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Talk about your soulmate...


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I don't want Annette to be forgotten. Her life, her personality.... They still mean everything to me. Alas, there's absolutely no one to talk about her to. No one wants to know. 

But I still need to talk about her, and even if nobody cares or nobody reads about her, I can tell people about how incredible she was in a thread here, and add to it periodically and just talk about her and then I at least am keeping her alive in that small, simple way. And everyone can do the same- tell us about your soulmate, the love of your life. The love that is gone but never to be forgotten: 

Annette was a middle child. Her older sister had the "looks" (even though Annette was far more beautiful to me, and I told her that every day), and her younger brother had all the opportunities because he was the male and had his education paid for and encouraged. Annette never thought she was good enough or deserving. As a teenager, she tried to end her life. It took years to get her to realize how amazing she was and she absolutely was a saint for putting up with me. She stuck with me when I had, essentially a nervous breakdown and walked out of a job after I hit 40. I suppose that a lot of women would leave a husband who was mentally unwell. Just as I would never have thought of leaving her with all of her medical challenges, she stuck by me through major financial ruffage. She was that kind of person. It took years for me to convince her to marry me because she had to be sure that I would be there for her, always- and I always stayed true to her. 

She was so sweet and ....the word that fits is just "cute". Cute as in she was still so childlike- a childlike enthusiasm for learning and she would really GET INTO something when she discovered something new that interested her. It drove me bonkers because if she really liked a song she would play it on repeat several times (luckily with headphones). She was so gullible. I was mean and I would tell her crazy stories or headlines like they were news (of course with the way things are now....it's not easy to tell if something is completely made up anymore) and she would always believe me. I found it so endearing that she had that side of her that was so wide-eyed and trusting. I didn't mean to lie to her, I just thought she was so cute when she was processing something....like, wait....no that can't be true...is it? 

 

 

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1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I don't want Annette to be forgotten. Her life, her personality.... They still mean everything to me.

👍 love that!

This is a brilliant thread to start - thx nashreed 🙏😁

I’m gonna collect my thoughts and write something in a separate post in this thread.

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Thanks for sharing your Annette with us, she sounds amazing. I can sense the love you had for each other and the love you have for her still 💗

My Michael was what I call a quality man. He had a good heart, was incredibly kind, had strong morals and integrity, and was fiercely loyal. We meet on a telephone dating system. We chatted for weeks before meeting, and when we did we were like magnets. We stuck together and were inseparable.

I was a single mom when we met, my choice as I made the wise decision to leave an abusive marriage. He was so supportive and understanding, even stood up to my ex for me, calling him out on his behaviours. Amazingly that shifted things and the ex wasn’t as involved in my life after that. We lived separately as we dated for 9 years as I didn’t want to disrupt my daughter’s life by changing her living situation yet again. Our dating life was fabulous, we had ups and downs, worked through them and built a strong bond of love. And he became a friend and step-dad to my daughter, helping her when she went through what she would call ‘boys-are-dumb’ stage.

Sadly, when we married and began living together I could see changes in him. I didn’t know it then, but mental illness got its hooks in him and things got complicated very fast. I wanted him to have the most amazing life and for us to have a harmonious marriage but that wasn’t to be. I stood by him, and would still be doing so, supporting him in every way I could. Friends would casually say, “If you make a decision and need a place to go I’m here for you,” basically telling me to leave him. I loved him, why would I leave just because he had an illness. If he had cancer, diabetes or a thyroid condition I be there for him, so why is a mental illness any different.

My Michael was the best. He was so creative and funny, he could always make me laugh. God I miss that 😞 He helped me become a better version of myself, and for that I’m so thankful.

 

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Your Michael sounds like a great man. I think all of us here can agree that our soulmates we're the better part of us. Annette put up with so much from me. I was selfish a lot of the time but she was a saint. I miss laughing and more importantly, making her laugh. There was nothing better than making her laugh (by often thinking of the most disgusting, off the wall things I could think of). I loved to think of different nicknames and pet names to call her. The best times....

I just feel that if we can get to know our lost loved ones better, than they are kept alive in a way. Talking about them, in a way makes them members of the Forum and we can have a place where they "live on", if only on the internet. 

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3 hours ago, nashreed said:

all of us here can agree that our soulmates we're the better part of us.

