I want to know if I will survive, because I have to

[weaksoul]

Hi all, I am here because my grief runs deep and I don't know if survival is a possibility. Looking for advice on how to maneuver in this time and I want to know if there's hope for me.  I lost my wife recently to an accident. We were married for 16 years. The one and only love of my life. I am 48 years old.  I have two young kids a 14 year and an 8 year old. My world is all shattered. It's been close to 4 months and my heart has been churning nonstop. I made it thru these months hoping that I will start to feel bit better. But it hasn't happened yet. It feels like there is a Knife going thru my heart and it's ripping it out. I want her back so bad...

My family was everything for me. All my pleasures were rooted in seeing smiles on the face of my kids and my wife. Now that life is all gone. All I see is suffering. I am well informed on the spiritual aspect of the life. I know GOD is out there and everything is predestined. And he will never leave you broken forever. But I am having so much hard time accepting this loss.

I was working so hard to give my kids the best life and raise them to be the best human beings who can make a difference in the world around them. However, at the moment, just attending to the kids is painful let alone taking care of them and working with them to give them a successful life. Luckily my kids are strong and are coping much healthier than I expected.  I am feeling like I am the worst dad on this planet. As I can't give them the strength and support they need from me at the moment. I want to know if there is any hope for me, will it ever get better...I want to know if I will survive, because I have to (for my kids). Please advise. 

[mik]

There is always hope. Talk about your wife. Celebrate her life through your children.  Make a memorial to her that you can visit and talk to her on the occasions that you feel you can't go on.  Journal about your lives together through the tears. I am so sorry for your loss.

[kayc]

I was 52, my husband had just turned 51, he died Father's Day 2005.  My kids were grown, my son in the service, my daughter came home to stay with me for a few months, I don't know what I'd have done without her, she followed me around with food and water.  In those early days/months it is hard to think, let alone do what has to be done...just at a time you're needed to make decisions and do a lot!  My heart goes out to you, and to anyone going through this.  It's the beginning of a lifelong grief journey for it has a beginning but no ending, but don't let that panic you, it evolves and does get easier to manage as we hone our coping skills and get through the worst of it.  What helps me is the love and connection we always had, it carries me still, even in my old age.  They may be memories, but life carrying ones...
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[weaksoul]

Thank you Mik and Kayc for your positive thoughts and concerns. And thank you Kayc for sharing the tips on making thru grief. I have read a few books on it, it all made sense but applying it to your life is extremely difficult. Nothing feels right, every small chore feels like a monstrous task, every moment feels like eternity, every breath is full of pain. When I am sitting inside, I feel like I have to get out in the open and then when I walk out I want to be indoors. 

All I want to do is talk about her, talk about how unbearable it is. But the family/friends around me have got tired of it. I can't express any of this to the kids. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. Thanks again for your support, I hope I will make some friends here who can listen to and understand my pain. May God bless you.

[MartyT]

16 hours ago, weaksoul said:

Looking for advice on how to maneuver in this time and I want to know if there's hope for me.

Hello my friend, and welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. It's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place ~ and the very fact that you are "looking for advice on how to maneuver in this time" is evidence that you will survive. Oftentimes the hardest part of managing grief is to acknowledge that you are in need of help.

While it doesn't seem like it now, I can assure you that yes, there IS hope for you and your family, because you are NOT ALONE. There is a vast array of resources available to you, as long as you're willing to look for and reach out to them. One extremely valuable resource, in fact, even carries the title, Open to Hope ~ "a non-profit with the mission of helping people find hope after loss" ~ and I urge you to visit their website, https://www.opentohope.com/.

See also Soaring Spirits International, ~ whose "innovative peer-based grief support programs for widowed men and women serve a worldwide population. Based on the powerful connections created by shared experience, we endeavor to ensure that no one need grieve alone."  I encourage you to take some time to explore the many programs offered there, at https://soaringspirits.org/.

You'll find links to many more such resources listed here: Resources for Young Widow(er)s ~ including the peer support program Widower to Widower whose volunteers are widowers themselves and stand ready to contact you and offer individualized support.

