Hurts Too Much

[sunstreet]

I feel so alone, I hurt so much, a physical pain. I go to work I function well, I smile, yet inside I am dying. I feel like such an imposter. No-one in my family wants to talk about my Father anymore. Why should I be surprised or hurt about that? My family has always swept everything under the carpet never to be talked about again. I have the next two days off from work, not looking forward to it. I wish I could work 7 days per week. I wish I had somebody in my life that was more than an aquaintance. I miss my Father something fierce. It has been just over 2 months, I thought it would get easier as time went on, it is not!

[shell]

Sunstreet,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I'm also sorry your family doesn't want to talk about him anymore. That must be really tough. Is there a support group you could go to? Coming here helps a lot. You can certainly feel free to talk about anything here. Two months is still very early when you are grieving. I know you won't believe this right now, considering how much you are suffering, but it does get easier. The pain never goes away, but it will get easier to cope, honestly. It takes awhile though, so hang in there.

You know, depression (and after a death I think we are all in some stage of depression) can cause physical symptoms too. You may want to talk to your doctor about it. But that is probably why you have physical pain too. Plus the fact that this kind of sadness and hurt is physically painful too. Like you feel your heart is literally breaking in two.

Come back and share your feelings and thoughts with us.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[Haley]

Sunstreet

You are not alone it seems like you are but you really are not,we all are here for you in many ways a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen with. I have been to this site for a few months and it helps to come here a few times just to vent and talk.(type) Everybody here has great advice and it helps. I am new to all of this grieving and have gotten great advice from Shell, Paul, and Kathy, and Whiteswan, and everybody else. It is so hard to go day to day but working like you are wanting to is not really good either. You need to give your mind a little bit of down time to function back to normal and to keep your head on straight. I am also like everyone else confused and lonely and needing to figure it out but like a peice of advice was given to me was "you can not try to figure it out just let it happen" I have been thinking about that alot and its true the more you try to figure it all out the more I was getting mixed up weird huh I know but I have not figured it all out yet either. Just hang in there and come and talk to us all about everything and anything at all no matter what.

Thanks

Haley

[KathyD]

Hi Sunstreet,

As Haley said you're not alone in dealing with your grief, we're all along on same awful ride with you. My family isn't exactly like yours but no one really talks about Dad (he died in March) and it is maddening how some act as though nothing has happened. I'm heartbroken and while I know my Mom is too I can't put on the game face that she does; I'm in pain and I have to cry and be able to say that no one else is feeling what I am. But I do think that we have to confront the feelings and go through the horrible emotions instead of running from them, though. There aren't any answers but to get through the grief we have to allow the grief to happen, even if we don't understand what's happening. It's damned HARD to do and I also thought things would get easier but we can't expect ourselves to be all right after only a few short months. Hang in there even though that's easier said than done...

Kathy

[star0422]

I am in total agreement about working all the time. I am fine when I am at work. MY Dad infused the strong work ethic in me. MAybe this is my way of honoring him. When I come home the water works start, I did take some advice from this site and went to my doctor for help. I have been on anti-depressents for 2 weeks now. I am not sure if they are working or not. The only thing I have noticed is I feel like I am being more supportive to my Mom. I am able to comfort her and be strong for her instead of breaking down in front of her. She was quite upset when I told her what the doctor perscribed. She thought it was her fault for her relying on me so much. My response is it is my Honor and Pleasure to support my Mom in anyway I can. This comes from the support I received from them all my life. Hang in there.

Starla

Star0422@earthlink.net

[sunstreet]

Shell, Haley, Kathy, and Starla,

Thank you all so much for responding to my post. I think that I am finding it very difficult because I have actually been working with a therapist for two years and I had my last session with her on June 28 and now she is on a 6 month extended leave from work. This also feels like a huge loss. I have tried to talk with the person she referred me to while she is away but it just is not a good fit. I took on an elderly cat two years ago and he has renal insufficiency and it is a progressive disease and he is declining in health. Thank you all again. I will soldier on as I always do.

