I want to know if I will survive, because I have to

[weaksoul]

Dear Kayc,
Thank you for listening to my grief and for sharing your thoughts/perspective. I am sorry for your loss as well. 18 years is a long time, how do you manage to work with the loneliness/void that this loss creates? I have my kids around me but I am still feeling so lonely.  And I can't even think of the time when my kids are going to grow up and I will be all alone. Even with them being around, this void is so powerful that it sucks all the life out of you. I am so sorry for you for losing your siblings and friends. Just thinking of hitting this one day gives me shivers and chills. May God be with you and bless you with his love.
I am trying my best to hang in there, thank you for the encouragement. Please keep sending your good wishes, I feel so helpless at times.

May God bless you. Thanks and Regards!

[weaksoul]

I am getting crushed thinking about futuristic/unrealistic scenarios. Can someone please guide me it? I am thinking how I am going to live through all these years with so much loneliness and pain. I know you have already provided me guidance on it but I just couldn't hold my emotions hence expressing it out here. 

[MartyT]

I think it's human nature to worry that however we are feeling now, in this moment, this is how we will feel forever ~ and we wonder how in the world will we make it through? Think of a time when you had a bad cold or a sore throat. It's hard to remember what it felt like to be well ~ and we worry that the cold or sore throat will never go away. This is catastrophic thinking, and it happens in grief as well. The truth is that you will not feel this way forever. Grief changes over time, and you will change right along with it. Nothing in life stays the same. When you find yourself wondering how you're going to live through all these years with so much loneliness and pain, remind yourself that it won't always feel as lonely and as painful as it does today or in this moment. This is why we encourage you to slow down, to take it one day at a time, without worrying about how it will feel tomorrow or next week or next year. Focus on getting through today, and do whatever you can to help yourself to do just that. Let that be enough. ❤️

[weaksoul]

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

I think it's human nature to worry that however we are feeling now, in this moment, this is how we will feel forever ~ and we wonder how in the world will we make it through? Think of a time when you had a bad cold or a sore throat. It's hard to remember what it felt like to be well ~ and we worry that the cold or sore throat will never go away. This is catastrophic thinking, and it happens in grief as well. The truth is that you will not feel this way forever. Grief changes over time, and you will change right along with it. Nothing in life stays the same. When you find yourself wondering how you're going to live through all these years with so much loneliness and pain, remind yourself that it won't always feel as lonely and as painful as it does today or in this moment. This is why we encourage you to slow down, to take it one day at a time, without worrying about how it will feel tomorrow or next week or next year. Focus on getting through today, and do whatever you can to help yourself to do just that. Let that be enough. ❤️

Dear Marty, thank you so much for the uplifting note. It has helped me calm down quite a bit. It's my nature to unnecessarily delve into unrealistic scenarios. I need to seek some counselling on it. Thank you for listening to my pain and for the kind gesture. Regards!

[iPraiseHim]

6 hours ago, weaksoul said:

I am getting crushed thinking about futuristic/unrealistic scenarios. Can someone please guide me it? I am thinking how I am going to live through all these years with so much loneliness and pain. I know you have already provided me guidance on it but I just couldn't hold my emotions hence expressing it out here. 

I have learned to live in today. I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future. I strive to remember the great memories my wife and I shared each day. I memorized Phil 4:6-8 and strive to apply it each day. Shalom(Peace)

[weaksoul]

1 minute ago, iPraiseHim said:

I have learned to live in today. I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future. I strive to remember the great memories my wife and I shared each day. I memorized Phil 4:6-8 and strive to apply it each day. Shalom(Peace)

Dear iPraiseHim, thank you for the pearls of wisdom. I hope to absorb them in and live them. However, for me the hurt is in the my memories. I am trying to keep them off as far as possible. Any advice, please? Best Regards!

[iPraiseHim]

1 minute ago, weaksoul said:

Dear iPraiseHim, thank you for the pearls of wisdom. I hope to absorb them in and live them. However, for me the hurt is in the my memories. I am trying to keep them off as far as possible. Any advice, please? Best Regards!

