I Am Feeling Like I Am Crazy

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

In the past few days, I have said and done things that are not normally like me.. I just do not know what has come over me... I do not know if I am trying to get people to be angry at me and not like me anymore because I feel maybe they will leave me like my mom and dad.... I really do not know what it is but I hope I get over it fast... Please let me know if other people have felt this way.....Thanks Shelley

[KathyD]

Hi Starkiss,

I think you're just going through what we're all going through or have gone through in the past. Grief lowers your tolerance towards a lot of things that normally wouldn't affect you (boy, have I learned THAT!) and I think that causes some behaviors that we never thought we'd engage in. Grief is overwhelming and it doesn't take much to set us off! I've acted completely uncharacteristically many times and at first thought I was losing it...I finally realized that because coping with loss takes so much out of us emotionally our minds don't have much room to for anything else. I don't think you're conciously pushing other people away and if they are true friends they will understand that you're going through a very difficult tim in your life. But just know that you're not alone with these strange feelings, I've felt many of them the past five months and they change on a day to day basis. Have you bought any books on grief? "How To Go On Living When Someone You Loves Dies" is helpful as it lists "crazy behaviors" that really aren't during the grieving process.

Hope this helps a little,

Kathy

[STARKISS]

Hi Kathy D,

Yes, What you said does help. I think you are probably right but it is so very strange that I am trying to get rid of people I do not really know this time. Like people from this website... I am not usually that rude or mean.... Take care Shelley

[lorikelly]

dear shelley

i don't think there is anything wrong withyou we allfeel different things at different times. be easy on yourself. i know that i am very preoccuppied with someone else dying and leaving me and i don't think i ever want to feel this much pain again. my dog is sick now and i am so worried about that , i can only think that he is going to leave me also. he has chf just like what my mom died of. i think we all have to take one day at a time.

lori

[KathyD]

Shelley,

I don't think you're being intentionally mean at all - it once again comes back to how we deal with grief in our own way. There are other threads about this but I too have weeded out people who can't be there for me even though sometimes it makes me feel more isolated. It's natural to push people away if they can't offer support or understanding or just anything. Getting rid of people you don't know means that you don't have to tell them about how difficult it is for you right now and that's totally understandable. It still doesn't mean that you are rude, you're only expressing what you are feeling. Most people don't have a clue! It is a one day at a time situation and no matter what anyone says you have to do what you have to do. I'm 36 and my Mom has to have surgery for a bladder tumor this Wednesday so after losing my Dad 5 months ago and having to deal with this I get rude and angry too when people don't understand. This is a good place to vent (I hope!) because no one judges.

Kathy

[dpodesta]

I completely agree, we are goiog through so much right now the least little thing set us off like a bomb. I know for myself, I am fustrated a lot because of having to raise my 7 year old by myself. Sometimes it frustrates the he** out of me and then I get short with other people around me including Carson. It is just something we go through and as time passes we will get better and be able to stop and think before we react. Right now our nerves are so raw we are like a wounded animal, who through its pain is going to attack rather that think about it first.

[Leann]

Hi, Shelley...

I don't think you're being rude at all.....please don't worry. I had a two week stretch recently where I felt like I was angry at everything and everyone. My tolerance for even minor irritations set me off and I hated it because that just isn't my personality (normally). This week,though, I seem more tired than anything else; I'm wanting to sleep a lot and want to be alone a lot. It just seems like interacting with others takes soooo much energy right now. I guess we're all just going to have to go slowly and take one day at a time.

Take good care.

Leann

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Thank you for your replies to this post, It does help to know that people really do understand what you are going through.. I think that I sometimes feel that I am getting close to someone and chase them away before they leave me... I know this is weird but than I do not feel hurt..... Thank you again for all your understandings Take care Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I am truly believing that I am going crazy, I have started to cry again for the past three days straight... All I can think of is my old house and missing my dog and my mom and dad... Take care Shelley

[lorikelly]

Shelley

You are not going crazy just having a hard time right now. it happens to everyone, i wish i could tell you something to make you feel better. i know that you miss your dog , why don't you go see him? he is at your brothers , right? go see him if you can that will make you feel a little better. you are going to be ok, we are all here for you. lori

[shell]

Shelley,

Lori is right...you are NOT going crazy! What you are experiencing is so normal. Sweetie, you lost your parents, your home, your hometown, your dog...how could you not cry and feel desperate and lonely and like your whole world is falling apart? And these feelings are going to come and go and be with you for a long time! I know that's not very encouraging, but let's you know you are normal. Have you tried going to a counselor or grief group? I think it might help, but just a suggestion. You live with your sister, do I have that right? Can you talk to her or not? Just feel lousy and cry and know that it will pass and you will gain your balance again.

Hang in there!

