I miss my girl, Gracie...

[Gracie4ever]

My precious girl Gracie was 20 years old, or perhaps 21. When my friend gave her to me, she said she was "about 2 years old" so it was always a guess. She had different health issues throughout her life, allergies, arthritis, occasional vomiting. In the last few years, she went deaf, had digestive issues and kidney issues and diabetes for a short time, but that was improved with change of diet and insulin. She had other issues, too. She had what the Vet called, "competing health issues". Medication for one condition would interfere with medication for another, so we did the best we could.

After a while she stopped liking the low grain food, so I kept trying different foods. She would only eat a few bites and lay by the bowl, so I thought she didn't like the food. Now in hindsight, I think she was in pain and couldn't stand very long. I feel guilty for not realizing that was a sign she was weak, but they do say hindsight is always 20/20. Still, I feel guilty for not realizing it. Her appetite was waning, but she still acted interested whenever I put something new in the bowl. For months I knew the time would come. I contacted a Vet that does in-home euthanasia, back in February, and even once before that, then told her never mind, Gracie is still ok. She would rally back. In the past few months she started sleeping in the same position or with her head in the corner of the couch. But other times she slept normally and with her head buried under, showing she was happy, and she would purr when I pet her. I still saw indications she was happy. I wasn't worried.

Here and there I'd see a possible clue but then it would go away, so I wasn't sure what to think. I wished so much she could assure me that she still felt well. Last Monday, she had weakness in her legs and she would sleep in hunched positions. She would hover over her bowls but not really eat or drink. I ended up serving her food and water while she was in loaf position with her front paws out. Her stool had changed to tiny pieces and she seemed to age within a day. I saw her wobble on her back legs and I realized she was suffering. Two days in a row of suffering, I ended up using a Vet visit that was meant for lab tests, to have her put to rest.

I kind of wished the Vet had warned me ahead of time about "euthanasia guilt"...because it came hard and heavy and is still here. The fact that I feel guilt makes me feel there must be a real reason for it. But trying to tell myself that is wrong, is very hard to accept. Did I do it too soon? She seemed to be walking better the next morning and even lay in a more normal position. I called the Vet, who said that we had hit the wall with meds and she had been on a downward decline for some time. I had wanted to have this done at home, but that would've required waiting longer, to make an appointment, and she already had this appointment with the Vet. And in the end I decided I preferred her Vet that I knew and trusted, to do it. She went peacefully, as peacefully as possible. I pet her until her head layed down. One of my friends drove us there and drove me home, and another friend came into the room with me and gave me the physical consoling that I so desperately needed. She looked tired, she needed to rest.

Afterwards, the Vet told me she has told people before, not it's not time. My friend also said that since she knew I'd had second thoughts, that if my girl had any fight in her, she would've spoke up for me and said "are you sure"...but Gracie was ready. I think she wanted to rest. The guilt feelings are illogical, but as illogical as they are, I still feel them. I know they are, because how can I think "I let her go too soon" and "I let her go too late" at the same time?? And think that both can be right?? Also, another example, I felt like her passing came as a shock because days before, I hadn't seen it coming. That saddened me. Yet at the same time, I was relieved that her passing came soon after I saw her in pain, because I would not want to prolong her suffering for any reason. And she looked so good at least to outward appearances, until suddenly, she seemed to age and I knew she was unwell.

I really hope that soon I can make these guilt feelings not plague me so strongly. I know that they seem to happen to everyone, but I hope soon they won't attack me so viciously.

I want to say that last night I joined this group thinking it might be too hard to read other experiences, but I'm SO glad I gave it a try. I find that in reading your stories, I feel your pain and also feel your comfort. I read about other cats that had kidney disease, I think that's what was taking her, renal failure. Reading your stories was the first time I've been able to cry that really deep cry where my nose is all stuffed up and I can barely breathe. I need more of this, if I'm going to grieve my girl, properly. My heart is broken, and I know here, that you can truly understand my pain because you have felt the pain of losing your fur babies, also. Please know my heart aches for you as it does for me. They say in time, it will soften. My Vet just emailed me and said there are times she still misses her Edgar very terribly and it has been two years. In groups like this, we can find consolation from each other, comfort, and celebrate the lives of our precious pets. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your stories. My Gracie will be with me, forever.