At the beginning of this grief, I was encouraged to get plenty of rest and take care of my body with healthy food, water, and movement. I also started a daily journal for my beloved wife and wrote out the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. Grief is love that cannot be expressed as clearly as when our beloved is with us. I read everything I could here in this forum that Marty and many others provide here. There is a wealth of wisdom and compassionate support. Also, try and connect with a local grief group in your area if that resource is available. Shalom(Peace)

[weaksoul]

2 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

At the beginning of this grief, I was encouraged to get plenty of rest and take care of my body with healthy food, water, and movement. I also started a daily journal for my beloved wife and wrote out the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. Grief is love that cannot be expressed as clearly as when our beloved is with us. I read everything I could here in this forum that Marty and many others provide here. There is a wealth of wisdom and compassionate support. Also, try and connect with a local grief group in your area if that resource is available. Shalom(Peace)

Thank you again, I think I am not getting enough rest. Surely I will go thru all threads on this forum. And I am yet to connect with the local grief group. I will reach out to the Hospice of the Valley, it's the one Marty suggested. Thank you and God bless you. 

[Widow2015]

21 hours ago, weaksoul said:

I am thinking how I am going to live through all these years with so much loneliness and pain.

Weaksoul:  I understand your fear of thinking about what you will be doing in the future with your loneliness and pain.  That's where I try my hardest to only think about how I will get through "this day".  The day I am in today is all I can manage.  I have accepted the fact that this pain will always be with me, but I try my best to learn to live with it.  It will take time.  As mentioned previously you are still in the early stages of your grief.  Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.  Dee

[weaksoul]

Dee: Thank you so much for your encouragement. I am trying my best but even going thru the day is so hard. I wake up every morning feeling so depressed. Then the feeling continues thru most of the day, however I don't know what it is , as soon as the sun goes down I start to feel easy. 
It's giving me hope to know that it's going get better with time. I just can't wait for the day when this pain alleviates a bit.
Please keep sending good thoughts my way. I need them so bad. Regards!

[MartyT]

My friend, I notice that in your posts you openly share how you are feeling (which is fine and good, and I encourage you to continue doing that), but you don't say much about what you are doing with your grief. As I say in this article, I think the worst thing we can do in grief is to try to wait it out, or wait for something outside ourselves to happen. Grief is something that we can learn to manage – we need not sit passively in the face of it, just waiting for time to pass. The passage of time alone does nothing to heal our wounded souls. It is what we do with the time that makes the difference. (Read on here: Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief.)

You may find these articles helpful as well. Both are written by members of our own Grief Healing Discussion Groups:

Voices of Experience: For Those Whose Grief Is Relatively New by Harry Proudfoot

Voices of Experience: My Self-Care Basket by Anne Gorman

❤️

[kayc]

On 7/14/2023 at 9:22 AM, weaksoul said:

how do you manage to work with the loneliness/void that this loss creates?

I don't really feel lonely anymore, it was havoc the first few years, I guess I've made peace with it and value my sanctuary of a home. I love my neighbors and where I live, and that helps.  I have a schedule and for the most part I stick to it, working around doctor's appointments, church, etc.  But having this long makes a difference, the first few years I was frantic, it was horrible, mostly it was about survival...kind of still is in a way, but now for differing reasons, growing old alone has it's challenges, esp. in snow country and now heat, threat of fire.  Temperatures seem more extreme now, or perhaps I just notice it more.  I do miss my kids...a lot.

[kayc]

On 7/14/2023 at 12:49 PM, MartyT said:

The truth is that you will not feel this way forever

Keep this in mind, this points you the hope you need to hold onto. But Marty is right, it's not merely the passage of time, but what we do with it. Everything we intentionally set out to do to help us with our grief all helps to process it and make our way through it.  Everyone is different, not only their timetable, butt personality, coping abilities, RESILIENCE, and I've often jokingly said (but seriously too) even our position in the family factors into how we handle this going forward.  Reading books, articles, grief counseling, grief support groups, coming here, taking walks, taking care of yourself, all of that factors into what we make into our lives.

[weaksoul]

13 hours ago, MartyT said:

but you don't say much about what you are doing with your grief.

