Crazy Month

[dpodesta]

Ok, it is one of those days. August is going to be a hard month and I am already going crazy. First of all it was meet the teacher night last night at Carson's school, this is something Karen and I would have both gone to. Next is Karen's neice's graduation form A&M with my birthday the day before on the 10th. Karen's birthday would have been the 28th. I have all of these doctor's appointments for Carson going on and to top it all off, I will be turning in Karen's truck to the dealer at the end of the month. Right now I don't know which end is up. Work is busy and I am bring work home in order to catch up from April when I couldn't do much of anything because of Karen's death. None of this I can give to anyone else to do. I am so frustrated right now I could scream. I want out of it all, I didn't sign up for this and I am tired of it. I just want the anexity and depression to go away but it won't. I have a million thought going through my head and can't get to sleep until almost midnight and then have a hard time waking up the next day. I can't keep doing this. I know God is here and carrying me, and I need to turn it all over to Him, but I find it hard. I don't know if I am just not letting go or what. Carson has to be on a low fat low cholrestrol diet where as if I eat the same, it's not goinng to help me gain the weight back that I have lost and I don't want to cook two meals, I have enough problems even cooking one. I am tired of having that 100 pound weight in my stomach.

Ok, now that I have ranted and raved and spilled my guts. I just ask that all of you please keep me in your prayers. It is going to be a difficult month for me. One that I am ready to be over with. I know I just need to follow my own advice that I have given, but it is hard to do sometimes. I love all of you like family and you all have been a great help to me. Thank you in advance.

[STARKISS]

Dear Derek,

Just wanted to let you know that we are here for you and when someone has a bad month we will be here at least to pray and to help where we can. I am sending you a great big hug, take care and God Bless You Shelley

[chrissy777]

Derek,

I will keep you in my prayers. I hope everything goes well for you. Its so hard to do things that you used to do together alone. I never in my life imagined I would feel so much lonliness. Even when there are others around you there is a big void in you and you feel so much less of yourself. Your right about following your own advice because it has helped me. Some days are harder than others I hope your whole month isnt going to be hard on you. Good luck and God bless.

Chrissy

[dpodesta]

Thank you both for your support and prayers, pray for me hard right now, all I can do right now is sit in this chair and shake. I just want to crawl up in the corner. I got things that need to be done tonight, but I can't even concentrate enough to do them.

Carson is being hard headed (He gets it from me) and it is getting to me. I am trying to control my emotions and trying not to snap at him but it just comes out.

[STARKISS]

Dear Derek,

I am so very,very sorry for how you are feeling right now. Is there anyone who can help with Carson until you are able to. I wish I could be closer so I could come and help you. Take care of you both and I am going to pray right now for God to send you the strength you need to continue on your journey Shelley

[kellymarie]

Hi Derek, Sorry to hear about all the things on your plate. Since it's just me, I have alot less to deal with but this month is super busy with me too. Last week I got totally freaked out with the amount of things I have to accomplish over the next month too. Part of my problem, too, especially with work, is that since Josh died in March, I have put so many things on "hold." And it seems like "hold" doesn't last forever. So I'm having to face things that I can't put off any longer. So this past weekend I was trying to catch up and Saturday was the 5th month since Josh died. So I spent the day trying to work and stopping to cry. And part of what I'm doing is getting ready for the next step in my career, and I keep thinking that it seems so awful/wierd/just not right that I'm going ahead with my life and Josh is dead. I'm feeling overwhelmed too and having alot of anxiety. This is new for me in the grief department. I was having a hard time falling asleep because all the stuff I have to do is running through my mind. So what I did the other night, right before bed, is to make a HUGE list of everything I need to do over this month. That way I wasn't afraid to fall asleep and forget something. And I know this may sound cliche, but try to remember it really is just one day at a time. That's how I do it. If I wake up and feel overwhelmed, I just tell myself all I have to do is make it to the end of today. That's it. Just today. And if it doesn't go well, oh well... I'll try again tomorrow. I hope this helps if in the tiniest way. But I know that crazy overwhelming feeling like life is catching up with us for being checked out for the past months since our Josh and Karen left us.