[kayc]

57 minutes ago, Gracie4ever said:

Did I do it too soon?

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my 25 year old Kitty Jan. 6, her first symptom Christmas.  I honestly thought she'd live forever.  We often second guess our decision afterwards, it's grief speaking and natural for us to want a different possible outcome only this is the only outcome we have.  I hope you can console yourself with her being out of pain now, you sacrificed what YOU wanted for HER comfort.  I hope you will read these articles as they came to my mind as I read your account.
http://www.griefhealing.com/blessing-the-bridge.htm
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
 

I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace...

 

[Gracie4ever]

Thank you, Kay. I'm so dreadfully sorry to hear about the loss of your fur baby. My heart is broken for you. We'd have them for such a long time and it's hard to imagine life going on without them.  I really appreciate your words and I will look at the links you provided. I know the decision was made because I saw her in pain, she had been going downhill and I just wanted the suffering to end. You are right. I just have to make my heart believe it. Thanks again. My heart is with you, in your loss. You're right, we would love to have them back in healthy conditions but they were in pain, and we couldn't allow that to continue. We helped them find peace.

 

[MartyT]

12 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

I really hope that soon I can make these guilt feelings not plague me so strongly. I know that they seem to happen to everyone, but I hope soon they won't attack me so viciously.

My dear, I've been a grief counselor for more than four decades, with a special interest in the grief that accompanies the loss of a cherished pet ~ and in that time I've worked with countless bereaved animal lovers, both individually and in pet loss support groups, both in person and online. I can tell you that I've yet to meet a single person who has not struggled with enormous guilt when faced with choosing euthanasia for a beloved animal companion. I can say without a doubt that guilt is the most common reaction in a situation such as yours, so I hope it helps to know that you most certainly are not alone in feeling as you do.

I invite you to read this article: Pet Loss: Guilt In The Wake of The Euthanasia Decision

I encourage you to give yourself permission to mourn. It takes time and effort to believe in your heart what you already know in your rational mind: You made a conscious, loving and selfless decision to end your precious Gracie's suffering. And now you are the one who is suffering, as you've taken on the pain and sorrow of grief. Gracie's suffering has ended, and yours has just begun. Take comfort in knowing that death has ended Gracie's life, but the love you have for each other has not died. Love doesn't die. Love is forever.

I wish for comfort, peace and healing for your broken heart. ❤️

[Gracie4ever]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

My dear, I've been a grief counselor for more than four decades, with a special interest in the grief that accompanies the loss of a cherished pet ~ and in that time I've worked with countless bereaved animal lovers, both individually and in pet loss support groups, both in person and online. I can tell you that I've yet to meet a single person who has not struggled with enormous guilt when faced with choosing euthanasia for a beloved animal companion. I can say without a doubt that guilt is the most common reaction in a situation such as yours, so I hope it helps to know that you most certainly are not alone in feeling as you do.

I invite you to read this article: Pet Loss: Guilt In The Wake of The Euthanasia Decision

I encourage you to give yourself permission to mourn. It takes time and effort to believe in your heart what you already know in your rational mind: You made a conscious, loving and selfless decision to end your precious Gracie's suffering. And now you are the one who is suffering, as you've taken on the pain and sorrow of grief. Gracie's suffering has ended, and yours has just begun. Take comfort in knowing that death has ended Gracie's life, but the love you have for each other has not died. Love doesn't die. Love is forever.

I wish for comfort, peace and healing for your broken heart. ❤️

Thank you Marty for sharing all your precious years of experience with all of us! My mind has now switched from was it too soon, to was it too late? How long had she been hurting and to what degree? I’ve read over and over that cats hide pain and that hindsight is always 20/20. I wanted to go back and read old emails from the vet and ruminate about the past, but then I realized, no that is not a good idea. I did the best I could, and nobody could’ve loved her more than I did, and do. She was still showing signs of being happy, like purring and stretching when I pet her, until those last two days. Thank you for being here for all of us! I’m going to read that article now. 

