Nine Months The 16th And My Life Is Gone

[LarrysGirl]

How did I get to nine months without him. I want time to stand still. I can't understand in my mind that I haven't touched him or heard his voice in nine months. It's just not possible. This is the loneliest experience. People think they are helping me but all they do is challenge how I'm handling this grief. One "friend" said to me last week, why do you keep counting the months, you will never get over this if all you do is count the time he has been gone. I count the months because I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I will never GET OVER this. I'm still trying to figure out if I can even LIVE without him. What do you do when you lose the person who meant everything to you, accepted you, and every dream was with him?? We had dreams and hopes and they've been ripped away. We weren't supposed to live apart. We missed each other terribly when he would be hospitalized. He would call every nite to say goodnight and I love you. I still look at the phone in the evening and pray for it to ring so this nightmare will be over. I see my hospice counselor again on Friday. I felt helped by her but now I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of not being able to breathe, not being able to sleep. How do you ever get used to this, I just don't know.

I will always miss you and love you Larry. You were supposed to take me with you. Deborah

[JennO]

It will be ten months for me on the 16th as well. I have found the day of the month to be very difficult and I have also found no one in my life really knows what to say on those days...I read a book recently called Tear Soup (reccommended by my Hospice Counsellor) One part of it says that at about 7mths, people really want us to start to move on....they don't know how to or don't want to deal with our sadness anymore. I think we need to find a few good friends to really hash this all out with. It is beginning to work for me and I know they are my "dumping grounds" so to speak. There are days it doesn't work. There are days it seems impossible not to talk about Jeff all day to everyone. I still wear my wedding rings and his wedding band is on my other hand...people who know just kind of look at them like they don't know what to do.

There are some days that I miss him so much it hurts my heart and I can't breathe.....and then there are days I go to pick up the phone to call, like I could ever really forget he wasn't there.

This is an unpredicatable and unnerving journey. I wish myself a sense of calm and memories of love every day and I wish that for you too.

[chrissy777]

Deborah,

One of the hardest things for me was Jason died in the hospital and I called him every 2 hours to check on him and the morning after the day he died I found it so hard not to pick up the phone and try to call his hospital room. It is very hard and it makes me scared because I just lost him last month and I hear people who are months even years out still feeling what I am feeling.. When is this going to be over I constantly ask myself. I dont know.

God Bless Chrissy

[dpodesta]

I to still wear my wedding band and I wear Karens around my neck. My boss once told me that if I am still wearing my band after a year, then I need help. He comes from a divorce and got rid of his soon after and he tries to relate a death of a marriage to actuall death. There might be a few comparisons, but it is a totally different experience. I have learned to watch what I say around him and let a lot of what he says go in one ear and out the other. People just don't understand until they have lost a spouse. Even people that have lost their parents don't fully understand what you go through. Your parents are supposed to die before you that is the natural circle of life, your spouse is supposed to grow old with you and be together with you for many, many years not after just 11 years and being 45 with a 7 year old son.

Larrysgirl, I know exactly how you feel, Karen was my life she is what I lived for, who I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Now it is like there is nothing there. I went through a phase a while back thinking what I was going to do when Carson moved out, how was I going to keep living in this house by myself. It scared the crap out of me and drove me nuts. I finally had to start just looking at today, if I just look at today everything else works out. This has been the longest time I have ever been away from Karen. Whenever I would go on business trips I would call her several times throughout the day and then we would talk on the phone for hours. Sometimes we would not be saying much but there was something about her being on the other end that just made it all better. I loved the trips, at the same time I hated them because I would be away from her. I miss her terribly and still wonder if this is still just a very bad dream that I will wake up from. I have stared to realize that this isn't a dream and that I am not going to wake up and everything will be like it was. August 6th was 4 months for me and I have been reading so many posts here on this site and have come to accept that the pain will always be there, I will never get entirely over this and if people can't understand it then that is their problem, and I am at the point to just say "look you haven't been through this and until you have you won't understand, just let me handel it the way I am handleing it"

Lord, I place all of in your hands, give us the peace to know that you have a plan for our lives. In going through this we are going to gain strength and will be closer to you and your will. Give us the understanding that people don't always say the right things and help us to forgive them when they do. Just place your arms around us and place the right people in our lives. Through Jesus name I pray.Amen

[WaltC]

I to still wear my wedding band and I wear Karens around my neck. My boss once told me that if I am still wearing my band after a year, then I need help.