 

5 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

helped me become a better version of myself, and for that I’m so thankful.

I couldn't have said it better. That is exactly it! I agree with BoHo, this is a fantastic new thread, I have always been the reserved type but I feel comfortable talking to you all here. I will have to gather my thoughts a little, before I say something, but overall, I want to say that before I met my soulmate (I was 27,never had a 'real' serious boyfriend before), I practically lived my boring life with my eyes closed, and then this prince charming came along and opened my eyes to the world, inspiring me, helping me to finally gain confidence in myself. 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

He was so creative and funny, he could always make me laugh. God I miss that

Boho-soul this was my loved one....the world has become an empty and boring place without him!

I always expect to hear again his laugh..to come back to life!

God i miss that too!!!

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This is indeed a beautiful thread!  Thank you for starting it!

I loved my husband's eagerness, he had so much zest for life!  (Another reason I couldn't wrap my head around how he could be dead!)

He always reminded me of a puppy wagging it's tail.  He was my idea person, the one who would jump out of bed and say, "Let's go to the coast!"  or "Let's go to town and see our friends..." or whatever...I was always willing to go with him and enjoy the day.  He'd do what he could on Fridays while I was working so it'd free up our Saturdays to go do stuff.  I don't feel I've truly lived since.  Not like we had anyway..

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I so loved everything about Annette and she made me a better person- a person that I didn't think I could ever be. 

Her work ethic was amazing. I met Annette when I was a lazy, awkward, shy 18 year old. I got a job at Taco Bell because I had been out of high school a year (I got a GED because I never graduated high school. I barely attended classes- they didn't care, except for the school counselor, who made me miss classes because he wanted to chat all the time- finding me "interesting" but not ever helping solve my malaise) and my Aunt suggested that I stop being a layabout. She was the shift leader and she initiated contact with me outside of work by calling me at home on the pretext of telling me that I really sucked at the job, but she wanted to help me improve. She thought I was a wise "guru" because I didn't talk. I was really just hopelessly inept at people skills and I had zero coordination. I got a lot better with confidence because of her- and I became really good at being the drive-thru cashier. I was great at rushing cars out of there with my limited verbage, but I never got better at making orders. Couldn't wrap a burrito properly- still can't. But her kind heart saved my job as she took me under her wing (because she had a crush on me). I was unbelievably skinny and had a neck longer than an emu's, but I figure she knew that I was "the one", somehow. She was always right. Just as she was right when she tried and tried to dissuade me from marrying her because she knew that she wouldn't have a long life. It didn't matter to me-- I was obsessed. 

It's amazing how hard we worked in our 20's. We moved to Tulsa, OK because she hated the desert and how brown our town was. She loved "Green Country", what they call Northeast Oklahoma. We both had two jobs during the 90's, struggling to make it. Without her, I never would have gotten my "dream job" which was just to work in a CD/music store. With her confidence in me, I would eventually be able to be a store manager (albeit at the lowest volume store in a dying mall). I owe all of the ambition and drive I had to her. I just wish she was able to get her dream career- being a proofreader or editor or anything to do with writing or printing. A couple of years before she passed, she got a job at the Tulsa World newspaper- which she was so happy about. Even if it was just in subscriptions and telephone customer service, she was thrilled. Even when she was in a wheelchair after her amputation, and her weight was getting seriously out of control, and she was legally blind and needed special equipment (magnifiers and such), her work ethic remained. She did not want to just be on disability (I'm fine with it- people scare me). Unfortunately, on her first day of training, she had a "Woogy" day- if she didn't have at least a couple of good nights with the CPAP under her belt, and her kidneys weren't clearing the opioids she was dependent on, she would get sleepy and out of it. This time was particularly bad and she was nodding off in class and really unable to stay alert. It was terribly heartbreaking when they called to tell her not to come back. She still wanted to work so bad, even up to the end. I think about it a lot- even now, if she was still alive, I still wouldn't let her go back to a workplace because of COVID. She needed the human interaction and enjoyed camaraderie with workmates. I wish I had been more of a talker or had been more than just me for her. I always had to have "Me Time", listening to music. Even with her, I couldn't always stay engaged and chatty. I always disconnect at some point, and withdraw. She always put up with me. I don't know how. 

