Crying Doesn't Solve Anything!

[Tori]

"Crying doesn't solve anything" pretty much describes my usual reaction to any crisis that has occured in my 70 years on this earth. Of course I would shed tears, but never any fits of hysterical weeping! That just isn't me!!! Instead, my way has always been to dig in, concentrate my efforts on doing everything I could to get myself and my loved ones past the crisis and not waste time on uncontrollable hysterical tears or feeling sorry for myself.

After the illness and death of our daughter 13 years ago and even though he'd just had open heart surgery, my husband and I were able to remain strong and devote ourselves to helping our teenage granddaughters adjust to the loss of their mother and the changes in their lives. I even went to counseling a few times and after the third vist, the counselor agreed that I was doing just fine and didn't need to go back. Hubby and I and the rest of the family could still manage to talk freely about our daughter, how much we loved her and missed her while the tears would slide down our cheeks. In spite of the devastating pain of loosing her we could still function. I also kept a journal the first year after her death which helped me tremendously. Writing has always been my natural tranquilizer.

May first my beloved husband of 54 years passed away at home. He was under the care of hospice and even though I was heartbroken in those last weeks I still managed to function and see to his needs along with the help of our daughters and son-in-law. After his death I managed to be strong for the girls and grandchildren, and take care of all the necessary things that had to be done. I was even able to have lunch with longtime friends. However last week the last i was dotted and the last t was crossed and suddenly I find I can't cope anymore.

Since then I've discovered I can't bear to be around any of my wonderful family and have gone into virtual seclusion. I find myself crying continuously, so much so that it hurts physically as well as mentally. I can't even bear to talk to them on the phone for fear that all they'll hear from me is sobbing.

The only time I seem to be able to control my emotions is if I am alone and out in public such as grocery shopping, getting a haircut, or stopping somewhere for a bite to eat while sitting alone with a book for company.

I've tried to begin a journal and before I can even open the word program, I'm sobbing so hard I can't even begin. Hospice has called me once to let me know that grief counseling is available, but I wouldn't even be able to compose myself long enough to talk to a counselor.

Yesterday I finally got up the courage to see if Hospice of the Valley might offer a discussion board in which I could express my feelings without the embarrasment of subjecting others to my uncontrollable sobbing, and sure enough I found this one!

This is the first time I've been able to write or speak a word about the devestating agony of my loss. Of course I've just about emptied the kleenex box while doing so. I really don't know why I'm posting here or what I expect it to accomplish, but it's a start!

[shell]

Tori,

Yes, it's a start, and a very good one. You remind me of my mom in that she has always been the strong one who helped everyone else, and since my father died she has more or less fallen apart. I am now the one who is helping her, of which I am so very glad I am able to do. She tells me that she hates that I have to do so much for her and I tell her that she took care of me for so many years, that I am just glad I can "pay" her back, so to speak, and take care of her.

I've seen so many people who, like you, never fell apart and sobbed, but who, once they finally do, are like a dam that's broken. They can't stop and it all comes out....all the years of pain that they held in. And you know what? It's the most healing thing you can do. So cry your heart out.

Maybe by posting here, you can get enough of your emotions out that it will help you to gain some of the "control" you want and then you can move onto a counselor. I have to say, though, that I think going to a counselor and sobbing is nothing to be ashamed of, pretty much what they expect! I, too, have a certain level of pride, or whatever you want to call it, that makes me not want to break down in front of others, but after all the grief I have been through in the past year and three months, I learned to let my feelings show more. I still don't cry, if possible, in front of strangers, but I'm not so worried about what others think. I also grieved for past losses, which hit me harder than when they happened (because I stuffed the grief down then). I think this may be what's happening to you. It's normal.

The feeling of wanting to be alone is also normal. I feel more in control when I'm alone. The stress of keeping up a strong front for others can be exhausting! When I'm alone, I can let my guard down, so to speak.

I hope this has helped a little. Really, the people on this site helped me a lot and really do care. Keep posting and let your feelings out. I'm afraid it's the only way through this grief process.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[KathyD]

Tori,

I agree with everything Shell wrote but also had to add that I'm the same way when it comes with dealing with family vs. going out to the store, etc. For about a month or two after my Dad's death in March this year I forced myself to talk to my brother and Mom but eventually found it was too much because after hanging up the phone I'd either feel angry that they didn't seem to be feeling as horrible as I did or stressed that I had to put on a fake front. Now I can't bear to talk to or see them and finally expressed my feelings to my Mom in an e-mail. That helped. But I still feel guilty - my brother is flying in from Wisconsin this coming Thursday and staying through Father's Day (I don't even want to think about that day) to help Mom move some of Dad's stuff. I haven't seen him since Christmas and feel as though I should go to the house and help/visit but I just can't because I know I'd break down. They're able to act "normal" and I've given up trying to be that way. So I guess I'm saying that you're not alone in isolating yourself from family, no matter how wonderful they are. We each have our own ways of getting through our pain and being alone isn't a bad thing if it's what we have to do.