Hi Marty, At the moment the only thing I am doing is to keep up with my daily routine. Here is how my routine looks like;
30 minutes of walk in the morning
Shower then 30 minutes of meditation
Light breakfast and then go on with my day which includes my work. 
In between I am reading scripture, reading on grief management, attend to the kids, take them for appointments etc
Then we have dinner in the evening, watch some TV
Afterwards as the temperature gets little better we step out and play basketball in the evening for good 40 minutes.
And then 30 minutes of mediation before going to bed.
Over the weekends and holidays, I try taking kids to the recreation events such as Jumper places, Arcade games etc.
That's all I and I am barely managing it.

My hurt is consistently there with me all these times. I just can't accept the fact that she is not with me. However, as I mentioned before I do feel better as the sun sets and when I am playing with my kids. Please advise how to go about it or making improvements in my routine/mindset.
 

[weaksoul]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't really feel lonely anymore, it was havoc the first few years, I guess I've made peace with it and value my sanctuary of a home. I love my neighbors and where I live, and that helps.  I have a schedule and for the most part I stick to it, working around doctor's appointments, church, etc.  But having this long makes a difference, the first few years I was frantic, it was horrible, mostly it was about survival...kind of still is in a way, but now for differing reasons, growing old alone has it's challenges, esp. in snow country and now heat, threat of fire.  Temperatures seem more extreme now, or perhaps I just notice it more.  I do miss my kids...a lot.

Hi Kayc, It's a havoc at the moment, I can't wait to get better and start to have some life. You are saying it takes a couple of years, I am consistently praying to the God to bless me with his love and give me strength to go thru these times. I just want to be there for my kids. I would like to say that my love/attachment for the family has become my biggest enemy. I can't face the fact that my kids don't have their mother with them. I know I am constantly repeating myself, please excuse me for it. Thanks and regards!

[MartyT]

I don't know what, if any, support you have available to you (i.e., relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, church groups, etc.) but if anyone you know has ever expressed condolences to you by saying "Call me if you need anything," now is the time to take them up on their offer. Can someone watch over the kids a few hours a week so you can have some time to yourself to attend to your "grief work"? For example, where in your schedule can you find the time and space to attend a grief support group? Have you reached out to Hospice of the Valley for support yet?

Remember this: The best way to take care of your kids' grief is to take care of your own grief first.

Taking time to work on your grief requires your willingness to make time for it! (See Finding Crying Time in Grief)

Also, it's okay to schedule "mindless" activities that take you away from your pain for a while, if only for a few minutes or an hour. Watching old Johnny Carson or Carol Burnett shows is but one example. Playing with your kids is another ~ if you think of it as taking a break from your grief. Do it intentionally and with purpose. (Sometimes in grief we think that taking a break from the pain is an act of disloyalty to the one who died, as if our pain is a measure of our love ~ or if we have a positive moment it means we're forgetting our beloved.) Trust me, your grief will still be there when you return! ❤️

[kayc]

3 hours ago, weaksoul said:

You are saying it takes a couple of years

Actually I said a FEW years, don't expect this to disappear any time soon, but also don't hold to anyone else's timetable. Your kids still being there is a blessing. I'm glad you're walking and also getting out and spending time with your kids.

[weaksoul]

8 hours ago, MartyT said:

I don't know what, if any, support you have available to you (i.e., relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, church groups, etc.) but if anyone you know has ever expressed condolences to you by saying "Call me if you need anything," now is the time to take them up on their offer. Can someone watch over the kids a few hours a week so you can have some time to yourself to attend to your "grief work"? For example, where in your schedule can you find the time and space to attend a grief support group? Have you reached out to Hospice of the Valley for support yet?

Remember this: The best way to take care of your kids' grief is to take care of your own grief first.

