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Today .....

Today ...🎶

That Kenny Chesney song runs through my mind ... 

i see your smile .. I see your face...

Still can’t believe you’re gone...

Today, June 12, 2018... Marks two years.

i am still numb.

My back and legs hurt to match my heart.

I still keep going - not quite as actively as I should maybe - dunno- don’t really care .. especially Today.

My mind will never be at complete peace about this. I still can not understand why I survived and he didn’t . To focus on the positive is all I can do to make any peace in my mind over it.

Another grandchild is on the way - due November...I wish these babies knew their funny grandpa.. I will try hard to make sure they know him.

Mason seems to have his silly bone lol!

Today... my world was turned upside down two years ago.. not sure it will ever be right side up.

Hugs to all.. I am sorry we are all part of this club.. but I am so glad you’re here and I am not alone ( even more) in my grief journey.

Sending love and remembering - everything...

just everything...

Hugs. Marie 

 

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Marie,

Those anv of death are hard, mine is later this week.  In two days is George's birthday.  I hope you make it through this day okay, thinking of you and holding you up in prayer.

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Marie I hate clear blue sky days.  Today we have fluffy clouds.  No, my magical, imaginative, mystical world has not gone.  It did stay hidden for a long time and I wonder if one of these days Jesus is gonna get tired of me switching my prayer to him, transferring it to Billy and just finishing my talking to him, even if I say "amen" at the end.  I figure they both know my upside down brain and forgive me.  Now, I do suffer from arithmophobia and hate trying to figure how long he has been gone because any noise I hear in any other room is him, until I remember he is not here.  I don't like to remember he is not here.  Reminds me that he is up in Heaven with those three old girlfriends and then I get angry again.  Hey, I don't have to make sense of anything.  

 

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Marg,

Al and I were both married before.  And widowed.  He always told me that I was his soulmate and he never loved anyone as much  as he loved me.  However, what if his first wife wants him as much as I do? How is God going to decide?  Crazy?  Absolutely, but that's what I am thinking.  

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Well Gin, all I can think of is Solomon from the Bible who offered to divide the baby in two parts because neither mother would give the baby up.  When he offered to do that, one mother said no, let the other mother have the baby.  So, he gave the baby to the mother who did not want the baby killed.  Now, I have no idea how we are going to deal with an ex-wife or three old girlfriends.  I think it is supposed to be perfect and I seem to remember something about "we will know as we are known" and you know me, I could have just pulled that out of the air since I did not google it.  All I gotta say is "he is mine" and that is how  it has to be.  Lord you  better help us cause we can sure screw things up down here.  

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Steve was married twice and me once before.  We never looked back on those relationships with any significance to ours.  Those people moved on too with new partners.  We were married just short of 33 years.  We faced bigger problems the other relationships didn’t and made it.  We weren’t carrying torches for any of them.  If there is something after this life, i don’t envision emotions like jealousy or ownership.  We made our choice and it was us til he died.  So many theories about after lives.  I don’t know if I will see him again or it’s lights out.  We won’t know til it happens and then maybe not.  But for what we shared here, it was us til his end.   I can’t tell you to not think about it, Gin.  I don’t even believe in God and if I did, I can’t envision a deity making choices for us.  Free will and all that.   You have Al's word on how he felt and he chose you as his soulmate and ultimate love in his heart.  I hope you can find some peace in that and not be consumed by doubts because of a former partner.  Strictly my opinion.

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11 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

We won’t know til it happens and then maybe not.

Your right Gwen, we don't know, but I know enough to know I was determined to follow Billy and I had no qualms about it, did not think of anything but being with him dead or alive, I didn't care.  I did not think of my kids and relatives, was so selfish I figured they could grieve all at once.  I don't know what is behind the door but I didn't open it because of my faith and unsure if I was doing like I should.  Something stopped me and it was not fear of dying.  At age 18 and 20, I cannot say that we were faithful to each other.  It is like the 10 commandments, well, I have not killed anyone yet.  Not a perfect marriage, but the final years were perfect and we were able to talk through all the imperfection (and no Daddy, it was not all me).  You see, my dad thought Billy was so perfect that when there was any problem he always said to me "what did you do now?"  I wasn't an Angel, But I want to believe Billy is now.  And, that is how I will believe.  Not trying to change anyone else, just what I believe, and have to believe.

 

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Well if you're going by the Bible it says there is no marriage in heaven but I guess we're still male and female, but like you said, Marg, it's perfect there and honestly I don't think we'll have to worry about it, and you're right, we'll know each other.  I know George would pick no other but I don't think it's like here, we don't own each other, but he and I will always be close because that's just how he is.  I don't think there's jealousy either because then it wouldn't be perfect.

Anyway, I think you two are worrying about something needlessly, Marg, you know Billy loves you, and Gin, you know Al does, it's going to be okay!

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My cousin was married about 38 years to this man.  She had met him after her husband left her and the three grown kids they have.  I am not that fond of him, but his new (not new now) wife is still a friend of mine also.  When my cousin married this man, it had been a few years after he lost his first wife to cancer.  He was the grandpa to all her grandchildren and great grandchildren and a  wonderful husband.  He is missed by all who knew him.  A good man is hard to find and he was a good man.  Of course her ex kept calling her all those days after she was married.  She thought it was funny, but they did have three children in common.

Kay, I know it is supposed to be perfect and no jealousy, but as of this morning, I ain't there yet, and sometimes a little anger might help hide the hurt of a nit-witted woman with a preposterous brain.  

I am going to be nit-witted again, so bear with me.  I know I wrote this as an addendum to one of my notes and it was the main reason I was writing this note.  I don't really have to  explain, you all know my word salads show up anywhere.

This man my cousin was married to, she was married to him longer than he was to his first wife, but they had a double headstone and my cousin buried him next to his first wife, as she deemed appropriate for they had had children together.  I hope she finds a nook close to him when she goes.

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Oh gosh, Marg, none of us are there on this side of the veil!  It'll take God working miracles to make us and everything in heaven perfect.  I have implicit faith in Him or I'd be worried!  :D

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We were just talking about that Sunday, how God is not only a redeemer of our souls, but a redeemer of our messes!  I don't know anyone who has lived in His primary will, I was explaining to a friend that it's kind of like on an Excel sheet, how they number them and affix A-Z to the columns, but when you get farther out there they label the columns AB, AC, AD, etc.  Well I think I must be close to ZZ on His will because every time I mess it up, He has to come up with another plan for me, but ultimately He's working out what He wants me to learn and build character in me, so I guess in that sense it's part of His original plan, but how He has to accomplish it keeps evolving.  ;)

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