Kathy

[Penny1]

Kathy, It is progress for you to realize that going to you mom's house with cause you grief.... My suggestion for you is to go and be part of it, it will be painful and hurt but it should help with closure....

You have to realize that your brother & Mom don't miss him any less. They grieve in the only way they know how.... We are all different some of us more emotional some of us stonger...

Please don't give up you chance to go through your dad's belongings, cry if you have to....it is natural and it expresses the deep love you had with you dad.

You don't need to put on a front.... just be who you are and express what you are feeling to you family....

Please don't make a decision you will regret....

[KathyD]

Hi Penny,

Thanks for the advice, I do understand where you're coming from. My trouble is that I've been around my family (before Dad died - I suffer from depression) and broken down and none knew what to do. I know everyone copes differently but my brother has told me I "should be able to do" this or that by now and I just can't. He's got a wife and baby in a separate state so his situation isn't the same.

I guess if they were sorting through Dad's things I would make an effort but my brother is mainly helping my Mom toss out stuff that is too heavy or doesn't work anymore (i.e. the TV in Mom and Dad's bedroom, an old exercise bike). They're not going to go through his personal belongings, that will be months down the road, and I'm definitely going to be there when that happens. I know I'd regret it if I weren't, just as you said.

Kathy

[Bebekat]

Tori,

I am so glad you found this site. I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel. Don't ever feel embarrassed to have loved someone so much it hurts, and it does hurt so much. You have to allow yourself to go through these feelings. For me, group counseling just didn't help. I found much more comfort on this site. I am free to put my feelings out without fear of judgement or embarrassment. This is such a good place. Please come often, to write or just read. I have found so many here that have the same feelings while others share their lists of books on grief. I still cry, just not as much.

You loved your husband and always will. No one can ever take that away. I guess I'm trying to say that it will get better, just in baby steps. And you will still love and miss him. I don't think the pain will ever go away, it just becomes bearable.

Take care of yourself.

[dpodesta]

Tori,

I lost my wife suddenly to a heart attack 10 weeks ago, she was only 45, so it was very unexpected. I wish I could cry the way you are now. I know I will feel better afterwards, but I just can't bear it. Family will understand this, I am sure they have been crying also. I can't imagen the pain after all those years, you were married for longer than me or my wife, but I do know that we both havev to go through the same process to get better. I think you are a few steps ahead of me on that one, you are able to let it out and letting it out is what will get you through this. I hope that soon I will be able to cry as you have been.

You will be in my prayers

Derek

[cyndy]

Tori,

I, too, am on this site because I feel ashamed of my emotions. I am relatively young, but I have buried friends and loved ones, and was strong enough for everyone else to lean on. Two friends of mine with cancer came to me for strength and just to talk before they died, then their families cried on my shoulder. When my daughter was on life support after an illness, I held my husband and other children while they cried. I raised children on my own in poverty after my first husband left me to be with my best friend, and through it all I never needed anyone else. I cried, but in control. I mourned, but I was always the strong one.

Now a love that I haven't even talked to in 8 years died, and I have completely fallen apart. I can't imagine why this hurts so bad, when I was able to deal with all of the other losses in my life. I feel so lost and alone, while I have a wonderful family and a loving husband who all understand that I am having a hard time, but I can't get my strength back! I cry so much now, when others used to cry to me.

I also feel like I can't cry with anyone else. My life and his have not been connected for 8 years, so I feel that I don't have the right to mourn. Others knew him better, so I shouldn't suffer.

WRONG!!!

For some reason, I can't bounce back from this loss like I always have before. Please keep coming here. These are wonderful people who have never told me that I'm out of line for my feelings, so they will definately understand yours. Also try counseling. Spending the first few hours in tears is nothing to be ashamed of. The ones we love are worth our tears. Sometimes I wonder if something was wrong with me for a very long time, as I was able to go through death and loss with strength and few tears. Maybe what we are going through now is normal, and before was a little off!

[Tori]

Thanks to each and everyone of you for your kind responses. Each response has helped in some small way.

Today seemed a little better than yesterday, I haven't cried quite as often or as hard as I have been. I even managed to visit with my daughter and son-in-law for a little when they unexpectedly dropped by. Guess they knew better than to call first so I wouldn't have time to invent an excuse.

