boyfriend left me and moved away after his friend died

[ebony]

I had been with this man for almost 2 years. 3 months ago his close friend, who had been in his life for much longer than I was, died from overdosing on heroin laced with fentanyl. My now ex, who had a cocaine problem but had been sober for 4 months, relapsed and started using again. He doesn't want to end up like his friend and die from contaminated drugs though, so he broke up with me and moved to Asia to start a new life away from drugs. He didn't want me to come with him, and currently has me blocked on social media. I did not want to deal with him either, as leading up to him leaving he had been asking me for money to fund his addiction. But I would have expected him to stay sober and continued being in a relationship with me had he not experienced this tragic loss. He was very loving in the year and a half leading up to it and we spent almost every day together until then. It sure was not a walk in the park when he was using, but when he was sober he was a great person to be with. I am now grieving after 2 people, my ex-boyfriend and his friend, who also had a big presence in my life by visiting the apartment I shared with my ex every week and going out to meals together.

[nettieboop]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you....but it kind of seems as though, even though you've dedicated 2 years of your life to this person, you've dodged a bullet....I'm sure he's a great person when sober, but he's an addict, that's the bottom line. I'm so sorry. The fact that you have no contact will enable you to heal, spend some time with your friends and family, etc. RUN. Run as fast as you can. When drugs come into the picture...it is trouble. (((hugs)))

[MartyT]

I too am so sorry for your loss, ebony. It may ease your pain a bit to know that, for your ex, this death produces a certain kind of grief that differs significantly from other kinds ~ and he has a lot of grief work to do. I hope that while he is away, he avails himself of some qualified, professional grief support.

I just now reviewed an informative article that you may find helpful, as you struggle to better understand your ex's behavior and come to terms with this breakup. As this author says, "The need for specialized bereavement support for those grieving an overdose death is paramount, because this type of loss is different than any other type of loss. It carries with it complicated emotions and unresolved feelings that are often unaddressed in typical grief support settings. This type of loss is, truly, grief on another level." 

See Grief Support After An Overdose Death ❤️

[Rae1991]

2 hours ago, nettieboop said:

I'm so sorry this has happened to you....but it kind of seems as though, even though you've dedicated 2 years of your life to this person, you've dodged a bullet....I'm sure he's a great person when sober, but he's an addict, that's the bottom line. I'm so sorry. The fact that you have no contact will enable you to heal, spend some time with your friends and family, etc. RUN. Run as fast as you can. When drugs come into the picture...it is trouble. (((hugs)))

Hi Ebony, I am sorry you find yourself in this position, but its great you have come here seeking advice.

While this is an extremely hard place to be,  I understand how his addiction has affected you and that you are now grieving. As Nettie said, you dodged a bullet. I will keep it simple and concise. No good comes from enabling, or being in a relationship with an addict that does not want to get clean or commit to staying sober. I understand that his friends death was alarming for him and a trigger to use, but that isn't fair to you. 5 People I went to high school with died of an overdose, and I have lost a friend to suicide, so I can understand how traumatic events can be triggers.

You need to focus on getting your life and Independence back on track from this. No contact will enable you to heal. Spend some time with friends, family and please talk to a counselor regarding your struggles. It is quite different from a standard break-up when addiction/abuse are involved.

My mother was married to an abusive alcoholic for 10 years, her second marriage. They divorced when I was 22. My mother was the daughter of an alcoholic who (like her own mother) thought she could force her husband to become and stay sober. This is never the case. Addiction is a monster and even my mother said, and I can attest to what you have said, "When they are sober, they are amazing, wonderful and loving people. But their addictions control them and they will end up controlling you too." My grandmother divorced her second husband, who was also an alcoholic for these reasons, though he was sober from 1983 until his death in 2010 from kidney failure and cancer. My grandmothers first husband died of alcohol poisoning after years of abuse. My mother divorced hers too, after 3 stints in rehab, a decade of abuse, massive financial loss and 2 drunken car accidents.

Please seek counseling, and remember that you have indeed dodged a bullet, please, DO NOT willingly jump back in front of it by trying to gain contact or by dating other addicts in the future.

--Rae

[kayc]

Ebony,

I am sorry for all you are going through.  It's really hard when what someone else is going through affects us so much, something we have no control over.  I can't help but agree that you may have dodged a bullet, you may not feel like that right now as you are missing him, but oh gosh how hard it would be to be in a permanent relationship with someone with drug addiction.  On marriagebuilders.com they say you can't do anything with a marriage unless/until the drug or alcohol problems are first taken care of, and I totally believe it.  My own father was an alcoholic, so was my MIL, and now my daughter's husband.  Not fun.  The person not using is very different from the same person who is using.

I do hope you'll get counseling to help you deal with your grief and also to help you on a healthy path for your own positive choices going forward.  It might help to read through some of the threads here, even though they were breakups due to grief, without addiction, you can still seem some patterns emerge due to the grief factor.

[cbgrace1980]

Ebony, what a hard, hard thing to go through.  So much grief and loss for you.  I am so sorry.  I am glad he is seeking to be healthy and I do wish it was with you.  There are probably deep issues in his heart and maybe he's distancing himself to spare you more pain and grief.  Have you thought about seeing a counselor? I've had a great experience with seeing a counselor to help me understand things that make no sense.  Do take care of yourself, things will get better!

[saraheasy]

Hi, Ebony! It seems to sound strange now, but I think that God saved you by removing your ex from your life. This tragic situation showed how REALLY things were going with his addiction and it seems it is much stronger than you expected and hoped it to be. I truly sympathize with these losses, it is really cruel. But, please pay all your attention to yourself now, not to your ex or relationships. You need to heal your soul now by taking care of yourself,  of your inner child. Express all the negative emotions you might have suppressed and think of the ways how to experience positive feelings now. I wish you to find peace and happiness within yourself which will help to create a healthy and harmonious relationship. Moreover, I would suggest you to learn more about addiction on Addiction Resource to understand how it works, how to avoid it and treat. Wish you all the best, dear.