout bringing pfc Chase home sfter his military death.  I think my lack of being able to cry started at the hospital as My hubby lay dying. I just felt I had to keep it together, then the kids came and I cried little. Now it will be 8 weeks tomorrow and I wonder why can I get teary eyed over a movie and not his dealth. I physically hurt from holding this in. I have even googled people who didn't cry over a significant loss and feel guilty even though they cried for days over the loss of a pet. My hubby was my all and i am hoping someday i can have a really, really, really good cry. I feel like if i loved him I should and yet idont cry much more than a sniffle or two. Thanks for the post so i dont feel quite so unhuman.

[Brad]

Autumn, 

Among the things I've learned about grief is that it is complex and each of us grieve in our own unique way.  For you it had only been eight weeks and chances are you are still in significant shock.  I found that my emotions a constantly churning just under the surface.  One thing I found that helped me (keep in mind it helped me but not others here) is I would start my days with reading the letters my wife left behind, looking at pictures of happier times, watching videos; all things that would bring on the waterworks.  I found, for myself, that having that morning ritual would make the remainder of the day a little bit easier, that's not to say that was the only time during the day that I would break down but I did feel it helped.  At night time, just before bed I would write in my gratitude journal things that I was grateful for.  So I would start my day with sadness and heartache and end the day focusing on gratitude.  The gratitude journal was, at times, difficult but it did help me understand that I did/do have positives in my daily existence.  This helped me.  Again grief is hard work.  You will find what works for you but don't worry if it takes time.  Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to grieve in your own way at your own pace.

[kayc]

Autumn,

We all handle our grief differently.  Don't worry about whether you cry or you don't, the important thing is you don't try to suppress it if you need to cry.  It'll come, trust me.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Autumn2 said:

Darrel . You are not the only one who doesn't cry much for my hubby. It seems stuck and I feel the stress and ache and if things get really bad I shake. I need a good cry and I do cry for other things...sad movies, saluting the flag...etc. crazy. I loved my husband of almost 52 years...I think but then why cant I cry! He was my best friend. We were a team, you know how it goes. I have found if I can find something else to cry about it helps release this inner stress I feel. I found a really good movie on amazon that really helped release the tears and my body felt so much better.. it was something Chase, the story sbout bringing pfc Chase home sfter his military death.  I think my lack of being able to cry started at the hospital as My hubby lay dying. I just felt I had to keep it together, then the kids came and I cried little. Now it will be 8 weeks tomorrow and I wonder why can I get teary eyed over a movie and not his dealth. I physically hurt from holding this in. I have even googled people who didn't cry over a significant loss and feel guilty even though they cried for days over the loss of a pet. My hubby was my all and i am hoping someday i can have a really, really, really good cry. I feel like if i loved him I should and yet idont cry much more than a sniffle or two. Thanks for the post so i dont feel quite so unhuman.

I've seen the movie you're talking about. The title is "Taking Chance". Kevin Bacon portrayed the officer that escorted the body home. Is this the same movie you're thinking about? i have also watched it and got choked up. I also was really moved by that movie. But then, i'm a vietnam era vet, patriotic as hell, etc. I hang a flag every morning and take it down every evening, and salute it every time i do. So those kinds of movies always get my attention.

[MartyT]

You'll find lots of useful information on this matter of crying here: Finding Crying Time in Grief  ♥