As a single dad with two youngsters struggling with the loss of their mother, please know that there are dozens upon dozens of resources to help you in understanding and supporting your grieving children. See, for example, some of the articles listed here: Children, Teens & Grief. See especially Children, Teens and Grief: Suggested Resources

I don't mean to bombard you with too much information ~ especially when you're feeling so overwhelmed. Give yourself time to explore some of the resources listed, and don't try to do it all at once. That's like trying to eat an elephant. If you try to do it all at once, you will choke.

I suggest that you think of this grief not as a race to some imaginary finish line, but rather as a journey that begins with a single step ~ and one that you will take one step, one day at a time. And give yourself credit for taking that first step by coming here! ❤️

[weaksoul]

Thank you MartyT, I am reading your book "Finding your way through grief" and I can't express my gratitude to you for the book and for setting up this platform for grieving people. And thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed note and for all the pointers to the other helpful resources. I will surely check them out. Thank you so much for the encouragement and for positive thoughts. However, can you please advise me how to get rid of this feeling that surrounds me all the time. It feels weird, I am being torn into pieces. And the more I try to put myself together the more pieces I found littering around. 

Thank you again, lots of respect and regards!
 

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, weaksoul said:

can you please advise me how to get rid of this feeling that surrounds me all the time. It feels weird, I am being torn into pieces.

I've no doubt that the feeling you describe is horrible for you ~ but I think it's helpful to remember that feelings are not facts. Feeling as if you're coming apart does not mean that you are, in fact, falling apart! This is why it's can be so helpful to learn all you can about what is "normal" in grief ~ so you'll know what feelings and reactions to expect, and what you might do to better manage those reactions. Finding others whose experience is similar to your own also helps to ground you in reality, especially when you discover that what you are feeling is normal.  ❤️ 

[weaksoul]

Thanks MartyT, appreciate the advice. Kind regards!

 

[Widow2015]

Weaksoul:  I am so sad to read of your loss of your dear wife.  Your words describing your family shows how much you loved your young family.  In my opinion, I think four months is still quite early to feel you should be over such a devastating loss.  

Your sixteen years of marriage was so brief.  The pain is still there no matter how long or how short the relationship was.  There were days I found just getting through one hour was all I could manage and as time progressed, I learned no matter how I got through the day I still miss him as if it was yesterday.

I hope you will continue to share your story and talk about your wife here.  I think you are brave to have taken this big step.   I will never forget one of the members who had lost his wife.  His memorable saying was, "One Foot in Front of the Other".   That little saying always helped me.   Dee

 

[kayc]

You've already gotten so much good advice, I just want to echo what the others have said and tell you we are thinking of you, you may FEEL alone, but aren't totally as long as the arms of the internet are reaching out from here...sending you hugs and gentle thoughts.  One of the things I had to learn was to be kind, patient, gentle with myself now that the one who always was there for me, isn't.  It is indeed day by day, minute by minute.

[weaksoul]

@Widow2015: Thank you for the condolences and for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you that 4 months is probably too early to get over with this loss. However, I do want to know if gets better with time since it's not bearable at the moment. And how much better do you get/ Do you get back to start living your life normally rather than being a walking dead?
It feels so weird at the moment that I can't even describe it. I feel so alienated, it's like I have moved to a different planet all together. 
And what hurts me is that I only had her for such a short time. The early part of the life was busy with daily struggle and I had just got to the point where I started to feel that I have time now to enjoy with my family. All of the pains and aches of the past have come down crushing on me all at once. 

[weaksoul]

@kayc Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and hugs. I have no words to appreciate it. Please keep sending these good vibes to me. I need them so much.
- Kind regards!