Best of all I finally managed to start my journal! Well it isn't much of a journal yet since all I did was copy and paste what I'd written here including the Unusual Encounter tale I'd posted as another topic. At least it's a start too.

Part of my problem is that I'm just beginning to realize how many little things my husband did for me all these years. By the way his name is Dutch! In fact it's just dawned on me that he actually spoiled me rotten! Each time I have to do something that he normally took care of it's a real jolt. Some are simple everyday things and others are things I never even thought about.

Since Dutch went to the mall and walked early every morning and had coffee with his friends he didn't drink coffee at home anymore. Yet every morning when I got up all I had to do was plug in the coffee pot. He even came home early a few times because he'd forgotten to make the coffee before he left. When I told him that he didn't have to come home early, that I was perfectly capable of making my own coffee he laughed and said he knew that, but it was something he liked to do for me.

There are so many similar things that come up every day. I've never pumped my own gas, taken out the trash or recycle bin, had to go to the post office, never bothered to check the mail, water, the lawn or trees etc. Each time I have to do one of those things it reminds me that he's gone. One of our 50 year old trees is in terrible shape because it never crossed my mind to water it since he became too ill to do it. When the man that does our yard told me I was in danger of losing the tree that Dutch had carefully nurtured all these years, that set me off again of course!

The yard man is a whole other tale in itself. Quite a few years ago Dutch met and befriended a homeless man who is homeless by choice. When my husband could no longer do the yard, the homeless man offered to do it for him since he often does lawn work for several other elderly people. He's been doing it for several years now and does a great job and will only take minimal pay though Dutch has given him shoes, socks, clothes, jackets, blankets etc when he needed them. He would also buy him coffee and tobacco the few rare times he ran out of money. Before Dutch became too ill to go out they made an agreement that he would continue to take care of the yard for me. Dutch made sure the lawnmower was in top working condition and even bought a new weed eater so I wouldn't have to worry about the old one breaking down.

Well I kind of got off track on this one but even writing this down has helped to remind me why I'm having such a hard time. Even his last worries weren't about himself, but to insure that I would have all the help I needed to manage when he was no longer here. He forgot to leave a magic potion to take away the heartache though!

[shell]

Oh Tori,

What a wonderful husband you had. I am so glad you got "off track", I really enjoyed hearing about him. When my dad died, I had to do all the things he normally did, too. Sadly, you don't realize how much someone does until they are gone. I didn't. And I know how you feel about all the little things, things I had to learn to do, and of course remind me of dad every time I do them.

I think it's wondeful that you started your journal. And that you managed a visit with your daughter and son-in-law. As Bebekat said, "baby steps". We've all crawled our way through this grief process using them!

Keep up the "good work",

Shell

[dpodesta]

Tori, when reading your last post it reminded me of all the things I used to do for Karen, I tried to make sure she had nothing to worry about and I spoiled her rotten. We were only marriede for 11 years when she passed away, and even though we are up to are eyeballs in dept, I know that she knew how much I loved her because I showed her by my actions everyday. I now find myself with a lot of time on my hands because I only have myself and a 7 year old son to take care of and he doesn't need as much. But that is fine, I know I gave her a life she deserved as your husband did for you. Hang in there, you are doing great.

God Bless you

Derek

[Penny1]

Tori

Congrats, on finding the strength to start your journal...

Your husband was obviously a very special man, thank you so much for sharing with us a part of who he was...

Just hearing your story has given hope to a lot us that progress will come,and that days will get easier...

You will find the support here on this site to help you through the emotional ride we are all on....

I started to write down my life experiences which were so difficult to do in the beginning but now I can look back and realize I have come a long way since the loss of my mom...

You will find on this site caring hearts, shoulders to cry on, people who will not judge you when you slip and fall back into the emptiness we have all experienced...

Keep writing in that journal, it will help you in the long run.... you may find some days it is too painful but there is always another day when you will feel strong enough to write some more....

All my best to you... keep posting

You are in our prayers

[Tori]

Here I am back again. If anyone had asked me three days ago if I would be writing something like this I'd probably have laughed in their face. But then again I wouldn't have been talking to anyone 3 days ago!

Tonight my middle granddaughter came into town and spent the evening with me. I hadn't seen her since Dutch passed away and we'd only talked once briefly on the phone. (my fault not hers) To be perfectly honest I was dreading the evening since I didn't have a clue whether I would still be a basket case or not.

As it turned out we went out together for a lovely dinner and spent most of the evening talking about Dutch. It started out with her reminiscing through her tears about what a powerful, positive influence her grandpa has been in her life.

