I want to know if I will survive, because I have to

[weaksoul]

16 hours ago, MartyT said:

We are holding you in our hearts and lifting you in our prayers, dear one. You are not alone. ❤️

Thank you Marty for your prayers. You have such a kind and beautiful soul. I am in debt to you for providing this platform. It's providing life/hope to people like me who would have perished otherwise. God bless you!!!
Regards! 

[weaksoul]

Dear friends, please pray for me. I am hurting crazy bad today. It constantly feels like I don't belong here and then at times becomes overwhelming.

[MartyT]

[kayc]

Praying for you...

[Widow2015]

weaksoul: Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  Dee

[kayc]

Haven't heard from you in a couple of days, I know better than to ask how you are but want to anyway...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  The early days are tough, it will get better someday, I promise, not like it was, it never will be that, but better anyway.

[weaksoul]

On 8/3/2023 at 7:08 PM, MartyT said:

Thank you Marty, appreciate it a lot. Regards!

[weaksoul]

On 8/4/2023 at 8:36 AM, Widow2015 said:

weaksoul: Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  Dee

Thank you Dee, you are so kind! Regards!

[weaksoul]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Haven't heard from you in a couple of days, I know better than to ask how you are but want to anyway...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  The early days are tough, it will get better someday, I promise, not like it was, it never will be that, but better anyway.

Hi Kayc, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. And thank you for checking on me. I am doing a bit better (kids are home and I am enjoying there presence) today but the last couple of days were tough. 
Thank you for the encouragement, I a hoping it will become manageable and less intense as the time progresses.
God bless you and God bless all us all with his comfort and peace. Sincere Regards!

[kayc]

I'm so glad you have your kids there!  They are such a blessing.  Enjoy your time with them.  I miss my kids visiting, they only come once every few years.

[weaksoul]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm so glad you have your kids there!  They are such a blessing.  Enjoy your time with them.  I miss my kids visiting, they only come once every few years.

Yes, kids are a blessing, they are feeding me life. Thank you so much. Though they are quite young at the moment but I feel sad to think of the time when they grow up and get busy with their own life. Hopefully God will give me the comfort and peace in that time.  

[kayc]

I miss that.  My son was in the Air Force and my daughter grown when my George died, Melissa stayed with me a few months, I thank God for that.  I was lost, you know?

[weaksoul]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I miss that.  My son was in the Air Force and my daughter grown when my George died, Melissa stayed with me a few months, I thank God for that.  I was lost, you know?

Being a widowed parent is such a difficult situation, I am not sure what's better whether to have young kids or the grown up kids. While young kids give you a purpose to live but at the same time it adds so much pressure. I am constantly worried "what if something happens to me"?

[MartyT]

35 minutes ago, weaksoul said:

I am constantly worried "what if something happens to me"?

If you are constantly worried about this, you can be sure that your kids are worried about it, too. When young kids lose one of their parents, it is only natural for them to wonder (whether they say so or not) what will happen to them if the other parent dies. They need reassurance from you that you are in good health, that you will do all you can to be careful and stay healthy, and that there will always be someone there to take care of them if something happens to you (assuming all of that is true). Are there grandparents or other relatives in your family whom you would trust to be there for your children if you became ill or incapacitated? Have you talked with an attorney / estate planner about this? Is your will up to date? See Planning For Your Child’s Care in the Case of Death or Disability  ❤️

[kayc]

I think the best way to relieve that pressure/stress is to prepare...get documentation and plans in place. Do you have parents or a sibling that would serve as guardian in the event something should happen? Get a will drawn up with clear plans, we had this when we were raising our kids.

Having gone through this with your husband, you are aware that it is a real possibility...unlikely, but real nonetheless.  Talk to family members and find a good lawyer.  I'm fortunate, my neighbor Iris does this as a service for our community, low cost and walks us through it, even has a notary on hand.

[weaksoul]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

If you are constantly worried about this, you can be sure that your kids are worried about it, too. When young kids lose one of their parents, it is only natural for them to wonder (whether they say so or not) what will happen to them if the other parent dies. They need reassurance from you that you are in good health, that you will do all you can to be careful and stay healthy, and that there will always be someone there to take care of them if something happens to you (assuming all of that is true). Are there grandparents or other relatives in your family whom you would trust to be there for your children if you became ill or incapacitated? Have you talked with an attorney / estate planner about this? Is your will up to date? See Planning For Your Child’s Care in the Case of Death or Disability  ❤️

Thank you Marty, I haven't really thought about legal implications incase something happens to me. I will take your message as wakeup call and start working on it.

However, I do trust my brother to take care of my kids if something happens to me. We have been good brothers all life long. I have some assurance that they will be good hands. But I think I need to just start taking care of myself....
Thanks so much Marty, appreciate your support and guidance. Best regards! God bless you!

[weaksoul]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I think the best way to relieve that pressure/stress is to prepare...get documentation and plans in place. Do you have parents or a sibling that would serve as guardian in the event something should happen? Get a will drawn up with clear plans, we had this when we were raising our kids.

Having gone through this with your husband, you are aware that it is a real possibility...unlikely, but real nonetheless.  Talk to family members and find a good lawyer.  I'm fortunate, my neighbor Iris does this as a service for our community, low cost and walks us through it, even has a notary on hand.

Thank you Kay, appreciate your thoughts and guidance. Yes, I am quite positive that my brother will serve as the guardian. However, I haven't worked on the legal aspect of it. I will get started on it. Thanks much again. Regards!
God bless you!!!

[MartyT]

Help and support is available at the National Widowers’ Organization and The Men's Grief Network.

