Struggling

[MamasGirl59]

It’s going to be 4 weeks tomorrow since my mom passed. The funeral is on Friday. Small funeral because of COVID. I have had to do so much with her estate, it’s overwhelming.. and while trying to be a first time mom to my now 4 month old. And now I’m sick... I’m sure from stress and not taking care of myself. I don’t have time to take care of myself, I know that’s what you’re supposed to do, but literally I have no time. And I started work again and my marriage is on the brink of ending and I’m planning a funeral for the most important person in my life. I just don’t see the point in anything anymore. I don’t want to take my life but I certainly don’t want the life I’ve been dealt either. I’m so very alone now. I have people who want to help and be here and what not but there is nothing they can do and they usually make me feel worse. I feel her so much. I don’t want time to keep going because I’m afraid I won’t feel her as strongly as I do now. I’m so overwhelmed and over everything anymore, I just don’t know what to do.

i just want to quit. I just want to lay in bed for days on end with no responsibilities. 

[Kieron]

I have no doubt it feels like all the walls are closing in on you, with demands coming from all sides.  Wanting to lie in bed all day, or go to sleep and just never wake up, is something I have experienced.

It sounds like there are people nearby who are wishing they could help, but aren't sure how, or it takes too much energy for you to explain what needs doing, or just uttering the words to tell them what they can do is enough to make you feel worse.  Would it be possible to make a list of things that need attention, things that don't need your direct involvement, and hand it out/email it/text it?  Then people can just do the things and leave you in peace to focus on the things that only you can handle?

[kayc]

19 hours ago, MamasGirl59 said:

I don’t want to take my life but I certainly don’t want the life I’ve been dealt either.

Oh Hon, I'm so sorry, that is a LOT to have on your plate right now.  When it's overwhelming for me and I don't know what to do, I remind myself to stay in today, you only have to get through today, then tomorrow you get up and tackle that day.  Try not to look at the big picture.  Is there an aunt or someone who can deal with funeral arrangements?  Another thing I do is prioritize my day, do only what you need to do (feed the baby, etc.)  cut it down to basics.  Forgive me if I'm oversimplifying but that's how I have to handle it.  

Praying for you and sending uplifting thoughts your way...

[MamasGirl59]

@Kieron I wish I could delegate some stuff, but it’s all personal things. I do have people pitching in and taking over stuff with the funeral so that is helpful. If anyone told me last year, that this was going to be my life this year, I never would have believed it. I no longer look forward to the future, because I realize it will never turn out anything close to what I expected! 
 

@kayc I’m trying real hard to stay in the moment and just get through the day, but a lot of stuff takes some planning and preparation, so I constantly have to be doing things for the next day or the next week. My aunt is in New York and has MS, so even if it weren’t for Covid, it’s very difficult for her to travel. I know what you mean about doing the basics, I call it survival mode 🙃 and its how I’ve been living for the past several months. Thank you for your prayers ❤️

[kayc]

I do understand we have to plan for things, I get that, but I have learned I can't take on worrying about the whole rest of my life (and believe me, that comes natural to me!) and it's important for me to stay in today as much as possible and sometimes that takes reminding myself.

My daughter has been going through the death of her marriage for the last 3 1/2 years following the loss of their baby, and she has learned the same survival techniques that I have had to employ in my life.  I used to get up, look in the mirror, and tell myself, "It won't be like this forever."  That when my 23 year marriage to her dad was ending.  It's harder to tell yourself that when you've lost someone to death...death is so permanent.  But adjusting to those changes are similar techniques to adjusting to the death of a marriage adjustments/changes.  Very hard.  Still, I think it's harder to know what to tell yourself in the case of a death...I've been through both...the loss of my sweet George (following marriage) was the hardest loss I've ever had to endure...it is with me always.  I have learned to coexist with my grief.  It took me years to process it, years more to find purpose, years more to build a life I could live...and then came the pandemic.  I felt like it set me back to square one almost!  But I'm getting through it, isolation and all.

You will get through this, I want to encourage you!  Keep coming here, we're here, listening, and even though we can't change your circumstances, it does help to know you're heard, understood and validated in what you're experiencing.  I wish we could do more. 

