STOO Posted July 5, 2006 Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 I just lost my best friend and lover days ago. I have never experienced such grief in my life. I have no one to support me in my grief, as no one knows or can know how close we were, that we loved eachother so deeply.He let a message on y cell phone just minutes before he died. He was being taken to the hospital for what he believed was relatively minor, and told me to "remember"- our code word for I love you. Our connection was so very strong, and our love deep. I don't know how I will get through this.Has anyone had to go through anything like this alone? I need to cry, to mourn, to be comforted in my grief - yet know onw can know of our relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ann Posted July 5, 2006 Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 i understand what u are going through right now, stoo. i've been through so much grief feeling so alone and isolated too. i have no one to talk to abt what i am feeling, and i just pretend that everything was ok when the fact is i am really breaking inside. i never thought before that i will experience that too much pain. no one on my side knew of our relationship, that is why i pretend that everything is ok with me.this site is here for u stoo. u can share with us all ur thoughts. in my case, i felt better sharing my story here, and reading some topics here. ive shared my story already in "why do i feel like this" topic. but for the past days, i am just feeling so empty, and numb too. as if like, i am just a "zombie", going through each day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MzzButterfly Posted July 5, 2006 Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 Stoo,I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband unexpectedly two and a half months ago. He was my husband, my lover, my best friend. You are not alone here. There are so many wonderful supportive people here that know what you are going through. Please keep coming back.Mzz.Butterfly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 5, 2006 Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 Dear STOO,You've come to the right place, and you are most welcome here. Please see the article I've just now posted in The Latest News forum, Coping with Hidden SorrowWishing you peace and healing,Marty T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STOO Posted July 5, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 Marty,Thank you for the reference to the article on disenfranchised grief. Yes -- i would say that it very closely describes my suffering. But I have no way to share my grief, no one to talk to and I am so alone. I live in a very small town - I fear that if people see the depths of my grief they will guess my relationship with the deceased. There are families to consider. There is no one i can talk to, no one to whom I can reveal the relationship. Perhaps this forum will help me; right now I don't know if there is anything that will help, and I wonder if I will feel this void for the rest of my life.~STOO~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STOO Posted July 5, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 Stoo,I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband unexpectedly two and a half months ago. He was my husband, my lover, my best friend. You are not alone here. There are so many wonderful supportive people here that know what you are going through. Please keep coming back.Mzz.ButterflyWOW <sob sob> thank you mzz Butterfly. this is the first time I have been told that someone is sorry for my loss, thank you stooi understand what u are going through right now, stoo. i've been through so much grief feeling so alone and isolated too. i have no one to talk to abt what i am feeling, and i just pretend that everything was ok when the fact is i am really breaking inside. i never thought before that i will experience that too much pain. no one on my side knew of our relationship, that is why i pretend that everything is ok with me.this site is here for u stoo. u can share with us all ur thoughts. in my case, i felt better sharing my story here, and reading some topics here. ive shared my story already in "why do i feel like this" topic. but for the past days, i am just feeling so empty, and numb too. as if like, i am just a "zombie", going through each day.ann- thank you for the kind words. I don't know yet if sharing in this venue will help me - right now it feels like nothing will help me, I'm just collapsing inside. you said you pretended that everything was ok. That must have been difficult - or impossible. I'm trying very hard to not let my grief show. and right now when I do show tears in "public" it can be explained a bit by the very few days since the death, But what about a month from now - when i'm still grieving and feeling so much pain - people will surely wonder. And I havve to keep it private - but I don't know how long i can survive feeling like this. God bless you for sharing with me, and I hope you will find a way to cope. ~STOO~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 6, 2006 Report Share Posted July 6, 2006 Stoo,I am so sorry for your loss. You shared a love which he acknowledge with the code...you had together what so many never have, a passion and love. Remember the words to "The Dance", Garth Brooks. I have had a time in my life when I couldn't openly express what was going on inside of me and it was very hard, especially when the inside of you is crying out and your heart is breaking, to go through the motions of another day. You have us here to share with and we aren't here to judge but to care and listen and hopefully encourage you through one more day. Please keep coming to this site, it has been a lifesaver to me and to so many here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STOO Posted July 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2006 KayC - Thank you. I can't believe how much it hurts - and how much it helps - to have someone tell me they are sorry for my loss - to have my loss and my sorrow acknowleged. He demonstratd his love for me in many ways. Because our relationship needed to be very private - we developed many ways to communicate our love and devotion. Right now incorporation some of them into my life is giving me some comfort. When I leave a sweet token of our love somewhere for him, I imagine that he is watching and is smiling - because he knows that I love him so so so much, that he is forever part of me.I'm sorry that you have suffered similarly. I'm sure openin up to me caused a new hurt for you - please know how much your sharing means to me. ~STOO~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted July 6, 2006 Report Share Posted July 6, 2006 STOO,I lost me spouse 3 months ago today and the pain is still so very real. When you have no one to talk to come here, everyone here has had similar feelings and situations. Because of the work I am in, I to have to hide my feelings, and it is very difficult but as time goes on life gets a little easier. When I look back to April when Karen died and compare to where I am today I see a big improvement. There will always be someone here that will respond to your posts. I am also sorry for your loss, I wouldn't wish a death of a loved one on my worst enemy. I wish you had someone to share with one on one, but this site is the next best thing. I will keep you in my prayers.God BlessDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STOO Posted July 7, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2006 [Derek,Thank you for sharing with me. Three months without your Karen -- I"m very sorry. But hearing you have felt a big improvement in three months gives me some hope -- though I can't imagine that I will ever feel whole or happy ever again. We were together for nearly 10 years -- and the six days I have been without him have been so very long and full of pain. thank you for your response to me, and for your prayers. ~STOO~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted July 7, 2006 Report Share Posted July 7, 2006 Karen and I knew each other for 12 years and were married for 11. I know what you mean when you say you don't ever know if you will be happy again. At six days for me I wasn't eating very much and very deep in depression. I still have depression but it is a little less painful than it was at 6 days. Just keep hanging in there it will get better. When I heard that at 6 days I didn't believe it, I thought how will I ever feel better there is no way. I can tell you now that I do feel better, I am eating more and sleeping more. Keep in touch and keep posting there are a lot of people here that truly understand.God BlessDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 15, 2006 Report Share Posted August 15, 2006 Dear Stoo,I am very, very, sorry for your lost. I can not even imagine what it is like to lose some who you are truly in love with... I have lost my parents but that is a different kind of love... Please do take care and I will pray for you and ask God to give you the strength to get through this very difficult time... God Bless Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roswell Posted August 15, 2006 Report Share Posted August 15, 2006 Sorry for your loss, and I wish that I were capable of providing words that would bring comfort to you at this time. As everyone here is well aware...it's tough, and at times it doesn't seemingly appear as if it's going to get any easier. Though I seldom post and mostly just read, I've found everyone here to be a great source of courage when needed.Warmest of regards and best wishes extended your way. Keep us posted, and may your journey be smooth! William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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