[MartyT]

13 minutes ago, Gracie4ever said:

I did the best I could, and nobody could’ve loved her more than I did, and do.

Yes. Repeat this to yourself over and over, as often as you need to hear it ~ because it's the truth! ❤️

[Gracie4ever]

16 hours ago, MartyT said:

Yes. Repeat this to yourself over and over, as often as you need to hear it ~ because it's the truth! ❤️

Are there any articles or info you could share about tips for reframing our negative thoughts when they come? For example, part of me keeps starting to think that it came as a shock and that two days before she passed I didn’t expect her to go and I regret not having more time with her. Yet, that actually isn’t true because as soon as she was in pain I wanted to end her pain. I wouldn’t have wanted to have more time with her as that would’ve meant more suffering. How can I start reinforcing the truth instead of the guilt?

[GMS]

8 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

How can I start reinforcing the truth instead of the guilt?

I think you already are. 

 

8 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

I wouldn’t have wanted to have more time with her as that would’ve meant more suffering. How can I start reinforcing the truth instead of the guilt?

I think you already are. The truth is, which I think you know, and this is exactly what I am going through the last few days, there was no 'good' option. You already know she was suffering. I think about what if I had waited another day or week but I know he wasn't getting better and he was not happy. I started looking back at old pictures and videos and couldn't believe how different he was back then. I'd do anything to go back to those days and it's a very helpless feeling. I am sure your cat knew she was loved. An extra few hours in a lifetime of memories isn't going to change that. 

 

[kayc]

I totally agree with GMS' response.  When you think a negative thought, try to think of another way of reframing it yourself in a more positive way.  For every negative, there is a positive.Positive-Replacement-Thoughts-Worksheet.pdf

[Gracie4ever]

Yes, I look at photos of her, even a few months before, or a month before, and she looked so much better. I hadn't noticed the decline because I'd see her every day. I keep telling myself that I miss her when she was healthy and well, and remind myself that in the last few days she was obviously not well and there was no way to fix it. She needed to rest. But in any situation I am an expert at ruminating. I think of how she would eat some food and stop eating, and lay by her bowl, and I took it to mean she didn't like the food. So I kept switching up the food. But now I look back and think she wasn't strong enough to stay standing longer, plus her kidney disease was causing her appetite to wane. She had to rest in spurts. I was clueless!!

But then I see pictures I took of her, even a month ago, she was sleeping in a happy position with head turned up and would purr when I pet her and stretch happily. You see, the thought my mind has now turned to, is, was it too late?  Was she suffering sooner and should I have let her rest sooner? But I think as long as I saw those happy signs from her, there was no way I would've made that decision. And when she would lay by her bowl she did it so gracefully, I didn't get the idea she wasn't feeling well.

Also, I had pain medication for her but it was the only one she could safely take and it made her so drowsy that I only gave it when I got indications she might have pain. Not all the time. And now I am regretting that, too. And it was compounded medicine, so it expired in April and I was still using it. But the Vet said it would still work, maybe just a bit weaker. But in the last two days I was giving it regularly and it wasn't helping her. And I knew it was time.

All the guilt, all the painful ruminating, but I need to tell myself hindsight truly is 20/20 and that cats are notorious for not showing pain. And I loved her for 18 years and always put her first. She is not suffering anymore, not a bit, and I need to tell myself she wouldn't want me to suffer now, either.

You're right GMS, there was no good option. Ideally in a perfect world, we'd want our pets to live to the very last moment they felt well, and rest peacefully the moment the pain starts. But there is no way that can realistically be done and they are experts at hiding it. There is no good option. Your words have helped me. Thank you sooooooooooooo much for your thoughts and words of encouragement.

I don't have much support from people around me. It's SO TRULY comforting to have people like you to talk with. Thank you, dear. Your support means so much.

[Gracie4ever]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I totally agree with GMS' response.  When you think a negative thought, try to think of another way of reframing it yourself in a more positive way.  For every negative, there is a positive.Positive-Replacement-Thoughts-Worksheet.pdf

Thank you soooo much for this. I've had some positive thoughts and realized "I need to remember this!" but my memory is so bad. This chart will really help me. Thank you so much, dear Kay.