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10 hours ago, nashreed said:

she made me a better person- a person that I didn't think I could ever be. 

Yes, that's exactly it,how I understand you. In fact, I don't know who I am anymore, I can't possibly go back to being  the person I was before we married, I was nearly thirty years younger than. My kids are now nearly the same age I was when I first met my beautiful husband. He really was beautiful when we met, the most charming, handsome man I'd ever met with such gentlemanly manners, I just couldn't believe he was real,  dressed very well too. I felt a bit too 'simple' for his liking, but I was wrong.  All the girls were after him, he had had many past broken   relationships, unlike me, and he said that in me, he'd finally found a 'natural' down-to-earth person, we really did 'click' soon, we were at the same stage in our lives,where we just wanted to settle down finally and start a family. We had both started thinking about the sad possibility of perhaps ending up being single forever. I remember one episode  when we'd just met, (and he would always remind me of this, teasingly, lovingly) we said goodbye and he added: "OK, see you then". I was  the timid, shy type at the time, but something in him just made me feel so much at ease and comfortable, as if we'd known each other for years, and to my surprise, I asked him: "Well, how can I see you without even a phone number?". He smiled his wonderful smile I now always have in my mind, and handed me his business card, which also had his private home address, phone number and mobile. I thought "Wow", I thought he had just said those words, just to be polite (I had no confidence in myself at the time). I still treasure that card in my wallet, he loved that I still carried it around with me, i always will. I just miss him so much more each and every single day of my life, his dynamic vivacity gave our house so much happiness, he was always suggesting to go places, do things, buy new furniture, clothes, always paid so much attention to dressing well. He  loved variety, couldn't keep still, always had to have something to keep him occupied, the most intelligent person I've ever met. He helped me come out of my shell, he believed in me. Now, I feel so guilty that I can't be or  do all this for my two grownup kids, thankfully they're old enough to organise their own social lives. 

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I had to smile when you said, "neck like an emu"...yet SHE saw something in you, and went for it!  I'm so glad she did!  

V.R., my husband wasn't "the most intelligent" there ever was, but he was wise in his own right.  And God how I miss him.

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This is a fantastic topic. I feel we can all relate to this.  I essentially had to “pull the plug” on my wife, and honestly the ER doctor at the time seemed almost flippant about it.  He was very adamant about “yeah, there is not much we can really do” only minures after she has been revived once. Perhaps it was my perception but it felt like he was saying “let’s get on with this because I have a lot to do right now”. 
My exact words tk him were: “Let’s think about this. Because to us (my family), she is a somebody.”

My one pledge to my wife is that her memory lives on. Not just in my heart, but that others know about her.  I feel it’s the greatest thing to do. 
Side note: for those unaware, I am soon starting a life of 100% serving others in her name as I mourn her. Admittedly, as a latent effect I myself hope to be able to touch other people through her.  

In the months after she passed, all I wanted to do was talk about her. Unfortunately my family and her friends for some reason did not share this. I have good relationships with all of them (no issues or “drama” with anyone) but it became abundantly clear that they just had no interest in talking about her, to the point some of those relationships have kind of dissolved.  I also don’t feel it was me being over zealous in wanting to talk about her, in that I would tell them “I’m sorry if it seems I want to talk about her too much but it’s therapeutic for me” followed by “okay. No problem. So what else is going on?” type responses. 😞

This is when I concluded, one has to experience this to truly understand.  
So I joined local a “Widow club”. Unfortunately they shut down during Covid saying they had no place to meet (have since started up) but I have yet to attend any meetings or talk to anyone. I was a little put off as I offered to host meeting at my house (I live in a large house centrally located, that could easily host a large group). One person who feels they speak for everyone shot that down, and I was unable to propose it to the larger group so was a bit put off, but they are meeting again and plan to attend soon. 

Anyway, I love the idea of this thread. To keep my posts more succinct I will follow up with trying to describe my wife as well as an idea I would like to get all of your thoughts on. 

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Along this topic I would love your feedback.
As I plan to try and engage myself with the local “Widow/Widowers club”… I am considering proposing something to them and ask for you to “pretend” you are in the club and I what your thoughts are (please be candid with your answers).  