Please tell your deleted expletive boss for me that he is a TOTAL Idiot!!! I am sure that whoever reads this post already knows that is true!

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

First of all I want to say I am very sorry for all your losses, Second I just wanted to add that I have just went through my mom's sixteen month since she died and I still can not believe that I lasted that long without hearing her or sitting with her or talking to her.... There is another day coming up this Friday the 25th and that marks the one year mark since my dad died and again I just can not believe that he has been gone for that long...

In closing I just wanted to say that my hope for the future is that we all find peace and some happiness... Take care Shelley

[Bebekat]

It's been almost 16 months for me and I stil wear my wedding ring on a chain around my neck next to a star that contains some of Tom's ashes. If anyone were to tell me I need to move on I would tell them that it's probably not any of their business.

I have clipped this from the HOV newsletter and posted it on my refrigerator door. It helps me put alot of things in a clearer perspective.

"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next." -- Mignon McLaughlin

Edited because I have apparently lost track of all time.

Edited August 20, 2006 by Bebekat

[STARKISS]

Hi Bebekat,

Thank you for your post, It is a nice quote as well. This is why I love this website because people always add such wonderful helpful things for everyone else to read. Take care and God bless you Shelley

[dpodesta]

Thank you Walt, I needed that, I laughed when I read your post.

Derek

[ustwo]

WaltC, happy to know you are recovering from surgery. You are always in our thoughts. And your statement said it all.."what an idiot!".

[STARKISS]

Hi Derek,

Yes, Your boss is an idiot!!!! I wear my mom's wedding ring and her family ring and it has been sixteen months for me... I do not think that it matters it is up to the person themselves to decide when to take it off and if they want to take it off. Take care Shelley

[kayc]

Derek, your post, your words were so sweet...it touched me how you ended by praying...and I was just as touched by Walt's mad faces. I loved that! And Bekabet's signature should be my own: "This is not the life I ordered." I like that too. You guys are great. I came to this site crying and in such pain and you ended up putting a smile on my face. Maybe now I can catch a couple of hours sleep before I go in and help my former boss out. No I haven't got a job yet, just doing a favor for a boss I cared about. I'm still looking for work. But he did tell me that someone is maybe interested in buying the business and I told him to tell them I come with it. We'll see what happens...

[AnnC]

QUOTE(dpodesta @ Aug 15 2006, 11:50 PM) *

"I to still wear my wedding band and I wear Karens around my neck. My boss once told me that if I am still wearing my band after a year, then I need help."

My ex-husband and I were divorced for 21 years by the time he died. We deeply loved each other, but he had to come out as gay, so we had to get divorced. He left his estate to his closest friends (he had no family) for their son he was helping to raise. They asked me if there were anything I wanted, and I asked for my wedding and engagement rings. I had given them back to him when we divorced because they had been his late mother's rings. They found them and gave them to me.

I wear the wedding ring on my middle left finger and the diamond on my right hand. Some people who know what these rings are look at me oddly. We were divorced for 21 years, and now he has been gone for 26 months. I don't care. I plan to wear these rings in remembrance for the rest of my life. In fact, his closest friends plus his lover told me as far as they were concerned, I could wear them on my wedding finger if I want, they think it's entirely appropriate because they know how we still felt about each other. It's no one's business but yours what you do with your rings, and if you were so fortunate to have a great love in your life, commemorating it is a beautiful thing! My counselor calls this "continuing bonds" with your lost loved one.