[Gracie4ever]

On 8/28/2020 at 7:27 AM, MartyT said:

Yes. Repeat this to yourself over and over, as often as you need to hear it ~ because it's the truth! ❤️

Marty I was curious to see if you offer any courses? I was trying to navigate the site but I’m not all that good with technology. I found one but it seemed to be from a few years back. Thanks so much, dear. 

[MartyT]

The email courses I once offered are no longer available ~ but links to just about everything I've ever written on the topic of pet loss can be found on this page: Pet Loss

Scroll down the list and simply click on any title, and you'll be taken to the article you've selected.

[kayc]

On 8/29/2020 at 9:56 AM, Gracie4ever said:

But in any situation I am an expert at ruminating.

Me too.  I overthink things to a fault.  I don't know how to change that about myself, I've always been this way, super analytical.  They say any trait carried to an extreme becomes a weakness, and that's true for me so there's both sides of the coin, it can be a good thing in some instances, not so much in other situations. 

Try to be kind, understanding, and patient with yourself as you're working your way through this.

[Gracie4ever]

51 minutes ago, kayc said:

Me too.  I overthink things to a fault.  I don't know how to change that about myself, I've always been this way, super analytical.  They say any trait carried to an extreme becomes a weakness, and that's true for me so there's both sides of the coin, it can be a good thing in some instances, not so much in other situations. 

Try to be kind, understanding, and patient with yourself as you're working your way through this.

Thank you, so much, dear Kay. You truly understand. I'm exactly that way, I overthink things to a fault, too. It's hard for me to imagine that I can feel guilt without being actually guilty. Just a few minutes ago, I started going even further back into my Gracie's life and thinking about food choices, etc...and tried to tell myself, "stop that, you're already in so deep, don't take it deeper"...

And there are times where I think of everything through, and I reach the decision that I made the best choice, or that even if I had acted differently, I would now be finding some way to feel guilty about it. I just borrowed an online book from the library about pet loss. Trying everything I can. Nights are the worst. I've just been reading and reading online about pet loss and guilt, etc, and it helps me to cry. I'm not used to being kind or understanding with myself, it's easier for me to show those things to others. But I really do need to show them to myself. Thanks so much for your messages, dear. We are all in this, together.

[MartyT]

This is precisely why a pet loss support group can be so helpful, as it offers you the feedback you need to counter-balance all the negative thinking, self-blaming and second-guessing that you describe. It exposes your internal, hidden, guilt-laden self-talk to the light of day, and challenges you to see things from a different, more objective perspective. If an in-person support group is not available, an online support group such as this one is the next best thing. In fact, many people find it to be preferable ❤️

[Gracie4ever]

12 hours ago, MartyT said:

This is precisely why a pet loss support group can be so helpful, as it offers you the feedback you need to counter-balance all the negative thinking, self-blaming and second-guessing that you describe. It exposes your internal, hidden, guilt-laden self-talk to the light of day, and challenges you to see things from a different, more objective perspective. If an in-person support group is not available, an online support group such as this one is the next best thing. In fact, many people find it to be preferable ❤️

I think support groups like this one are great because you can read the comforting words of others, over and over again. I’m very forgetful so it would be harder for me to recall words said to me verbally. Also, for me, words I can see, make more of an impression to my heart. I’m an expert at negative, self-blaming and second-guessing. Just now the thought occurred to me that at some point she stopped jumping onto the bed and I thought she just wasn’t interested but now I think maybe it was her arthritis. But she was still able to jump onto the couch and sleep and I didn’t see her finding that difficult until towards the end. 
 
Why do I keep reanalyzing everything? I wish I could turn that off. 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

Thank you, so much, dear Kay. You truly understand. I'm exactly that way, I overthink things to a fault, too. It's hard for me to imagine that I can feel guilt without being actually guilty. Just a few minutes ago, I started going even further back into my Gracie's life and thinking about food choices, etc...and tried to tell myself, "stop that, you're already in so deep, don't take it deeper"...