A BIG hug to you,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it and thank you for sending me a hug I really do need one today... Take care Shelley

[STARKISS]

hi All,

I really do feel like I am going crazy today, everytime I close my eyes I see the hospital room my mom died in... I just keep replaying the day of her death in my dreams... It has been nineteen months since her death... I do not know what to expect next I am scared to just think about what will come next... Please help if you can Shelley

[lorikelly]

Shelley

It like we were reading each others minds. i just said someone pls help me i think i am going crazy. i quess we are both the same right now. i feel like i have lost is and never will get it back. i am in a constant panic mode, i sit here and worry about everything. i am now preoccuppied that i am going to get sick not sick die but nausea and vomiting. i feel insane. i have been on a crying binge this whole week and today i found myself in the bathroom on the floor begging for Gods help. my little one is vomiting and sick and here i am in the bathroom trying to hide my tears and then go back to taking care of him. i took a xanax b/c my mind is just crazy. i keep thinking over every little thing with my mom, i keep replaying the phone call when they told me she died. i am a mess, it has been 4 mos and i need some relief. i feel like it will never end this pain and that i may not be strong enough to carry on. i am no help to my husband and children this way and i can't keep hiding it. i am not sure what to do. i go to the dr on tues and i am seriously thinking of meds but am terrified of all the side effects and then the withdrawl when you come off. how will i know i don't need them anymore. i am sorry i didn't help you, i quess i just want you to know you are not alone in this mess. if you want email me and we can talk. maybe we could help each other. i am going to lay down by my son and hopefully fall asleep so i can stop the insanity in my brain. thanks for listening to me and i am here for you if you need me. lori

[Leann]

Hi, Shelley:

I'm feeling so anxious and on edge myself. I was once so sure of where my life was going and no everything seems so unclear and dark and topsy-turvey. I'm worried about everything these days. I have an appointment to see a counselor next week. My brother and I got together this weekend and he commented on how anxious I am. So, bless your heart, we all seem to be in the same boat right now! I'd rather not be in this boat, but since I am, I'm so glad to have you all with me. I'm wondering if it's anticipating the holidays that has us all out of balance?

Take good care, Shelley. I'm praying for you.

Hugs,

Leann

[shell]

Hi All,

The only thing I can add is not to be afraid of taking some medications if you need them. I'm on an antidepressant and a very low dose of an anti-anxiety medicne (to help me sleep). I originally started them because of severe anxiety attacks after my dad died and I can honestly say that I don't know where I would be now without them. These medications are so different from ones they used years ago. They are much safer and less addictive. I was scared to death to take anything too, but I finally had to realize I could not handle my anxiety alone and needed help. Frankly, at that point, I didn't care...I just wanted to get ahold of myself a little and I had to take care of my mom and my cats. I had to think of them first. So talk to your doctors and please don't be so afraid. I wish I had known then what I know now about the medications. I wouldn't have suffered so long. I'm not pushing meds, but sometimes it's the only thing that will help you get some control. Just wanted to try to ease some of your fears about them.

Hugs to all of you,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

I take a anti depressive now it is called cipralex, I still find that I miss both of my parents so very much. I find it worst when I am not busy, so I try to keep busy all the time... but it is certainly hard to do that some days... Take care Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

I think that's one misconception about antidepressants, that they will make you happy, happy, happy. They don't, or at least mine doesn't. They just allow your brain to think a little clearer, I think. You will still feel all the feelings of grief, but you can cope a little better. And the one I take (Lexapro) has taken my anxiety attacks away! That was a blessing for me.

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

Thank you for the reply to my post, I am really not doing as well as I thought I would be at this part of my grief journey... I thought I would be a little sad and not be raining tears like thunder storms.... Take care Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

I still cry buckets and it's been a year and eight months for me! I thought I would be doing better too sometimes, but I'm afraid it just stays with you for a long time. I finally just gave in and realized that I'll have good days and bad ones (and sometimes more bad than good, it seems) and I just take it as it comes. I know how hard it is. Just hang in there, sweetie!

Hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

It is so nice to know that I am not going crazy and what I am feeling is some what normal... Thank you for replying to my post Take care Shelley

[Leann]

Hi, Shelley: I hope today was a better day for you. I think everything you're feeling is very normal. I thought I was doing pretty well for a while, but have backslid the past couple of weeks. I had a really bad panic attack the other day.....I'm just so fearful and worried about everything and everyone. I guess my biggest fear right now is losing my Mom, too (and my rational mind knows that I will someday), but right now the thought of having to face this kind of pain yet again is about too much. My medication is helping me rest a bit at night, though, so that's been good. I think of you often everyday and wonder how you're doing.

Take care.

Leann

[Haley]

To all:

Man I never thought that all of us are in the same boat and we all are pretty much going through the same things at about the same times in this year and yes it does hurt I also feel like I am going nuts really bad and fast that I have also tried to push people away and make tham mad at me for one reason or another. I am trying to just sit back and not say anything to anybody that way I am not hurting them the way I am hurting inside I know it does not feel good and I don't really want to hurt anybody but at times you cannot help it I guess the words just slip on out.

We all need to think about what our loved ones would be saying to us right now, my MOM would be so upset with me that she would have a few choice of words to say to me but in reality I wish I could hear her voice and talk to her I have tried to talk to her but no response I wonder why alot of people that I listen to talk say that they have lost someone and that person talks to them in some way shape form or size but I can not say that, so that makes me wonder what is going on.

I to have the picture in my head of the day/night of MOM leaving me and can not get it out what about the happy times I know we had alot aton millions of laughs out there not there yet I can not even talk about her to people or my kids I break down even sitting here typing I feel my mouth watering up and the lump in my throat and my eyes tearing and it hurts damn why does life have to be so hard. There is people out there that act like some passing does not even bother them even if they were close man how in the world do they do that.

Thanks

Haley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Thank you all so very much for all your replies, It is hard to believe that so many of us are in the same way at this very moment... Here's to peace for us all Take care Shelley