[MartyT]

I see from your profile that you live in Chandler, AZ which means you are near Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix. I served as a Bereavement Counselor with HOV for 17 years, and I can say from personal experience that their bereavement services are second to none. I strongly encourage you to contact Hospice of the Valley's Bereavement Services, at (602) 530-6970 to see what support is available to you and your children. HOV provides in-person grief support groups at locations Valleywide at no charge to anyone in the community. These groups are diverse and inclusive, multi-cultural and non-sectarian. They are open to any adult grieving the loss of a loved one of any age or relationship. In addition, HOV offers up to 24 months of pediatric and family bereavement support for those grieving the death of a family member of any age, through its New Song Center for Grieving Children, at (480)951-8985. (Should you decide to contact HOV's Bereavement office, please feel free to say that I encouraged you to do so.)

If you're wondering how a support group can help, I invite you to read Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits? and Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You  ❤️

[kayc]

The short answer to your question is yes, you will survive. Will life ever be the same again? No. How long will you grieve? The rest of your life, but it will not always feel as it does today. I can't say how long or when it will change, but it will, everyone's timetable is as unique to them as they are and their relationship is.  We all cope differently, but as we hone our coping skills and process our grief, it all helps.

[Widow2015]

16 hours ago, weaksoul said:

 However, I do want to know if gets better with time since it's not bearable at the moment. And how much better do you get/ Do you get back to start living your life normally rather than being a walking dead?

I wish I could give you the definite answer you are searching for on the length of time you will be finished with the pain you are suffering right now.  Like Kay said, we are all different in so many ways.  The only thing that we have in common is we all have lost that special person that made our lives happy. 

You asked, "How much better do you get and do you get back to living life normally".  I know I am not the same person I was when I had my husband, and my life is not the same.  It is a different life.  Even eight years since his death I still feel that excruciating pain in my heart every day.  I tell myself that I can't give up because he would want me to be strong.  

A couple of months after my husband died, I gathered up courage to attend a Grief Share Group at a local church.  It was difficult for me to attend since I have never considered myself a very religious person. The grief group offered me the opportunity to share my grief in a small group with a different view on why God would take my husband.  If you have time in your schedule, maybe Marti's suggestion to attend a Grief Support Group might help?

Take care.  Dee

[weaksoul]

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

I see from your profile that you live in Chandler, AZ which means you are near Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix. I served as a Bereavement Counselor with HOV for 17 years, and I can say from personal experience that their bereavement services are second to none. I strongly encourage you to contact Hospice of the Valley's Bereavement Services, at (602) 530-6970 to see what support is available to you and your children. HOV provides in-person grief support groups at locations Valleywide at no charge to anyone in the community. These groups are diverse and inclusive, multi-cultural and non-sectarian. They are open to any adult grieving the loss of a loved one of any age or relationship. In addition, HOV offers up to 24 months of pediatric and family bereavement support for those grieving the death of a family member of any age, through its New Song Center for Grieving Children, at (480)951-8985. (Should you decide to contact HOV's Bereavement office, please feel free to say that I encouraged you to do so.)

If you're wondering how a support group can help, I invite you to read Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits? and Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You  ❤️

Thank you MartyT, I will reach out the Hospice of the Valley's bereavement services. Thank you for the encouragement and for caring. Regards!

[weaksoul]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

The short answer to your question is yes, you will survive. Will life ever be the same again? No. How long will you grieve? The rest of your life, but it will not always feel as it does today. I can't say how long or when it will change, but it will, everyone's timetable is as unique to them as they are and their relationship is.  We all cope differently, but as we hone our coping skills and process our grief, it all helps.

Thank you Kayc, it's good to know that chances of survival are high. I understand life won't be same again but I just want to be around for the kids and in good health to be able to take care of them. Thank you for all your support. Regards!

[weaksoul]

4 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

I tell myself that I can't give up because he would want me to be strong.  

Hi Dee, there are times when I am feeling completely down and feel like giving up. But the kids pull me back up again and give me the strength to keep going. The pain is unbearable at the time but I think the pain will be worth it if I end up raising my kids successfully. And I have already started to feel a bit better after I have opened up on this forum. I think a big part of the healing is to allow your emotions to flow through. Thank you for listening and caring. Regards!

[kayc]

It definitely helps to have an outlet, to pour out your feelings and know someone is listening, caring.