Seeing as many/most of us have the desire to talk about their lost loved one, I like the idea of having a monthly (or some interval) of “(Loved one’s name) Memory Night”. 
The idea is for each person willing to host dinner/gathering at their residence where the theme of the night is to learn more about the loved one.  
As an example. I’m happy to host the first one. I would:
1. Serve a variety of dishes that was among her favorites. 
2.  Give the guests a tour of our house and show some of my wife’s favorite items.  She was very proud of our house and often held dinner parties with her friends. While I would be out of the way, she loved showing many items she collected (China, vases,  ornaments from over the world, etc.)
3.  Decorate the house with pictures of her, and again just theme the gathering in her memory. 
4. Have a set list of stories about her to hopefully entertain the guests, etc. 

I think she would LOVE the idea of me hosting people here, showing her prized possessions, and simply allow her to be the center of attention for the gathering.   The next person could do somethng similar and host a gathering where we learn about their loved one. And we do this round-Robin  

To that end, I did propose this to my  kids, and it was hard to truly gauge their thoughts. 

Again. I would love your candid thoughts on this idea. Is it something, given the opportunity, you would engage in?
Thanks!

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The best way I can describe my dearly departed wife: the sweetest person many people will tell you they ever met.  

To a degree we were ying/yang. 
I grew up in an extremely unsheltered environment, on my own since a young age.  No one helped with anything and I am completely self-made. With that, I developed a bit of “edge” about me.  
My wife on the other hand, grew up quite wealthy.  Very much sheltered (unable to even date until she was 17). 

To put it in perspective, when we moved in together , I moved from a fraternity house and she moved from her parents house. 

So I was much more “worldly” than her, but she was much more moral and pure of heart than I am.  In other words she was pure CLASS. 

She was also a social butterfly.  When we got married, I pretty much dedicated myself to her and our family. That being I rarely ever went out with friends, trios with the guys etc. 
She on the other hand was able to maiming always being there for us, while having a SLEW of friends she managed close relationships with.  

As for looks, she was absolutely stunning and way out of my league. I just got lucky. She was very petite but still very “curvy”. Guys in my days would refer to her type as “little miracles”.  She was 5’ 1”, and When she got pregnant had our first child she was right at 100lbs.  

She was also the ultimate optimist and one of the most positive persons you could ever meet. Due to her being publicly known by a large group of people she had a strong social media precense.  Mainly on Facebook and Instagram. (Two things I never even used).  She would sometimes make videos that were watched worldwide. I remember once,
my daughter came to me and asked if I could talk to my wife about not using my daughters name or talking about her daily activities as all her friends parents were watching my wife’s videos and it would get back to my daughter, and her being that age embarrassed her.  
My wife also had those “verified” things on different social media platforms so people knew it was really her accounts, and did indeed keep them updated with no assistants or anything like that. 
I
ronically, I did not watch a single Facebook or Instagram video. I was living it so just never bothered. Since her passing I cannot bring myself to watch anything. 

She battled health conditions unlike anyone I’ve ever even heard of the last 6-7 years of her life. While publicly she kept a “brave face”, privately it really got to her. I let it be known, that I was there for her to use as an outlet, and indeed was often the victim of her wrath or the person for he to take things out on. 
This is something we openly talked about.  After she might blow up at me, she would say “I’m sorry. You are my husband though so that is your job to be the one I take frustration out on”. In all candor I agreed and she always knew that I could take anything and my love for her would never ever waiver.  

One of my fondest memories of her?
She had spent over 11 months straight in a hospital over 500 miles from where we lived. She was SO excited to be coming back home.  The next morning when she woke up, she woke me up my holding my hand, and I can really feel her spirit spirit telling me how happy she was to be back together, and we just laid there (here) for the next hour gently massaging/holding each other’s hand with no talking.  

She also accomplished most things she set out to from a young age. While she had opportunities to meet/be interviewed by many famous people, she did decline most of it, simply so she could keep a level or privacy and in all candor control the public narrative pertaining to her. 
However the ONE person she always wanted to meet and never was able to us Oprah Winfrey. Ha ha. She would often say Oprah was her female crush in that she really looked up to her as a person and seemed to gravitate to her as someone she looked up to. 

So…in a single word to describe her: “sweet” both outwardly and more important m, inwardly.  She touched a LOT of peoples’ lives…but none like mine.  I miss her dearly and she earned the right to be remembered. 