Sunstreet

[lorikelly]

I understand about it hurting to much. i feel this everyday, somedays i can't wait for the night to come so i can go to sleep. i keeping counting the days hoping that as time goes on it will get better. my mom passed on 7/3/06 and my family does not speak to me. I am one of five and they do not speak to me since i was my moms caregiver. half the time they don't speak to each other. it is just that know i am the one they don;t speak to. i go to therapy and had to start taking zxanax b/c the anxiety and panic attacks were so bad. i feel lost like i am never going to feel better the pain go away. i have a wonderful husband and 2 great boys. each day i pray that it will be a better day and that God will relieve some of the mental anguish, i am such mess that i can;t eat i have to force my self and i have diar every day. i hope someone can tell me this gets better. thanks for listening.

[sunstreet]

Lorikelly,

I am sorry for your loss and your pain. I believe alot of people have read your words and know your pain, myself included. I don't have any answers for you other than I do believe we must hang onto hope. I do believe that with time we will carry our pain in a different way. I am feeling quite lost these days. My Father's death has triggered so much pain for me that I had no idea was there. It is so very hard to reach out at this time but I do believe that is exactly what we need to do if we are to make it through this pain. It is such a pull for me to isolate. Yes, I believe in God as well and I do believe that it is God that is carrying me now. Perhaps he is carrying you as well. I don't know if it will be helpful for you but sometimes what I do is have a conversation with God. I give everything up to God and ask Him to carry it awhile while I try to sleep at night. Take good gentle care of yourself.

Peace to everyone, Sunstreet

[lorikelly]

thanks for answering me. i seem to wake up and feel awful, i wish i could wake and feel like today will be a better day. i can't wait for that time to come. i dream't alot last night about my mom and one of my sisters who doesn't speak to me. i wish things could be different but they cant and i have to accept that. things with my family will probably never change or will take a very long time. my therapist says not to worry about them and that i have to try and look at the whole picture not just my negatives. i seem to focus on all that i did wrong and can't see anything else. i wish i could turn back time and have my mom back, i know that for her she is in a better place and finally happy. i just want the pain to end. i have started taking the xanax and it does help but i hate to take it more then once a day so i only take it one time. my husband says to take it more i can take every 8 hrs but i am afraid i will be come dependent on it and he says right now i need it. my therapists says the same but i am afraid that it will stop working and then what. i am just going through so much. thanks for listening.

[Maylissa]

lorikelly,

Like you, I have a very troubled family, and have had to ( well, my choice, really ) cut off all contact with the one brother who's left. His loss, more than mine, I say now. He hasn't a clue what a 'resource' he's let go through his terrible behaviour. I'd done this before, and it served me quite well overall, so I've done it again. While this means no support from family, it's not like I was getting any anyway, so no REAL loss. As far as I'm concerned, my family has had tons of chances to redeem themselves and have never seen fit to take the openings I've offered, so no more chances....if their spirits ever moved them, they can do it all of their own accord...but I know this will never happen.

As for focusing on the -'ves, that's pretty common after a loss and I tended to do that, too, for the most part, at least for the first year or so. I knew it wasn't good for me, but that's just the way it was then. This is why grieving people must sooner or later start to look at their past relationships with their loved ones in a more realistic light. You need this perspective to eventually carry on without nothing but remorse and guilt. This is part of the 'work' of grief, and must be done lest you get caught in unresolved grief forevermore. If continuing life does contain a life review, plus knowledge &/or understanding of the lives of those who were left behind, your mom already knows how you feel, and why, and I'm sure doesn't fault you for anything. She's probably more likely to be trying to help you heal, not keep open your self-imposed wounds!

