Anyone Else Been Through The 4-9month Mark?

[Whiteswan]

I feel like I'm losing control! Like I'm losing my mind! Today marks 4 months that my Mom has been gone and I started really grieving severely over this past week again! I had to come home from work on Wednesday then again on Friday because I out of nowhere got shaky, lightheaded and really scared. The minute I got home I burst out in tears -- hysterical crying then went into a rage punching pillows and screaming / crying combo! I get this lightheadedness , almost a surreal feeling but one like you're going to crash and if you don't let the emotions out you'll pass out! It's scary . I know it is grief that needs to come out when this happens because the emotions always follow but I can't be at work and have that happen and I can't keep taking time off work to have my crying screaming fits ! I read in a grief book that the acute grief resurfaces at a 4-9 month mark so I think that's what I'm getting. Anyone else ever had this -ie- emotion just burst out like that . Think the lightheaded/surreal feeling has anything to do with the emotions? I could feel my Mom's presence all the time and often smell her since she passed and my son frequently sees her in the house (he's nearly 8 yrs old), so as crazy as this sounds I told my Mom during one of these crying fits that I felt she needed to leave us for awhile so that I can come to terms with her not being here physically anymore , that I didn't think I could get out all the grief while I can still smell her and feel her right beside me while going about my day and at the same time see that she is not here physically. As soon as I said that her smell was gone and I haven't felt her presence again. My son hasn't said he's seen her again either and I never told him what I said to her. I just felt that I have to grieve her physical presence being gone. Make sense or am I nuts? I also told her to come back to visit after I have accepted all of this. Anyone relate or have I lost it?

[Whiteswan]

Correction: Wednesday marked 4 months that my Mom has been dead. Today is another Sunday anniversary of her death as she died on a Sunday. See how my mind is working!? I have found too that this lightheadedness stuff often happens or starts at about 9:45-10:45 am so I wondered about that then realized that I was called by the hospital at 9:45 am the morning that everything started to shut down on her! I left work, went to get my son out of school , went home , got out of my uniform and into normal clothes then we went up to the hospital to see her. She said she wanted to come home and be with family so I arranged for all of that and she was home by the next night by ambulance as she could not be transported any other way as she couldn't walk. I also get that lightheadedness /surreal feeling anywhere betweeen 2pm and 5pm and maybe that relates to the fact that my Mom's condition started to steadily worsen on the day she died between those hours -- she died at 4:45pm. I was really connected to my Mom and I recall when she had different surgeries that I used to actually FEEL like I was being cut in the place she was during the surgeries! I even knew the times she was being cut as I would feel a cutting sensation in that area in the waiting room. Yeah, we were close and I think that's why her death has hit me a lot harder than the ones that went before her even though I loved them dearly too. Their deaths were easier too in that my Mom was here to help me through it all and now she's gone too.

[KathyD]

Hi Whiteswan,

I recently entered the fifth month without my Dad (he passed on 3/30/06) and have had some of the same experiences. I don't get lightheaded or dizzy but I'll suddenly feel as though someone dropped a brick on my chest - very tense, like I'm a balloon that is ready to pop. I'll try to ignore it but it never lasts and I usually wind up a sobbing wreck or have fits of anger that aren't normally characteristic of me. I blew up in my car two weeks ago and just started screaming and afterwards I was shaking like a leaf and breathing fast. Then more crying...I think the lightheadedness might be similiar to "the calm before the storm," where your subconcious knows that it can't handle much more before erupting in either anger or tears. That's how I think of the feeling of mounting pressure inside that comes out of nowhere. It was at three months where it really hit that he was gone and although that was the most difficult time for me so far we're both still early into the grieving process and I think all these unexpected emotions are part of what we have to go through. I sometimes feel that I've lost it upstairs but every reaction you've described and the ones I've experencied are all listed as common in one of my grief books (I think I have check marks next the nearly every one of them!). It's not easy, yesterday I had a "good" day with friends hanging out but once I got home I go so upset that literally was on the floor sobbing. Once again the old rollercoaster ride! But know that you're not alone, most of us can completely relate to how you feel and what you're going through.

Take care,

Kathy

[Paul S]

Hi all. Tomorrow marks the 9th month anniversary of my Mom's death. AND it's a Monday, the day she died. AND Wednesday would've been my Dad's birthday. AND Thursday would've been my late sister's birthday. Not a week to look forward to, now that I'm incorporating these additional griefs into my Mom's.

Anyway, I'm going thru this 4-9th month mark. I do remember the 4th month. I thought I was going crazy, too. I thought my mind was fracturing and that I will never get over this grief, that the pain will NEVER end and I will suffer forever. I got through it, largely thru the help of this board, and my own posting of a topic on still going nuts after 4 months.

But all the symptoms whiteswan and kathyD described, I had. The rollercoaster ride, lightheadedness, rage, even crying and so on. I think the best advice I got in my topic was just to let the emotions out, let them lead you to where they are trying to go. You can't think through this stuff, you have to emote through it.

Recently I've had a lot of "senior moments" and confusion. Mostly passed by now, but I'm still concerned about mental health, even if its all a temporary craziness.

Maybe it helps to know that everyone experiences this stuff. Still wished it didn't happen, but if others survived it, so will we.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Did someone say has anyone been through the four to nine month period yet? Well I have it has been sixteen months since my mom died and it is almost one year since my dad died and it does not get any easier as far as I am concerned. I still have bad days where I really, really miss them and other days it is not so bad but I still miss them a little. So I hope this helps, God bless you all Shelley

[thartz]

NO you have not lost it. You are doing what you need to do for ourself to help grieve the loss of our mother. agree that it is difficult to believe that they are gone when you can feel their physical presence around you. She will come back and visit as I m sure that she does now...just without you knowing that she is there. I believe that spirits are all around us and she will help you get through this grief and she will help you through this. I am also in the 4-9 month stage..I lost my grandmother (my rock) on March 25th so it has been just over 5 months now.