 

[MamasGirl59]

Thank you. I’m very sorry about your daughter’s situation and happy she has you to lean on! 
My mom’s funeral was on Friday. It was really hard. Then it snowed these past couple of days and something about the seasons changing made me really sad. My mom would have been so excited for this snow, wish she could have seen it! I thought I would do ok during the holidays because I get to do them for my baby now, but I fell apart when it started snowing, so guess that’s not going to happen! 

I think I may have been grieving my mother longer than I realized, before I even knew anything was wrong. She had changed, slept a lot and never wrote me back or answered my calls, which was highly unlike her. I thought she was just depressed because of Covid... not knowing her body was starting to fail her. Maybe I’m handling this ok because I have a son now and I know I have to be happy for him, or maybe it’s because I know I’m next in line to die, and I want to make the most of my life while I’m here. Watching her die was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I’m sure I have many bad days ahead, but right now I think I’m doing ok. I hope you are as well. I read somewhere else your hand(s) were hurting you. I hope you are able to get some relief for them soon! 
 

Ashley

[Kieron]

Speaking solely from my own experience... I learned--much too late--that the dying process takes a great deal of energy.  Often, the person who is actively dying or has decided that they no longer wish to keep fighting to live, seems to withdraw, pull away, or seem depressed.  This is what happened to my partner when he apparently made up his mind that he didn't want to keep on with treatment, or perhaps that he didn't want to be a burden, and/or face an even harder battle ahead.  I assumed he was depressed and pulling away from me and being uncommunicative, which I felt keenly.  You say you noticed a change in her behavior, in her case, being uncommunicative.  Apparently, that's part of it.  Apparently, there's an inner process that takes place on a level we can't usually detect, some kind of transformation that goes on within, which we are never taught about.  Here, again, we are done wrong by a society that simply will not teach us how to face Death.  I didn't understand any of it, at the time, and the rehab center social worker utterly failed us by not taking the time to explain how he was likely beginning the initial stages of active dying.  Had I known it, I would have done so many things differently.

I'm glad you're doing okay today.  Hang on to those good days and moments, they do come along now and again, in between the bad ones. 

[razorclam]

Dear Kieron,

Thank you so much for your description of withdrawal. One thing that tormented me was that my friend never went online the day he died. He had communicated fairly normally the day before, though commented that he was feeling very poorly, and drifting in and out of sleep. Still, he sent me the usual goodnight message at 11:30 PM his time (9 time zones ahead of mine). Then he went silent forever. HIs wife told me that he died in the evening hours, so he was alive most of his last day, but opted not to communicate with his friends. For a long time I was, very selfishly, angry at him for tuning us all out. Eventually, of course, I came to my senses and realized that he was probably too weak or too sick to communicate. But the withdrawal that you describe, and the notion that energy must be expended to die -those are things I had never thought of. 

"Apparently, there's an inner process that takes place on a level we can't usually detect, some kind of transformation that goes on within, which we are never taught about.  Here, again, we are done wrong by a society that simply will not teach us how to face Death."

How I wish I had known about this, not that there was anything I could have done. In his case, the transformation happened so fast. Hours... 😢

 

[MartyT]

Our friend and colleague Barbara Karnes, RN is a hospice nurse who's devoted her life to educating the public about the dying process, and the materials she offers are wonderful. If anyone is looking for valid and reliable information on that subject, there is no better source. Visit her website here: BK Books

[Kieron]

You're very welcome.  It was a revelation for me.  I ran across it in a book called "The Grace In Dying" by Kathleen Dowling Singh (1998).  The preface is subtitled "How we are transformed spiritually as we die."  The book covers a great deal of information, including transpersonal psychology.  Not all of it is relevant to everyone, and it's not meant for people who are preparing for the death of a loved one.  But it was eye-opening to read about what she calls the nearing-death experience.  This is where the energy it takes to cross over is mentioned, in the section on "The signs and symptoms of active dying."  It made a lot of things come into focus for me.  The author works in a large hospice in Florida, USA.  Marty can probably tell us more.

[kayc]

On 9/9/2020 at 11:54 AM, MamasGirl59 said:

I think I may have been grieving my mother longer than I realized, before I even knew anything was wrong. She had changed

Yes, we do anticipatory grief.  I've been there, long before I knew there was a term for it.  Yet even though we go through that, there's nothing that prepares you for the finality when it comes.

Good responses here!