4 Weeks after Mum passed and not coping

[mandy57]

My Mum passed away 30 September 2019

She was Diagnosed with Vaginal Cancer in February (this year 2019)  but after 6 weeks of treatment. radiation, chemo and brachytherapy, we were told the tumors had gone. The pain in her stomach still persisted and we were told it's a radiated colon and will eventually heal. The pain became progressively worse and she was admitted into hospital again on the 23rd September, and after a scan she was diagnosed "severe diverticulitis".  She went into hospital on the 27th for the doctor to drain a pouch that was infected and she would get immediate relief. We were all so, so positive that there was eventually an end to the pain in sight and assured once again that it wasn't cancer, she had had a scan that showed it to be diverticulitis.  The doctor put her under anesthetic and went in to drain the pouch, only to find a huge cancer tumor. She came back from theatre with me thinking it was all over, only to be told she had less than 24 hours left 💔 She passed on the Monday morning. Apparently the tumor was hiding amongst or behind all the swelling from the radiation.

My Mum and I were extremely close, I'm a only child (56, grown up and married with kids and a Grandson) We had never lived more that 5 min walking distance from each other and spent every morning together for the last 12 years, since she retired. Never been apart for more than 3 weeks in my life, and never gone more than a week without talking to each other. 

I don't know if her story has anything to do with the way I am feeling now, a month later but I'm really battling to come to terms with it.  I'm not cross or angry with the doctors as i know they did their very best and certainly didn't want that outcome. I don't have any regrets, as we were best friends and were always there for each other, I was there with her when she passed and it was peaceful as she was on a high dose of morphine. 
I cry every day and have a constant "replay loop" going on in the back of my mind of things we did together, going back from last month to years ago. It's vivid and constant no matter what I'm doing, whether it's having supper with my family, watching TV or anything at all it doesn't stop going. I'm not sleeping and don't have any appetite. I find it hard to leave my house, as everywhere I go I think of her and when we were there together (we went everywhere together, she didn't drive and I liked her company) and cry so bad people look at me as if I'm crazy. When I do eventually go to sleep I wake up thinking, " This is it for the rest of my life, I will never see or hear my Mum again"  and find I can't breathe and want to jump out of bed and run (goodness knows where to but the urge to run is so strong) 

Is it "normal" to still be feeling this four weeks later ? Are there any coping techniques I could use? I'm very fortunate in that I have a loving and very supportive husband and can talk to him about anything. He wakes up with me and comforts me but it's taking a toll on him as well as he has a business to run.

We have booked to go away in December, taking my youngest daughters friend with us for company for her, I don't want to be a sniveling wreck and spoil it for everyone but I just don't know what to do !
PLEASE HELP 

[MartyT]

Your mother ~ the one person in the world who's been with you for better than half a century, the person with whom you've spent every morning for more than a decade, the one you've never been apart from from for more than three weeks in your entire life ~ died less than one month ago, and you're wondering if it's "normal" to be missing her so much? My dear, not only is it "normal" and completely understandable, but I would be concerned about you if you weren't feeling this way at this point! You've barely taken the first steps into this journey and you're probably still in a state of shock. This is not like turning a switch that will take you from before to after. The world as you've known it all your life has been turned upside down, and it's totally understandable that you've lost your bearings. It's as if you've been dropped into a foreign country without a map, where you don't even speak the language, and expecting yourself to be just fine. That is just not realistic.

This loss must be incorporated into an entirely different life for you. Is it any wonder that you feel so disoriented and so lost? In time I promise that you will find your way through the fog, but first you must sit where you are and acknowledge the enormity of this loss. Give yourself permission to feel every aspect of this death, and allow yourself to mourn.

You ask if there are any coping techniqes you can use, and as you come to know us here, you will discover many of them. We call them "tools for healing" and you'll find many of them here: Tools for Healing and here: Tools for Healing ~ but first I would encourage you to do some reading about what is "normal" in grief, so you'll feel less alone and less "crazy," and so you'll have a better idea of what to expect as you continue on your own grief journey. You might begin with these: 

Grief: Understanding The Process  

Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief  

Mother Loss: A List of Suggested Resources

[kayc]

Oh yes, it's "normal" to still feel that way over the loss of anyone close to you.  I lost my dog 10 1/2 weeks ago and am still crying and missing him terribly, so you can imagine it's not out of realm to miss your mom so much in just 4 weeks.

I am so sorry for your loss...I lost my own mom in Aug. 2014.  

[Steve79]

I lost my mum 5 months ago. I’m really not coping. It was quite sudden, but I feel a mix of guilt and grief. My head is all over the place. 