And there are times where I think of everything through, and I reach the decision that I made the best choice, or that even if I had acted differently, I would now be finding some way to feel guilty about it. I just borrowed an online book from the library about pet loss. Trying everything I can. Nights are the worst. I've just been reading and reading online about pet loss and guilt, etc, and it helps me to cry. I'm not used to being kind or understanding with myself, it's easier for me to show those things to others. But I really do need to show them to myself. Thanks so much for your messages, dear. We are all in this, together.

Everything you said here is so spot on!  You are doing it, you're providing yourself the self-talk you need for countering the negative thoughts, you're learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you would afford a friend.  I too have had to learn that.  We are raised to be nurturers to others, care for our children, our parents, but somehow we always seemed to come in last...now finally I've learned (another benefit of having learned through grief!) to be kind, understanding, patient with myself, to be my own best friend.  And that's important, especially as I live alone.

7 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

Why do I keep reanalyzing everything? I wish I could turn that off. 

Yep!  Me too!  It's why I had to go on anti-anxiety meds years ago, I couldn't shut my brain off and it was harmful to my sleep!  We need sleep to function.  I went on lowest dose of Buspirone as it doesn't leave me robotic or unfeeling, it just barely takes the edge off so I can cope, it doesn't alter my brain either, it's in a class of it's own, safer than the others I read about.  I'll probably be on it for life as I've ALWAYS had anxiety, even as a child.

[Gracie4ever]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Everything you said here is so spot on!  You are doing it, you're providing yourself the self-talk you need for countering the negative thoughts, you're learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you would afford a friend.  I too have had to learn that.  We are raised to be nurturers to others, care for our children, our parents, but somehow we always seemed to come in last...now finally I've learned (another benefit of having learned through grief!) to be kind, understanding, patient with myself, to be my own best friend.  And that's important, especially as I live alone.

Yep!  Me too!  It's why I had to go on anti-anxiety meds years ago, I couldn't shut my brain off and it was harmful to my sleep!  We need sleep to function.  I went on lowest dose of Buspirone as it doesn't leave me robotic or unfeeling, it just barely takes the edge off so I can cope, it doesn't alter my brain either, it's in a class of it's own, safer than the others I read about.  I'll probably be on it for life as I've ALWAYS had anxiety, even as a child.

I live alone, too. Gracie had a bad episode back in March and I hoped her health would be ok until the end of the pandemic, but I had no idea how long it was going to last. Thankfully when she started to crash, they were willing to allow me into the building and into the room with her, and for a friend to come, too. Now I am completely alone, and as you imagine, it is very difficult.  Friends want to be there for you but they have their own lives and the silence is deafening, and all of the reminders. I hear a noise and think for a split second maybe it's her, or think I see something out of the corner of my eye.

I've thought perhaps about anxiety medication. I'm glad you mentioned it. Last night I was talking to a friend with online video and she wanted to keep talking but once it started to become night, I started feeling more anxiety and almost panic attack. I didn't want to be on the phone with her. I wanted to be ready for bed and reading more about grieving, checking this site for comfort, etc. Days and nights are both hard, all the time is hard, but somehow at the arrival of night, I have a really hard time. I might look into medication and ask my Doctor about it.

I'm a nurturer, too. I take care of everyone else but don't know how to afford myself the same. I'm working on it, I need to, or I won't survive this.

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

I might look into medication and ask my Doctor about it.

Do some research on it before letting your doctor prescribe just anything, some are highly addictive, some over-reaching.  The doctor I had years ago put me on Valium and I took myself off of it after two days, it wiped me out, didn't help me, and that's when I researched and came up with Buspirone (Buspar).  I'm very thankful I found out about it.  I don't want something strong.  It does sound like you could benefit, it stopped my anxiety attacks, I haven't had one since I got settled in with this, I think that was in 2008.  I eventually had to get a sleeping pill too, 50 mg Trazodone.  It gives me 4 hours sleep but usually I get back to sleep within a few minutes so long as I take this once before bedtime.  Good luck with it!

23 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

I take care of everyone else but don't know how to afford myself the same. I'm working on it

Keep with it, one of the most important things I've learned in my old age!  