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Here is my opinion and not meant to offend as I know this idea comes from your heart. What you are describing sounds like a party atmosphere or maybe an "open house". I doubt that most who are grieving(especially in the early months) would be receptive to this. During the first couple of years, I was a disaster. Of course, I had lost my daughter a year after my husband so my grief was a bit more complicated. I would not have wanted to open my home to those who really weren't friends, much less provide food and entertainment. Not everyone lives in an environment that would accommodate a lot of people. A lot depends on the dynamics of your Widow/Widowers group.

I hope you get many varied responses to this to help you with your decision.

Take care

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3 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

... host dinner/gathering at their residence where the theme of the night is to learn more about the loved one.  
As an example. I’m happy to host the first one. I would:
1. Serve a variety of dishes that was among her favorites. 
2.  Give the guests a tour of our house and show some of my wife’s favorite items.  She was very proud of our house and often held dinner parties with her friends. While I would be out of the way, she loved showing many items she collected (China, vases,  ornaments from over the world, etc.)
3.  Decorate the house with pictures of her, and again just theme the gathering in her memory. 
4. Have a set list of stories about her to hopefully entertain the guests, etc. 

I think she would LOVE the idea of me hosting people here, showing her prized possessions, and simply allow her to be the center of attention for the gathering.

From your past posts I gathered you are quite well off financially, so doing this would be nothing. You have the funds and the large home that allows for parties and socializing. Most people are not in a position to throw a themed party to celebrate their loves ones.

I can’t help but think how this sounds like an opportunity to flaunt - I mean, serve a variety of dishes (who has the energy to cook when grieving, never mind the cost), give guests a tour of your house - really? How palatial is you home? Show off prized possessions? Again, really? To what purpose? Yes they may have meaning to you, but if I attended such a gathering those possessions (china, vases etc.) would just be items that speak of affluence and wealth. I live a comfortable life, and my late husband had a high-end sports car, but I would never think of showing it off or giving them a house tour of my modest home if I was hosting a grief group gathering.

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It might seem off-putting to some who don't have your ability.  Normally they have a neutral place that takes care of that.  Also, if a monthly requirement, some might not feel comfortable with that.

Everything else you shared, I get.  Your beautiful memories with your wife!  I'm also tiny, but not that tiny!  I was 120.5 after having given birth to two children and nursed for most of four years, at 5' 1/2".  I thought that small!  I'm 110 now but having aged, I guess that's to be expected. 

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7 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

She was 5’ 1”, and When she got pregnant had our first child she was right at 100lbs.

30 minutes ago, kayc said:

I was 120.5 after having given birth to two children and nursed for most of four years, at 5' 1/2

I’m tiny too, only 5’1” and consistent at 104 lbs. I only gained 14 lbs when pregnant, it was all baby though as my daughter was 7lbs 7oz. People used to say I looked like a pregnant Q-tip. 

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Thank you for your candid responses. Perhaps my intent is not aligned with the proposed event so I try to consider other ideas.  I just think in terms of “what do I feel would help me and possibly others?” I would love nothing more than to engage myself with other widowers, where perhaps we meet for breakfast once a month, discuss our loved ones, cry about or losses together, and just be there to support one another.  That is my intent.  
Certainly not to flaunt or “show off” anything.  To the degree, I am literally getting rid of everything save for necessities (bed, TV, laptop, etc).  
And, no. I don’t consider myself “well off”.  We started from a one bedroom apartment and moved our way up in 25 years to eventually procure our dream home, but I worked hard for that.  Frankly it was because of her that inspired me to achieve what I have. In all candor I am just incredibly blessed I hit the workforce the same six months the “.com boom” hit, and have always been grateful for this stroke of luck.  Yes, I live in a large house, but when we purchased it, there were four of us, with continued relatives relatives/guests staying with us plus let’s, etc so we made use of our spade.  
Now I have not even been upstairs in over a year. I work from home and don’t even use my office but instead woke out of a corner in my bedroom, which hardly leave.  
So again, I apologize was misconstrued, and it shows me I just need to seek other ways to somehow achieve my intent here. 
thanks. 

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53 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

I would love nothing more than to engage myself with other widowers, where perhaps we meet for breakfast once a month, discuss our loved ones, cry about or losses together, and just be there to support one another.  That is my intent.