[kayc]

Steve,

I'm sorry for your loss.  Guilt is common in grief.  Can you say what it is you feel guilty about?

[Peggy Sue]

Hi Mandy. My mother died in 1997 at the age of 57. I was 42 at the time (she was very young when she had me). We were extremely close. It took me 3 years (yes 3 YEARS) to begin to function at anything close to the level I was functioning at before she died. So 4 weeks is, in my mind, much less than the blink of an eye. Especially with so little warning. That was the case when my mother died - she went in to have heart surgery for a heart problem that she had been born with - and died less than 48 hours after she went into the operating room. Now I am dealing with the death of my sister, age 62, from brain cancer, on 6/29. With Ginger, I had a little more time to prepare & I think that helps some but I also know that grief is a long-term process. I still cry pretty much every night (on top of losing Ginger I lost a precious dog about 3 months later - Peggy Sue, yes, I am using her name - on 9/25/19). My mother (and my sister) were my heroes. They were my soul. So please be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve. Trying to rush grief along is not a good thing because a) it doesn't work and b) it adds the burden of "what's wrong with me, why am I still grieving" to an already agonizing process. It's just hard. I'm so sorry. 

[marjorie]

I  lost  my  mum  in  23.6.19  .  she  was  neglected  in  a  nursing  home  and  the  social   services   have  stated  this  in  the  conclusion. I   am  a  nurse  and  was  with  mum  for  the  3months  that  she  was  thereby  what  has  occurred   but  I  did  not  realize  that  she  would  have   died  the  way  she  did . she  was  treated   worse  than  a  dog  

these  are  the  memories  that  I  have  for  mum

I  cannot  talk  about  the case  in  full  as  yet .  I  should  have  protected  her  but  I  failed  to  ,  she  should  not  have  gone there .  she  did  not  want  to  be there  but  I  ignored  and  she  sufferrd  because  of  it . I   was  denied  saying  bye  to  her  on  the  day  she  died.

I  am trying  to  cope . I  have  posttraumatic  stress  because  of  it ,  no  longer  want  to  work , no  longer  want  to   nurse .  I   feel  so  betrayed  

I   have  a  husband  and  two  children  but  I  feel  alone . I  am  trying  to  fight  the  cause  to  get  justice  but  I  believe  what  is  the  point  . people  think  I  am  ok  but  I  have  to pretend  I  am  when  I  am  not.

if  she  had  died  with  dignity  and  no  pain  and  it  was  natural  death  I  would  have  accepted it  . however  because  of  the  nature  and  what  I  saw  it  is  very  difficult  to  go  pass  this . I  am exercising   attending  the  counselling but  this  is  all  a  cover  up  for  me   as  I  am in  pain  every  day  and  have  vivid  memories  of  the  torture  she  endured  .  how  do  I  get  past  this  point  .  living  for  me  like  this  is  taking  its  toll  .  the pain  is  too  great  sometimes  . I  do  not know  how  much  longer  I  can  bear  this  feelings

I  have  been  insulted by  everyone   the  police  ,coroners,  social   services  Cqc ,  CCG  I  have  evidence  but  they  choose  to   ignore  this    

[feralfae]

Dear Marjorie,

I think you might have what is sometimes called complicated grief. I think if you look around this site, you will find more information on it.  Can you find a good confidential grief counselor, someone who will understand the client-counselor covenant of confidentiality, if you have a legal action pending? 

You really need someone to talk with about this. You might want to try a trauma counselor.  You might try both for a couple session to see if the two of you "click" .  I hope you can talk with your husband and let him know that you welcome his support, but that you might also want to get some counseling. This pain and grief are still fresh and new to you. I went through a hard time when my dad died, and I only recently lost my mother. She had a long life, living 93 years. Until fairly recently, she was enjoying her days, although she had some mental issues. 

Please see about a counselor, and also look around Marty's site for information on complicated grief. And I want to send you all good wishes and assurance that you will feel better, but grief healing just takes time. I hope you can get away and go fishing.   have always found fishing to be a calm and meditative process.  And Merry Christmas to you if we don't talk again before Christmas. *<twinkles>*

Edited December 13, 2019 by feralfae
better wording.

[kayc]

I agree that a good grief counselor is essential here...and if you don't fish, walking also relieves stress.  I like to go out in nature, it helps me restore, even just screaming can get some of it out.  I've probably scared off a bear more than a time or two.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/04/what-is-complicated-grief.html
Note: there are articles listed at the bottom of above article as well.
 