[Gracie4ever]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

Do some research on it before letting your doctor prescribe just anything, some are highly addictive, some over-reaching.  The doctor I had years ago put me on Valium and I took myself off of it after two days, it wiped me out, didn't help me, and that's when I researched and came up with Buspirone (Buspar).  I'm very thankful I found out about it.  I don't want something strong.  It does sound like you could benefit, it stopped my anxiety attacks, I haven't had one since I got settled in with this, I think that was in 2008.  I eventually had to get a sleeping pill too, 50 mg Trazodone.  It gives me 4 hours sleep but usually I get back to sleep within a few minutes so long as I take this once before bedtime.  Good luck with it!

Keep with it, one of the most important things I've learned in my old age!  

Thank you for the advice. I will do research first on medications. Help with sleep would help, too. Last night I slept only from around 3am until 5am. 

[kayc]

Oh wow, try to get some help with this asap...I'm sure you've already tried calming tea, soothing music, lavender scent, counting sheep, praying, etc...

[Gracie4ever]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Oh wow, try to get some help with this asap...I'm sure you've already tried calming tea, soothing music, lavender scent, counting sheep, praying, etc...

Yes, I'm trying to listen to calming music and this morning I have put a "calming blend" on my wrist to keep smelling as I type. One of my friends was listening to my concerns and said that's the "bargaining" phase and then she said she had her cat put to rest at home because he didn't like car rides. Then it made me feel bad again, for not having in-home Vet visit...my girl didn't care for car rides, either. But the thing is, she already had this appointment set up at the Vet office for lab tests. I wanted her to rest as soon as possible and stop suffering. Had I waited to set up an appointment with in-home Vet she probably would've had to wait longer. So I have to keep telling myself not to regret this! I ended her suffering sooner, plus I really trusted her Vet.

I gave her anxiety meds two hours before we left, also sprayed the carrier with that stuff for anxiety, and found a homeopathic remedy for stress too, gave her all of it. So at least I did think of that. But I can't get out of my mind how I took her from sleeping and placed her right in the carrier and we left, for my friend was there to get us. That picture won't leave my mind. BUT....had I pet her and held her, and done it slowly, I still would feel guilty now for somehow having "fooled" her. And due to Covid protocol my friend washed her hands and I washed mine, and the Vet came in right after that. So I hadn't had time to pet her again and I placed her on the table. They asked were we ready to proceed and I said yes because my main idea, "end her suffering as soon as possible"...and also, end her stress from being at the Vet. As soon as they gave the first shot, I pet her until her head lay down. So I was there in the last moments.

And so again I try to reason (or is it bargain)..."If I had pet her before the shot and heard her purr, I would now feel bad thinking that was stress purring. If I had pet her and she looked around anxiously, that would now be a bad memory for me, too"...so in other words, as was said before, "there are no perfect options"... and realistically, petting her never gave her comfort at the Vet. One of my friends said I'm stuck in the bargaining phase. Not that I feel I could've somehow prolonged her life, but just that I wished I had done things differently.

Kay, I know for you, there are memories towards the end that trouble us. We gave our pets the best lives ever, we loved them and nurtured them. They are not suffering now. They are not suffering now. They would not want us to be suffering either...easier said than done.

I wanted to share the email I got from the Vet. She did all she could to comfort me, and thus why I felt that having her help me with Gracie at the end, was a good choice. I'm not sure why it's showing up in pink.

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. They truly mean more than you know. Please let me reassure you that everything that you are feeling is completely normal and expected after the loss of Gracie. She was an important and valued family member, and you were deeply involved in her care for such a long time. It is very normal to run through some of the 'what-if' scenarios in your head, and it is not uncommon to struggle with feelings of guilt in these cases. If it helps you any, I also struggled with some of those same thoughts and feelings after my cat Edgar passed away. However, as much as it is normal and expected to have those thoughts and feelings, please let me reassure you that you provided an excellent level of care and I don't believe that Gracie was suffering. You are absolutely right that cats do hide their pain well, and while I think that Gracie was declining toward the end, you were very conscientious and provided pain medication and anti-nausea support to help her feel the best that she could. You knew her best and you always kept me informed about her condition at home, and there were no updates that were overly concerning. Gracie was an elderly cat with chronic illnesses, but I do NOT believe that you waited too long to let her go. I do think that it is common in cats with chronic disease (especially multiple chronic diseases) that their body has a 'steady state' where everything seems to balance out and they are doing okay - until one thing worsens to the point where it is no longer in balance and we see a more sharp decline. I think that is why you noticed that it seemed to happen quickly - because that more serious decline did happen quickly - and that's normal. Gracie was lucky to have you, and I have no doubt that she knew that you loved her. You provided her love, wonderful care, and a peaceful passing.