Then the discussion turned to other young people whose lives he'd touched with the boundless love and wisdom he was always willing to share. Through my tears I told her about the recent long distance conversations I'd had with her uncle, the former husband of our deceased daughter. He'd reminded me of the hours he and his friends had spent with Dutch during their grammer school years learning about many things such as hunting and fishing and true sportsmanship, to family values and even how to properly maintain a home and yard. Though somewhat of a perfectionist himself, he always had time to show them how to properly mix the paint, hold the brush, tape the baseboards, keep the paint off the floors and clean up their mess. Often after one of these

sessions he'd go back over the missed spots and clean up the drips. But he only did this after the boys had gone home and he'd assured them they'd done a terrific job. Many of those boys now grown with grandchildren of their own still refer to him as "Dad" or "Pop". I actually found myself laughing through my tears as I told her about some of those boys and the things he'd encountered with them. Terry who walked so fast through the woods in wonder and awe the first time out that he scared all the game away. He'd learned his lesson well though and Dutch often bragged that Terry always knew exactly where he was no matter how rough and thick the terrain or how bad the weather. Tom who never had a dad, somewhat the clown of the bunch, yet turned out to be a fine young man. Norman, the more sober one and always full of questions. There were many others each of them special in their own way.

We continued on, remembering the 9 and 10 year old girls whose lives he'd touched as he coached his softball team. All because he wasn't the type of father who just wanted to go and watch his daughters play ball--he wanted to take an active role in their activities!

In spite of the tears we shared it was a wonderful evening, loaded with precious memories. Unforgettable memories for my journal!!!

Thanks again to everyone for all the wonderful support. I enjoy reading the things that each and every one of you has to say--even in the saddest moments.

These boards are a real blessing!!!!!!

[shell]

Tori,

Oh, I'm so happy you had that wonderful evening with your granddaughter. You have done such good "work" on your grief and I think, from just what I've read that you've written, that you are a remarkable woman. I'll bet Dutch is very proud of you, for I'm sure he's "watching". Please keep us all posted on how things are going!

Hugs and a big pat on the back,

Shell

[lil kid]

I, TOO HAVE THE SAME 'THING'...I CAN CLEAN HOUSE, MAKE DINNER, GO TO WORK, TAKE MY BOY TO SCHOOL, TALK TO FRIENDS, GO TO THE STORE, TEND TO MY HUSBAND....AND ON AND ON...BUT IN MY ALONE HOURS, I AM A WRECK. 2 1/2 YRS FOR ME NOW & I'M WONDERING WHEN THIS WILL ALL END! I DID HAVE A SUCESSFUL NIGHT AT WORK TONIGHT, THOUGH. LAST YEAR I ATTEMPTED TO WORK ON FATHER'S DAY & MADE IT ALL OF 3 HOURS BEFORE SOMEONE HAD TO DRIVE ME HOME BECAUSE I WAS SO HYSTERICAL. ...HOW EMBARASSING. BUT TONIGHT (WITH MY SUPERVISORS LOOKING CLOSELY AFTER ME) I WAS ABLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH MY ENTIRE SHIFT...BUT WHEN I WALKED OUT TO MY CAR (MY DAD'S CAR, I SHOULD SAY) I BROKE DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT. ON THE ONE HAND, I KNEW HE WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME FOR "MOVING ON"..I WAS TRULY MY DAD'S DAUGHTER TONIGHT. ON THE OTHER HAND, I FELT SO GUILTY THAT I DIDN'T STAY HOME LISTENING TO HIS RECORDS & SOBBING ALL DAY FOR HIM. IT'S SO HARD TO SAY WHAT IS 'RIGHT' IN THIS SITUATION...WHAT IS 'NORMAL' & 'EXPECTED'. I AM JUST LEARNING TO LET IT OUT WHENEVER IT COMES OUT & DAMN TO EVERYONE ELSE... MA'AM...IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF CARETAKING & LOVING WITH YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS......WHEN WILL YOU GIVE YOURSELF SOME SLACK & TAKE CARE OF & LOVE YOURSELF? THOSE WHO KNOW & LOVE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND & SUPPORT YOU, YA KNOW? YOU NEED TO GIVE THEM SOME CREDIT, AFTER ALL. I WOULD BET THAT SOMEONE (PROBALBLY MORE THAN JUST ONE) WOULD BE THERE FOR YOU NOW....LET GO JUST A LITTLE BIT & LET THAT LOVE & CARETAKING SURROUND YOU FOR ONCE IM HUGGING YOU RIGHT NOW!

[STARKISS]

Hi Tori,

I agree with what Shell said, I am glad that you had such a wonderful time with your grand daughter and yes please keep us informed of what is happening. Take care and God Bless You, And I will keep you in my prayers Shelley