You will get through this with the love and support of those around you. Just know that we are all thinking and praying for you.

[AnnC]

I started seeing a grief counselor at about 5 months, and she said it is classic that at about 4 to 8 months, the shock has worn off and you feel worse because the reality is hitting you. It was a bad time, but I will tell you I basically cried nearly non-stop for two years. Now, after two years and 3 1/2 months, I feel a little bit of peace sometimes. I still cry quite often, but more of the gentler crying, not the absolute breakdown and wailing that I did at 5-9 months. The bad crying spells still come, but not as often.

I now smile at memories as often as I cry about them. That wasn't true the first year definitely, and not much the second year -- every memory made me cry, and I thought I would die sometimes I felt so horrible. Now I am beginning, just beginning, to appreciate and enjoy life sometimes. Maybe because I have accepted that I will always miss him, always regret that I didn't have more time with him, always cry, that I no longer feel guilty when I have a good day.

I don't think it's crazy to believe their spirits watch over us and walk with us through our lives. I have felt his presence with me from the very day I found out he died. I smell him, I feel him, sometimes I even see him in a quick flash out of the corner of my eye. I feel a touch on my hair when no one is there, and I have clear, vivid dreams of him. I know his spirit is around me, and this has helped in my progress through grief. It doesn't take away the pain, but it is very comforting. I am finding that his presence does not go away as I slowly let go of the pain, and when I have my moments of peace, I feel him smiling.

It's a long, hard road, but there is some light along the way. My life is forever changed, but that is natural -- I could not lose someone so important to me, and NOT be changed. I feel so angry and cheated, often, but then I also feel blessed that we shared such a love, and that death has not ended that love. I find that I am able to go on living, even though I have felt every negative emotion I have read about in everyone's posts! I let them run their course, which seems to be the only way I can cope with them.

Just to let you know, if you're in the first year or two of loss, that if you keep taking it day by day, hour by hour, it does, slowly, get easier to bear.

[shell]

Ann,

I'm so glad you are doing better. I'm also glad you talked about it being over two years later. I think we all have to remember that it takes a long time, not feel we're going crazy because we don't feel that much better after 6 months, or a year, or two....I know this and yet I still sometimes fall into the trap of thinking my life will never, ever get better. So thanks for reminding me that it's a long raod.

Hugs,

Shell

[Haley]

I also am in the time frame of ,my MOM leaving and to me it seems as if I am getting silent all the time and think about everything. I am going thru the time that she left over and over again, and I try to work it all out in my mind to my self. I give you all the up most respect that you are going to counceling I can not do that. I am the type of person that I do not want to bother anybody and can not talk around people and now more than ever I am not to the point that I can't even talk about my MOM yet I freeze up. I am not crying as much right now I am not sure if it because I am numb or what? I am not into reading either so I am limited to my choices on getting help but I also know that is my fault and not anybody else. Reality is hitting home on how to do alot with my feelings over my MOM. I hear and see other people loosing someone even if I do not no them I hurt for them now, to where before I lost my MOM I would just be like oh how sad and go on but not know I take a minute and wish them all the comfort I can.

Thanks

Haley

[lorikelly]

WEll it is only 9 weeks and counting for me. i seem to count each week b/c i keeping praying that it will get better. i am scared also that the pain will never end. today was the first day of school for my boys and i cried b/c mom is not here for it and also b/c i am alone in the house. i don't think i will be able to make it 2yrs like this. the pain is awful. i have to remind myself each day that she is not coming back. i am lost, confused, sad, lonely and have alot of regrest. i seem to replay each scenario over and over in my head until i am going to burst, i try to stop but it is like toture. i pray alot and that is where i do get some comfort. i just wish God could come downd and tell us it will be alright. i am now into reading every book about death and the afterlife. in 9 weeks i have 7 books. i am also now afraid that somebody else is going to die and now i am afaid of death. why???? i told my mom not to be afraid and here i am terrified. i don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. somedays i just wish i could sleep forever and have it be over. sorry i am just feeling sorry for myself. lori

[AnnC]

Lori,

I am so sorry for your loss and pain. All I can tell you is that what you are going through really is normal in grief. That doesn't make it easier, but you are not losing your mind, it just feels like it. And I know those "what if's" and how you replay and replay everything that happened until you think you really will go crazy! You won't, but it isn't easy. I couldn't sleep for months, because I would lie awake and replay everything that had happened in our lives, and try to figure out if I could have changed anything. It was endless, I was so focused on this that when I visited my sister two months after his death, I couldn't even complete a sentence, I was so distracted by my constant thoughts. I still sometimes replay it like that, but it is much less often. I believe it is our brains trying to understand and process the loss, because it leaves such a hole in your life and you just can't believe it, and your brain is trying to cope.

Don't think about two years from now. Just get through the next day, the next hour. It's all you can do. I can only suggest to you that the reason I went to a counselor was that I needed to talk, and I felt I was being a burden to everyone with all the talking. I felt at least a counselor would be PAID to sit there and listen to me! So it wouldn't be a bother, it's her job. It did help. But you do need to find what works for you, we are all different. You are lucky you can read, I couldn't concentrate enough to read almost through the whole first year. So I talked, to absolutely everyone. I'm sure my friends hid when they saw me coming!

I do not think you are feeling sorry for yourself -- you are grieving, and it's hard, and you're so tired and you want to feel better -- that's normal. Hang in there -- you will get through it, even though it doesn't feel like it.