[MartyT]

What a kind and thoughtful message you received from your vet, my dear, and I thank you for sharing it with us. It warms my heart to know that there ARE some wonderful vets out there, and I'm so pleased to know that this one was there for you and your beloved Gracie. I hope you will take her wise words to heart.

As for being stuck in the bargaining phase, please know that your friend is basing her comment on the commonly held (but thoroughly debunked) belief that grief happens in linear stages (that include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, based on Kubler-Ross's ground breaking work On Death and Dying, published in 1969) ~ but in the last 50 years we have learned so much more about the normal grief process! More recent research demonstrates that healthy mourners tend to move back and forth between focusing on the loss (that is, thoughts, feelings, actions and events that make us focus on our grief and pain) and engaging in activities that distract us from it (doing things that let us get on with daily life and distract us from our grief for a while). This is known as the Dual-Process Model of grief, and it's based on valid and reliable research. 

I don't see you as being stuck in bargaining. Rather, I see you as someone working hard to come to terms with what is for you a very significant loss, and you are doing that in a way that fits your own unique personality ~ in your own way, and in your own time. This is a process, and it takes time and effort to find your way through it. Give yourself permission to do it YOUR way, as you discover it for yourself. ❤️

[Gracie4ever]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

What a kind and thoughtful message you received from your vet, my dear, and I thank you for sharing it with us. It warms my heart to know that there ARE some wonderful vets out there, and I'm so pleased to know that this one was there for you and your beloved Gracie. I hope you will take her wise words to heart.

As for being stuck in the bargaining phase, please know that your friend is basing her comment on the commonly held (but thoroughly debunked) belief that grief happens in linear stages (that include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, based on Kubler-Ross's ground breaking work On Death and Dying, published in 1969) ~ but in the last 50 years we have learned so much more about the normal grief process! More recent research demonstrates that healthy mourners tend to move back and forth between focusing on the loss (that is, thoughts, feelings, actions and events that make us focus on our grief and pain) and engaging in activities that distract us from it (doing things that let us get on with daily life and distract us from our grief for a while). This is known as the Dual-Process Model of grief, and it's based on valid and reliable research. 

I don't see you as being stuck in bargaining. Rather, I see you as someone working hard to come to terms with what is for you a very significant loss, and you are doing that in a way that fits your own unique personality ~ in your own way, and in your own time. This is a process, and it takes time and effort to find your way through it. Give yourself permission to do it YOUR way, as you discover it for yourself. ❤️

Now you see why I decided that instead of having a stranger come to the house, I felt more secure in asking this Vet to bring Gracie, rest. It's a small Clinic with three Vets. They are all nice, and all had met Gracie at one time or another. But this one...she was hands down the best for me and Gracie. I felt so secure with her and she was always very patient to answer all my questions, either with phone calls or very detailed emails. We had just met her in the last year and I am so glad we did. I am trying to take her wise words to heart. Right now it makes me cry to read her letter, but I did print a copy and place it with Gracie's bag of belongings. After Covid, I wish to bring her some kind of gift or perhaps a gift certificate.

You know, I had recalled reading something about the "stages of grief" on your site and that it was somehow incorrect but I couldn't remember exactly how. Thank you for this explanation. I know that for me, I really do vacillate from one thought to the next...sometimes I will stick with a thought, like right now regretting that I wasn't more affectionate towards the end...just one more hug or one more kiss...that's the thought that is plaguing me the most now but I do also go back and forth on the other issues, too soon, too early, etc...so that whole thought that we have stages, didn't really make sense.

I will do it MY way as you suggest. I have a temperament which is known to be very sensitive to loss...I feel and think things very, very deeply. Maybe this is the only way I can grapple with my grief...all the overthinking...Thank you Marty, words cannot express!!