Regarding taking drugs for various, normal effects of grief, if you really don't like them, then don't take them. There are many wonderful and much safer herbs and other supplements out there that will do the same job...even things as simple as certain teas at bedtime to help you relax and sleep....cheaper and far safer than drugs. I was fortunate that my own psychologist was well-informed about alternative substances, as I wouldn't have listened to anyone pushing drugs on me that I wasn't comfortable with anyway. Instead, I took some alternative treatments ( she even looked some of them up to make sure they 'passed inspection' in her books ), suggested some other ones for me ( and even utlized some during sessions ), plus gave me meditational/relaxing/energy exercises to do at home, which I found REALLY relaxing....but it was up to ME to DO them....just another part of the work of healing oneself. My MD was fine with that, believing that whatever works, works, and didn't push the issue but just extended the offer of drugs if I so chose to go that route. Drugs, by themselves, won't heal you any more than anything else will...they're not magic, and nothing is. More than anything else, you just need enough time to do the hard work of grieving, and look after your needs on all levels as much as you can.

I, too, went through so very much complicated grief and while there are still vestiges of some issues to fully resolve, I think for the most part I've gotten through the worst of it pretty well, considering...although it won't be fully over until it's fully over and maybe I'll never see 100%! I chose to cut myself as much slack as I thought was reasonable, in order to help myself as best I could, WITH some outside help early on, and these and other boards during and later on. Believe me, I know how incredibly difficult and impossible things seem when you don't have enough people to rely upon for support, and my heart goes out to you in this....but I always figure, if I can make it or do it, anyone can! Try to trust that this will happen for you, too, even if it takes a long time and the ride isn't easy. And while I didn't believe others when they told me I'd survive it all, I think now they may have known what they were talking about.

[lorikelly]

Maylissa

thank you for that wonderful reply i will read it over and over to reassure myself. i am trying and thats all i can do. each day is a new day and i say i will try a little harder. i just had a really good cry so i think i am set for the night. the morning is the worse for some reason as soon as i wake up it hits me. i am working on the guilt i have and tomorrow i am going to try again to focus on one positive thing i did and try my best to not let the guilt creep up. i know that if i don;t deal with it it will get the best of me. i am going to do my best. thanks again

[Suzy]

Sustreet,

I can relate to your feelings both physical and emotional. My Mom died Oct 26, 2006 and I have not been myself for a long time now. Even though I know it is a blessing for Mom it is so hard for me and my Dad. He is lost and I am also, and we just seem to grate on each other.

I am going to make a suggestion, go to your doctor, tell him or her what is going on. They can prescribe an antidepressant. That will not heal the wound, but it will make it easier for you to deal with the emtional roller coaster you are on. One on one therapy can also help. Once you begin to let go of the pain, you will find you can start finding an inner strength. Dont be afraid to let the emotions out, you won't lose yourself or control of your life.

I know how it sounds, but it is true. Also you have all of us. We are all connected by loss. I am here for you. Please let me hear from you to know how you are doing.

You will be in my prayers,

Suzy

[Haley]

Hey Everybody

Life with family is so funny at times more so than none I also lost my MOM 4/9/06 and it hurts more than anything I am on the verge of going nuts and feel that my family would be there for each other and nothing nothing at all not even I miss MOM NOTHING.. How can they be like that why are they like that what about blood is thicker than water???? I have not spoke to my father in years and him and my MOM got divorced and it was bad and my MOM lost everything but she is such a strong woman. I even have an older sister who stole from my MOM even though she new my MOM had a hard life and was living pay check to pay check and not a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of and it never stopped my sister I helpped out as much as I could and my Grandmother was a god sent to my MOM. My youngest sister was always to busy (not really) and my sister one year older did not like the fact that my mom smoked cigarettes and did not hardly ever go over and my brother lived in New York. Me I would have my MOM over almost everyday (except the last couple of months and my boys and I would walk over to her house and go get icde cream for us all and just sit outside and talk and talk and have a good time yes MOM's house did smell like smoke but that was her house and thats that but it should not stop anybody from spending time we would talk at least once everyother day and I would call just to hear her voice if I was to busy being a single mom of 3 boys and sports and work butI was always there for her and I hate hte fact thatI can not still talk to her. I have caught my self going to pick up the phone to call her buti can not now that hurts and than whenI see that people are rude to there parents its hard for me to not say something.