[dpodesta]

Thank you all for your support and prayers.

Shelly, shortly after I read your post everything started to calm down. I had gone into my room to look for something under my bed and while I was on the floor I said "God just help me" I believe that God does answer prayers and he answered both of ours.

Chrissy, thank you also, you are daily in my prayers for a smooth delivery of your baby, I know that everything will be good.

I am now in a better frame of mind and feel worn out after tonight, so I might actually get to sleep tonight before 11:30. Continue to pray for me and Carson through out this month as I go through some more of the first's.

[MartyT]

Sleep well tonight, dear Derek, and as my dear father used to say to me, may you have roses on your pillow.

[Dusky]

Derek,

I don’t know if you realize it or not – but you are indeed a remarkable person – actually you are a remarkable Man. Let me tell you why. I have observed you during the course of the last few months. You are thoughtful, articulate, caring, and honest - but most of all you are willing to share what’s going on in your mind and in your heart. You have come to this site – and you’ll notice that few men do – and you have shared what you are feeling. You have also helped others even though you are in pain yourself. You are a good Man.

You are also unique to your species – as I know I am in many ways. Men so often do not know how to grieve – they normally hide it and camouflage it and run from it to avoid the pain. You have faced it head on - and you are therefore not only making it through the difficult grieving journey but you are showing Carson -by your example - how well adversity can be transversed.

You call it “ranting and raving and spilling your guts” – I call it a Man in touch with his own humanity. You are a most remarkable Man - and a gem of a Father and a human being.

Peace to you – and that young soul you are carrying - so well - on your shoulders.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[dpodesta]

Wow John, Thank you so much. That means a lot to me coming from you. You were there for me during those first few very dark months. You have been through so much this past year and even tho I have only know you for a couple of months it feels like I have known you for so much longer. It is good to see you back to posting again. I hope all is going well for you.

[kayc]

Derek,

"I know I just need to follow my own advice that I have given, but it is hard to do sometimes." Knowing stuff with our head and being able to apply it is two different things and I figure that's what keeps us humble. You have a lot on your plate right now. When I lost my job a coworker told me that I was lucky because at least I was just responsible for me. Well that's true, but then she still has a partner to help her in life and I have just me...and she has a family to come home to every night and I have just me. But I did some thinking about what she said and I realize it is true that it is hard to be responsible for another person (child) especially if you don't have a partner to share in that with. You are going through that and it is very tough. Know that you have our prayers. If your job is super demanding and it overwhelms you, is there a possibility of looking for a different job that might be a little easier on you right now? Most of us don't consider switching jobs until we're forced to but if you're the only one that can catch up stuff from last April...that's pretty tough on you at a time when you really don't need it, you have your hands full with grieving and dealing with Carson. Just a thought, everyone's situation is different, I know I didn't have money to fall back on when George died yet some people are in a position to consider other options. Keep getting your feelings out, it's healthy!

[chrissy777]

Derek,

I just wanted to say that I agree with John. It is very impressive to see how well you share your emotions and you give such great advice to others. I can tell you are a very caring person and your wife is probably looking down on you and is very proud of all that you are able to do during this hard time. Its hard enough to handle some of the things being thrown at you during normal circumstances, but just after losing a spouse ,It is so hard..

I will continue to pray for you and your child. It helps me so much to talk to Jason especially on a bad day and although I dont get an answer i feel he is listening to me. God Bless

Chrissy777

[ann]

derek,

u are always in my prayers. your words of encouragement and kindness and your faith with God have been a source of inspiration for many of us here. i do hope and pray everything will turn smoothly for u this month. we are always here to listen. i really agree with what John said about u. u are such a remarkable man.

God bless u.

=============

in today's bright sunlight basking,

leave tomorrow's cares alone--

spoil not preent joys by asking:

"who shall roll away the stone?"

oft, before we've faced the trial

we have come with joy to own,

angels have from heaven descended

and have rolled away the stone. -Anon

[STARKISS]

Dear Derek,

I agree with John also and You are always there when people need you. Please do not be afraid to ask for help, we are there for you Take care and God Bless You Shelley