Taking time to work on your grief requires your willingness to make time for it! (See Finding Crying Time in Grief)

Also, it's okay to schedule "mindless" activities that take you away from your pain for a while, if only for a few minutes or an hour. Watching old Johnny Carson or Carol Burnett shows is but one example. Playing with your kids is another ~ if you think of it as taking a break from your grief. Do it intentionally and with purpose. (Sometimes in grief we think that taking a break from the pain is an act of disloyalty to the one who died, as if our pain is a measure of our love ~ or if we have a positive moment it means we're forgetting our beloved.) Trust me, your grief will still be there when you return! ❤️

Hi Marty, 
Thank you for the concern, Yes, luckily I have good family and friends support. And my mother is with me and she has a very good bond with the kids. Even with all the support it's still so difficult. I am yet to attend a grief support group. I will be calling the Hospice of the valley tomorrow. 

I have started watching TV with the kids and it is helping quite a bit. I wasn't able to be in front of the TV for the first two months. And both of my kids enjoy basketball so I join them and it helps with the grief. Overall I can see some improvement in myself with my coping skills but it's a slow go. And then there are triggers that take me back into the moment and it takes a while to come out. 

I hope I am not repeating myself but I can't help. Thank you so much for your support and guidance. Regards!

[weaksoul]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Actually I said a FEW years, don't expect this to disappear any time soon, but also don't hold to anyone else's timetable. Your kids still being there is a blessing. I'm glad you're walking and also getting out and spending time with your kids.

Hi Kayc,
Thank you for setting the correct expectation. Yes, I agree the kids are a blessing but at the same time I get stressed thinking about their future and the quality of life. Thank you so much for the encouragement and listening to my pain. Regards!

[kayc]

Kids are amazing, I've seen that with my own kids, they make things happen for themselves, create their own pathway and footprints.  They will be okay, they have their dad and you're giving them a good head start and launch.

We will continue to listen and be here...

[weaksoul]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Kids are amazing, I've seen that with my own kids, they make things happen for themselves, create their own pathway and footprints.  They will be okay, they have their dad and you're giving them a good head start and launch.

We will continue to listen and be here...

Thank you Kayc, your words give me hope and comfort. Can't appreciate all the support I have received here on this forum. Regards!

[weaksoul]

I am emotionally very weak at the moment. And I am not quite clear on how to deal with the kids especially when they are either;
1. Not listening
2. Emotionally down

It was all very easy in the past when their mom as alive, I could have gone strict with them to correct them. But now, I can't even think of going strict/discipling them. Can someone please guide me?

 

[MartyT]

Children need structure and discipline along with empathy and understanding, whether they are grieving or not. The key is the same as it's always been: Keep the lines of communication open. If dealing with your kids was "all very easy" before, that tells me that you already know how to be a good dad. Your kids still will look to you for guidance, and your job is the same as it ever was. You are their role model. That has not changed.

You need and deserve the support of other grieving dads, and there are lots of organizations that offer such support. Take a look at some of the resources listed here: Resources for Young Widow(er)s. 

A book you might find helpful is The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life. Here is Amazon's description:

The Group offers a singular perspective on grief by weaving together the latest thinking on bereavement, resiliency and post-traumatic growth with the true story of seven men who were raising children on their own after the deaths of their wives.  The men connected with each almost immediately, and over the next several years forged a deep bond as their monthly meetings evolved into a forum for healing and personal reinvention that transformed them in unexpected ways.

The authors co-led the support group and partnered with the men to write their story, which is interspersed with the latest in bereavement research conveyed in an easily relatable way. The fathers' touching efforts to care for themselves, their families, and each other offers a gripping narrative that shows how each of us has the potential to rebuild new and meaningful lives. Powerful, enlightening and hopeful, The Group will help you make sense of grief and inspire you to reimagine your life moving forward.

❤️

 

[weaksoul]

Thank you Marty, you are so caring...I have no words to appreciate your support and guidance. I will checkout both the resource group and the book.

[MartyT]

Recommended Grief Resources from Men's Grief Network:

Find a comprehensive list of resources on bereavement here. People who are grieving often find it difficult to get to right organizations to help them learn about the grieving experience. Moreover, men tend to isolate themselves sometimes, so the family can’t help either. These resources are selected here to support them and give them guidance. You’ll find a list of recommended books, blogs, and other organizations offering grief support.  Read on here: https://mensgriefnetwork.org/resources/   ❤️