I guess that we are all in the same boat and it helps sort to speak cause we all can understand each other and give the advice that we all try I like you have pretty much given up on family members when it comes to help emotional I still talk to them but just more or less like friends. I feel as if I am an orphan and that hurts cause I don't like to feel as if I am not wanted or needed. I have always been that if you need me I am there no matter what, but when I have needed them they are gone really to busy nowhere to be found.

I wonder everyday if they ever think of MOM and what about? They don't talk about her in anyway. I really don't talk about her to people I see everyday I feel as if they will think I am a cry baby butI talk about her everday with you guys and my self. I would really like to get to the point of thinking of the great times together. My sisters say that they can not think of too many things that was fun or nice but I will tell you what my MOM always made sure there was food on the table and drinks and what we needed maybe not what we wanted but what we needed. She fought for us.

We all will hang in there and have formed our own family that we all can count on no matter what.

Thanks

Haley

[lorikelly]

I CAN UNDERSTAND ABOUT YOUR FAMILY . MINE DOES NOT SPEAK TO ME AT ALL AND I FEEL LIKE AN ORPHAN. MINE IS SUCH A LONG INVOLVED STORY BUT I DON'T THINK THINGS WILL EVER BE DIFFERENT. MY MOM WAS LIVING WITH US AND WE HAD TO STOP THEM FROM COMING TO OUR HOUSE B/C OF ALL THE PROBLEMS THEY CAUSED. OUR FAMILY HAS ALWAYS HAD PROBLEMS . THEY COULD OF TAKEN MY MOM TO THIER HOUSE TO SPEND TIME WITH HER BUT THEY NEVER DID B/C IT WOULD OF BEEN TO MUCH WORK FOR THEM AND I THINK THEY WERE AFRAID THAT THEY WOULD BE STUCK WITH HER. MY MOM WAS BEDRIDDEN SO YOU HAD TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER AND SHE COULD NOT WALK, MY HUSBAND AND I WOULD PUT HER IN THE CAR AND TAKE HER TO THE DRS SO SHE COULD STILL SEE HER OWN DRS. MY ONE SISTER PROMISED HER THAT SHE WOULD LOOK INTO HER COMING TO STAY WITH HER FOR AWHILE. SHE LIVES IN FLORIDA AND WE LIVE IN NJ. WE WOULD OF RENTED A RV AND DRIVEN HER DOWN AND THEN LET HER STAY FOR AWHILE AND THEN PICKED HER BACK UP BUT THEY NEVER WOULD DO IT. MY MOM COULD NOT SEE THAT THEY DID ANYTHING WRONG AND I WOULD GET SO MAD. I QUESS KNOW I REALIZE THAT IS WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS. I HAVE SO MUCH GUILT ABOUT TIMES WHEN I WOULD GET MAD AT MY MOM EVEN THOUGH I LOVED HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR HER. IT TOOK MY SIBLINGS 4WEEKS BEFORE THEY CAME TO SEE HER IN THE HOME WHEN SHE WAS ON HOSPICE MY ONE BROTHER NEVER CAME. I HAVE TO GET RID OF THIS GUILT OR IT WILL EAT ME UP INSIDE, MY THERAPIST SAYS THEY ARE NOT FEELING GUILT ABOUT ANYTHING. I KNOW MY MOM LOVED ME VERY MUCH THE LAS THING SHE SAID(SHE HAD TO MOUTH IT ME B/D SHE LOST THE ABILITY TO SPEAK) WAS I LOVE YOU TO. SHE TOLD ME IN THE HOME THAT SHE LOVED ME MORE THAN I WILL EVER KNOW. SHE SAID I WOULD ALWAYS BE HER BABY. I TOLD HER I WAS SO AFRAID OF LOSING HER B/C I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH OUT YOU.MY MOM HAS BEEN SICK ALL HER LIFE AND THERE WERE MANY TIMES SHE SHOULDN'T OF MADE IT AND ALWAYS PULLED THROUGH. I THINK I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. I NEVER WANTED TO BELIEVE IT COULD HAPPEN, I THINK PART OF ME WAS MAD AT HER B/C I FELT SHE HAD GIVEN UP. I WANTED HER TO KEEPING FIGHTING AND NOW I KNOW SHE COULDN'T. I AM SORRY IF I AM RAMBLING JUST ALOT OF EMOTIONS FLOWING OUT OF ME. THANKS FOR LISTENING TO ME. I AM HOPING THAT TOMORROW WILL BE A LITLLE BETTER I AM NOT SURE SINCE EVERYDAY SEEMS HORRIBLE. IF ANYONE HAS EVER DEALT WITH GUILT MAYBE THEN CAN TELL ME HOW THEY HANDLED IT. THANSK