This is way different than the purposed club you outlined before. This ideas sounds like it would be supportive for all and a great way to create new friendships.

59 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

And, no. I don’t consider myself “well off”.

I only stated you appeared ‘well off’ based on what you wrote in past posts - you mentioned your home was 3500 sq ft and full of stuff, that you make good money due to your position, and that you recently got a new job making more than you ever had. I guess it all boils down to perspective. And please know that I don’t want to dismiss all the hard work and effort you and your late wife put in during your 25 years together to build the life you had.

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Understood.  I feel blessed more than anything.  Part of my challenge now is I no longer need much if—anything material we obtained over the years.  I don’t mind saying my wife was indeed “high-maintenance”, and myself much more simplistic, but was driven to make her happy. What l drove me for nearly 30 years is making her proud of me, in assisting with making the goals and dreams we set as young adults in to a reality.  Now that we did that, she is gone.  
The greatest fear I have simply falling apart.  I have struggled to find purpose now that I am no longer “needed” by anyone. My children, close in age left the house the week after she passed so it was extremely difficult for me, and lost all direction. 
 

Boho I will share with you (and everyone reading) I was in a leadership position with a well-knock company.  In the months following, after my bereavement leave, I never went back. I essentially went MIA 

I stopped paying all bills. Utilities were being shut off, I allowed my home to go in to foreclosure (which I ultimately got out of) and none of it was due to finances.  It was due to me simply no longer caring about anything, and it is an incredibly sad, dark place to be. i was never suicidal, due to my spiritual beliefs, but just didn’t care about living  nor dying, let alone daily responsibilities/activities  I was literally just waiting to die—which of course I knew was extremely abnormal—but it was indeed my state.

Fortunately, my son moved back home, I was able to find another position, and bring myself back to society so to speak.

I consider the positives here;  I was essentially forced in to doing a LOT of soul-searching in to why I exist now, and what it is I truly want out of my remaining years.  This is when I concluded I want to drop out of the “rat-race” and utilize my desire to leverage anything I can to help others, and position myself in a culture where I can do this to my fullest. 
Hopefully this gives some insight in to where I’ve been and currently am. 🙂

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Thx for sharing more of your story Sad Widower.

I can understand and relate to the mental shut-down. My husband was in an accident exactly 5 weeks prior to his death, so I accessed my Critical Family Illness benefits and was on leave from work. When he passed my work just put me on medical leave. I’m so thankful for that as I would probably be MIA as well due to shock settling in and lingering for months. I’m currently in LTD now while I work through the trauma of witnessing his death, plus his accident (I arrived at the accident scene and was with him in the trauma unit).

I so glad your son was able to come home and be with you, bring you back to the land-of-the-living as they say. Although I’m not sure if I’m totally there yet myself. It really is great that your soul-searching has helped you find a new life purpose. It’s inspiring to hear 😊

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13 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

I stopped paying all bills. Utilities were being shut off, I allowed my home to go in to foreclosure (which I ultimately got out of) and none of it was due to finances.  It was due to me simply no longer caring about anything, and it is an incredibly sad, dark place to be. i was never suicidal, due to my spiritual beliefs, but just didn’t care about living  nor dying, let alone daily responsibilities/activities

How long have you been on this journey now?  It took me a number of years to find purpose!  In the earlier time, it was enough just to do what I had to do.  I lost my job the first year and had six months to find another one or possibly lose my home, I had no $, tons of medical bills coming in!  I found a job in 5 1/2 months, but it meant commuting.  Those were hard times.  I just remember my daughter looking over my shoulder at my excel spreadsheet budget after George died...she watched me delete his salary across the monthly columns, and all the red totals appear, and she said, "Don't worry, Mom.  God's going to take care of you, He's always taken care of me."  And He has.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's his birthday today. 

IMG_20220717_071836.thumb.jpg.70571fb4dd10f132c2b3361d491c6968.jpg

I came across this song (Faith Hill). The title: 'You're still here", echoes the words I keep repeating to my beloved over and over again. I'll never let go of him. 

Happy birthday my love. 

 

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Faith Hill was one of our favorites as one of our top songs was "Breathe."  This is beautiful, thank you for sharing.

Happy Birthday to your husband...

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