[weaksoul]

59 minutes ago, kayc said:

It definitely helps to have an outlet, to pour out your feelings and know someone is listening, caring.

Can't agree more...thank you.

[Widow2015]

18 hours ago, weaksoul said:

there are times when I am feeling completely down and feel like giving up. But the kids pull me back up again and give me the strength to keep going.

Weaksoul:  From what you have shared about your kids you are on the right track to being the parent who will always be there for them.  There will always be days when we want to give up.  On those days I allow myself to be down and depressed then "shake" it off and get myself back on track and get through another day and do what I need to do.  My son, daughter and grandchildren don't need another loss to face. 

I also agree it is important to have someone to share those feelings of loss with.  Dee

[iPraiseHim]

Weaksoul: There is always Hope and a Future! I came to this Forum over eight years ago to search for answers and relief from the pain and loss of my beloved wife, Rose Anne. The pain and grief was so intense and seemed like it would never lessen. This beautiful group listened to my woes, supported and cared for me in a special way since they know and experience this type of loss. I was in "Shock and Awe" for quite a while. We learn to move forward each day. Over time this intensity will lessen. Many of us feel like we will not measure up to the task yet we learn somehow.  Share, write, journal, etc... I wrote private letters to my wife and prayed for God's comfort and guidance on this journey. You are not alone. God will never leave you or forsake you. My prayers are simple. "Lord help me". Just as you help your children when they ask for help. My prayers and intercession are with you brother. Shalom(Peace)

[weaksoul]

3 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

 My son, daughter and grandchildren don't need another loss to face. 

I also agree it is important to have someone to share those feelings of loss with.  Dee

Hi Dee,
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. You are right on point about throwing another loss to the face of your family. However, It's a very pitiful situation where you want to live and die at the same time.
Yes, I totally agree with you, sharing your feelings with the people who understand the pain brings lot of relief (though temporary, but it helps). Thanks again for caring. 

[weaksoul]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

Weaksoul: There is always Hope and a Future! I came to this Forum over eight years ago to search for answers and relief from the pain and loss of my beloved wife, Rose Anne. The pain and grief was so intense and seemed like it would never lessen. This beautiful group listened to my woes, supported and cared for me in a special way since they know and experience this type of loss. I was in "Shock and Awe" for quite a while. We learn to move forward each day. Over time this intensity will lessen. Many of us feel like we will not measure up to the task yet we learn somehow.  Share, write, journal, etc... I wrote private letters to my wife and prayed for God's comfort and guidance on this journey. You are not alone. God will never leave you or forsake you. My prayers are simple. "Lord help me". Just as you help your children when they ask for help. My prayers and intercession are with you brother. Shalom(Peace)

Dear iPraiseHim, thank you so much for your prayers, for sharing from your experience and bringing me hope. At the same time I am so sorry for your loss as well. I am only wishing that no one and I mean "no one" ever had to face this type of loss. This pain is so unique & intense that it's unfathomable. I don't know how anyone would face it without God's comfort. Thank you for your kind words/prayer "God will never leave you for forsake you". I need him to rescue me out of this that's the only way out for me. And I wish my prayers were as simple as yours (although it has everything in it). My prayers also have my kids in it. And I am trying to seek every happiness for them along with salvation.

Please keep sharing...
Thanks and kind regards!

[kayc]

On 7/10/2023 at 7:57 AM, weaksoul said:

All I want to do is talk about her, talk about how unbearable it is. But the family/friends around me have got tired of it.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Here we will never sicken of listening, we know grief, it is our lives too.  They only sicken of it because they don't want upset or you upset...not understanding there's no avoidance of it.

After 18 years I looked around in our church and realized there are now just two people who were around then, that knew him, one keeps to herself, doesn't talk to others much, the other one brought up George to me last month, it meant so much to me. My sister that I used to talk to every day, her and her husband are both gone now too. My kids both grown and gone but they remember him and talk about him once in a great while. 
Hang in there, she is just a breath away...