 

Raising Children After the Loss of a Spouse

Thursday, August 24, 2023,  8:30 pm Eastern Time (US and Canada)

Call it, "Solo Parenting," "Survival Parenting," or "Mr. Mom," there is little doubt the loss of a spouse disrupts a household and presents extraordinary challenges to widowers who must deal with their grief and the grief and loss felt by their children. Serving as the single parent adds other challenges to managing schedules and the household alone. AJ Coleman, Adam Larson, and Joe Walko – all widowers who went through this experience – will be the panelists with Ken Levy moderating the discussion regarding raising children alone. Each of them will share their experience dealing with an infant, several young children, and teenagers in this situation.

Register for this free session in advance HERE.

[weaksoul]

Thank you Marty, I have signed up for this session. Kind regards!!! 

[weaksoul]

Hi all, just want to confirm if I am on the right trajectory and not going crazy, it's been almost 5 months and there hasn't been a single moment where I haven't missed my wife. It's non-stop and I am longing for her to be back. Please advise if it's expected. 

[MartyT]

You are still very early in your grief, my friend, and the shock of losing your beloved is only just beginning to wear off. With every passing day, you're becoming more and more aware of all that you have lost.

As Litsa Williams writes in Secondary Loss -- one loss isn't enough??!! :

Quote

When we experience death the grief associated with the loss itself is excruciating.  There are the obvious things we “expect” (though it is hard to describe anything with grief as expected).  In the immediate, the pain of the loss can be all-consuming.  But in the weeks and months that follow there can be a sense that we are losing even more than just that person.  The world turns upside down and suddenly it feels like everything is changing or disappearing.
This snowball effect stems from the fact that death does not just create a single hole in one’s life.  Instead, the loss can impact many areas of one’s life, creating multiple losses from that “primary loss”.  Though it is easy to think that our grief is solely the grief of losing the person we cared for so deeply, our grief is also the pain of the other losses that were a result of the death.  You will hear these losses referred to as “secondary losses”, not in the sense that their impact is secondary, but rather that they are a secondary result of the primary loss.

Examples of secondary loss might include the loss of your role as a husband, loss of self confidence, loss of a sense of life's purpose, loss of hope for the future, loss of your dreams for the future ~ and so on.

Like all the rest of us coping with significant loss, you are in the process of coming to an understanding of the death of your wife and the enormous impact it has had, and will continue to have, on your life. After a death like this, there is no getting back to normal, dear one. Over time, as you gradually sort through all of this and come to terms with it, a "new normal” begins to take shape ~ but the missing of your beloved doesn't end with the passage of time, and the actual process of grief is never really finished, despite anyone else’s attempts to rush you through it. 

I'm sharing with you an important insight written by author and hospice pioneer Christine Longaker. Note that it happened two years into her grief at losing her beloved husband ~ and you are only at the five-month mark:

Quote

Instead of letting go of our attachment as we grieve, we can make the mistake of grasping on to the deceased person even more strongly. Halfway through the second year after my husband's death, the cycles of intense pain and sadness were continuing, and I felt a fresh fear that my grief would never finish. Part of me wanted to ignore this intense pain returning month after month, to push it down and avoid it all together. Yet I suspected that repressing my own pain would not help in the long run either, so I decided to bring more awareness to my situation. I asked myself if I was doing anything that might be prolonging the mourning process. 
Then I uncovered the secret thoughts I was generating each time I felt deep sadness and pain: I can't live without you. I hate being alone. I want you back. There was so much grasping in my mind, so many wishes that could never be satisfied! If I continued to think and feel this way, I realized, there would be no end to my grief and despair. It was clear that I needed to replace my grasping with a new way of thinking: I am letting you go and wishing you well. I am going to survive and be strong. I am going to make a new life for myself. When I felt the deep pain and sadness rising again, I began practicing letting go in this way. After a few months of taking this approach, my process of mourning finished [Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide To The Emotional and Spiritual Care Of The Dying, p. 168.] 

 

[kayc]

It's totally to be expected. I miss mine every day.  With time you will grow more accustomed to the changes it's meant for your life. For instance, we always got groceries together, made a day of it, we have 100 mile round trip to the store so we'd go get pizza and visit friends and get groceries on the way home.  I'd eagle eye the cashier and he'd bag the groceries.  After he died it was so hard, my daughter went and got them. And when I did try again, I'd see all these old couples together, it'd about kill me!  Now I'm more used to it but every once in a while it hits me in the gut when I see an old couple in love and doing what we did...

[weaksoul]

15 hours ago, MartyT said:

You are still very early in your grief, my friend, and the shock of losing your beloved is only just beginning to wear off. With every passing day, you're becoming more and more aware of all that you have lost.

As Litsa Williams writes in Secondary Loss -- one loss isn't enough??!! :

Quote

Dear Marty, thank you so much for providing a detailed insight into what's going on inside me. Thanks for all the reference materials and citations. As you said there will be a "New Normal" forming inside me, I am hoping I will be able to accept this "new-normal" and build my life around it. I am leaning on the Almighty now to give me the strength and courage to stay positive and get through this intense pain. 

Thank you so much again for your support and guidance on this journey through grief. God bless you!!! 

[MartyT]

❤️

[weaksoul]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

It's totally to be expected. I miss mine every day.  With time you will grow more accustomed to the changes it's meant for your life. For instance, we always got groceries together, made a day of it, we have 100 mile round trip to the store so we'd go get pizza and visit friends and get groceries on the way home.  I'd eagle eye the cashier and he'd bag the groceries.  After he died it was so hard, my daughter went and got them. And when I did try again, I'd see all these old couples together, it'd about kill me!  Now I'm more used to it but every once in a while it hits me in the gut when I see an old couple in love and doing what we did...

Dear Kay, thank you for giving me the hope and assurance that this path is walkable. And at the same time I am sorry for your pain as well. May God bless you with peace and comfort.