[kellymarie]

Lorikelly, I am sorry to hear about your loss and all the complicated issues with your family. Guilt is a very tricky thing with grieving. It definitely cannot be ignored, and it's great that you're here telling your story and confronting your guilt. I think that's a wonderful start to working through your guilt; admitting it's there and being willing to talk about it. I say this because I, too, am working through guilt issues but tried to pretend for the first couple of months that I was “guilt-free.” So I can’t say I’m any good at dealing with guilt. But now that I’ve admitted there are some guilt issues there, I am trying to remember all the situations and how I dealt with them. You say that you had to make a decision to “STOP THEM FROM COMING TO OUR HOUSE B/C OF ALL THE PROBLEMS THEY CAUSED.” I had to make some decisions while Josh was alive that now I have some guilt about. But what I am trying to do is honestly think back to that time when I made those decisions. I was doing what I honestly felt was the best thing to do. Grief clouds and distorts our thinking about past decisions. But try to remember back when you made that decision. It sounds like you only had the absolute best of intentions. It sounds like you were protecting your husband and children from undue harm and additional issues. I am trying to remember that I was making the best decision at the time and with the best of intentions. We’re human and we do the best that we can. Going through these past decisions makes me realize (just yesterday I realized this) how important it is in life do always do exactly what you think is the best decision/plan of action when confronted with an issue, so that you will have no regrets in the future. That’s the best we can do. And from what you have said, it sounds like you did what was the best thing you could do in a bad situation. You were protecting your family, and that is very honorable and loving. It sounds like you prevented bad experiences from happening in your children’s lives. I know it’s so hard but try to be very kind to yourself. I’m not sure if that helps at all but keep telling your stories. I think that helps lessen the guilt. Get it out! Kelly

[shell]

Lorikelly,

I think probably every single person on this site has guilt. As Kellymarie said, we are only human and do the best we can. I have guilt over getting mad at my dad while taking care of him before he died. He kept trying to get out of the bed and I knew he would hurt himself, so a couple of times I yelled at him. Nothing horrible, but enough to make me want to cut my tongue out right after I yelled! I also think anger comes out of fear.

I am now taking care of my mom. She seemed to just quit thinking when my dad died, and I completely understood this, but it has been a year and a half since he passed away and she is not much better. She is also having more memory problems and it scares me to death. I know what you meant about being mad at some level with your mom for not fighting harder. I sometimes feel my mom should try harder, or something, I don't even know exactly. And I get angry, but then feel terribly guilty. I know it's not her fault. I finally made myself realize that this is normal, all these emotions, including anger and guilt, and have let myself of the hook, most of the time anyway! So try to give yourself a break and let go of the guilt. I think it sounds like you did a wonderful job of taking care of your mom and like Kelly said, you did what you thought was best at the time. And you now what? It usually is and you have to have confidence in that. Your love for your mom, and your own family, would be your guide in your decisions and they would be right.

Let your guilt go. You're right, it will eat you up inside, and you don't need that while trying to deal with your grief.

Hugs,

Shell