On 4/7/2019 at 9:00 PM, MartyT said:

Mitch, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that there are good people in our field who DO care and are working hard to find ways to better understand and support the bereaved, especially when there are those who are still suffering and looking for relief. There is a lot of room for research here, and I am grateful for those who choose to study the mysteries and complexities and variations in grief, discovering as they try various therapeutic approaches what helps and what does not. As a result, we've learned so much more about grief than we knew just ten or twenty years ago ~ and these studies have helped enormously to inform the practice of those who work in the fields of grief counseling and grief therapy. Katherine Shear, MD, with the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University School of Social Work, for example, has done important work in this regard, including having developed specific, short-term treatment modalities that have been proven truly effective in helping grieving people. We don't need to equate complicated grief with a form of "mental illness" in order to study, find and use effective ways to help people who are miserable and looking for help. Labels don't mean much to those of us who work in this field, and as you've undoubtedly known me to say so many times in my own writings, grief is as individual as a person's finger print. In that sense, everyone's grief is complicated, by dozens of different and individual factors, so no one label and no one set of rules applies.

In the natural course of grief, over time (in many cases, over years) most of us find ways to carry our pain and adapt to life without the physical presence of our loved one who has died. How long that takes is like asking how high is up. It takes as long as it takes, and for some it can take a lifetime ~ but it does change, and we change right along with it. We never really "get over" it. We just find ways to live with it. But as Dr. Shear points out, "Complicated Grief is a form of grief that takes hold of a person's mind and won't let go." She goes on to say that:

It is natural to experience intense grief after someone close dies, but complicated grief is different. Troubling thoughts, dysfunctional behaviors or problems regulating emotions get a foothold and stall adaptation. Complicated grief is the condition that occurs when this happens. People with complicated grief don't know what’s wrong. They assume that their lives have been irreparably damaged by their loss and cannot imagine how they can ever feel better. Grief dominates their thoughts and feelings with no respite in sight. Relationships with family and friends flounder. Life can seem purposeless, like nothing seems to matter without their loved one. Others begin to feel frustrated, helpless and discouraged. Even professionals may be uncertain about how to help.  People often think this is depression but complicated grief and depression are not the same thing.

Grief

Grief is a person’s response to loss, entailing emotions, thoughts and behaviors as well as physiological changes. Grief is permanent after we lose someone close though it’s manifestations are variable both within and between people. Still, there are some commonalities that can help you recognize complicated grief.

Acute grief occurs in the initial period after a loss. It almost always includes strong feelings of yearning, longing and sadness along with anxiety, bitterness, anger, remorse, guilt and/or shame. Thoughts are mostly focused on the person who died and it can be difficult to concentrate on anything else. Acute grief dominates a person’s life.

Integrated grief is the result of adaptation to the loss. When a person adapts to a loss grief is not over. Instead, thoughts, feelings and behaviors related to their loss are integrated in ways that allow them to remember and honor the person who died. Grief finds a place in their life.

Complicated grief occurs when something interferes with adaptation. When this happens acute grief can persist for very long periods of time. A person with complicated grief feels intense emotional pain. They can’t stop feeling like their loved one might somehow reappear and they don’t see a pathway forward.  A future without their loved one seems forever dismal and unappealing.

Complications get in the way of adapting to the loss

There are three key processes entailed in adapting to a loss: 1) accepting the reality, including the finality and consequences of the loss, 2) reconfiguring the internalized relationship with the deceased person to incorporate this reality, and 3) envisioning ways to move forward with a sense of purpose and meaning and possibilities for happiness.  Most people move forward naturally in this way and grief finds a place in their lives as they do. Sometimes there are thoughts, feelings or behaviors that interfere with adaptation. Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) helps people identify and resolve these interfering issues.

Troubling thoughts: After a loved one dies, almost everyone has some unsettling thoughts about how things could have been different. People with complicated grief get caught up in these kinds of thoughts.

Avoidance of reminders: People with complicated grief often think the only way they can manage pain is to stop the emotions from being triggered. To do this they try to avoid reminders of the loss.

Difficulty managing painful emotions: Emotions are almost always strong and uncontrollable during acute grief and managing them is different than at other times in our lives. Most people find a way to balance the pain with respite by doing other things, being with other people or distracting themselves. People with complicated grief are often unable to do this.  [Source: CG Overview]

If this description of complications fits what you (or anyone reading this) is thinking, feeling and doing, you might consider finding a therapist whose practice is informed by the work of Katherine Shear. Her website lists therapists with training and experience in treating complicated grief. See Find a Therapist